The Wrap Up
It has been a very spiritually productive Saturday morning. Everything, as it has been for the last few weeks, came together for me this morning. I woke up, took a walk, and cranked out a whole lot of conclusions. The motivation started this past week with a series of events that left me kind of low in energy-the most intense of which was a prolonged focus on things that are more superficial than I actually am(I’ll explain that later). That then resulted in a feeling I’ve grown very familiar with over the past year: an uncomfortably strong sense of obligation to get the lowest in society up and on their feet-this feeling came in the form that it usually does: helping the alcoholics on the street along with a few others like kids in Africa for example. If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you know that this has been a reoccurring theme in my life for the last year(read ‘the lesson’ and ‘the gift’). It’s a very uncomfortable theme for obvious reasons: it brings you face to face with a lot of negative energy(confronting the alcoholics) and in my case it makes me feel as though I’m being forced to do something that I’m not actually drawn towards doing on a full time basis.
So, my neighbors painted their apartment and lacquered their floors this past week-they were actually wearing big black masks while they were doing so(not just the little white ones that go over your nose and mouth) and of course they didn’t live there while they did this. I, of course, don’t have a big black mask and I do, of course, live here; and I don’t know what it is with my building but the chemicals from the lacquer seeped into my apartment and stunk it up to high hell-it actually stung my eyes and blurred my vision after several hours in the apt. This made me borderline real angry. I had to crash at a friends house for two nights where I didn’t sleep all that well(not because of your place Robster, but because it’s not my own place). The strong anger towards my neighbor, the lack of sleep for several nights, and then the subsequent subdued mood at work left me a bit lower than I normally am or should be, we’ll say-it kept me from giving a whole lot in my daily life.
In response to my low energy(my discomfort), I started thinking of business ideas which, in my mind, translates to me getting out of this whole situation and into a newer, more comfortable one where I won’t have to deal with the daily grind. I was thinking of new business ideas all day long and getting myself worked up into a kind of fervor about how many great trips I would be able to take and how much cool stuff I would be able to get for my apartment and how many great stories I would be able to tell to the millions of people that would love me for them-haha. So there’s the prolonged focus on things that are more superficial than I actually am. This left me kind of physically high but spiritually low-not really buzzing with real energy that comes from deep within…anything heavier/lower than you really are is going to have this response I believe.
Later, basically right after that bout of superficiality, I started reliving that very uncomfortable obligation to go out and save the world one alcoholic at a time, and then one hungry child at a time-also a feeling that doesn’t really describe the whole me; as far as I can tell, I’m not that far yet, it’s above me. I fought the feeling, as I have been doing the past couple months, and instead went and talked with a buddy at the gym while waiting for my massage.
It was during my massage, as I was just laying there, that the obligation hit a new high-I think it was my physical situation that made it come on so strongly-being stuck on the table, looking straight down, not having a bunch of other stimuli around; in other words: alone with my thoughts. Again, very uncomfortable, it’s a trapped kind of feeling; kind of like ‘I have to do this, it doesn’t matter if I don’t like it, it has to be done.’ An extreme feeling that gets you hot and makes you break out into a sweat-at least it does me. I should know by now to be wary of extreme feelings, and I was, but the truth didn’t sink in until I said a little prayer for myself-Give me some comfort.
My request was granted the moment I asked for it and then information started trickling in. Today, it flooded in. Here is conclusion number 1:
-We’re all vibrating at a certain frequency on a kind of ‘love/bliss/enlightenment/nirvana spectrum’-that is actually what we are, that level of love/bliss/enlightenment/nirvana. When we reflect on the outside what we are or want to be on the inside, ie: the amount of love/bliss/enlightenment that we are, then our actions will all be relatively normal and acceptable to us as, assuming we are like most everyone else out there and not on the extremes of soul development. If we are extremely developed or a total newbie, our actions will be seen as less than normal. One thing is for sure though, it’s the actions that are on the same level as the soul that we really are or the soul we want to be that we are most comfortable with, the ones that feel most right to us-meaning, the actions that most closely reflect the amount of love/bliss/enlightenment that we are or want to be as souls(inside) are the ones that we as people(outside) feel most comfortable with. The problem is when we do things that represent an energy level less than the one we’re actually at. When we are less on the outside than what we are or want to be on the inside, when we act in a way that doesn’t represent our true selves or goals up to this point, we find ourselves having to play catch up because of the negativity we have become.
So anyway, I hadn’t slept well all week long which caused me to be more negative than I usually am, then I went on my superficial binge all day long yesterday which had a similar effect-by this time, I was kind of physically/bodily high but low as a soul. I felt like I had to play catch up. This idea led me to conclusion number 2:
-We strive to get back to where we should be-magnetically, physically, spiritually, we are strongly attracted that which will get us there, we strongly desire that which will get us there. We are attracted to the things that we need and the things that need us are attracted to us. Anyway, I had to play catch up and the easiest fastest way for me to get back to me was by representing/becoming a higher level of love than I really am, or becoming a higher energetic level than I can sustain. After a week of being something that was lower than I normally am, I had to do something higher than I normally am to get back to feeling like I’m in the green again. Ultimately, I think it works to just start being who you really are, but it takes longer because you have built up some heavy negativity/some dark energy that brings you and the people around you down. I mentioned that in my other blogs, that I felt like the things I was doing for the alcoholics were more for me than they were for them. They were helping me get back to where/what I should be spiritually after living a rather angry life. This led me to conclusion number 3(which I had already come to but this was a better understanding):
-Comfort is a strong driving force in our lives. The desire for comfort is what pulls us away from discomfort; it’s the fuel for evolution. Curiosity and excitement and quite a few other things are other driving forces but they all seem to be a part of comfort, so I don’t know if they actually count. Anyway, the extent to which a person evolves is directly related to the amount of discomfort in their lives or how much comfort they seek in their lives(these two aren’t the same but they are real close). It’s also based on support/love but they play a different role-without the support, the love, the nourishing comfort, the discomfort(any discomfort) would be too much. The discomfort in one area of life makes us search for a way into comfort; the comfort in other areas of life(our friends, family, work, could be anything)is that which allows us to deal with the discomfort in the other, get a break from it and understand it.
I then came to the mini conclusion that everyone can’t be entirely uncomfortable all the time-we wouldn’t evolve, reality would be too heavy, too overbearing. So my next mini conclusion is that we all play different roles in each other’s lives so as the evolution of a soul can be attained most efficiently. My last mini conclusion is that those roles are always changing.
We all search but at different intensities dependant on how uncomfortable we are or how much we desire comfort(not quite sure if those two are the same thing). We are all searching(because we desire comfort) but we are also all acting as comforters to others-we are part of the support group as well as being the seekers. It’s very important that the stimulus(the discomfort) is broken up, it can’t be overbearing for too long.
Some people are very comfortable in life and play primarily the support/comforter role, some people play that role as part of their search for comfort. Some people are desperately desiring comfort and do not play the comforter role as much as others, rather they are focused on their own evolution. The amount to which we play these roles is always changing, and it’s changing in direct relation to how close we come to understanding that which we set out to do before birth; or that which is making us uncomfortable/curious.
With that in mind, I applied it to my life and the people whom I believe are my soul mates and I saw the roles we’ve played for each other thus far. I then tempered that information with what I knew was happening in all of our lives and how we have lived our lives up until this point and that then led me to be able to make predictions about what’s going to happen with us and to us in the future. Not psychic like predictions but predictions about when our roles are going to change and who will be doing what and roughly when they will be doing it. As I’ve said before, I feel like my major evolution is coming to a halt here, at least my major search for answers. I can actually feel everything coming together now. The future seems to be my time to live the life that I’ve been figuring out for the past 26 years. The discomfort I’ve felt my whole life is fading dramatically, so much so that it seems like it’s going to be basically gone soon. I also see this in one other person I feel very spiritually connected to.
All of these things led me to understand other things. I understand now why things didn’t work out with a certain someone that I thought it should have worked out with: because the level of comfort required by that certain someone was more than I was comfortable catering to and me being required to cater to it left me very drained(which, in my body appears angry). That someone will be attracted to other people who can cater to her level of required comfort, which will likely be someone who is closer to her energy level. So it works out for everyone involved!
It also helped me understand why I don’t have to be constantly anxious about talking to the alcoholics anymore: because I am not a master, I’m not what most of them need which is a more love than I am. What I represent is a good understanding of certain subject matters, one of them being why we do what we do and what we have to do to not do it anymore. It’s people like the alcoholic pilot I found on the street that day(in ‘the gift’) that need me. It wasn’t just the love I was able to show him(which was hard for me) it was the understanding that I was able to give him and the way that I was able to give it to him-he really cherished that and actually interpreted it as love, but really it was just what he needed-I gave him what he really needed and it felt very good to him so he interpreted it as me giving him love-I guess that is what it was but it wasn’t intense love like that a master would reflect.
I also understand how it is that people can see the answer, that is seemingly exactly what they need. right in front of them and totally ignore it: because it’s only the answer that they need when they are uncomfortable enough to need it or when they are curious enough to want to explore it. I think most of us have been in situations where we inform someone about their discomfort and what to do about it and they subsequently embrace us warmly and accept what we are telling them and wholly ignore it until they are uncomfortable or curious enough to think back to it.
I came to a few conclusions about training as well, but this blog is already very long so I’m going to cover those in the next one. Have a wonderful day folks.
December 26, 2008 at 2:29 pm
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