From Binge Eater to Buff Body

Ouch. Last night I reluctantly redid my pictures. I printed them too- first time I’ve done that. I have this urge to just delete all my old blogs, stats, pictures and just wash my hands clean of all my pathetic failures at a transformation. I cried when I saw my pictures. I’ve been in fat-girl denial thinking I still looked like I did when I was 150 pounds. I carefully critiqued everything that bothered me. Harsh I was. I can’t keep living in fat girl denial.
I’m going to post my new pictures soon and delete all my old posts, pictures and stats and start new. Is this the point where I’ve finally realized I can’t keep walking this thin line of obesity?  Yeah, I’m on the lighter side of being obese too… The worst part to me is how fat my face has gotten- I can’t hide my face chub in a picture anymore.  
Never thought I’d get here, but the only thing I can do is push on to the future and stop living my past and thinking I don’t need to try anymore.

So my last post from June my husband and I had decided to try for kids again.  Lo and behold ended up pregnant right away.  Sadly, ended in another miscarriage.  I had spent this pregnancy still eating healthy, didn’t gain any weight and continued light exercise.  We saw the heartbeat and everything!  2 weeks later had another appointment and no heartbeat… Friday had a D&C where they removed the tissue and stuff and today I am so bloated, crampy and sick it’s ridiculous.  I woke up this morning so constipated I could hardly move w/o crying.  I was hoping to hit the gym hardcore this week but I don’t think it’s gonna happen.  Even wearing jogging pants is uncomfortable.  I am off work the next 2 days thank God and am sitting here just praying the pain gets better and someday we can have kids.  I’m only 24, he’s 23- what’s going on?!

Gonna take the pooch for a walk and try to loosen more things up and hope walking makes me feel better.

So most of my BB friends know my story (miscarriage, life changing experience, quit my job, back to school, throw in a figure comp!) but get ready for a change in plot!  Something I didn’t exactly expect to happen happened over the week/weekend.  My husband and I have decided that although we’re not trying, we’re not preventing (anyone get that?).  We (he) wanted to put off kids for a few more years and that was the main reason I kept myself preoccupied with the idea of a figure comp and becoming a healthier person.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m still staying healthy- but we might be having kids sooner than I thought.  I’m continuing to eat clean and do my tough workouts and have a pre pregnancy appointment in July.  Already I feel better about the chance of having kids this time around- I’m in better shape, I am healthier, I weigh 20 pounds LESS than last time and I’m not super stressed like last time.  I’m still going to go to school in the fall because it should only be about a year and I’ll graduate.  

Until I see the 2 pink lines though, I’m off the supps and continuing the healthy habits!

Well I finally have everything unpacked, laundry is done, and the apartment is clean and organized! We have cable and internet again and Thursday we get our living room furniture! It’ll be nice to sit down on a couch instead of the floor lol.
For the first time ever I’m having a blast putting up pictures and decorations that we’ve received and I am having a blast playing "wifey". Buddy has joined us again so on top of my current workouts I’m getting about an hour of walking in a day too.

Life is good!

Quick recap of June this far:
-went to part-time at my job
-got a new car
-met with a lovely figure coach
-and most recently: MOVED!!!

I have gotten almost everything unpacked and set up and even though I know it’s not BB related I’ll probably post some pics later for fun. It’s so great being in our own place again and having space to put everything!
Today I’m taking Buddy (JP’s dog) for a walk, lifting, and do a step/core crunch class. Then off to babysit around 1130. I like getting up this early!

I just got back from a fabulous workout.  I did bis/tri/abs today and followed it with 40 minutes of kickboxing.  I purposely stayed at the YMCA longer to avoid coming back to this hellhole.  I read a great article in Oxygen about eating clean on a budget, keeping your kitchen healthy and then showered and got all pretty for the day.  
I came home and go f-ing figure it’s NAPTIME.  I SWEAR IT’S ALWAYS NAPTIME.  Here’s another kicker.  We are moving out of this hell hole tomorrow (thank God) and our families are arriving at 12:30ish with the moving truck.  Well we told "Queen Kurth" this yesterday and she says "Ummmm naptime is from 12-3… I don’t think you’ll be able to do that."  Well after seeing once again Navi (8 month old) napping again and Tanner (4 years old) sleeping for 5 hours straight just so she can get other **** done I don’t really give a flying **** what she says.  We’ve put up with her crap and demands for 5 months and we’re sick of it.  We’re moving out when they get here no matter what she says.  Like 1 day of moving will kill her.  No, it’ll just take away from her time to screw around on the internet and force her to interact with the kids she’s supposed to be watching.  

End rant.  1 MORE DAY!

So last night I met with Kristy- Not gonna lie, I was excited about it all day.  Like, pee my pants excited- but thankfully I didn’t pee my pants.  Basically last night she went through all the things I would need for a comp, discussed flattering colors for a suit, decided the suit I currently have would NOT work lol, and did a lot of posing practice.  She said that I did pretty good as far as posing and there wasn’t too much she needed to correct except for my hand placement and she said "crotch and ass" lol.  "Bring your hands closer to your crotch and ass".  I started laughing but now I know to remember that.  I also had trouble getting my shoulders "up".  I think my shoulders just naturally hang low so she said I need to start packing muscle on my shoulders and when I work out practice my poses so I can get used to where my body should be.  
Overall, it was a great experience.  I don’t feel overwhelmed or discouraged but I have calmed down and realize I have a buttload of work to do!  This walk will not be all beer and skittles!  

Well enough blogging, time to hit the gym for LEG DAY!!!  Get excited!

My motivation is just through the roof right now. I’m it’s real now the the morning coffee buzz has worn off. Meeting with Kristy is going to be HUGE tonight. I’m just so excited!

And, I will also have some pics to post bc I’m going to have her take a couple pictures for me. I just didn’t want to look "ugly" I guess. I’ll feel better about the progress i’ve made knowing that I have makeup on and a cute outfit. And maybe better lighting lol? You can’t hide fat, but at least my face and hair will look pretty

And yes, it’s only 2:30!  So I went to check out the gym and I kinda liked it…. ok, truth is I thought it was a little dirty and reminded me of an ex warehouse turned gym, but I think they’re just remodeling.  Anyways, afterwards I called one of their trainers that was recommended to me by my friend Paul.  Turns out she’s an NPC judge and has a great deal of experience with competitors.  YAY!  I had a great talk with her and we will be meeting for the first time tomorrow!  I wish I could show up looking in better shape but she sounded friendly and like she wouldn’t make fun of me even if I didn’t look the greatest right now lol… Tomorrow will be mostly posing practice (OMG!), nutrition analysis, and then go from there.  I’m too excited seriously lol.  I CAN’T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!

Well Monday has been super so far. I met up with Tanya this morning and we did shoulders/back this morning. After work I’ll be doing Zumba! I love Zumba it’s so much fun. If I don’t work up enough of a sweat I’m going to hop on an elliptical afterwards to get in my cardio for the day.
Weigh in this morning wasn’t as good as I expected. I mean yes, I lost 1.5 pounds but I was really hoping to hit 175 this morning. Not discouraged at all though, AF is visiting right now I’ll just keep pushing to hit 173 next week.
Today I’m going to apply at a local gym as a group fitness instructor and see if they have any desk attendent openings. I’m so annoyed with the Y. With school out there are kids EVERYWHERE! I can’t deal with kids anymore! I go home and there are kids bc of the in-home daycare, I workout and there are kids everywhere on their phones, and when I’m at work MORE KIDS! I need a sanctuary! Hopefully I’ll find it today.