The Journey

"Man was born free, and he is everywhere in chains." ~Jean-Jacques Rousseau

I feel like I am a caged beast sometimes, being prodded and made to do tricks.  Society, my captor, barks commands at me and tells me I’m not worth a damn.  Like the lion in the circus that is made to do incredible things, but is still a lion in a cage.  The beast wants freedom.  Freedom to run and to be the predator he was meant to be.  I mimic this desire.  I want this freedom.  To be everything that I was born and meant to be.  For 1 hour 5 days a week I am free. I am the predator and the iron is the prey.  I hunt with vigor and sheer force.  My power is unlimited and my grip is firm.

Then, the moment I step out of the door.  I am back into my cage.  The cage of society telling me what it thinks is right.  The truth taking on many shapes, sizes, and colors.  It’s enough to make a sane person find a deep dark hole.  Life is so simple and so free behind those doors.  Chaos goes away, and the shackles are ripped off of me.  My time to run free without the hypocrisy, the hidden agendas, or the condescension.

It is truly a gift to have those moments that are all yours.  They say ignorance is bliss.  Well, maybe it is because if I had to choose between the simple act of pushing heavy ****, and dealing with the hypocrisy of life, I’d choose the former in a snap.  Cages don’t fit me very well.

What makes a man great?  Is it his ability to persuade people?  In times when people are afraid all he has to do is mutter a few safe words and the people are calmed.  Is it the ability to be strong?  He displays an act of physical disbelief and others follow mesmerized.  Is it the art of creation?  He sits at a piano, his fingers touch the keys and music is made.

I’m not sure what makes a man great.  I search each day for a shred of greatness in this life.  A moment where I am so much more than just a heap of skin and bones.  When I have proved my worth in this life.  What has my creation yielded me?  Have I been on the right path to creating the best version of “me” possible?  How far have I come?  So many questions come into my mind as I look into the past, present, and future.  The “way” is scary and the path is long, but no matter what I walk it.  Sometimes I hold my head in my hands and say “why?”  Yet other times I hold my head high on my shoulders and say “why the **** not?”

I would be a great man if I could stand on pillars and reach far out into the world and make the slightest difference.  The man who finds his way amidst all the fog of life is great.  The man who grasps destiny by the throat and squeezes the life out of it is great.  Constantly create a better version of yourself and you will NEVER fail.  I promise you this.  What you risk today to become the best person that you can be will affect everything around you tomorrow.  You must hold your head in what seems to be the most irrational of times.  Those that will put you down, will only bring you up.  Through their jealousy and meager cries of inadequacy you will learn to be better.
We are ultimately who we choose to be.  I choose to be the one busting my ****ing ass.  Every damn day.  Let the pain be welcomed and let the skin tear from my hands because this man will be great.

I’ve been going hard for over a year now.  Not ever missing a workout.  Rarely ever missing a meal.  The week of thanksgiving I will be taking a much needed CNS recovery week.  I’ll be vacationing in Florida at the time.  I am not taking a break from the diet at all, but I doubt I’ll be able to lift while I am down there.  I thought about trying to find a gym, but I think it will be nice just to relax my muscles for awhile.  11/22-11/29 will be my recovery week.

History teaches us that to create something majestic and profound we must first start with the foundation.  Not many projects have come to fruition by jumping head first into the last phase of the drawing board.  Sometimes we take 2 steps forward and 1 step back to accomplish what we must.  This is the art of discipline.

Courage throughout history has brought heroes to the top of mountains to inspire us all.  It is this courage that transcends the mind to be better.  I am inspired by those that walk before us who have built there majestic fortresses of self-worth from the very foundation of discipline and perseverance.  I am reminded so many times of why I live the way I live, the reason I push so hard, and the calm of letting go of failures so easily.  Every risk that I take puts one more stone in the wall of my own majestic creation.

I am always building.  My cathedral of patience is built by laying each stone in the right manner, and with the right amount of care.  Every detail being fixated and obsessed over until the creation of who I am is conjured.  The skin will tear off my fingers and the bar will be heavy on my back.  This means nothing because the fortress will always remain, waiting for the next stone to fall into place.

Just a quick entry on the results of the last 2 weeks.  Interestingly, eating the same number of calories now does not keep my current weight.  Charting my progress I am consistently down 1 lb. each week for the past 2 weeks.  I don’t like this.  I will be adding 250 calories to my program in the form of carbs, so that I can continue my slightly above maintenance gains.  I can also tell in the gym that the amount of calories I am eating (~2600) is not enough to sustain the best workouts as my energy levels aren’t as great.  

Granted, I’m not entirely upset about losing the weight because it seems it’s entirely bodyfat, but for the goals that I want, I don’t want to be moving down.  I want to be going up.  It’s not an all out bulk (excuse to get fat) it’s eating slightly above maintenance to grow into a weight, i.e. being 147 at 9% rather than 10%.  In essence you have gained muscle.  I guess you could call it bulking in the technical sense because I am above calories needed to maintain weight, but I prefer to call it "growing into a weight."

Anyway, hopefully the addition of the extra calories will help maintain/gain again, and not be losing so fast.  I don’t like losing 1lb. a week at all, unless I am all out cutting.

Diet:

Workout Days (5 days a week)

Meal 1 - 1.5 cups cooked oatmeal, 8 egg whites, 1 egg yolk
Meal 2 - 4-5 oz serving of extra lean ground turkey breast
Meal 3 - 6-9oz serving boneless skinless chicken breast, 1 cup brown rice, 1 cup french cut green beans
Meal 4 - 1 oz of pecans, 1 4oz can of low sodium tuna
Meal 5 (Pre-workout) - 1 cup cooked oatmeal, 1 kashi chewy bar, 1 scoop ON Whey protein
PWO Shake - 1.25 scoops ON Whey Protein, 1/2 cup raw grinded oats, 1 banana
Meal 6 - 6-9oz boneless skinless chicken breast, 7oz of sweet potato (no skin), 3oz fresh cut broccoli florets
Meal 7 (pre-sleep) - 1 scoop ON Casein Protein, 1 tablespoon Almond butter
I take 1 fish oil capsule with dinner which is 10 calories.

Total Calories ~ 2760-2775

Non workout Days (2 days)

Meal 1 - 1.5 cups cooked oatmeal, 8 egg whites, 1 egg yolk
Meal 2 - 4-5oz serving extra lean ground turkey breast, 1 cup cooked oatmeal, 3 oz fresh cut broccoli florets
Meal 3 - 4-5oz serving extra lean ground turkey breast, 1 cup cooked oatmeal, 3 oz fresh cut broccoli florets
Meal 4 - 1 4oz can of low sodium tuna, 1oz pecans, 1 kashi bar
Meal 5 - 1 scoop ON Whey protein, 1oz pecans
Meal 6 - 4-5oz serving of extra lean ground turkey breast, 3oz fresh cut broccoli florets
Meal 7 - 1 scoop ON Casein protein, 1 tablespoon Almond Butter
Throughout the day 6-7 fish oil caps taken with each meal

Total Calories ~ 2430-2460

A shutter.  You get shivers down your spine.  Your teeth chatter with the coming breeze.  It’s a change of season and your old sweaters now become your best friends.  You put on more and more clothes to accommodate your body.  It’s change, but it’s just different.  It’s not worse.

I welcome the cold.  The time when the gym is actually at its quietest.  All those "wannabes" finally get the hell out, and there is room to actually breath again.  I welcome this change because as seasons come and go, I grow stronger and wiser.  I leave old relics of myself behind and learn new and exciting ways to create pain and anguish on my body. What fun!

You can go cuddle up at your fireplace with your christmas wreaths and your halloween costumes.  I’ll take my chances with the bitter cold crushing iron.  I’m an addict.  I can’t get enough.  Hot or cold, whatever temperature it is, I’m there busting my ass, taking it to the next level.  Never satisfied with "just o.k."  I’ll give it 100% or nothing at all.  I’ll slip into my hoodie and my skullcap, and make my own way.

Sometimes the days and weeks blur together in one seemingly collective mess.  You’re so caught up in the daily grind you forget to dream and to make goals for yourself.  It’s hard.  I know.  When you are payin’ your dues and putting the time in, the last thing on your mind is goal setting.

I find those are the most important times to take a step back and draw new conclusions and create new paths to follow.  To me, becoming the best version of myself is outlining who/what I want to become and following through with that plan.  Never giving in to the masses, the ones that would tell you that what you seek is impossible to find.  "Impossible" is completely out of my dictionary now.  Now the days and weeks mean something more to me the a mess of hours and minutes.  Time is the source of making the impossible possible for me.  Time spent training, eating, recovering, and learning.

Consequently,  I am drawn to the path of the solitary lifestyle.  Life, to me, is not about surrounding yourself with people that give you joy, it is about you creating joy within yourself so that those around you are filled with joy.  Thus, I am better, stronger, more powerful, than before and because of this those around me are as well.  Where do we find this joy within ourselves?  Well, I propose that everyone has their calling and people know themselves much better than I can make a generalization about.  So I don’t assume to know at all.  What I do know is that the strong-willed will always carry the heavy weight of the world upon their shoulders looking down at shadows of iron between their feet.

It’s not often that you find people willing to take that extra step in life.  That extra few minutes to take out the trash, or that extra few words that will help console a friend.  What would happen if everyone in life did go that extra step?  I can’t imagine life full of people that were so passionate about those extra few steps.

Each day is a mountain to climb for me.  I must take those steps that help me to recognize my own self-worth.  Not because I am forced too, but because if I don’t what kind of person am I?  I’m 100% or nothing.  Too many times we are poisoned by a world that believes only that to complete a task we must only take the steps that are before us.  Going above and beyond would be ludicrous, outside the realm of comfortable.

I was never one to stay in the realm of "comfortable".  My life loses its edge when I stay in this dreary boring place.  What kind of person would I create if I was to always do only what was required.  This is safe.  No risk, no pain, no learning.  Where is my reward?

No.  The best version of myself will not come from a half-hearted effort.  It will take everything inside of me.  As much as my body and mind can handle, then going further.  Those few extra steps that set me apart from the rest.  Take that for what it is.  I don’t give a **** if you don’t think I have what it takes, or if you think that my dreams are so far out of reach.  The true believer does not look at his/her goals as being out of reach they know that is simply a matter of time.  Payin’ dues everyday.  Sometimes scraping the bottom of the ****in’ barrel to come out on top.  Doing what needs to be done, in order to achieve.
What extra steps have you taken lately?

It’s everyday.  It’s waking up and doing morning cardio.  It’s cooking for 6 days in advance.  It’s setting the alarm on your cell phone as a reminder to eat.  It’s giving up alcohol for good.  It’s calculating the calories in a day above or below maintenance.  It’s training until you can’t walk.
I don’t care what people say about me.  I don’t care if people think I’m too small.  For me, it’s just a matter of time.  I WILL be bigger.  I have the patience and the drive to see it through.  Nothing anyone says matters to me.  When the doors close behind me in the gym, I’m bigger than everyone.  I train harder than everyone.  In my mind I am the biggest mother f@#$er to ever set foot under the barbell.  Each hard-earned pound of muscle brings me closer, bigger, stronger.
It’s waking up each day and looking forward into the eyes of giants and becoming the one I was meant to be.

I was out and about today doing some grocery shopping for some more egg whites and chicken and I decided to stop at the mall.  I figured it’s been like 8 months since I bought any new clothes whatsoever so I would take a look at some shirts.  I went into American Eagle and was looking at their graphic tees.  Decided to try on a shirt.

I was completely amazed how it fit.  It was so freaking tight around the shoulders and chest.  That size used to fit me decently.  It was always somewhat tight, but it felt like it was spandex on my skin and I was stretching it just having it on.  Damn, I looked good in the mirror, but I thought, when I start bulking in November again, I’m gonna get bigger.  It’s not a matter of "if" I’m going to get bigger, it’s just a matter of when.  I decided to take the next size up.  I can’t wait for the day when I have to put on the XXL line of clothes.  Unfortunately, since my waist is so small, I would look stupid in them.  Looks like it spandex all the way.

Sometimes I get so caught up in the minor details like bodyfat, calories, training, that I just forget to measure progress in other areas.  Putting on that new shirt told me something.  All the eating, training, dieting, training, eating, sleeping, recovering, eating, training, eating, eating….has paid off.  Purpose is never forgotten no matter how deep in the **** you are.  Slow and steady for me is good.  Hopefully the next time I put on a new shirt I’ll have to get another size up.