rawlife’s BodyBlog

  Puttin down 2.5-3.25lbs of raw meat a day here. I’ve more or less come to the decision that if I’m ever going to the things I want out of life(primarily relationships), I’ve really got to get to the top of my game here…I think things will be easier if people already know what they are getting into before they meet me.  I’ve been avoiding it for a while due to my distaste with bodybuilding and a lot of what goes along with it, but as you may or may not know, I’ve since broadened my horizons a bit and gotten much more interested in developing athleticism and strength vs big muscles, which doesn’t appeal to me all that much anymore.  It feels like what I really needed was a shift or a progression rather than something entirely new.  That’s usually how it is, I guess.  I never really saw myself leaving training altogether, but things were definitely shaky there for a while.  I think one of the developments I will definitely experience in the future is the ability to let it go completely when the time is not right-if I’m out on an adventure for example.  If I make it down to Antarctica or go back to Svalbard, I’m not going to be worried about getting the calories or eating raw or bla bla bla…a little more go with the flow.

  Anyway, here’s one of the two ‘control’ workouts I am going right now, 2x weekly.  I work to improve it every other week. 

    High Step+Deadlift+Chins+Seated Row+DB shoulder press or chest Press….2x around, no rest inbetween sets. 

…Feeling pretty good about it, to be honest.  I feel like I’ve got a lot figured out about myself thus far.  Ha! I feel like I got a lot of that lot figured out in just the last few days.  Been thinkin more than usual lately.  Not quite the same volume as was thought in the 2005-7 era, but quite a lot of thinking nonetheless.  On the one hand, I really can’t keep going as I’m going.  I’ve got to lighten up and not be quite so anal about the physical ‘leaks’ in society and human behavior.  On the other hand, I can’t deny my own mind and ability for happening upon them and doing something about it.  

   I keep thinking about what defines a person’s intelligence, and I think I may have been somewhat wrong up until now.  A person’s intelligence, in addition to having to do with mental acuity in regards to subjects one can observe, count, measure…etc, is invariably and much more heavily and intricately entwined with a person’s ability to recognize and be able do what works to get him/her the comfort/happiness he/she desires.  The truth of the matter is, a focus, especially and extreme focus, on the physical doesn’t have the potential to deliver happiness on the great scale…and if that is the goal, then a person desperately searching for happiness via that/those channels isn’t a real smart one.  (I’ve written a lot about this in the book, I’m trying not to actually say a whole lot that I do in there….I only have so many good points, you know). 

The person that is ‘dumber’ often ends up on top of the person that is ’smarter’…and I’ve kind of come to the conclusion that it is because they are not dumber at all, they are smarter in regards to the things that actually have the potential to deliver them happiness, which probably makes them smarter overall, in my book.  Instead of focusing on being a hotshot, getting to the top of his game, he’s focusing on being a good person that can often connect well with other people and promote a sense of well being and happiness so people can continue to improve and be happy.  In other words, he’s working on the foundation from which all other things come up, whereas the ’smarter’ person is often trying to improve society by promoting an ideal which is a result of the foundation-a symptom….he’s telling people to eat better, live more eco friendly, and he’s telling them exactly why….but he’s not promoting the things that actually help people come to those conclusions themselves: the comfort, the love, the joy in it all….That’s actually not smart.  That makes him the ‘dumb guy,’ because the original dumb guy was at least smart enough to see that human behavior isn’t driven by logic, rather comfort/love/happiness-or the avoidance of their counterparts.

    It’s not like this **** is new to me, to be honest, but it definitely hasn’t sunk in yet.  A big problem I consistently face is: how can I be the things that appeal to my spirit while achieving the ideals that appeal to my mind?

ps.  If you are a cute and nice girl and want to get into contact with me, please do.

   Someone signed my guestbook and that reminded me that I need to keep this thing going.  Actually, I think about it pretty often so it’s not really a chore by any means, and this one is going to be therapeautic.  I went out with my neighbor last night.  I’m telling you, every single day I believe more and more in this law of attraction thing.  We’re more similar than I could have imagined, even some very similar experiences.  It’s real unfortunate that they just don’t seem to jive all that well. 

It’s probably a pretty predictable predicament for me to be in, but it’s not that often I meet people I really connect with.  It’s hard for people to see past the lifestyle.  I left the bodybuilding lifestlye many years back and adopted the health for all lifestyle in its stead….the bbing lifestyle was hard enough.  Introducing myself to people is always kind of interesting; unforunately, I’ve developed anxiety over it.  I just wait for the uncomfortable so early in the conversation where our path go their seperate ways.  The fact of the matter is, I find myself very far from where I started and almost obscenely far from the majority of the people out there-not necessarily farther forward, just far.  I asked one of my former girlfriends what I should do about this problem and she said I should really try and kind of slowly let myself seep out rather than being open from the very beginning, which has always been a little more my taste…or maybe my way of avoiding future let down.  Letting myself ’seep’ out always feels like I should be ashamed of who I am, and I, of course, don’t like that. 

Anyway, I really did my best with this girl, but once it came out that I eat only raw organic food, I never drink, I pick up trash as I walk and try to live an environmentally conscious lifestyle, and dig up trees from parks and plant them elsewhere, and don’t like or often respect laws in general, all amongst ten million other stories of very unusual experiences I’ve had that few people share with me(some of which I’ve written about in this blog)….it’s just all too much.  And what’s really too much is that I’m just too damn arrogant about it.  I don’t come right out and tell people what to do, but I make it real clear that I think people don’t know what the hell they’re talking about or doing and that I do…that I always do.  I have to stop that if I’m going to get anywhere with people-I’m not going to get anywhere with my goddamn self.  People that think they know everything are amongst the least smart of them all.   

I told her a lot about my upbringing.  The fact is, I’ve always been somewhat isolated in one way or another-whether by family situation or physical problem(I had some physical issues as a kid that forced me to learn how to stand on my own two feet a little more than most I think).  This probably just sounded like some sob story, but I hope that people can see the truth in it…these things have molded me into the person I am today, and the person I am today seems to be very different from most other people so I try to explain it.  The person I am today is someone that has a very hard time doing something just to go with the flow.  I find myself almost always trying to find the ‘most right’ answer…or best way regardless of whether or not it is acceptable to society. 

But maybe the best way is also a way that includes the understanding of other people and acknowledges that being social and giving and receiving compassion and love and happiness to other people is also part of ‘what makes sense.’  I know that’s true.  I know that it is, but it’s not really coming out yet in my actions.  I still find myself feeling like an idiot when I do things that I know don’t make physical sense…but again, I find myself thinking, maybe they do make physical sense.  Maybe fun and socializing and etc actually has a greater positive health benefit to your body than the avoidance of whatever you were going to do and the ‘healthy’ thing you would have done in its place.  To be completely honest, the longest lived individuals are not the raw foodists, not the vegans or vegetarians, not the low carbers…they’re the ones that enjoy the hell out of life.  I just read an interview with some 110 year old guy and when they asked him what his secret was, he said, "whisky and wild women."  I might be going about this all wrong. 

…I was going to end it there on that strong point, but I’ve got some more to say.  What I’d really like to say is that I’ve noticed that the symptoms of my inner security or lack thereof are somewhat different from most people’s, but despite the fact that other people think they are so different from me, I see similarites to me, in them, everywhere.  In fact, I would almost venture to say that I’m not that far away from the pack.  What I think has happened is that I have found a lot of comfort in a very few things, a few outlets, whereas others not only have more outlets, but also more acceptable outlets.  My outlets seem to stand out more than others.  I think if people were to add up the amount of comfort they get from good food and drink, meaningless sex, music, socializing…etc and compare it to what I get from raw food, exercising, and my social/eco projects, I think we’d all be making up for a relatively equal amount of fear/discomfort/insecurity.  It would be neat to, for just a moment, strip everyone of all the things they love and see who is the most comfortable with just themselves.  I don’t know that I would be, by any means, but I’m getting the idea that I would not be alone.   

 You learn from your mistakes; it’s hard to utter the words “I regret” simply because they don’t make that much sense-you wouldn’t have the understanding you have now if you took it all back and did it over, but maybe the ****ing knowledge and understanding doesn’t mean as much as the experience you missed. 

I’m about to turn 27 and if I could go back and do it all over again, I would focus on relationships  and pure life enjoyment about 100x more than I have thus far.  Being dominant physically doesn’t make up for havin great friends, great memories, and a great girl. 

I was sitting around, outside on the table outside my apartment , playin guitar last night in the perfect autumn evening and just wishin this girl, my neighbor, would come out, so I could play for her a bit.  The whole time I was thinking to myself “why didn’t I do this like 10 fukin years ago when we were both kids when it would have been so perfect” 

This lifting ****, it’s all just been a mask for what I really wanted-which was a certain degree of comfort, acceptance, and even love.  I’m on the right path-I’m not going to get off by any means, but if I could do it all over again, I would do it differently, I really would.  Now this is my project and it helps me explore life and give something back to society, but it wasn’t then…and it’s probably still some of the former, if I am to be totally honest.  I’m actually happy that being big is relatively un-cool these days; it helps put things in perspective.      

  Was at the Swedish CrossFit championships yesterday.  Really good time.  In fact, I think I may just take it upon myself to do it next year.  A lot of you know I’m really into HIT, and to be honest, it’s friggin harder than the limited Crossfit stuff that I’ve seen and done, but it doesn’t have the same appeal as CrossFit does.  In addition to that, I’m really having trouble with my social life, and would love to meet some people I can connect with on some level, so I think I may join CrossFit STHLM.  I feel like most people are so put off by the lifestyle that I live that they are kind of crossing me off their list before they really get a chance to know me, and that’s not so fun.  On the other hand, I’m very guilty of that myself, so I’m figuring there’s likely some kind of underlying give and take that has to happen here. 

   In other news…I might have blogged this already, but I filmed last weekend.  Had a pretty tough workout at the military base.  It was my second HIT session in a couple of months and it went alright.  Not a whole lot more than alright, but it went alright.  I started with some lunges and single legged deads which I loaded MUCH too light and ended up winding myself a lot more than I had planned.  That made it really tough to get through the rest of the exercises. 

   This past friday I had my 3rd HIT session of the last few months, this one a killer…I really pushed.  I had 5 buddies around me, egging me on, so I had to bump it up a notch.  Not too sore afterwards though, so that was nice.  Although, I was able to do deadlifts for the first time in a hell of a long time(YES!!!) and my hams are still bitchin at me. 

 The workout looked like this:

     Deads+Lunges+Plate Push+Stiff Arm Pulldown+Chins+Bent Over Laterals+Seated Row+DB Chest Press+Dips+DB Shoulder Press.

 All taken to failure or negative failure.  Just keepin it real, yo.

   My brother and I got in a long discussion the other night.  I told him about some awful news I read in the paper about a forest in the Yukon, 6.5 million acres, totally and completely destroyed by fires and a beetle that had previously not been able to make it through the low temps of the winter, wihch now, due to temperature increase, thrives.  It’s just really unforuntunate.  It’s upsetting to me how many people are still hiding behind their comfort, calling global warming a farce.  This is an exhibition of a high degree of ignorance.  The argument has never been whether or not the the weather is changing or that the average global temp is up a degree and a half or so; the argument has been whether or not people are the cause of it.  The fact that the global average temperature has increased isn’t arguable-it’s observable, measureable and agreed upon.  I can, at least, accept that people want to argue whether or not it’s their fault. 

    Anyway, a big part of the solution is finding as many simple infficiencies as possible that the average man can change.  Scientists, researchers, and engineers are going to have to take care of the tough stuff, making our factories, cars, power plants more environmentally friendly, but the public needs to pick up the slack in the daily grind.  I’ve got to be honest, it’s really not that hard, there are leaks literally everywhere.  Plug’em all and we can make a damn big difference.  The end product is the goal here, but to be honest, it’s pretty damn fun, if you ask me.

    I’ll give you a good example, my hobby: trees.  Trees, by nature, are not a good long term solution, but they do have the ability to buy us some time, which would be real nice, in my opinion.  Much like some baby animals in the wild, something like 9 out of 10 saplings die in the wild simply because they are choked out by others, or they’re not getting enough sun, or enough water, or etc…This is a source of giant potential here.  In one area we have a total surplus of trees, in other more urban areas, we have a total shortage.  If we know that a lot are being wasted when a lot are needed elsewhere, we have the most perfect situation ever to do something good!  Even more perfect is the situation in parks and even reserves where maintenance teams are cutting the grass.  Every year seeds fall, take root, and saplings grow.  Every late spring, early summer, they are cut down.  They are guaranteed to die.  Why not just move them?  All it takes is a little get’up and go!  When tree harvesting, you still have to think about preserving the forest, but you also have to accept the truth, and that is that most of these trees will die where they are and also that there are very many here whereas there are very few there.  This combination makes the solution real friggin simple.  You just have to do what works and forget about the fact that it’s illegal or against the rules of the park, or whatever it is.  Many hardcore environmentalists will be upset, and many law abiding tax payers will as well.  You just forget’em and do what’s right.  I’ve been doing this for a while now and I think it’s great.    

So here’s a pic of Thor and Odin. my two Oak saplings that I took from the miliary base because they cut grass. 

There were many many growing, basically all destined to die for one reason or another.    These leaks are literally everywhere, in every walk of life; you’ve just got to think of them.  We’ve got use what we have in front of us and figure out how to make it better, more efficient.  And, again, sometimes, you’ve just got to think about doing what’s right, and what makes sense versus what is legal.  Sometimes you just don’t give a **** whether what you’re doing is legal or not; you know it’s the right thing to do, so you do it anyway. 

   I’ve been so sore from that crossfit session the other day that I’ve been crushing lb after lb of meat like its nobody’s business.  Just been craving it.  2lbs two days ago and 3lbs yesterday.  My triceps don’t even feel like they are a part of my body, rather some alien lifeform on the backs of my arms squeezing the shiit out of me, causing me pain.  Inglorious Bastards!

   Anywho, this is gonna be a short one.  I’m still hard at work on the project, it being my main motivation for the workouts right now.  That and, of course, the back-which I am happy to report has taken another leap forward due to another exercise I developed for a clear weak link in my body.  Its goin in the book.  As you can see, I’m actually startin to look like somethin here.  On the other hand, my legs are starting to lag again, which I suppose I could have predicted.  I’ve found good biomechanical substitutes for deeps squats, but load is a problem.  I think I might get a weight vest. 

   It was nice, but more than that, it was productive aiiiii.  I’ve kind of unconsciously come to the conclusion that I need to be more open about my various weak spots.  The first being women.  The last couple of times I’ve talked about it, I’ve known that my feelings(not my opinions) weren’t going to be real popular, but I figure my actions will be even less popular if I keep having these…tendencies we’ll call them. 

    I find myself, as I’ve written about before, in the very stereotypical of being the kind of guy who is relatively, if not totally, uninterested in women who are my own age or a few years older, along with women in general that don’t match my definition of what "attractive" is.  So anyway, I might have gotten a few people perturbed last night, but hopefully they’re all my friends and they understand…even if it was the first time hanging out with a few of them.  Nonetheless, I got a lot of out it.  It seems like when you’re open about these things, you learn at a rate that must be 10x the rate learn at when you keep things inside. 

    So already today I started feeling a bit different, allowing myself to be attracted to women whom I knew my body was definitely attracted to-see that’s the thing, it’s not like I find them unattractive, it’s more that when I think about it, I find IT unattractive…the whole situation-’oh crap, be with them, they’re going to start looking old, I’m going to desperately want out…’  Yup, that’s how it goes in my head. 

    The one thing I don’t think I will ‘get over’ though is this idea that I’m not 100% sure there is a whole lot of reason to have to be with the same person forever.  That seems somewhat limiting to me.  I understand that to others, it’s the opposite of limiting, but as of yet it’s not that for me.  I’m not particularly attracted to meaningless sex and relationships, but being with one person forever might be letting the pendulum swing a little to far in the other direction. 

   In other news, I crushed some cross-fit yesterday.  We did some "Cindy," and I came in last place.  To my defense, that was because I was the only one using some semblance of good form, eller hur Matte, Joel?  Eller Eller??!!

    It’s been so long since I blogged blogged that I thought I might as well get on the horse again; I’ve been meaning to anyway.  I’m grubbin on a little din din right now, so I apologize if this takes a while.  I’ve got about .5lb raw beef, some dill, some nuts, and some chopped onion in one of my two favorite bowls and I’m goin at it. 

   The book is on its way to being done here.  I’ve got basically all of the context done, with the exception of a few little parts.  I handed it over to a buddy today to see what he thinks…we’ll see if that turns out to be a good idea or not.  I was a little apprehensive letting my close friends read it given that I might not agree with what they are saying and it could turn out ugly-probably mostly on my end though, I’m the one who is notorious for not being able to take constructive criticism that well.  Honestly, you should just see me, it’s like watching a terrible accident happen.  I’m very insecure in that way-when people tell me I’m wrong about something.  Really wish I wasn’t, and would love be a WHOLE LOT more in control of my responses to people when they have a discussion with me of that sort.  So often it just ends up with me talking 95% of the time, pointing out step by step why they are, in fact, wrong, and not me while they get a word in maybe every 3rd paragraph or so.  It’s embarassing afterwords, I feel like such an idiot donk.  It’s weird how certain things can really press your buttons…but I’d bet my bottom dollar it has a whole lot to do with your past experiences.  That’s it for now, I’ve got some work to do.

l It’s been too long-especially after I specifically said in my last blog how I was going to keep these pics coming on their scheduled days.  I apologize, I’ve got to become more reliable in regards to this.  Anyway, I’m home and got a new little pocket camera now so I don’t have to use my big one, which is nice-I’ve got a monster, Canon Mark III 1ds, for my trips…pics are just a bit too big for this medium.  Anyway, workouts are going very well and I’m putting on quite a bit of size-hope it comes through in the pics.  In addition to that the book writing and editing is a rediculous thorn in my side, but it’s going well.