s_ridley’s BodyBlog

Last night I discovered something shameful and embarassing about myself, I am a binge eater.  There has been a long progression that has brought me to this point.  When I was young my brother used to tease me even though I was not fat (not even chunky) telling me I had rolls on my stomach, that I needed to lose weight.  That started self starvation, I would eat a small lunch on Friday at school and see if I would be able to not eat until lunch Monday, then if I ate something I would just do my best to throw it up.  I weighted myself constantly along with long workouts I was a disaster.  When I was REALLY thin I thought I looked fabulous and having other girls say "you are soooo skinny" .  Those words are what I wanted to hear and they only fueled the fire.   Unfortunately, my perception was completely off I thought I was curvy and fit looking instead I looked sick with bones sticking out, bad skin and really dry hair.  My mother told me if I lost anymore weight she would take me to the ER, so I just stopped.  I think I was ok for awhile and then my parents moved the middle of my 9th grade year without any regard for my feelings, I was devastated.  I think I was about 16 I started my issues my parents put me on birth control pills fearing, as any parent would, boyfriends and consequnces.  Well for me, that increased my appetite and that brought on feelings of failure and guilt which brought on more eating.  Outwardly, I was able to keep it under control for awhile never getting too heavy.  Then came my marriage to my first husband at 22, we both had the apparence of being fit and healthy but in reality we were both really screwed up.  We both had serious self image issues he dealt with his with drinking and drugs and I with food.  He would tell me how beautiful I was in one breath and in another tell me how lucky I was to be with him then tell me how I needed to workout.  We worked out like crazy in a hard core gym and ate like athletes, I was in incredible shape.  During this time, the lifestyle seemed to keep both of our issues at bay.  But then he stopped wanting to workout and I got pregnant so it ended.  I stayed really fit during my pregnancy and he could not deal at all so his issues came flooding back and after the baby I reallized what a bad match we were and my issues came back as well.  Then the trap was set he got high and I got fat.  We divorced and I moved on but those memories of him telling me no one will ever want to me again along with other comments haunted me and still do.  Now, my husband is a wonderful man (if you have read any of my previous post) like everyone has issues of his own.  He knows I put alot of pressure on myself to be the best that I can be.  He knows I have body image issues but I dont think he realizes how deep and serious they are.  He looks at what I am eating and gives a disapproving stare.  He says he is only trying to help, he wants me to be able to feel good about myself so I can see a picture of myself without gagging.  Do not get me wrong I had these issues for before him, he is not a large man and he wants to feel dominant and you cant feel that way with a large woman.  Everything in my life centers arond thoughts of how I look, not like my makeup and such it is thoughts of what my body looks like.  He tells me he wants to have a trophy wife, and once I told him I wanted to enter my first competition he was excited for multiple reasons I am sure.  I would imagine he is thinking she will finally be that perfect wife I have always wanted.  He has said comments here and there that also fuel my issues but, I am sure he doesn’t realize  there impact.  I have all of the symptoms I binge eat when I feel emotional, I hide food especially from my husband I refuse to weigh myself or get weighed at the doctors office.  I can’t bear to know the number, I focus on the weight and it is a trigger for more eating.  I can do so well on my eating until something triggers it especially at night.  The shame and embarassment are huge but I have to realize this and get on with getting over it.  Even if no one sees this but me this post is part of my healing.  

The first step is admitting you have a problem, and I do have a problem.  A problem with carbs, they are so hard for me to resist.  The foods that we grew up knowing and loving as comfort foods.  But I have got a plan and I have to stick to it.  My husband comes home in about a week then leave about 2 weeks later then I won’t see him again for about a year.  I want to look fabulous, and feel sexy.  We are having family photos taken when he is here which will then be hung up in our house on display, and I really don’t want to hate it.  By the way, I know I have some serious body image issues that need to be addressed, but for now this is the way it is. 

My hubby is at readiness training until early November.  The past week has sucked to say the least between the baby teething, family visiting, the sitter was sick and my husband leaving I do not know which end is up.  Our 2 dogs have driven me totally crazy waking up to accidents in the house is more then I can handle right now.  We are talking about a possible foster situation for them if we can find a good home for them maybe permanently.  They are great dogs but they need a lot of attention and I feel stretched to the max.  I have got to maximize my time without the baby to get some time for myself.  I have the YMCA daycare while I workout, the baby last about an hour so that is a small break.  And on a good week the baby sitter will get here on time and let me go to my clients house to train them, so that is 3 x’s/week for 3 hours/day.  If that works out then all should be great.  My baby sitter though may be showing signs of not working out like showing up late consistently, but we will see what happens since I spoke to her about it on Friday.  Tomorrow is another day and the start of a new week.  I have to keep my focus!

Thursday we found out my husband will be deploying to the war in Nov or Dec.  I know this happens to so many people and I truly feel for each and every person that has a loved one in this war.  I have so many emotions running thru my mind, so many thoughts of what could be.  I feel numb but I feel like i am freaking out.  We went to a program the other day talking to the families of the soldiers, lots of information and support is out there.  Thank goodness!  Please keep my family in your thoughts a prayers at this time of need. 

Since finding out we have been flying by the seat of our pants and I am embarrassed to say I have lost focus.  I need it back more then ever.  We have eaten whatever has been around.  I do have to say I did fairly well (which is not nearly good enough) for instance dinner was provided and they have numerous things to eat I chose the chicken breast, and veggies but I had some carrot cake.  DAMN! this is hard.  But I have to get it back, tomorrow is the start of a new day.  I want more then ever to compete in the contest, my husband my be able to take off during that time and I would love to see him competiton ready.  To see the look on his face when we see each other would be one to remember forever.  And most important how I feel about myself, the sense of real accomplishment, not only have I been able to handle my family, my home, but blossom during this time of sacrifice. 

I need your encouragement now more then ever.  I promise myself and BB.com I will post a progress pic per week starting at the end of this week.

The night was a success I felt great in my dress and pretty comfortable in my own skin.  My husband had to work throughout the ball which was unfortunate but still a good night.  My Mother-in-law was great and she came to watch the baby at our hotel, and this was the first night out with my husband in 7 months.  Our table was right next to the General’s table where not one but two 2 star General’s were seated, that was a little nerve wracking.  And when they played amazing grace on bag pipes and spoke of the fallen soldiers plus 9/11 it was a little more then I could take (the fallen soldier always gets to me).  I also couldn’t help but to think of how proud my father would be of my husband. 

As far as my progress the carb cycling has been great, I have been recommending it to everyone I know.  I found it much more bearable then the usual low carb dieting, I am sure it is mental but the thought I can have that tomorrow made it easier to stick to for me.  I felt smaller, smoother (l am sure ladies no what I mean), firmer.  The husband commented that you can see some abs, which is a huge motivator.  But sadly I am having difficulty making that low carb day stick (can not do no carb since i am still nursing) since the ball I have been pretty half ass with my low carb days but I will make it count starting today.  My goals are to lose 5 more inches each in my hips and waist.  Then I think I will be satisifed with my size and then just continue tweaking my figure till the contest in June.  My workouts have remained consistently hard lifting heavy and changing it up every 2 weeks or so.  I know I have got to post a progress pic but I simply do not think I could bear the disappointment right now.  If I could only get a full nights sleep I might feel differently but I am still getting up about 6 times at night.  I  know this time too will pass.

The night was a success I felt great in my dress and pretty comfortable in my own skin.  My husband had to work throughout the ball which was unfortunate but still a good night.  My Mother-in-law was great and she came to watch the baby at our hotel, and this was the first night out with my husband in 7 months.  Our table was right next to the General’s table where not one but two 2 star General’s were seated, that was a little nerve wracking.  And when they played amazing grace on bag pipes and spoke of the fallen soldiers plus 9/11 it was a little more then I could take (the fallen soldier always gets to me).  I also couldn’t help but to think of how proud my father would be of my husband. 

As far as my progress the carb cycling has been great, I have been recommending it to everyone I know.  I found it much more bearable then the usual low carb dieting, I am sure it is mental but the thought I can have that tomorrow made it easier to stick to for me.  I felt smaller, smoother (l am sure ladies no what I mean), firmer.  The husband commented that you can see some abs, which is a huge motivator.  But sadly I am having difficulty making that low carb day stick (can not do no carb since i am still nursing) since the ball I have been pretty half ass with my low carb days but I will make it count starting today.  My goals are to lose 5 more inches each in my hips and waist.  Then I think I will be satisifed with my size and then just continue tweaking my figure till the contest in June.  My workouts have remained consistently hard lifting heavy and changing it up every 2 weeks or so.  I know I have got to post a progress pic but I simply do not think I could bear the disappointment right now.  If I could only get a full nights sleep I might feel differently but I am still getting up about 6 times at night.  I  know this time too will pass.

My husband and I are going to a military ball on Sept 11th, and I want to feel comfortable in my skin.  It has been awhile for me to feel that way, along with more then half of the women on BB.com I am not sure I ever will but here goes.  My plan to continue working out hard like I have been 6 days a week and to try to carb cycle (modified since I am still breast feeding).  Pre cook most of my food for the week today and portion it out so once it is gone it is gone eating 6 meals a day.  I am going to try to keep track of my intake and workouts at livestrong.com since the workout portion of this site takes more time then I have. 

I am going to buy my dress this week it is strapless and I dont want to have rolls anywhere.  But I have to get some conseling, since this may sound crazy to some, but I see myself in the mirror and feel cute and then have a pic taken and I want to hide (yuck) this puts a damper on the whole night as I feel foolish for feeling cute prior to seeing the pic. Like I said CRAZY!!!! My husband and I talk about this a lot but you see women who are not in bad shape but they wont wear shorts or a swim suit and then on the flip side you see 300 lb women that wear tight white capri pants to a club with a tank.  What makes us so different, do those 300lb women feel more confident or what?  I feel proud of myself and what I have accomplished but no where near through with my journey.  In fact my journey is taking me to my first contest on stage June 2010 with my 14 year old son. 

I took my measurements this morning and down already…woo hoo!  I am trying not to be too hard on myself I know my hormones are still equalizing and that is OK.  I am feeling pretty good considering I haven’t slept in over 4 1/2 months (a constant theme of my blogs, LOL).  My body is looking better as well so I am very pleased.  This week I have got to get in 3 days with weights working in a 3-2-1 fashion and 3-5 days cardio.   Diet I will continue to work on as that is my weak spot and we all know as I tell all of my clients you can workout all that you want but you cant escape that diet makes up about 80% of what you look like.

Well I have been watching my diet for about 1 week now and I can already tell a difference.  Breastfeeding is going well even with the decreased caloric intake.  During and after the pregnancy I have been watchful of my food intake for obvious reasons but still allowing anything I wanted, giving into every craving. I have been working out with clients and also by myself.  All is well it will come, but i have a goal of Sept 12th I need to lose 30lbs.  That day is the Commanders conferance and I have got to be SUPER hot.  I found my dress and it is sexy, but classy as you have to be on the conservative side at these events.  I want to look my best and since I am about 10-15 away from my prepregnancy weight I will surpass that and get to the place I would want to be.  I have lost weight with breastfeeding don’t get me wrong but I want to be leaner not just thinner.  I feel good about myself and the fact that I was able to have a healthy baby and feed him exclusively myself but I want to be FABULOUS, LOL.

Anyhoo, I am taking my measurements this morning to document and will continue with my eating plan as well as workouts.  My goal is weights 3 days and cardio 3 days.  Eventually, hopefully after more sleep I will be up to 5 days a week cardio.

Well here I am now 4 month post baby and not a whole lot of progress, but that is my fault.  Compared to the usual post baby physique I feel I am pretty good, but if you have read any of my blogs you would now I am not happy with just OK.  My husband and I had a serious talk about things and he stated "he wants a thin woman" and he wasnt happy with my body even before I got pregnant (too much hips and butt) "not the trophy wife men want."  OUCH!!!!  I felt I was good (I felt pretty hot, lol) but not great either for those same reasons, but it really stung hearing it from him, but the truth hurts right?  I know realistically I would lose fat from that area last due to my body type. But aside from his comments I have to do this for me I am harder on myself then he could ever be on me. 

I am going to enter the body for life challenge again and take the dreaded BEFORE pics front and back, YUCK. I must, I must, finish this time with documentation.  It is hard to be motivated with very little sleep, scheduling and most of all dieting, but I can do it I know i can.  With the help and inspiration of bodybuilding.com and my friends here I should have every reason to stay motivated. 

I will post a new new pic and keep you updated every week at least.  Send me your postive thoughts please I can use all that I can get