I want a perfect body

i need people to start going to my work out journal.  I feel like a dumb as$ talking to my self in that thing.

http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?t=5532463

just shoot me please.

well what can i say except for once in my life i can say this…..

I AM SO PROUD OF MY SELF!

Hit my PR today of 155 at bench press!

after i did it, i thought man, not to long ago i couldnt even do 95 pounds!  now i throw it around as a warm up!

im so proud, i work so hard.

it was hard but i breath in when i lift the bar off then as the bar is near my chest, i vision my self pushing my self through the floor and breathing out as i do that. 

and BOOM!

YES!  clean’s wednesday  i want my pr!

today was a squatiffic day!

i went to work like a good little girl 9-2 i had a break from 2-5 work again 5-11.  So on my break I had to squat.  Didnt want to because i know the pain that comes with the dam things.  But i already had a crap load of carbs so i had no choice, i would screw my week up!

got to the gym, swore a little, and did my warm up with leg extenshions, followed by leg curls.  Then headed over to the squat rack.

started with bar for 15 like always.

bar + 45 for 15

bar + 70 for 10

bar + 90 (135) 10

180 for 5

225 for 4 (serious) (yes spotter)

finally i get to 245 (personal record is 300) (long term personal record is 375) if i keep my weight at 150.  Well all of a sudden i had 5 guys plus my spotter circling all around me.  I was a little uncomphy!!!  well i was distracted by them.  I got it for 1 solid one and spotted the rest but my form was all f’d up!  i came up on my dam toes i was so mad at my self because i was waiting all week for this moment.  On my dam toes! not heels but dam toes SH*T!  okay but at least i got the 245 and i got to prove my self.

 SO then i punish my self.  I go and get a stop watch.  and set the bar up so its at 90  pounds.  For a total of 10 mins i rest 30 seconds and squat the other 30 seconds.  i wanted my form PERFICT!  legs perfict apart, but alllllll the way down for a full squat, relaxed back.  Go down slow and SHOOT my way up fast.  every 30 seconds i did 5 reps.

then i did it again, same exact thing with 135. making sure every time i was coming up on my heels, not toes. relaxed back,breathing right.  I beieve this was benifitial to me because i think it will allow me to add more weight to my squat in about 30 days.

i squated for a total of 2 hours!!!

i wanted to pass the f out!

sugar level was megga low, so i had a lean mass complex (40 carbs) a little applejuice  and one scoop of muscle milk light vanilla and a bananna.

went back to work, hid in a corner and did my text messaging thang and went on with the day!

proud of my self

this weeks numbers are

bench 135

dead was 200

clean was 110!! yeeaaaaah!!!!!!

squat 245

im gettin there!

fun thing about powerlifting is no one can take it away from you and you get to walk around knowing you are one strong ass mother fin woman. (well getting there to the strong point)

im having fun!

so as ya’ll might know i decided to go to the dark side of power lifting.  I used to always just lift to lift, now im lifting to be extreamly strong.

Today my chest kills like a mother fuger!!!!

yesterdays work out

Bench (45 mins)

bench x 15

bench +2.5’s x15

bench + 5’s x 15

bench +10’s x 15

Bench + 15’s x 10

bench + 20’s x 10

Bench + 25’s x 10

Bench + 35’s X 8

Bench + 45’s x 4 (ouch) lol which was my PR, so now my PR is 150.

Incline bench dumbells

25 x 8

35x 8

45x 8 (7th rep just about droped it on my face)(thank god for spots)

50×8

Walkers 3 they were hard after bench!

Tricep press downs (Cables standing)

50 x10

60 x 10

70x 8

70 x 8

80 x 6

90 x 6

dips

3 sets of 12

weighted tricep press down (seated chair)

70 x 12

95 x 10

105 x 10

125 x 8

30 mins of cardio

It was diffrent power compared to regualar weight lifting, I was SO TIRED compared to worrying if i got a pump or not.  When i did the walkers it was a compleat exsausted feeling compared to just being worn out.  I really like this i cant wait to do my dead’s on wednesday.

This was a good week. I had some pretty good lifts, nothing major yet. Im trying to work my way into power lifting. I really wanted to try for a figure competition but its just not for me. My body can not get lean enough to where I want it to be. But it sure likes to build muscle!!! But I know one thing is for sure, I can not go into that gym with out a short term and long term goal. I must be always I mean always having something to work towards. I always liked to make bets here and there in the gym to prove to people I bet I can squat this or I bet I can lift that. And I would win of course, but I like the adrenalin I get to prove my self to my self. And no one else. Because I didn’t get to do my bodybuilding competition the body builders look at me (who used to be my friends) in a wow what a piece of sh*t way. Here I was thinking that they were my friends, WRONG! They were just pretty people who like pretty people. Sometime soon I will hopefully complete a competition. But not here in south Carolina. I want to get into the dark side as we call it Power lifting. The great thing about power lifters is they always got your back. I really think I can be a super strong 23 year old 5’2 female. I already got a a okay squat! Short term goal is 300. Bench is 135 for 3 dead lift 225. I also met this EXTREAMLY big guy at my gym that has me completely goo goo eyes! I hardly ever get goo goo eyes. But I mean dam. Dam dam dam! Incredibly good looking, he told me today that him and his girlfriend broke up and all I could think to my self was “SCORE!” heres to keeping my fingers crossed on this one! I also took on another free project. I met this girl who was 250 pounds. Honestly she is very pretty, and has a very beautiful personality. She doesn’t have any money and I told her I would work her out with out having to go to the gym give her nutrition advice weigh her weekly and take her measurements. She seems excited about it, and I was so honored and excited that she asked me about it. Last girl I helped with her diet lost 25 pounds and I felt so proud of her. I mean really proud. I got passionate as hell about it too. I know I should be collecting money but some people need someone and they cant afford it. Im just so excited to see how this girl is going to react and how she is going to feel. I might make her make a body space profile so we can keep track of her progress. Im excited J

made a rule no matter what time i go to bed i will be in the gym at 5 am.  I will have to suffer the consiquences of my own actions and behaviors!  but anyway the last time i did the 5 am gym thing i was really respectful of my self.  I think it just adds to maturing.  just my thought

okay so it feels good to back on track!

im going to be carb cycling like this

Back -med carb

legs-high carb

chest-low

arms-low’

shoulders-low

and off days low

 cardio-1 hour of sprints (suck)

supp’s lipo 6 (tried cytolean sucked!)

fish oil cla protein powder dandelion root gnc woman pack multi green tea

time to get cut my way!

things really took a big 360 fast.  First it started with quiting my job and going to work for my self which was pretty sucessful.  then i moved out twords kiawahia island which is   pretty much the sticks of south carolina.  I started to work for my landloard selling home theaters but it was such a hard sale.  It screwed me over $$$ if you know what i mean. well so i ended up broke and with out a job…..SH*t thank good for my AMAZING credit score so i could just call them and tell them to up my credit or i would be screwed! cash advance cash advance, in about a month ill be swearing.  Well with all that, my grandfather is on his last line, and i have way to much guilt that i wont go into.  since im broke right now i will not be able to travel to ny to his funeral.  So with all that, my grandpa, uncle, dying family, jobless, no  money i really have held it together GOOD!  no break downs or nothing but when abunch of money things came my way i would tear up alittle and get sick to my tummy…..but i was looking for something.  I started to drink alittle more jack daniels(i stopped that looking at how huge my boobs have gotten!!) and worst of all i picked back up smoking but only when i need something to help calm me down and i am so ashamed of it but what am i suppost to do?  its just me in south carolina….

My training has been so hard.  i live 30 mins from the gym and im so ashamed on how i look because i was so close to finishing a figure comp that i didnt get to finish the meat heads of the gym look at me and talk behind my back about how i couldnt diet but i could my body just didnt want to get lean.  i swear so i go in do cardio try and do some keto for a diet and get out befor they all get in.  Im not fat i look like an average girl, but since i was so lean i hate how i feel.  I dont have anyone dieting me right now and thats what i need is someone to check in with.

life is so hard right now, things are low….i need a fast way to make some money i have a part time job im painting but its to the point of eat or pay bills….pay bills only cuz im ocd about my credit score!  My new job for verizon wireless starts septemeber 10th…..they will pay for my college and health insurance and great pay i just have to wait…

every one comments on my progress but this is just me saying that is a body i wish i could have back!

any advice would be great.  Im stuck in a situation.

I miss the old days when  i would run and run and run and run and nothing else mattered except the pavement and my shoes.

i decided to up my running.  I need to slowly work my way back into it.  It was a lot easier to run minus all this muscle that i racked on.  and the fact i was 100 pounds! 

i was going to do my body building competion but i decided to not do it.  I want to go home for a while this summer and visit all my loved ones that are sick and not worry about if im going to miss a meal or i need to do 900 hours of cardio lol.  i just want to beable to enjoy the time i have left with them.

I want my runner body back bad however.  its just hard running out side because its so hot in south carolina.

im only lifting 3 days a week now  back and shoulders monday legs wednesday arms and chest friday.

 i put off my friends, and my family to have a Killer body and now i look back and see i had 4 months of lonieness.

no more. Im going to look great. be happy.  and actully be apart of my faimly.

IM not giving up, just changin my mind set.

my uncle has lung, lympnodes and brain cancer….hes buying time

my grandfather just got done with chemo and phenomina now he has cancer again in his brain which makes him fall over….hes buying time

 my grandmother has bladder cancer…..

my MOM migh have colon cancer…..im scared to death.  she is my life. She is my best friend.  She is my mom that i would never trade in a million years.  i dont know what i would do if anything happend to her.  she has surgery the 22 and i cant be there for her.

all these people live in rochester ny and im in sc.  I will hate my self if i dont see these people because money got in my way. all these years all i cared about was my selfishness in my workouts.  i was blind to all of this.

now im stuck and have no idea what to do

anyone know anything about colon cancer.

i would give up this body, and be fat if it ment i could just be with my family and have no money worries.