sarahholgate’s BodyBlog

My trainer has told me that a woman of my height ought to have a minimum lean body mass of 100 lbs.  I now have an estimated LBM of 99 pounds which is fantastic to say the least!  On July 1st I only had 82.  So, I have effectively reached that goal.  I have a body fat percentage of 23 percent which is a good level for fertility and health, so I’m right were I need to be for baby makin’.
But my husband lost his job yesterday.  So, I have lost all motivation to go to the gym until he is employed again.  Without him working, I don’t want to be pregnant.  Not only dose he need to find a job, but he would need to find another good job for me to feel secure enough to creat medical bills associated with a pregnancy and a child that comes with all the needs that children come with.  If I’m not going to get pregnant just yet, then I see little value in going to the gym.  In a few weeks I’m sure that I’ll drop back down to 82 LBM and my total weight will become closer to 110 or 115 pounds.  I don’t know how long that will take, but I feel in a funk where I just don’t care.  I can save money by not paying for a gym membership and the money saved seems worth losing my muscle mass for.  I can always build it back up again later.

I weighed 124 pounds today.  So, I gained three to lose two, but at least that puts me one pound up.  But, not nearly as exciting as last week.

For the whole month of September I was stuck at 123 pounds.  Each time I weighed myself, the scale told me the same thing.  I continued to get stronger, lifting heavier weights, but you couldn’t tell that from my body weight.  I was beginning to think that I might have reached my maximum weight and was never going to get any heavier.  Then, last night, I weighed myself at 126!  I couldn’t believe it.  When did that happen?  I am still able to add a few pounds?  Will it keep going up?  I don’t know but it gave me enough encouragement to keep me motivated.

I’ve been doing alot with my abs and legs and not much with the upper body.  So, last night I worked my upper body and discovered that I’ve actually lost some strength in my back.  At least, I couldn’t row as much as I usto, so I may need to work the upper body more often.  I need a strong back to carry a baby with.

The work on my legs and gluts have paid off though.  I pulled down a pair of size 9 jeans that have been sitting unused on my closet shelf (I have been wearing size 5).  I wore them shortly after my son was born but they’ve been too big for some time.  My size 5’s have gotten tight in the butt and thighs.  They are so tight, that I don’t think it is appropiate to wear them to work anymore.   Therefore, I thought that I ought to try these bigger jeans on.  They fit nice in the butt and thighs if I do say so myself!  But, I still have the small waist, so I have to wear a belt so you can’t see down my pants.  I think I need to start shopping in the misses clothes.  Never in my life have I had the curves for misses.  I’ve always worn junior sizes.  Well it’s about time.  I’m 28, I’ve had a baby, and I have been a misses for seven years (married for seven years). I can finally stop dressing like a teenager.  I can have nicer dress clothes and look like an adult!  Hallelujah!  To the mall I go.  I wonder, do I wear a size 6 or an 8 now, or maybe a ten?  No, I’m not that big.  I guess I won’t know until I try them on.  Sounds like fun.

It’s been almost a week since I went to the gym.  We had our seventh wedding anniversary!  Very cool and we went white water rafting which was super fun.  The bad thing is, it took me out of the gym so I went back tonight and worked my legs.  I don’t think I’ve lost any strength so that’s good, but I certainly haven’t gained any strength either.  I wonder how long I would need to stay away to lose strength.  I don’t know, but it’s probably best if I don’t test that too much.

On our vacation, I was joking around with my husband.  I told him that I must be way stronger then him because I spend more time in the gym lifting weights then he does.  (My husband is a pretty big guy and I will never be stronger then him.)  He told me that he is going to get to the gym and start lifting too.  I got excited and told him good, I’m going to need a spotter when I start benchin’ the man rod (bench pressing a barbell.)  We got a good laugh and I hope I can really encourage him so he can lose some fat and gain even more muscle (he packs around quite a bit of muscle anyway), so he can feel better about himself.  The child we made is just like him.  When Andrew was two and I could barely pick him up, I would tease him about having lead in his feet.  He has always weighed more then he looks.  He walks around with my face but he is built like my husband.  I do believe it is the muscle mass that make Andrew and Jacob so heavy.  So, my question is, if Jacob makes me pregnant again,  will he give me another muscular boy or are we going to mix it up a little and try something different?  Time will tell I suppose.  There is no way of knowing today.  There is only one thing I know for sure.  What ever child I do have will seem to be just what I ordered and I’ll love him/her a whole bunch.  I’ll be very happy with whatever the stork brings in.  Ah…. dreamy.

When I was in the gym a couple nights ago, I had to wait for a leg press machine.  There were a couple guys using one and offered to let me have it as they were finishing up.  One of them asked me how many weights he should leave on the machine (he was referring to the large 45 lb weights).  I told him that I can almost press one on each side but not quite, so please take them all off.  He gladly did that for me.  As they walked away he said to his buddy, "Man she’s tiny!"  His buddy said back to him, "You know she can hear you."  I tried my very best not to laugh too hard because it was rather funny.

I’ve heard the whispers all my life.  Strangers and friends alike always have an opionion about how I’m so small or that I should eat more.  Actually I eat and I eat often, I always have.  I wonder if overweight people hear as many whispers as I do.  I suspect that they do.  Will we reach a point where a persons size will go unoticed?  I can laugh at those two guys at the gym because I don’t think they met any harm.  But, I’ve had big girls look at me, make a sly comment, and been discussed by my appearence.  That hurts.  I believe that hurts every bit as much as if I called them a fat cow.  I would never do that of course and most people would agree that would be wrong.  So come on, do we have to really live this way.   As a society, we feel that racism is wrong as is sexual discremination, but I’ve heard very little discussion on the hurtful words passed to the little people.  Yes it is a sad reality when a person starves themselves to be the thinnist model on the magazine cover, but there are some of us that look that way naturally just like there are many that carry extra body fat naturally.  Don’t assume that I puked up my breakfast this morning to look this way.  Get over it people.  Why don’t we just love more people regardless of their size, shape, or color?  I love a tree no matter what size it is.  That should go for people too.

The last couple weeks I’ve been doing calve raises.  I’ve been growing quite nicely in that area since I started the raises.  I could never swim enough laps to grow babies like these.  These are genuine lead pumping muscles.  I may need to buy a new pair of high heels and a new knee length skirt to show off my new calves.  I may let myself be a little vain.  My goal, like I have said before, is to get stronger which has nothing to do with appearance.  But, I might give in and enjoy these small changes.  After all, I’ve never had calves like these and I don’t know how long I’ll keep this up, so why not enjoy them while I have them?

My mother in law e-mailed me and asked how my workouts are going, this is how I replied to her:

Workouts are going super great.  I gained five pounds of muscle pretty quickly, but the weight gain has come to a halt.  I still continue to lift heavier weight each week though.  When I began, I could only leg press 65 pounds in an upright angle, now I’m up to 115!  I can’t believe it.  That is almost my own body weight!  I’m trying to focus on my legs, back, and my abs since that seems to be the places where I need strength most for pregnancy.  I need the most help in the abs though.  I use the ab machines at the gym which means crunches, crunches and more crunches.  My upper body is growing stronger too.  I can almost bench press a barbell (45 lbs) which would be a huge accomplishment for me.  They don’t make barbells for little girls like me.  I think using a barbell is bench pressing like a man (even though the men at the gym load the barbell up with a lot more weight.)  I’m doing 15 pounds in each hand with free weights now, so I’m just 15 pounds
short of be able to use the man rod as I have come to call it.  I’m focusing on the lower body, but I feel naturally stronger in the upper body perhaps because of my swimming background.

For cardio, I’ve been doing a lot of hiking.  Since I usually hike alone, I stick to places where there are people.  Ten miles a day is my limit because I need to be able to get up and move around the next day.  If there is a lot of elevation changes, then I do less since my knees get sore going up and down hills.  When I went to Multnomah Falls, I visited several smaller falls too and I did about ten miles that day of up and down and I can not express how sore I was in the knees.  I had a hard time driving home that night.

On Sunday, we’re eating dinner with G and G Lindsay.  So, on Labor Day, I’m off to this hiking area near Vernonia.  In the 20’s they built a rail line to move logs from there to Portland.  In the 70’s they took out the rail line since they had stopped using it.  Then they opened the old rail bed to hikers.  The whole trail is 20 miles long, but I’m only going to hike five miles of it that seems the most beautiful, then eat lunch and turn around and hike the same five miles back to the car.  I’m looking forward to it.

The good thing is I’ve been maintaining 123 pounds now for two and a half weeks.  I would like to be seeing some more weight gain, but you can’t have everything.  Despite the consistency at the scale, I have continued to lift heavier weights each week and that is really cool.

I got in a lot of calories and protein today.  So, I figured why not put those calories to work.  So, tonight, I really pushed myself with the weights and tried a few new things.  I used free weights more and used the machines less.  Then, I thought I would get in twenty minutes of cardio, but man I pushed myself so hard that I hit a brick wall not long after getting on the eliptic machine so I decided to call it quits and go home.  It was a good work out though.  I’ll get in cardio the next time I go to the gym.

My husband and I went grocery shopping today.  When we were in the refrigerated isle, I felt cold and began rubbing my arms with my hands to warm them up.  What do you know?  I not only have biceps, but there’s also triceps and deltoids on each side!  It felt so strange as if I my hands where on arms that belonged to somebody else.  You can’t exactly see these muscles, but I could feel them right under the skin.  All this time I thought I was genetically different, born without them.  I guess not.  They’re there, long and skinny to match the long and skinny skeleton they’re attached to.

When shaving my legs I now have to adjust the angle of the razor a little to get around the curve in my calf.  My calves aren’t just stilts anymore.  They’re taking on a whole new shape too.  My thighs are harder too.  I feel as though I’m stepping into a who new body, one that I’ve never seen before and it feels a little strange.  It’s puberty all over again.
I can’t let my ego run wild. The changes aren’t really that huge.  Nobody notices them but me.  No matter what, I can’t let it get me off track.  I’m doing this to become stronger.  It’s got nothing to do with appearence.  Let my body change how ever it wants to, I just can’t lose sight of my number one goal, to become strong.

I went to the Columbia Gorge today.  A beautiful part of Oregon with tons of waterfalls to see, but I don’t like all the people.  I hiked a total of 12 miles and none of it was flat.  It was either uphill or downhill.  I certainly don’t have a need for the gym tonight.  I’m seeing my trainer tomorrow and I have a feeling that I won’t be able to move.

I’m planning on going hiking again on Sunday with my husband to a more secluded area to see huge gigantic trees.  It’s thirty miles down a logging road and not that many people know about it, so it is a lot of fun.  I would have gone there today but it’s not the sort of place I would want to be alone in.  You can go hours without seeing another person and I’m not confident that I can take care of myself in every situation if you know what I mean.  I feel like a sissy when I carry mace.

Despite all the calories I burned, I think I ate less then 2,000 calories today.  I’m going to need to step it up tomorrow and get in at lest 2,100 or 2,200.