The Journey

When I wake up each morning there is a regimen I follow.

1. Throw the dog on the floor because he made me sleep on my hand and now it is numb.
2. Smack the damn alarm clock on the head to sleep 9 more minutes.
3. Go in the bathroom and prepare for a shower.
4. Step out of the bathtub after my shower and look in the mirror.

"Where am I?"

That’s the question I ask myself every morning.  Is my body doing what I want it too?  What has changed?  What hasn’t changed?  Sometimes I might step on the scale to make sure I’m not gaining/losing weight too fast.  The mirror only tells us half the story of our bodies.  I have begun to know my body extremely well.  Over the course of time I think every person who endeavors into this lifestyle begins to know themselves a little better.  Through diligence and sacrifice I have learned the true art of patience and hard work.  The harder I work the more I learn patience.  I tell myself "there is time, no rush."  It used to be different.  I was the typical gym rat that wanted quick results.  I want to get big quick!!!  **** that.  Who was I kidding?

Now, the mirror identifies hard work and pure diligence.  It doesn’t seem to be about quick results anymore.  It’s something different.  That indescribable feeling that you get when you believe so much in yourself that you can do anything.  Achieve any goal.  No matter what your size, you are a monster in the gym.  Does the mirror tell me this when I start to do a Front Double Bicep pose?  Maybe.  What is essential, though, is the infinitely small changes in my body that happen without me knowing it.  A quick look in the mirror won’t tell you this, but by the time you finally notice it, you don’t even care anymore.  You have bigger ambitions.

"Where am I?"

I am one step closer to the man I have always wanted to become.  I am one breath closer to living the best life that I can.  I am an arm’s length from what I always thought was impossible.  Then, I shut off the light in the bathroom, and move on.

My friend asked me the other day to design her a program that would get her the "booty" she always wanted.  I laughed at that one.  I set up a program for her that focused mainly on legs and reducing bodyfat through cardio.  She was not eating anywhere near the calories she should have.  Once you get so low on calories your body hits the starvation mode and won’t let you burn any fat because your body needs it to survive.  At any rate it was actually pretty fun designing a program for her.  I then asked her one question, "how much time are you willing to dedicate to this?"  To this she replied "I don’t want to be a bodybuilder, I just want to look good for summer."

Sigh…Who said anything about being a bodybuilder?  I lay out a plan for you that requires you to eat 6 meals a day, do some strength training, and do some cardio and you automatically think you are a bodybuilder?  I thought about this a lot for the next few days.

What does it take to be a bodybuilder?  Most times I hardly even consider myself one because even though I am extremely dedicated I see guys around me that are twice as dedicated.  I have to remember how new I am to this and how much experience there is out there.   I told my friend that to be a bodybuilder you must eat, sleep, and live it.  Going 5 days a week to the gym to get your booty in shape for summer is not being a bodybuilder.  Maybe to some it is, but to me, it is all about the life.

I proceeded to tell her that she would have to sacrifice things, i.e. bad foods, and ESPECIALLY alcohol.  She couldn’t fathom this.  She refused to give it up, but she said she would cut back.  It was so hard for me to give up alcohol when I first truly dedicated myself to bodybuilding, but we do what we must.  It’s just so hard for people to understand.  Most girls I meet just hate that I have to eat every 2-3 hours to remain anabolic, and I have to interrupt our "hang out" time just to do it.  Oh, well…
Brothers, it is hard for us to find people that will truly accept our way of life.  We aren’t just people that "want to look good for summer."  Our purpose, our goals, our pain, is what gives us hope beyond one set destination.  Purpose.  Yes, there is purpose here.  We bear the burden of always wanting more.  Our purpose circumvents our lives and makes us strong.  Be proud, brothers.  Purpose will deliver you along your journey.  Don’t walk there.  Drive a chariot into the abyss and never look back.

You spend your life eating, training, resting, and recovering.  Every angle is played out so that you can maximize your size and strength, and gain the most quality muscle possible.  Are you self-absorbed?  No, you just have dreams.  What happens when someone comes into your life that you actually feel like could partake in your journey?  It’s hard.  They want time.  They want you to have a nice dinner out at a fancy restaurant where you can’t count calories.  They want you to skip one meal just to be with them a little bit longer.  They want you to forego the gym one day just so that you can spend more quality time with them.

It’s hard.  You have balanced your life so dutifully, so righteously.  You have set your major goals and your determination is steadfast.  Then, suddenly you are dating someone that likes you for who you are but can’t stand the lifestyle you live.  Is it because they feel bad because they don’t eat as healthy as you?  No.  Is it because they feel guilty they don’t take as good care of their bodies as you?  No.  It is because they feel like you are so self-absorbed with your quest that you have no time for anyone but yourself.  In some sense, this could be true, but imagine what the world would be like if everyone went after their dreams.  Wow, what a difference that would make.

It would seem to me that the ideal person to come into anyone’s life is one that will understand and respect certain lifestyles.  True, the bodybuilding lifestyle is not the normal "american" lifestyle, but it is the way you live your life.  You are proud of all the you have accomplished, you want someone who will share in your success.  Not someone who will pester you and ask you why you do what you do all the time.  It is a part of you that is what makes it special.  Just like the painter spends his time at a canvas, you spend your time perfecting your body.  There is not much difference here.  You are not self-absorbed you are the painter that has a dream.  Hopefully the person you meet along the way will nuture this dream and push you harder to succeed.

I’ve given up a lot to pursue this lifestyle.  Some people that cross your path will understand this and encourage you.  Others will just sit there and ask why.  I have dedicated myself to this as a testament to my own will and my own desire to be better.  Constantly changing, constantly learning and enjoying the journey.

I would honestly have to say my real journey started back in August of last year when I started finally researching the proper way to lift, eat, and build muscle.  I started by cutting the bodyfat first.  I admit, I look back and ask myself why the hell I was doing certain things, but that’s just part of the journey to understand your body.  Your body reacts to different stimulus in different ways.  Just a small fraction of the things I have learned about my body are:

1. No FAD diet works for me.  The best meal plans for me contain a good mix of Carbs/Protein/Fat i.e., 40/40/20 or 45/40/15.
2. I have to train in all rep ranges for my muscles to grow.
3. A 5 day split works best for me.
4. Never lower my calories under 2700, I start to burn muscle when I do this.
5. I am your typical Endo-mesomorph, which finds it easy to gain muscle mass, but a little bit harder to burn fat off, in this case I must always do cardio.  I can never cut that out. (if I want to stay below 10% bodyfat of course)

Those are just a VERY VERY few select things I have learned about myself in no particular order.  I am currently clean bulking, which is actually pretty difficult in itself because I am an endo-mesomorph and I have to do about 4-5 days of cardio to not gain too much bodyfat back.  On the bright side you can tell by my workout journal that I have increased weights SUBSTANTIALLY from when I started the bulk, hence gaining muscle pretty fast.   I am particularly impressed with how my legs and shoulders have developed.  I never thought I would be close to squatting almost 2.5 times my bodyweight a few months ago.  Proper diet and nutrition has allowed me to gain quality muscle and strength.

It’s been interesting, to say the least.  Being picky about selecting foods, giving up alcohol, sometimes giving up time with friends, eating every 2-3 hours, tracking every calorie that I consume, always trying to get 8 hours of sleep.  That’s just some of the things that I have had to give up.  It’s fine with me, though.  When my eyes, heart, and mind are focused on a goal, it is "do or die."  Nothing and no one will get in my way.

I remember the first days I ever started lifting back in high school.  I used to do the machine bench press 3 times a week with my buddy, and we used to see which one could do more reps than the other.  I think we started at like 50 lbs. and would do sets of like 30 reps.  We would fight back and forth each week to see who could get more reps and more weight.

In the weight room back then you had a few select crowds.  You had the football players who were just always trying to get big, the soccer players (me) who wanted to just stay in shape, and you had what I call the "posers."  The posers were the ones that wanted to be big and in shape, and would try to throw all this heavy weight around and then go talk to all the girls afterwards.  Not a big surprise that all of us in the weight room hated them.

But I digress.  My friend and I kept at it through our freshman year of high school and decided to move to different exercises.  I tried doing power cleans for the first time and I almost fell over, we all had a good laugh on that one.  I recall vividly the archaic heavy metal music that would drive us to almost claw our eyes out to destroy the iron.  There were a total of 2 flat benches in the weight room.  My eyes would always wander over to the "big" guys would would be benching over 250 for multiple reps.  I yearned for that sort of strength.

In particular there was this one guy a class below me, not huge, but strong as a freaking ox.  He was about my height and was a football player, but had a well-rounded physique. (not at chubby football player)  He was always there.  Balls to the wall, sweat dripping down his forehead everytime.  He was an inspiration to all of us because the bigger guys respected him for his unprecedented strength, and the smaller guys (me) respected him for his outright dedication.  He would always say hey to me as I would sit on the flat-bench ready to put up my lame ass weight.

It was my junior/senior (can’t remember) year of high school at about 7:51am in the morning when an announcement came on the loud speaker as we were sitting in phys ed class.

"I’m sure most of you have heard, that _____ committed suicide last night.  There will be counseling stations setup around the school if anyone needs them."

It didn’t actually sink in.  I had to run the words through my mind a few times.  There were girls around me crying, people saying "oh my god" and all I could do was stare at the flat-bench.  I pictured him sitting there, ready to destroy the weight.  Ready to be the master of his own destiny, but he wasn’t there.  I could not stop thinking about his dedication, his hard work….gone.  After school in the weight room, it was like a blur.  People were zombies.  We could not lift, we could not speak, we just remembered.  We remembered him sitting on that rusty flat bench an inspiration to all watching him.  A few months later a plaque was put up in his memory in our weight room so that his hard work and determination was never forgotten.  I’m sure it’s still there today, but I haven’t gone back to my high school in years and probably wouldn’t want too.

Sometimes during my rest between sets when I am clearing my mind in preparation for more pain I think back on this man.  This man that everyone respected.  I imagine his dedication to being better, wanting more, never giving in.  I have come so far in what is just the beginning of my journey.  I will look back on these days that will soon be a memory and ask myself, "did I give it my all?"  **** yeah, I did.

There is this one guy in the gym that is there like every weekend.  He has spotted me a few times on bench and some other exercises.  He’s a real nice guy and I hope he gets the results he’s looking for.  There is one thing that bugs me about him, though.  One thing that I just want to scream out to him so that he can get better results.

When I get to the gym I spend about 45 minutes lifting then do about 30 minutes cardio (unless it’s leg day).  This guy is lifting from the moment I walk in the door until after I finish my cardio.  He doesn’t do full body workouts either.  I just want to scream to him that 2 hours doing 1 bodypart is going to seriously hinder his progress.  I mean I am not one to criticize people’s workouts because I myself am always learning new techniques and approaches to stimulating muscle growth, but if there is one thing I have learned thus far it’s that efficiency is key to building the most muscle.  Stimulate the muscle in a good 45-50 lifting workout, then get the hell out (or do cardio to keep bodyfat at bay).

Great guy, though.  So I won’t say anything to him, but in the last month that I have seen him he hasn’t grown at all, and does the same weight.  Sigh, oh well.   It probably is a matter of nutrition, too, but again, who am I to judge.

Keep it simple people.  When all else fails, stick to the basics, stick to the basics, stick to the basics.  Want to gain some size? Do compound lifts and raise your calories.  Want to lose bodyfat?  Lower calories or do more cardio.  It’s just that simple.  You don’t have to be in the gym for 3 hours to get a "good" workout.  That’s just my 2 sense.  Take it for what it is.

Doubt.

It clouds us.  It makes us stare into an abyss of shadow and longing.  I try to hold it back when it starts to creep to the surface of my hands and feet.  It tries to put us in a place that we cannot come back from.  It lurks underneath our skin and bones trying aimlessly to bruise our very souls.  It makes life harder by its very existence.  If we could just make it dissappear or make it vanish into the atmosphere forever, our lives would be so full.

No, doubt will never leave you.  Never let you get away.  If we run fast enough we can temporarily beat it, but it will eventually catch us.  Even if it is for a fraction of a second, you will have lost.  You put your head in your hands and breath, to control the fiery rage that doubt has caused you.  "Just leave me alone," you exclaim, sweat dripping off your forehead.

It is only natural to feel helpless at times.  To be so full of doubt, that every move you make stands in question.  I fear that my doubt will one day destroy me.  Laying on a flat bench one day I will just say "**** it, I can’t do this."  It is that one moment that everything I have worked my ass off to attain just comes piling down upon me and I give in.  This is what I am most afraid of.  The fear that doubt will finally take control of my life, and I will fall.
Next time you are looking down/up at a weight that you never would have dreamed you’d get too, keep this in mind:

You’ve come this far, you’ve broken down barriers that you never knew you could.  Doubt didn’t get you here, you did.