Sacredwlkr’s BodyBlog

I am kind of a unique character: very shy and reserved on the inside, but with the capability to be fairly sociable when I’m feeling good about myself. I’m sure that applies to all of us, but sometimes I think I’m just a little more extreme in the shyness department.

Case in point: Recently, when I was making note of my changes and acknowledging that I am in fact changing my body and that it is beginning to take on the shape of its former glory,  when I had the thought, "Am I ready for this?"  I am ready for doing the work: going to the gym, hitting the weights, the cardio, the diet, etc. that’s no problem; but, I hadn’t considered whether or not I am psychologically ready to deal with the outcome of these changes.  Will I be able to handle the attention this will bring? I had not focused on this part of my transformation.

This happened to me before and I was not prepared or able to handle it.  I know it sounds silly, but what I wasn’t able to handle was the energy that I could feel from men who would just sit and watch me working out - it felt like being stalked - or men who would be obviously checking me out from a distance.  Sorry guys, but some of you know what I’m talking about - the type of man who will check out a woman with that hungry (beyond appreciative) look in his eyes, well I could literally feel that - in my body! (It made me a leeeeeetle too uncomfortable!!)  I didn’t know it at the time, but my clair-sentient (psychically sensing through the body) ability had opened up and I was overwhelmed.  Being painfully shy as a child, and still to some degree, I was not ready to handle that kind of attention.  Contributing to my shyness was some childhood stuff that’s better left unsaid, but that a lot of kids go through, which left me in a sort of watchful state.  And, I think my sensitivity made me much more vulnerable to the bullying I faced.  So, I shut down and stopped working out…just a few years before I became ill. 

I know many of you will think of this as absurd, especially those of you who’s goal it is to develop a fit and sexy body.  Hey, more power to you - go for it!  That was just never my intention.

So now, this time around I need to make sure that I am prepared for the recognition and attention that can come with having a fit, athletic body.  I have had a few years to work on my confidence, but I still stumble when faced with people other than my partner finding me sexy or attractive.  And it has begun already.  This morning, a gentleman from my gym told me that he likes me.  We have chatted occasionally and I had suspected that he had a small crush on me and today he confirmed it.  He is a very sweet man and I will let him know that I am unavailable gently, but I cannot even remember the last time a man approached me in this way! I have been off the market for over ten years.

It’s a two-sided coin for me to manage.  First, it’s confirmation that what I am doing is working, which is a good thing; and second, I get to practice accepting myself as attractive and desirable, while not being put off by well-intentioned compliments.  Finally, I get to practice getting over my shyness and defensiveness.

Well, it’s Saturday and I’m off until Monday when I will turn 46.  Right now, it’s just another number but when I really think about it, I am grateful to be able to go to the gym and pursue my passion.  Too many of us tend to think it’s too late to get in the gym, lose weight, regain the body, whatever; so to all of us here I say, keep doing what you love and have fun doing it - it will keep you young and happy for the duration of your stay here on this lovely planet of ours.  Believe that it will happen and stay focused on the desired result.  For following your dreams, I salute you.

Be safe. Be well. And, have a wonderful weekend!

I’ve been off & on for the past week and today was my first day in the gym since hurting my back on Sunday.  I didn’t do any back exercises other than upright rows.  I even managed to do some light squats with strict form to keep my back stable.  It did heat up, though (my lumbar-sacral area gets burning hot - inflammation) so I did very light leg presses and cut it short. 

I don’t know what the problem is with my back. Hopefully I can find a doctor who knows what’s going on.  Regardless, it felt good to be back.  I miss it when I can’t get my workouts in and I start to get a little down on myself and my diet suffers.  Now, I’m re-focusing on my diet and looking forward to upcoming changes.

Healthy glutes are a blessing.  I know this because mine are in not-so-good shape.  Trigger points and muscle strains have wreaked havoc on my low back.  What makes it worse, is that lifting isn’t what aggravates it - it’s working over a massage table that kills me.  I worked the Women’s Nike marathon on Sunday and have been extremely sore ever since.  Ice, motrin, self massage, and heat have been my best friends lately, but I think with some luck I can get back into the gym tomorrow.

So I’ve had these jeans that I grew out of just hanging in my closet for the past year or more.  I noticed my old jeans were getting pretty baggy so I thought I’d give these others a try…and viola’!  I got into them very easily with a little wiggle room!  Though I’m nowhere close to my goal, I’d say that I’ve reached a small one - getting into smaller clothes.  That’s one I need to give myself credit for - something I don’t do often enough.  My partner said to me, "See, now do you believe me that you’re losing weight?"

This really lets me know that I have to be on guard against allowing myself to get discouraged if I don’t see results as quickly as I’d like to.  This transformation is a lifetime process, and I need to stay conscious of that.  I just need to relax and trust that with the proper diet, and exercise program, the changes will come.  So part of this process for me is learning to TRUST.  Trust in my plan, trust in the process, and trust in my body to respond and return itself to health & fitness.  After all, the body’s natural state of HOMEOSTASIS is HEALTH.

Trust seems to be a spiritual theme that keeps recurring in my life.  Even though I have this intention to transform my body, I’m also expecting to see transformation in myself and aspects of my life that I am working on.  The body is never complete - it’s an ongoing process; and so is life.  I’m working on it.

Man, it sucks being sick.  I managed to get a bad head cold and it’s kicking my a$$ right now.  No workout today and I spent the day on the couch coughing & sneezing with body aches.  I’m trying to make sure I keep my water intake up or even increase it. 

Unfortunately, my diet has sufferred greatly the past couple of weeks.  I’ve been struggling with keeping my meals on schedule and getting enough protein and the right kind of carbs…that may have something to do with why I’m sick right now.

Day 2 of Week 2.  Tried some Purple Wraath today and really felt the effects of the niacin in it.  I got a pretty good pump so I may add it in when I get the chance.  I was able to increase my weights today so I’m happy about that. 

Cardio is a 50 minute walk home…not too bad.

My gym is being remodeled.  The previous local gym is being transformed into Gold’s and construction has been underway for the past few months.  Today one new section (cardio, group exercise room, and women’s locker room) was opened while half of the old weight room was partitioned so construction could continue.  That left an already crowded weight room even more crowded, but oddly, I don’t mind.  My only challenge is to get in when traffic is at a minimum.  As long as I can get to the equipment I need, it’s all good. 

Today was Day 1, Week 2 out of a 10 week program:

Today I got to the gym around 6:30.  These workouts really boost my endorphins - I leave feeling so good, and that’s a good thing. I had been dreading trying to figure out a way to get to and from the gym without a car, but I’m enjoying the walk home. It takes me about 50 minutes and I get a break from the elliptical machine.  I was a little worried about my knees, but so far, so good. 

The diet is getting a little hammered.  I’ve been having a hard time getting it together lately with all that’s been going on in my personal life, but I figure I’m doing pretty good to still be making it to the gym.  Things are beginning to look up, though.  Water intake is good. 

I started an awesome new program today - from Bob Paris’ ‘Flawless’.  When I finished, my legs were like rubber and forget about arms!  Then I got to walk home which took about 50 minutes.  I cut back on my weights a little bit so I could up my reps.  I like this program!  Reps range from 8 - 10 to 20 - 25, depending on the exercise.  It’s designed to give you a good pump, which I certainly felt this morning.  Every week’s routine is different, which is great for muscle confusion to keep the muscles growing - for ten weeks.  I Can’t wait to see the changes this will bring.