The Journey

It takes time to know how your body responds to things.  I know my body well enough to know exactly what I need to look for while bulking to make sure I am making the "best" gains possible.  The diet is what makes or breaks this.  Eat too much and you’ll gain too much bodyfat, eat too little and your strength/training is lackluster at best.  Here’s the current diet, more calories will be added the further I am into the wintertime.  I just recently increased the calories which I will start Thursday my off day (I added 2 cups of milk which I will have with my oatmeal.

Workout Days:

Meal 1 - 1.5 cups cooked oatmeal, 8 egg whites, 1 egg yolk, 1 fish oil pill

Meal 2 - 1 Ground turkey breast sandwich on 2 slices double fiber bread

Meal 3 - 8-10oz of boneless skinless chicken breast, 1 cup brown rice, 1 cup french cut green beans

Meal 4 - 1 4oz can of tuna, 1 kashi bar, 1oz of walnuts/almonds/pecans

Meal 5 - (Pre-workout) - 1 cup cooked oatmeal, 1 scoop whey in water, 1 kashi bar

Meal 6 - (Immediately post workout) - 1 scoop whey, 3 slices double fiber bread, 1 banana (this has changed quite a bit, still playing with this meal a lot),
Meal 7 - (Post-post workout) 8-10oz boneless skinless chicken breast, 8.5oz sweet potato, 1 cup broccoli, 1 fish oil pill
Meal 8 - 1 scoop ON Casein, 1 tablespoon peanut butter

Approx. ~3025 calories

Non-workout Days:

Meal 1 - 1.5 cups cooked oatmeal in 1 cup skim milk, 8 egg whites, 1 egg yolk, 1 fish oil pill

Meal 2 - 1.5 cups cooked oatmeal in 1 cup skim milk, 8-10oz boneless skinless chicken breast, 1 cup broccoli

Meal 3 - 1 Ground turkey burger, 1.5 cups cooked oatmeal, 1 cup broccoli

Meal 4 - 1 4oz can tuna, 1 kashi bar, 1oz of almonds/walnuts

Meal 5 - Meal replacement bar (Currently Nitrotech hardcore), 1 apple

Meal 6 - 1 Ground turkey breast sandwich on 2 slices of double fiber bread, 1 piece of toast

Meal 7- 1 scoop casein, 1 tablespoon of p/b.

5 Fish oil pills are taken throughout the day

Approx. ~2825 calories

Very soon I will be adding steak back in when I need more calories.  I need more fat in the plan and steak will fill this void.  I’m waiting to have more money first because this diet is KILLING my budget.  I’m gonna go broke from eating so much.  Next time I go to costco I’m picking up some flank steak.

I can’t tell you why.  I can’t tell you how.  Sometimes the act of taking charge of your life is all the inspiration you need to be the best version of yourself.  It’s monotony to the weak-willed.  It’s insane to the feeble-minded.  It’s life to me.  With each breath I will push further and further.  On the contrary it would be insane to give-in.  Just because I don’t meet a goal for one day or even a week, there is no reason to back down.  The fight is never ever over.  

I live my life to the cadence of my body.  I listen and adjust.  I look in the mirror with a patient yet confident stare.  All I need is time.  All I have is time.  The more experience and the more patient I am the more confident of the image in the mirror I become.

I do what is necessary to succeed each day.  This requires a discipline that most people cannot understand.  It is for this purpose that I every calorie, every training session, every hour of sleep must be made scientific and accounted for.  That is the art of change and of adaptation.  Certain things are sacrificed, but in the end what will I leave this world with?  Will I be some meathead that just liked to workout?  Maybe.  Or maybe I will leave this life having inspired one soul to become the best that they can be.  If this is true, than the moments in my life were never a waste.  It is meaning that drives me to excel.  The desire for understanding and growth is what allows me to never plateau.  There is no standing still with me.  There is motion.  Always motion.

"Man was born free, and he is everywhere in chains." ~Jean-Jacques Rousseau

I feel like I am a caged beast sometimes, being prodded and made to do tricks.  Society, my captor, barks commands at me and tells me I’m not worth a damn.  Like the lion in the circus that is made to do incredible things, but is still a lion in a cage.  The beast wants freedom.  Freedom to run and to be the predator he was meant to be.  I mimic this desire.  I want this freedom.  To be everything that I was born and meant to be.  For 1 hour 5 days a week I am free. I am the predator and the iron is the prey.  I hunt with vigor and sheer force.  My power is unlimited and my grip is firm.

Then, the moment I step out of the door.  I am back into my cage.  The cage of society telling me what it thinks is right.  The truth taking on many shapes, sizes, and colors.  It’s enough to make a sane person find a deep dark hole.  Life is so simple and so free behind those doors.  Chaos goes away, and the shackles are ripped off of me.  My time to run free without the hypocrisy, the hidden agendas, or the condescension.

It is truly a gift to have those moments that are all yours.  They say ignorance is bliss.  Well, maybe it is because if I had to choose between the simple act of pushing heavy ****, and dealing with the hypocrisy of life, I’d choose the former in a snap.  Cages don’t fit me very well.

What makes a man great?  Is it his ability to persuade people?  In times when people are afraid all he has to do is mutter a few safe words and the people are calmed.  Is it the ability to be strong?  He displays an act of physical disbelief and others follow mesmerized.  Is it the art of creation?  He sits at a piano, his fingers touch the keys and music is made.

I’m not sure what makes a man great.  I search each day for a shred of greatness in this life.  A moment where I am so much more than just a heap of skin and bones.  When I have proved my worth in this life.  What has my creation yielded me?  Have I been on the right path to creating the best version of “me” possible?  How far have I come?  So many questions come into my mind as I look into the past, present, and future.  The “way” is scary and the path is long, but no matter what I walk it.  Sometimes I hold my head in my hands and say “why?”  Yet other times I hold my head high on my shoulders and say “why the **** not?”

I would be a great man if I could stand on pillars and reach far out into the world and make the slightest difference.  The man who finds his way amidst all the fog of life is great.  The man who grasps destiny by the throat and squeezes the life out of it is great.  Constantly create a better version of yourself and you will NEVER fail.  I promise you this.  What you risk today to become the best person that you can be will affect everything around you tomorrow.  You must hold your head in what seems to be the most irrational of times.  Those that will put you down, will only bring you up.  Through their jealousy and meager cries of inadequacy you will learn to be better.
We are ultimately who we choose to be.  I choose to be the one busting my ****ing ass.  Every damn day.  Let the pain be welcomed and let the skin tear from my hands because this man will be great.

I’ve been going hard for over a year now.  Not ever missing a workout.  Rarely ever missing a meal.  The week of thanksgiving I will be taking a much needed CNS recovery week.  I’ll be vacationing in Florida at the time.  I am not taking a break from the diet at all, but I doubt I’ll be able to lift while I am down there.  I thought about trying to find a gym, but I think it will be nice just to relax my muscles for awhile.  11/22-11/29 will be my recovery week.

History teaches us that to create something majestic and profound we must first start with the foundation.  Not many projects have come to fruition by jumping head first into the last phase of the drawing board.  Sometimes we take 2 steps forward and 1 step back to accomplish what we must.  This is the art of discipline.

Courage throughout history has brought heroes to the top of mountains to inspire us all.  It is this courage that transcends the mind to be better.  I am inspired by those that walk before us who have built there majestic fortresses of self-worth from the very foundation of discipline and perseverance.  I am reminded so many times of why I live the way I live, the reason I push so hard, and the calm of letting go of failures so easily.  Every risk that I take puts one more stone in the wall of my own majestic creation.

I am always building.  My cathedral of patience is built by laying each stone in the right manner, and with the right amount of care.  Every detail being fixated and obsessed over until the creation of who I am is conjured.  The skin will tear off my fingers and the bar will be heavy on my back.  This means nothing because the fortress will always remain, waiting for the next stone to fall into place.

"The present is only intelligible in the light of the past." –Trench

When I look around at all the people who have so much passion for what they do, it makes me feel so small, so contrite.  The mom who works 2 jobs to support her kids.  The college graduate that prepares hours for an interview with a fortune 500 company.  It’s all a part of this mysterious pattern on earth.  Yesterday becomes two weeks ago, 2 years ago, and even a decade ago.  Time is gone as if someone only whispered it to you.  Where does that leave us?  Are we to sit idly by and let time take advantage of us?
Sometimes the hardest thing to do in life is to move forward.  To change with uncertainty to what the future holds.  It is so easy to become stuck in the past; thinking and feeling as if it were yesterday.  You become lost in different contexts of your own dreams and words.  "I could have done this or could have done that."  It’s hard to pull yourself together after a failure, loss, or recognition of inadequacy.

It appears that most of the population is around to give you words of trivial premise.  Words that float on your ears and mull in your mind bringing you back to your past once again.  It takes true diligence, will, and patience to not be led astray.  Pushing forward with each day towards the next goal, the next purpose.

We must believe that looking into the future will prepare us for the journey to self-discovery and awareness.  I must learn from my past. The mistakes, the joys, the suffering that it brought me.  But I must always live for in a constant cycle of forward motion.  Progressing to the next field of hope and renewal.  Failure cannot be my guide, rather the measure of my next success.

Underdog: The guy in the gym everyone’s rooting for.

There are a few guys in the gym that I see on a consistent basis.  There’s the IFBB pro, who everyone basically looks at as having the ideal physique.  There’s the powerlifter, that loads 5 plates on each side and does 2-3 reps on deadlifts with great form and everyone marvels at his strength.  There’s the 3-man group, the group that’s always there training in a cluster of three people, that train hard and fast.  There’s the shoulder king, the guy who trains shoulders 2-3 times a week, has a massive frame and goes hard everytime.  There’s the female fitness model, who basically works her back and legs for like 1-2 hours each day, and has the most amazing body.

All of these people I see everyday, and most of them acknowledge me now as one of their own.  The powerlifter actually marvels that a 146 pounder can deadlift 300lbs.  The IFBB pro notices how hard I work my legs when I am doing my triple drop set on hack squats.  The 3-man group notices my impeccable form when I do shoulder presses, and pretty much every exercise I do.  The shoulder king spots me when I hit the military presses big time.  The fitness model always acknowledges how hard I work and my focus on every exercise by giving me a smile.

I’m not at all a big guy, but I am what all these big guys would call, “the underdog.”  I’m the guy that’s in the gym working his goddamn ass off and focusing to get results.  In the winter I gain a little size, in the spring I start my cut.  The big guys notice this.  The shoulder king came up to me one day when I was doing legs and I had on one of my sleeveless tees and told me how cut I was getting.  They notice.  The notice how hard I work.  Years of training down the road will give me size.  I have nothing but time, will, and patience for this.

The “underdog” is the guy everyone in the gym everyone watches for changes because you know he’s gonna make it.  You know with his focus that the only way for him to go is up.  His eyes tell the truth because he knows that he has far to go.  He doesn’t walk around with a chip on his shoulder showing off how big he is because he knows that there are so many guys twice his size.

I chatted with the powerlifter briefly on my shoulder day on monday because the gym was absolutely crowded.  You had to weight for every damn bench and machine.  I was between sets on shoulder presses and he was standing there waiting for the incline bench.

Powerlifter: “God this place is ridiculous.”
Me: “I know.”  “I can’t stand it when it’s like this.”
Powerlifter: “It makes me want to go back to Gold’s.”
Me: “Me too, but I know Gold’s is somewhat like this too, it’s just the “springtime” get in shape people.”
Powerlifter: “Yeah forget that shit.” I want a hardcore gym.”  One where you and I can sweat our asses off and don’t have to wait for shit like this.”
Me: “Amen to that.”

Respect is paid.  Honor is won.  Just a few words because we know what we have to get done.  We know what we are there for.  We know what it takes to become better.  We know that if we don’t put our whole heart into it we can’t get that feeling of accomplishment, that feeling of going home and earning that post-workout shake.  You earn respect.  As just one of the underdogs in my gym, I don’t ever expect to be respected by my fellow brothers in iron, but goddammit while I am there and the veins are popping out of my skin with each rep, they will know that I gave it my all.  More importantly, I will know that I gave it my all.  There is nothing more satisfying than the feeling of becoming more than you ever thought you could be.

"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will." –Ghandi

I keep learning about my body everyday.  I can’t help it.  The art of manipulating your body to do exactly what you want it too, all the time, is something that is an ongoing process throughout your life.  What I do know about myself is that no matter how hard things get I push myself.  I push hard.  Even when I feel dizzy and want to pass out, I push.

I’d be willing to say life is the same way.  When the chaos ensues or things get out of control, will you push hard through those times, or will you idly sit back be engulfed in the chaos?  It’s a question I ask myself everyday.  In a calorie deficit and dieting to lose bodyfat you start to question a lot of things.  Your energy levels fluctuate, your moods become inconsistent, and your appetite becomes weird.  I envy those with fast metabolisms already that can burn through carbs faster than I can type this entry into my blog, but we are born with what we’ve got, and we have to make due.

The capacity to endure putting yourself through such hard, intense, brutal training is what I have learned over the years.  It’s not about how much you lift, or how long you are in the gym.  It’s about busting your ass to get the results you want.  What will you do to achieve results?  How far will you go?  If your not doing it, I guarantee someone else is.  Someone else will always be working harder, enduring more than you.  Killing themself to get in the best shape of their life.

How much can I endure?  I’m not really sure, I’ve pushed the threshold the past week.  Double cardio on off lifting days with little carbs, adding cardio after a leg workout.  All while trying to maintain the muscle I gained a couple months ago.  It’s hard, and there are no ****ing secrets to it.

I will endure.  I will strive to excel.  There is no stopping an iron will.  Even when the weight that I lift drops exponentially, and my energy is sapped I will push to my last breath.  If I pass out, at least I will have passed out knowing I gave it my all.  Knowing I have attributed to my own destiny by surpassing the threshold.  There is no bar too high, there is no escaping my iron will.  Wish me luck on the journey.  It only gets harder.

Am I missing out on life?  Am I missing out on the numerous parties that my friends talk about where they got wasted and threw up on a construction cone while riding down the freeway?  Am I missing out on those dinners out with a special girl who catches my fancy?

You’re damn right I am.  That’s how devoted I am.  I was recently asked to go to a party in Charlotte, North Carolina where a really awesome DJ was spinning.  It was interesting that the first thought that came to my head was, "what am I going to do about food?"  I pride myself in adapting very well to situations, but the thought of being without my power foods and the sustenance that keeps my body from going catabolic is too much to bear.

I think I spoke out loud.  Oops.  I got angry looks.  "You *******.  If that’s the only reason that you’re not going that’s so STUPID!"  Yeah, it’s ****ing stupid.  Just as stupid as  spending nights and days researching the cure for cancer, or just as stupid as the musician who practices the same 4 measures of a song endlessly to get it right.  Yeah, it’s ****ing stupid.

Am I missing out on life?  Maybe.  Depends on what you look for in life.  If life to you is enjoying every second of everyday and creating a utopia of contentment around yourself.  Yes, I am missing out on life.  If life is working your freaking ass off too achieve a pinnacle within oneself, then I most definitely am not.  Some people that I come across respect and honor my passion.  Comments such as "I wish I was so passionate and devoted to one thing like you are."  I wish, I wish, I wish.  I feel sympathy for these lost souls.  I just want to console them for their troubles.  Go out and get it.  Find that thing that empowers you.  Makes you whole.  Easier said then done I guess…

The thing I wonder about the most is if I am missing out on other opportunities to enrich my life.  Maybe it’s a new girl, or a new career.  Am I missing out on these things by focusing all my energy on this lifestyle.  It’s quite possible, and that’s scary, but how hard would this journey be if there wasn’t fear involved.  Fear can drive us, push us to excel, or it can demolish us and frustrate us.

Am I missing out on all the parties?  Yes.  Am I missing out on eating chocolate ice cream with a pretty girl?  Yes.  Am I missing out on sleeping in all day?  Yes.  I am missing out on a lot of things.  No matter how much I miss out on, though, I will never miss out on being true to myself.  For me, that is what matters beyond all the parties, the booze, and the chocolate ice cream.  Never forgetting how hard I have worked and how honest of a man I have become.  I will never miss out on myself.