rawlife’s BodyBlog

   I’m seriously not putting myself in this situation again.  This morning, after 1 night with a migraine that made me want to cry, and 2 more days with a splitting headache, I finally woke up with dramatically less pain.  My tongue has been literally covered in thrush for 3 days and I have a big rash on my leg.  And it’s not because I’ve been slacking by any means, it’s the opposite.    I’ve, as you know, been getting progressively stricter and stricter…more animal like I guess you could say, eating the same exact thing every meal of the day-500grams berries, 500 grams meat.  And as you may well know yourself, the stricter you get, the less tolerant you become.  Then I went off it just slightly-not back to anything crazy just back to what I was doing prior eating the same thing every single meal of everyday-a few things I don’t normally eat daily, and boom!  Felt like I was run over by a truck. 

    On the one hand, it was much easier with a control that had so few variables to deal with, on the other, it doesn’t fit at all into my life or my current ability to maintain happiness.  I think this was the straw that broke the camel’s back.  From here on out, I’m going back to how I began raw: I am going to have planned cheat meals relatively often…maybe 1-4x a month, not just to keep from getting headaches, but to keep me a little more psychologically healthy.  I’ve been feeling this coming for a while now and I can’t stay this seperated from the rest of society.  I’ve got to integrate more and I think I can actually connect with way more people than I do if I just give in a little.  So that’s what I’m going to do.  100% raw when I’m on my own, then whatever on the few occassions when I go out.  Things seem to be coming full circle.

   My head is killing me.  I know it was the ground beef yesterday.  I either need to chew it better or need to do it much less often than I do it now.  I was full all day long yesterday but kept eating nonetheless.  I was still full this morning when I woke up after a poor night’s sleep. My blood sugar is high, I can feel it.  I actually did the opposite of what I might normally do to see if I could work this out.  I ate just a few pieces of fruit here and there-1. Because of the fiber; I thought it might help get some things moving, and 2. Because of the insulin response.  I figured a bit of sugar wouldn’t do too much worse but it would get some more insulin pumping through my veins which might have a greater effect on getting sugar out of the bloodstream.  That actually worked pretty well to be honest with you.  For a while there, I was feeling relatively normal, assuming I didn’t shake my head around(am I the only one that uses that as a test to see whether or not I have a headache or to see how bad it is?).

Anyway, I grubbed a bit on some normal food tonight, hopefully it won’t kill me.  I’m a bit worried though that I’ll wake up in the middle of the night with a migraine.  For whatever reason they don’t hit me until the middle of the night.  Then they make me cry.

I’ve been thinking a lot today about everything I’ve been writing about as of late.  I think I may ease up just a bit on the strictness on the lifestyle to get a bit more joy out of it.  I have to figure out a good way to go about it though.  Nothing physical, or very little, seems to match up the feeling of connection with someone; and if my lifestyle keeps me from connecting with so many people, then I’ve got to make a change-either in how I present it or in how I am actually living it.  I’m sure the answer is both.  The truth is, I miss dinners with people and the comradery that comes along with sharing food with people.  I think that’s a pretty good sign that I need to let up a little bit.  To be honest, I’m only going to give if it actually works though, if the result is positive.  If having a bit more fun makes me a healthier person, then onward ho!  If not, then…you know. 

In other news, I was asked if I’d be interested in doing a dating snippet on tv-they’re doing a little thing with single PTs.  I told them I’m interested; they haven’t even seen yet(they just left a message at the gym), so we’ll see if anything comes of it.  That would be interesting.

Also still grubbin like it’s nobody’s business.  About 3.25lbs of raw beef today along with some quinoa and of course a good amount of fruit-been doing berries lately…about 3.25lbs of berries a day.  I buy them frozen because those are the only organic ones available.  I’ve got to tell you though, I don’t mind.  Let’em melt just a bit until they’re somewhat soft but still a little icey and they are great!  Anyway, I don’t remember if I wrote about it before but ground beef just doesn’t seem to sit with me all that well if it’s all I eat day in and day out.  Normally I can eat like that without a problem, but ground beef is a little problematic. I’ve been feeling like it’s just been sitting in my stomach all day.  My most recent thought is that it’s so soft that I don’t chew it well(which is true) and it takes a while longer to digest than normal meat would, which I basically never have a problem with. 

   Workout…workout was fast paced today: Inchworm+Kettlebell(nearest weight handy) Front Squat+Psoas Situp(my own invention).  3x around, no break inbetween exercises but a few minutes after each round.  Then I went into 3 sets of trunk rotations; GREAT for my back.  And last, 2 sets of hip abduction.  Done and done.  Hope all is well. 

  Puttin down 2.5-3.25lbs of raw meat a day here. I’ve more or less come to the decision that if I’m ever going to the things I want out of life(primarily relationships), I’ve really got to get to the top of my game here…I think things will be easier if people already know what they are getting into before they meet me.  I’ve been avoiding it for a while due to my distaste with bodybuilding and a lot of what goes along with it, but as you may or may not know, I’ve since broadened my horizons a bit and gotten much more interested in developing athleticism and strength vs big muscles, which doesn’t appeal to me all that much anymore.  It feels like what I really needed was a shift or a progression rather than something entirely new.  That’s usually how it is, I guess.  I never really saw myself leaving training altogether, but things were definitely shaky there for a while.  I think one of the developments I will definitely experience in the future is the ability to let it go completely when the time is not right-if I’m out on an adventure for example.  If I make it down to Antarctica or go back to Svalbard, I’m not going to be worried about getting the calories or eating raw or bla bla bla…a little more go with the flow.

  Anyway, here’s one of the two ‘control’ workouts I am going right now, 2x weekly.  I work to improve it every other week. 

    High Step+Deadlift+Chins+Seated Row+DB shoulder press or chest Press….2x around, no rest inbetween sets. 

…Feeling pretty good about it, to be honest.  I feel like I’ve got a lot figured out about myself thus far.  Ha! I feel like I got a lot of that lot figured out in just the last few days.  Been thinkin more than usual lately.  Not quite the same volume as was thought in the 2005-7 era, but quite a lot of thinking nonetheless.  On the one hand, I really can’t keep going as I’m going.  I’ve got to lighten up and not be quite so anal about the physical ‘leaks’ in society and human behavior.  On the other hand, I can’t deny my own mind and ability for happening upon them and doing something about it.  

   I keep thinking about what defines a person’s intelligence, and I think I may have been somewhat wrong up until now.  A person’s intelligence, in addition to having to do with mental acuity in regards to subjects one can observe, count, measure…etc, is invariably and much more heavily and intricately entwined with a person’s ability to recognize and be able do what works to get him/her the comfort/happiness he/she desires.  The truth of the matter is, a focus, especially and extreme focus, on the physical doesn’t have the potential to deliver happiness on the great scale…and if that is the goal, then a person desperately searching for happiness via that/those channels isn’t a real smart one.  (I’ve written a lot about this in the book, I’m trying not to actually say a whole lot that I do in there….I only have so many good points, you know). 

The person that is ‘dumber’ often ends up on top of the person that is ’smarter’…and I’ve kind of come to the conclusion that it is because they are not dumber at all, they are smarter in regards to the things that actually have the potential to deliver them happiness, which probably makes them smarter overall, in my book.  Instead of focusing on being a hotshot, getting to the top of his game, he’s focusing on being a good person that can often connect well with other people and promote a sense of well being and happiness so people can continue to improve and be happy.  In other words, he’s working on the foundation from which all other things come up, whereas the ’smarter’ person is often trying to improve society by promoting an ideal which is a result of the foundation-a symptom….he’s telling people to eat better, live more eco friendly, and he’s telling them exactly why….but he’s not promoting the things that actually help people come to those conclusions themselves: the comfort, the love, the joy in it all….That’s actually not smart.  That makes him the ‘dumb guy,’ because the original dumb guy was at least smart enough to see that human behavior isn’t driven by logic, rather comfort/love/happiness-or the avoidance of their counterparts.

    It’s not like this **** is new to me, to be honest, but it definitely hasn’t sunk in yet.  A big problem I consistently face is: how can I be the things that appeal to my spirit while achieving the ideals that appeal to my mind?

ps.  If you are a cute and nice girl and want to get into contact with me, please do.

   Someone signed my guestbook and that reminded me that I need to keep this thing going.  Actually, I think about it pretty often so it’s not really a chore by any means, and this one is going to be therapeautic.  I went out with my neighbor last night.  I’m telling you, every single day I believe more and more in this law of attraction thing.  We’re more similar than I could have imagined, even some very similar experiences.  It’s real unfortunate that they just don’t seem to jive all that well. 

It’s probably a pretty predictable predicament for me to be in, but it’s not that often I meet people I really connect with.  It’s hard for people to see past the lifestyle.  I left the bodybuilding lifestlye many years back and adopted the health for all lifestyle in its stead….the bbing lifestyle was hard enough.  Introducing myself to people is always kind of interesting; unforunately, I’ve developed anxiety over it.  I just wait for the uncomfortable so early in the conversation where our path go their seperate ways.  The fact of the matter is, I find myself very far from where I started and almost obscenely far from the majority of the people out there-not necessarily farther forward, just far.  I asked one of my former girlfriends what I should do about this problem and she said I should really try and kind of slowly let myself seep out rather than being open from the very beginning, which has always been a little more my taste…or maybe my way of avoiding future let down.  Letting myself ’seep’ out always feels like I should be ashamed of who I am, and I, of course, don’t like that. 

Anyway, I really did my best with this girl, but once it came out that I eat only raw organic food, I never drink, I pick up trash as I walk and try to live an environmentally conscious lifestyle, and dig up trees from parks and plant them elsewhere, and don’t like or often respect laws in general, all amongst ten million other stories of very unusual experiences I’ve had that few people share with me(some of which I’ve written about in this blog)….it’s just all too much.  And what’s really too much is that I’m just too damn arrogant about it.  I don’t come right out and tell people what to do, but I make it real clear that I think people don’t know what the hell they’re talking about or doing and that I do…that I always do.  I have to stop that if I’m going to get anywhere with people-I’m not going to get anywhere with my goddamn self.  People that think they know everything are amongst the least smart of them all.   

I told her a lot about my upbringing.  The fact is, I’ve always been somewhat isolated in one way or another-whether by family situation or physical problem(I had some physical issues as a kid that forced me to learn how to stand on my own two feet a little more than most I think).  This probably just sounded like some sob story, but I hope that people can see the truth in it…these things have molded me into the person I am today, and the person I am today seems to be very different from most other people so I try to explain it.  The person I am today is someone that has a very hard time doing something just to go with the flow.  I find myself almost always trying to find the ‘most right’ answer…or best way regardless of whether or not it is acceptable to society. 

But maybe the best way is also a way that includes the understanding of other people and acknowledges that being social and giving and receiving compassion and love and happiness to other people is also part of ‘what makes sense.’  I know that’s true.  I know that it is, but it’s not really coming out yet in my actions.  I still find myself feeling like an idiot when I do things that I know don’t make physical sense…but again, I find myself thinking, maybe they do make physical sense.  Maybe fun and socializing and etc actually has a greater positive health benefit to your body than the avoidance of whatever you were going to do and the ‘healthy’ thing you would have done in its place.  To be completely honest, the longest lived individuals are not the raw foodists, not the vegans or vegetarians, not the low carbers…they’re the ones that enjoy the hell out of life.  I just read an interview with some 110 year old guy and when they asked him what his secret was, he said, "whisky and wild women."  I might be going about this all wrong. 

…I was going to end it there on that strong point, but I’ve got some more to say.  What I’d really like to say is that I’ve noticed that the symptoms of my inner security or lack thereof are somewhat different from most people’s, but despite the fact that other people think they are so different from me, I see similarites to me, in them, everywhere.  In fact, I would almost venture to say that I’m not that far away from the pack.  What I think has happened is that I have found a lot of comfort in a very few things, a few outlets, whereas others not only have more outlets, but also more acceptable outlets.  My outlets seem to stand out more than others.  I think if people were to add up the amount of comfort they get from good food and drink, meaningless sex, music, socializing…etc and compare it to what I get from raw food, exercising, and my social/eco projects, I think we’d all be making up for a relatively equal amount of fear/discomfort/insecurity.  It would be neat to, for just a moment, strip everyone of all the things they love and see who is the most comfortable with just themselves.  I don’t know that I would be, by any means, but I’m getting the idea that I would not be alone.   

 You learn from your mistakes; it’s hard to utter the words “I regret” simply because they don’t make that much sense-you wouldn’t have the understanding you have now if you took it all back and did it over, but maybe the ****ing knowledge and understanding doesn’t mean as much as the experience you missed. 

I’m about to turn 27 and if I could go back and do it all over again, I would focus on relationships  and pure life enjoyment about 100x more than I have thus far.  Being dominant physically doesn’t make up for havin great friends, great memories, and a great girl. 

I was sitting around, outside on the table outside my apartment , playin guitar last night in the perfect autumn evening and just wishin this girl, my neighbor, would come out, so I could play for her a bit.  The whole time I was thinking to myself “why didn’t I do this like 10 fukin years ago when we were both kids when it would have been so perfect” 

This lifting ****, it’s all just been a mask for what I really wanted-which was a certain degree of comfort, acceptance, and even love.  I’m on the right path-I’m not going to get off by any means, but if I could do it all over again, I would do it differently, I really would.  Now this is my project and it helps me explore life and give something back to society, but it wasn’t then…and it’s probably still some of the former, if I am to be totally honest.  I’m actually happy that being big is relatively un-cool these days; it helps put things in perspective.      

  Was at the Swedish CrossFit championships yesterday.  Really good time.  In fact, I think I may just take it upon myself to do it next year.  A lot of you know I’m really into HIT, and to be honest, it’s friggin harder than the limited Crossfit stuff that I’ve seen and done, but it doesn’t have the same appeal as CrossFit does.  In addition to that, I’m really having trouble with my social life, and would love to meet some people I can connect with on some level, so I think I may join CrossFit STHLM.  I feel like most people are so put off by the lifestyle that I live that they are kind of crossing me off their list before they really get a chance to know me, and that’s not so fun.  On the other hand, I’m very guilty of that myself, so I’m figuring there’s likely some kind of underlying give and take that has to happen here. 

   In other news…I might have blogged this already, but I filmed last weekend.  Had a pretty tough workout at the military base.  It was my second HIT session in a couple of months and it went alright.  Not a whole lot more than alright, but it went alright.  I started with some lunges and single legged deads which I loaded MUCH too light and ended up winding myself a lot more than I had planned.  That made it really tough to get through the rest of the exercises. 

   This past friday I had my 3rd HIT session of the last few months, this one a killer…I really pushed.  I had 5 buddies around me, egging me on, so I had to bump it up a notch.  Not too sore afterwards though, so that was nice.  Although, I was able to do deadlifts for the first time in a hell of a long time(YES!!!) and my hams are still bitchin at me. 

 The workout looked like this:

     Deads+Lunges+Plate Push+Stiff Arm Pulldown+Chins+Bent Over Laterals+Seated Row+DB Chest Press+Dips+DB Shoulder Press.

 All taken to failure or negative failure.  Just keepin it real, yo.