New Year’s Evolutions…
That was going to be the name of this blog when I decided to write it 3 months ago. Unfortunately, it never happened. As I said in the last one, a whole lot of stuff has been going on-moved, went on vacation, haven’t had internet…etc. Anyway, I’m back now with…not a lot of updates, but, of course, a better understanding of myself than I had before and for me, that’s the biggest update.
I just got done talking to someone that thought I talked a lot…I guess I do. I have a lot to say and if it wasn’t for this blog, it would just be a million different thoughts jammed up inside my brain, not really filed correctly and as a result not understood as they should be. The problem now is that I have so many thoughts in my head that I’m going to have a hard time getting them all down on paper and I’ve been nervous about having to do so all weekend, thinking that this blog is going to let people down.-the mere fact that I made that comment is part of my forthcoming new year’s resolution.
I came to a couple of conclusions at the turn of the year there. First, I wasn’t and am still not enjoying life and other people nearly as much as I should be-as I did before I went raw. I attribute much of that to the fact that the moment my eyes were opened to what I see as the truth, I found a great chasm between me and the rest of society. Food was the pathway, but it opened the door to a new understanding of life in general and especially disease. I realized that people were the cause of their own disease and that ‘germs’ are simply the last thing that touches them before they kick the bucket-like bullets fired from a gun. When this understanding began to flourish in me, I felt as though my peers were doing everything ‘wrong’ and ruining the earth, making life very difficult for everyone else. Despite the fact there may be some truth to this, my feelings were much too strong and too focused on one aspect of life for them to represent what anyone would call a good understanding of life.
Of course, after many years I’ve since come to a different understanding and have realized that the physical things people do are a representation of their understanding of life combined with their comfort level-people are going to do what makes them feel good and what makes them feel good is a representation of their past experiences and their understanding of them. I also realized that the physical things that we do are important but still not as important as the love we share with one another. It’s the love that nourishes each one of us, supports us, and allows each one of us to come to a better understanding of life and thus better physical choices-such as diet, lifestyle…etc. The love is what get’s us vibrating, get’s us ready to recieve ever higher and higher understandings-without that, it’s almost totally useless to try to teach.
Anyway, I realized that despite the fact that I had logically come to that good conclusion and have been acting thus on the outside, my feelings on the inside were not really lined up with my actions-meaning I don’t/didn’t really feel the conclusion that people are going to be as their understanding and their comfort allows them and that I should just be loving towards them. When I see/saw people doing something that is not environmentally friendly for example, my initial reaction is/was a feeling that were I forced to put it in words I would have to describe it as something like ‘well that was lazy and worthless.’ –and that, of course, is not a loving feeling. And I became less and less apt to be loving on the outside because my understanding was still slightly less than optimal-I didn’t have enough experiences. I didn’t actually feel any reason to be loving, I just logically understood that I should be loving…that it was the path that made the most sense. I’m afraid that wasn’t a life I could live for much longer; so my first new year’s resolution in a looooong time was: To be on the outside as I am on the inside-and in this way, I will get my feelings in line with my logical understanding-assuming my logical understanding represents the truth.
Well it didn’t take long before that worked. I decided to be on the outside how I was on the inside. Cold, blunt, and abrupt most of the time and very loving and sweet at other times. I’ve since realized something that I kind of half knew for a long time now and that is that abstaining from a behavior to stop behaving in that particular manner is often a particularly bad idea.
We learn our way out of behaviors via experiences and our assessments of those experiences. Often it takes a really long time to learn our way out of one thing and into something else, but that is usually because we are not consciously focused on the one thing, rather we learn our way out of it very subtley via physical responses-ie: doing something until it makes us feel so physically bad that we can’t continue. The reason it takes so long is because often the act isn’t ‘bad’ enough to evoke a blatant physical response-eating food that clogs your arteries for instance…most people don’t even notice it until the problem is a huge one. The problem is that they are not consciously focused on the issue and rather learn via natural physical progression of constantly seeking out the things that feel physically good.
Anyway, I’m afraid it hasn’t taken me that long to get a better grip on my understanding here. That’s probably because I was half way there to begin with though. I allowed myself to just be the way I felt like being, kind of harsh most of the time, acting as if people were idiots most of the time. It felt good to allow myself that, but pretty much immediately bad when I saw the results-which, the vast majority of the time, were very subtle, but since I was focused on the problem, I was able to note them. People didn’t respond well was all and sometimes I noticed that they got a little put off or slightly sad-maybe so slightly that they didn’t even notice, but enough for me to tell that they were vibrating just a little slower…that they were dampened a bit.
So the plan was working pretty well, but as is usually the case, I got kind of comfortable being that way and kind of stopped paying attention to the results. Isn’t that so often the case? But then I made an old lady cry. I honestly barely know what I did, but she came in my office two days later and told me that I had had been very un-pleasant to her and that she had been upset all weekend long and then she got a bit teary eyed. Funny thing was, I didn’t say a word to her. It was just in the way I was to her when she asked me to move my things so she could use the piece of equipment they were laying on. Apparently I very brusquely and brashly moved them off and looked annoyed. Anyway, this really bothered me and I felt terrible that she was sad all weekend long on account of me.
Now, I acknowledge that there has to be something more behind those feelings of hers; obviously she was real uncomfortable to begin with to be that sensitive, but that’s the reality of life-there are people of all comfort levels out there and we need to accept that. We done have to cater to them if we don’t want to, but then we should be prepared to deal with it if they are upset and we are a part of the equation(although I wouldn’t say the cause). I am apparently not prepared because I felt awful about it. I apologized many times and found her a couple days later and apologized again because I didn’t feel as though my first apologies were sincere enough.
So that was…not the end of that little experiment, but a high point in it. I don’t know if I’ll have any more like that, but now I have more input, more information and my feelings on the inside are reflecting that input and understanding that came along with it.
Another thing I’ve realized is that people can only suck up so much information at one time, so I’m going to finish this blog tomorrow or the next day or the day after that with some more new year’s evolutions, of which there are several. Have a great night.
