Sacredwlkr’s BodyBlog

Ahhhhh…..  I finally got a massage today.  I’ve been trying to hook up with a massage therapist friend for the longest, and we finally matched our schedules.  My whole body is breathing a big sigh of relief!  Next week in the gym will be FUN!!!

I am kind of a unique character: very shy and reserved on the inside, but with the capability to be fairly sociable when I’m feeling good about myself. I’m sure that applies to all of us, but sometimes I think I’m just a little more extreme in the shyness department.

Case in point: Recently, when I was making note of my changes and acknowledging that I am in fact changing my body and that it is beginning to take on the shape of its former glory,  when I had the thought, "Am I ready for this?"  I am ready for doing the work: going to the gym, hitting the weights, the cardio, the diet, etc. that’s no problem; but, I hadn’t considered whether or not I am psychologically ready to deal with the outcome of these changes.  Will I be able to handle the attention this will bring? I had not focused on this part of my transformation.

This happened to me before and I was not prepared or able to handle it.  I know it sounds silly, but what I wasn’t able to handle was the energy that I could feel from men who would just sit and watch me working out - it felt like being stalked - or men who would be obviously checking me out from a distance.  Sorry guys, but some of you know what I’m talking about - the type of man who will check out a woman with that hungry (beyond appreciative) look in his eyes, well I could literally feel that - in my body! (It made me a leeeeeetle too uncomfortable!!)  I didn’t know it at the time, but my clair-sentient (psychically sensing through the body) ability had opened up and I was overwhelmed.  Being painfully shy as a child, and still to some degree, I was not ready to handle that kind of attention.  Contributing to my shyness was some childhood stuff that’s better left unsaid, but that a lot of kids go through, which left me in a sort of watchful state.  And, I think my sensitivity made me much more vulnerable to the bullying I faced.  So, I shut down and stopped working out…just a few years before I became ill. 

I know many of you will think of this as absurd, especially those of you who’s goal it is to develop a fit and sexy body.  Hey, more power to you - go for it!  That was just never my intention.

So now, this time around I need to make sure that I am prepared for the recognition and attention that can come with having a fit, athletic body.  I have had a few years to work on my confidence, but I still stumble when faced with people other than my partner finding me sexy or attractive.  And it has begun already.  This morning, a gentleman from my gym told me that he likes me.  We have chatted occasionally and I had suspected that he had a small crush on me and today he confirmed it.  He is a very sweet man and I will let him know that I am unavailable gently, but I cannot even remember the last time a man approached me in this way! I have been off the market for over ten years.

It’s a two-sided coin for me to manage.  First, it’s confirmation that what I am doing is working, which is a good thing; and second, I get to practice accepting myself as attractive and desirable, while not being put off by well-intentioned compliments.  Finally, I get to practice getting over my shyness and defensiveness.

Well, it’s Saturday and I’m off until Monday when I will turn 46.  Right now, it’s just another number but when I really think about it, I am grateful to be able to go to the gym and pursue my passion.  Too many of us tend to think it’s too late to get in the gym, lose weight, regain the body, whatever; so to all of us here I say, keep doing what you love and have fun doing it - it will keep you young and happy for the duration of your stay here on this lovely planet of ours.  Believe that it will happen and stay focused on the desired result.  For following your dreams, I salute you.

Be safe. Be well. And, have a wonderful weekend!

So I’ve had these jeans that I grew out of just hanging in my closet for the past year or more.  I noticed my old jeans were getting pretty baggy so I thought I’d give these others a try…and viola’!  I got into them very easily with a little wiggle room!  Though I’m nowhere close to my goal, I’d say that I’ve reached a small one - getting into smaller clothes.  That’s one I need to give myself credit for - something I don’t do often enough.  My partner said to me, "See, now do you believe me that you’re losing weight?"

This really lets me know that I have to be on guard against allowing myself to get discouraged if I don’t see results as quickly as I’d like to.  This transformation is a lifetime process, and I need to stay conscious of that.  I just need to relax and trust that with the proper diet, and exercise program, the changes will come.  So part of this process for me is learning to TRUST.  Trust in my plan, trust in the process, and trust in my body to respond and return itself to health & fitness.  After all, the body’s natural state of HOMEOSTASIS is HEALTH.

Trust seems to be a spiritual theme that keeps recurring in my life.  Even though I have this intention to transform my body, I’m also expecting to see transformation in myself and aspects of my life that I am working on.  The body is never complete - it’s an ongoing process; and so is life.  I’m working on it.

I missed a day last week…missed today’s workout.  I’ve been really sore due to running out of supplements for the past couple of weeks and my job/financial situation has had me very depressed for the past week (another PCOS symptom-depression).  It sucks because I’ve been hearing complaints about a new employee that my partner and coworker are training, who has a Master’s degree in financial analysis, but doesn’t have the common sense it takes to follow direction.  I may not have a degree above Associates yet, but my 133 IQ makes me a very good learner IF someone would just give me a chance to get my foot in the door! (Been unemployed a long, long time.)

Working out right now, and focusing on getting my body back are the only things really giving me a reason to keep doing what I do.  Like people say, "The iron doesn’t lie, it’s always there for me…no matter what."

Due to transportation changes, I now have to get to the gym whenever I can so yesterday my workout was in the evening instead of first thing in the morning.  I noticed an interesting difference - I felt stronger!  It seems my body likes to have a little more fuel in it before exercise. I had been doing my workout first thing in the morning on an empty stomach to promote fat burning, but I can see the difference now having done an afternoon workout.  I used to shun afternoon workouts for two reasons: crowds (can’t stand ‘em); and scheduling.  Well, now that my schedule is more open, I will have to be more open to having an afternoon workout. 

Now, if I can just get the crowds to leave….

This blog goes with my beginning pics - they show what I’ve lost and hope to regain.

In 1996 I had a heart attack…at the age of 35.  It was completely unexpected as I had no family history of early heart attack; and, as an African-American female under 60-65, with no family history, it was nearly unheard of to have a heart attack at that age.  In fact, the doctors were nearly convinced I had been doing drugs (cocaine, amphetamines, or some other stimulants), which I’ve NEVER done!

For anyone wondering what it’s like, I had just finished a good chest workout in my garage.  I had failed to notice the pain in my chest as heart pain, as I was heavily working my chest.  Once I finished my workout, I went in and took a break before hitting abs.  I was on the phone with a friend and kept feeling transient pain in my chest, back, and neck.  I couldn’t really localize it because it seemed to move, and I assumed it was muscle cramping.  I ended my phone call to stretch my pecs to alleviate the cramping.

Once I began to stretch the pain intensified from a dull, moderately uncomfortable ache; and soon I felt as if an elephant was standing on my chest - no lie!  As I questioned what was going on, I felt a jolt of pain and tingling rush down both arms into my hands, especially on my left side.  "What the hell?" I asked myself.  I rolled onto my back, lying on the floor and realized that my breathing was very shallow and rapid, and that I was feeling lightheaded - I was hyperventilating. I focused on slowing my breathing, covering my nose and mouth in an effort to control my breath.  And, as a first-aid measure, I elevated my legs by putting them up onto my recliner.

My job required that I have CPR and First Aid training, so I recognized my symptoms as a potential heart attack, but rationalized them away thinking, "I’m not sweating, so it can’t be a heart attack."  No sooner than I said that to myself that water began to pour out of me and in seconds, I was drenched.  Now I was really scared!  Not only did I have the crushing pain, but that was accompanied by a sharp, piercing pain that went directly through my heart to my back with each breath.  I called 911 at this point.

Interestingly, the paramedics’ EKG machine showed a normal sinus rhythm, however, in the emergency room, the doctor took one look at their EKG and said that I was having a heart attack, right then!  YIKES!

Nearly 5 years later, I finally found a doctor who could explain why I’d had the heart attack.  I had a condition known as PCOS (poly-cystic ovarian syndrome), which causes metabolic dysfunction, some of which include: insulin resistance, diabetes, high cholesterol, reproductive problems, weight gain and depression.  My cholesterol was through the roof, but only one artery was involved.  Thankfully, it didn’t kill me, though it was close.

I now have two coronary stents, have undergone four angioplasty procedures, and have to take a handful of drugs every morning, which quite frankly frustrates the hell out of me.  I hate taking pharmaceuticals - to me, they only cover up symptoms and prevent the body from returning to homeostasis.  I’ve recently found some research which suggests that Vitamin C and Lysine can combine to help the body eliminate cholesterol; and repair and prevent vascular damage.  I found articles supporting this here: http://www.cqs.com/cvd.htm and http://www.drrathresearch.org/about_drrath/rath_scientific_discoveries.html.

So, though I continue to have some heart issues, I’m determined to reverse as much of the damage done by PCOS as possible, and get back to my ideal weight and body composition. 

Let the journey begin!