rawlife’s BodyBlog

   Thing’s are going well on my end.  Have had quite a few great workouts in a row, have slept enough or close to every night for the last week, been eating real well, been spending time in the sun and in the fresh air of the forests every single day…I’m living the life! 

   I’ve come to the conclusion that this idea I have been brooding on and about for the last I don’t know how many years, that I need to always get to the rock bottom of what’s wrong to get to what’s right is a kind of faulty one.  In fact, it’s one that was probably born out of my own desire to always live a comfy life-never really doing anything to change, rather just waiting for it to magically happen as I allowed myself to compound negatively reinforcing behaviors on top of negatively reinforcing behaviors.  This whole time I’ve totally ignored the fact that doing what’s wrong still only helps you understand what not to do.  It’s the accumulation of doing the right things that leads to significant change, along with maybe a few negative reinforcements(for reminder). 

    As I said in my last post, for several years I have been battling this idea that you really can’t eat and live the way I do and still have a social life.  I was battling that even before I went raw-because I didn’t drink.  It’s terrible question to have to ask yourself-’do I want to be healthy or do I want to enjoy my life?’  Not only is it terrible, it’s a bit ignorant-in the end, you cannot enjoy your life if you are not living a healthy life. 

    The problem is one that boils down to conditioning.  I, and many others, have been conditioned to believe and actually physically feel un-social when not partaking in the consumption of something-which usually happens to be something I don’t want in me.  I’ve always had a hard time, and still do, at parties where I don’t eat or where I don’t drink.  This idea is something that has been irking me forever, something I can’t seem to shake: a person’s confidence, a person’s feeling of self worth, a person’s comfort should not be based on whether or not they are partaking in that which the rest of the crowd is partaking in.  In other words, a person’s confidence should be based on qualities and things that go with them at all times rather than things that they have to do or consume. 

     I’ve been talking about this for years, but I’ve actually put my foot down to an extent now.  I still always want to be an open person, so the door will never slam shut, but it feels good to just turn my back on crap living and tell people that they can do as they wish but I will not partake even more than I wasn’t partaking in it before.  Even better, a certain sense of confidence-or really just a continuation of the confidence I always have-seems to get instilled in me when I realize that this is a concious decision and I am proud of it and like where it leads.  With every passing day of simply making good decisions like eating the way I like eating(raw and organic), taking time to get outside in the sun and fresh air, and going to bed early so I get enough sleep; my head get’s clearer, I become a less angry person, an even less confused person, and my energy levels rise enough to give me insight into new things that I hadn’t thought of before.  It’s really an awesome experience. 

    This whole time I’ve been trying to beat myself into the strict adherance of this lifestyle by giving myself all kinds of F’ups in hopes that they will negatively reinforce me enough to never eat junk food again and the answer was right in front of me: just make the decision and start living it-you might have F’ups, but get back on track, live it and before long the F’ups will be a thing of the past. 

   Now, the ego in me wants to remind my readers that over the years I have still been something like 98% raw with somewhat regular social cheats, but those last 2% really make a difference to me.  Not just in wanting to always be 100%, but there’s a real, profound physical difference between 100% and 98.  There really is.  98 never seems to let me get to really great feeling.  100 puts me there almost instantly but with the social dilemma.  And as I said, I am now leaving it up to my peers to comform to me rather than the other way around in regards to this.  I’m pulling a kind of John Galt on them.  Nobody has to adopt my lifestyle, but if people are going to be around me then they should get real comfortable with their own lifestyle’s because mine isn’t going to be changing for the worse anytime soon just to suit a group of partygoers.  

    I remember a conversation I had with my ex girlfriend several years back about me being so extreme and her not being able to connect to that, and I told her that I would probably just get more extreme, that my lifestyle would probably be even more outlandish in a couple of years.  Maybe it is, but I don’t think it’s negative by any means.  In fact, I think it’s really cool and I love living it.  I eat raw, I grow trees, I pick up a lot of trash, I make my own probiotics, I’m enthralled by the spirit world, I actually believe in elves(so does almost all of Iceland, just ask them), and I bodybuild but I prefer not to shave my body…all this stuff is very hard for a lot of people to swallow, but at some point you just have to say ‘hey, this is me and this is what I’ve come to understand is best for me so it’s up to you to accept it and even learn to like it if you’re going to be around me.  Like it because it’s what’s best for me and what’s best for me is what’s best for you.’  Done.

   So, I was on my way home yesterday for a four hour break in the middle of my work day.  It’s not that often one of those comes along.  I was tired from not sleeping the best the night before and really looking forward to just chilling and surfing some internet at home.  Funny, one of the things I’ve been telling myself for weeks now is that I am so sick of sitting at home surfing the internet and I even feel like the computer is making me sick to an extent.  Anyway, I’m in the elevator and I reach into my pocket to, once again, NOT find my house key.  Literally the ten millionth time I’ve been locked out of my house.  This has been happening since I was a little boy-I’m talking constantly.  It’s like I am genetically wired to lose my friggin keys.  But alas, after a brief moment of intense anger(as is usually the case with me when basically anything perceivably negative happens in my life), I realized that this is just another situation.  Neither good nor bad.  Make it what you want it to be.  That, to me, felt much better than being intensely angry-I’m getting real tired of that emotion.  So I thought to myself, ‘you know, just yesterday you blogged about how you are going to try to spend some time outdoors and in the sun everyday.  Now’s your chance-life’s just nudging you a bit.’

   So I’m walkin down the street and probably not more than 20 meters from my apartment building I run across a big beach blanket folded and sitting nicely on some meter device on the sidewalk.  Not even thinking twice, I grab it up and keep walking.  That’s very unusual for me.  Afterwards, I of course, worried that I was stealing someone’s blanket but I reasoned it away given the flow of events.  Funny thing though, I automatically assumed the blanket was for me to give to this homeless guy I have been watching for the last two days in the park 5 minutes from my house.  He has been spending his nights there on a bench or under a tree if it rains.  He actually looks pretty well equipped but when I saw him the other night, I thought that he could definitely use one more blanket.  And, of course, lo and behold, there was one more blanket.  It wasn’t until I went to the park and couldn’t find that homeless guy that it dawned on me’…Oh…this is for me.’   Haha, so I turned around after a little more searching and went to this old folk’s home, outside of which I like to lay and sunbathe. 

    It wasn’t the greatest day in the whole wide world for sunbathing, but it did the trick.  I rolled out the blanket and basked for a while.  The sun gave me some of her energy, as is evidenced by the tan, and I felt better afterwards.   I did the same today, although with a buddy-went on a walk through the forest and chilled in the sun for a while, while we talked life.  I noticed something the other day though.  Something that I couldn’t quite ever grasp before.  I realized that I always do like ten things at once.  If I’m doing one thing, I’m thinking about another as well.  Right now, in fact, I have two windows open as I write this.  Usually, I have like five.  It dawned on me that it might be smarter to just be in the moment.  Do this now, or in other words, be here now.  I could never grasp that phrase before-be here now-it always seemed too far out for me.  But I think I get it now.  I think it’s a lot more logical and practical than I might have thought before.  It might just mean ‘do this now, so you can do that then; that way you can do them both well.’  It’s something I’ve been telling people forever-work on you now so you can actually help people properly in the future.  Strange to think I hadn’t really understood it before.  It seems to me that I might not be in such a rush as I have always felt that I’m in.  Death could come knocking tomorrow, but it probably won’t.  I don’t necessarily have to take care of everything now-espcially given the fact that I’m able to!  If we concentrate on doing one thing, even though it may not immediately provide us or anyone else a measurably great service, maybe we can provide ourselves and everyone else a much greater service in the future, given that we won’t have this old thing nagging us and taking up our thoughts.  What do you think about that internet world!?

   In other news, my triceps are destroyed from my workout the other day.  Same with my glutes.  I started doing 45 degree leg presses again for the first time in forever, basically just because I can’t squat with the back issue.  You know what a pain in the arse those are!  Literally.  Quads and hams barely even feel it.  Lookin forward to a new day tomorrow.  Take it easy.

                Love, Paul

ps. I put the blanket back where I found it when I was done with it. 

   As is usually the case…things haven’t gone as planned.  Now, I consider that a good thing for the most part.  My whole idea of balancing a kind of healthfully lax social life with a very clean daily life hasn’t really panned out.  My original thought, right after I started raw, was that the people around me should accept me and my lifestyle as such and be able to enjoy themselves regardless of what I am doing.  I later, after seeing what a big failure that was, adopted the ‘well, maybe I’ll just join’em’-if you can’t beat, join’em kind a thing.  You see, much like being the only sober guy at the party, being the only person at the party not eating junk food makes other people uncomfortable.  Arguably worse, if I decided to actually be myself and eat the food that I want to eat; I then usually find myself surrounded by onlookers and explaining my whole nutrition and life philosophy and telling the same stories that I have already told 1000x pretty much all night long-this happens almost without fail-go ahead and try it, start eating raw chicken in front of a bunch of people eating normal food at a party.  

     Unfortunately, the ‘if you can’t beat’em, join’em’ philosophy has also proved itself more than unworthy of my time and effort.  The biggest reason being that I never really feel good like I used to.  I never have enough time to detox from the weekends and catch up on sleep(when I eat junk I sleep REALLY poorly).  I still never drink, but it’s always been hard for me to not eat with my friends-I really feel the social pressure, and I can percieve their disappointment when I decline their offer to eat with them but offer my company in return.  Maybe I am imagining it, but I really don’t think I am-really, I would probably be the same way and very likely am the same way in any number of different situations.  In fact, I know I am.  There is plenty of stuff I really love doing that I would love my friends to do with me that is often met with polite rejection.  That’s ok, that’s how life works I guess; I just wish we didn’t all take it quite so hard.  Not that we get up and cry, but there’s always that moment of disappointment. 

     And it’s that moment that defines my next approach: going back to my orginal line of thought, but with a sexier attitude.  My whole issue before was that I was always either downplaying what I was doing, trying to fit in so as to not draw too much attention to what I was eating/doing or I was overdoing it specifically to draw attention to myself.  And my issue afterwards was that I was becoming a person I didn’t want to be: one that worships balance so much that he doesn’t see the truth right in front of his eyes-that this kind of balance is making him sicker than the fun he’s having is making him healthier.  So it’s not balance I want either-well at least not 50-50 balance, or even 90-10.  I want something more like 99-1.  Or, for the time being, 100-0(I don’t know if that counts).  Right now I feel like I have to be proud of the lifestlyle I live and allow myself to live it in public again like I did when I first started.  Although this time, live it for it, rather than for any and all attention it get’s me-which was very easy to get caught up in at first. 

     I still remember when I met my ex-girlfriend’s mom for the first time.  I was driving her in my car, with one hand on the wheel and the other feeding myself with a bleeding steak, dripping down my arm and onto the car seat.  She laughed and was shocked, as I’m sure a lot of people would have been, but that’s not really what I’m looking for these days.  Now, given that I’m so convinced that this lifestyle is such a good one, I’d like people to be turned on by it, not just shocked by it.  I’d like people to see it as I see it and I see it as the healthiest, greatest thing I have ever done for myself. 

   For the time being, maybe forever-who knows, my plan is to just stick to living as I know best and let the people around me know that they have to step it up too if they want to feel good about themselves.  They have to understand that just because I am not engaging in the same activity as they are doesn’t mean they are less of a person or lazy or whatever.  Instead of making them feel really terrible for their lives, I’d like to help make people feel real good, excited, about starting something new and healthy with their lives.  There’s a difference between the two.  I think, given the right circumstance, they both yield good results; but the latter might work for a larger number of people.  It seems to me that it’s usually only the people who are REALLY stuck in a rut, a devastating kind of pattern, that need to get scared straight-that need to feel really bad about what they are doing right this instant so as to change.  The others, which accounts for most of us, might be enticed better with honey than with vinager. 

    This, what I just said, represents a big change for me.  Me being the person I am-kind of half angry almost all the time and really angry the rest of the time, has always sought to put people in their place and force change by way of showing people exactly how stupid I really think they are.  Of course, that’s at odds with my thoughts that people do the best they can with what they’ve learned and when they have had the experiences they’ve needed to grow, they grow.  So I know my attitude is some kind of backlash.  Some kind of fear driven backlash.  I think I’ve almost always taken the negative reinforcement route and I’m glad I did because now I see what an inredible failure rate it has.  It seems that negative reinforcement is great at getting someone out of a the worst of the worst, but after that it’s always positive reinforcement that is responsible for their further growth-the pain of the negative doesn’t seem to last longer than it takes to get out of the terrible situation,  This is not an incredibly new realization for me, but it’s application really is.  I have been talking for so long about this but not acting.  And all talk and no action makes Paul go crazy. 

   So here’s the plan: Eat raw, all raw for a good long time-at least until I’m feeling really healthy and vibrant on a more consistant basis.  Also, I think I’ll incorporate regular 2x weekly fasts.  Maybe just 3/4 day fasts, or at most 24 hours.  They’ll be dry or juice, whatever I that day.  I’d also like to get into the habit of going out to my dad’s place more often-to see him and also take more walks in the clean air of the forests.  I think the regular energy boost will do me good.  And last, I’d like to make time for getting some sun on a daily basis.  Again, the energy boost from that will do me real good.  And last, I’d like to start living externally like I either feel internally or want to feel internally-and want everyone else to feel internally, so instead of people feeling bad about being around someone who lives as I do, they feel excited about maybe changing themselves into something more sustainable than they currently are. 

  Today’s blog, unlike pretty much all the rest, is being started with no direction.  I have no ideas, so I’m just going to see where that takes me. 

   I had a great workout yesterday.  Full body mix of HIT and volume(2 sets instead of one). I still struggle with motivation to get in any better shape than I’m already in.  I realize that must sound so cocky to some people, and undeservedly so(I’m not in the same shape now as I am in the pics), but I’m already in real good shape…I keep asking myself ‘what’s next?’ and ‘what’s the point of getting any stronger or any bigger?’  I’ve already determined that it’s the type of person I basically don’t want to be that uses size and strength to fill a confidence void in their lives.  But I’ve also nearly determined that literally every single act in life is to fill a void of some sort, and ultimately they all boil down to being some kind of confidence/comfort/happiness void.  In addition to that, I’ve nearly determined that that is precisely the reason I am here on earth-so as to go through the actions to fill those voids(which I think I willingly accepted upon birth) and thus reap the benefits of the lessons learned in the process.  Maybe it’s just that the lessons that have to do with traditional Bbing have been pretty much learned now.  I know that I am still motivated to being a fully functional great athlete, I know that I’m still motivated to rehabilitate my back.  Maybe that’s because there are still lessons to be learned there, or maybe lessons to be learned in future activities and situations that I will need a fully functional body for. 

   For the time being, and I’m sure you can tell, I kind of look down on people who do these things to be better than the next guy, to be this and that…to be anything freaky or outrageous.  I can assure you, this is a very clear reflection of a clear lack of understanding and experience in me.  Looking down on anyone, even if it’s a knee jerk reaction like it is in me, is just a sign that you have a ways to go.  I still get angry with people all the time.  Probably because I feel threatened by them-most of the time it has something to do with people being what I initially percieve as lazy which I then immediately feel is a threat to my happiness-maybe because I am too lazy to make myself happy!  Give you a great example, I’ll bet you know few people who get as angry as I do at people who don’t put away their weights-who actually relate this to their freedom being stripped from them.  You see how knee jerk that is?-I can almost feel it right now.  It’s not my thoughts, it’s my feelings.  And my feelings have not been tempered enough by my thoughts just yet.  I still have a lot of these knee jerk reactions to sort out, a lot of feeling like most people just constantly screw everything up to work out.  

    My thoughts tell me the truth, my feelings betray me.  My thoughts are based on experiences I’ve had along with those I’ve not yet had; my feelings are based, seemingly, only on past experiences.  Feelings are really, I would say are focused on a bit too much-most of them are very base in nature and, on top of that, they’re all passing, it seems.  The real goal is to get your feelings in line with your thoughts and make both of those ideal; make them virbrate wildly with excitement.   Then feelings and thoughts beceome something entirely different, something that can’t be emphasized enough.  But for the time being, there’s too much ’I feel this way and that way’ stuff going around.  To be honest, we all feel this way and that way and we’re all likely way off from the ideal.  Why not temper our feelings with our thoughts?  Feelings shouldn’t be ignored, but in an attempt to not ignore them…we have ignored our thoughts!  I have too.  Everytime I feel someone is acting worthlessly for doing this and that and I react immediately with some rediculous comment inside my head, I prove beyond a shadow of a doubt, my immaturity.  On the one hand, we have to allow ourselves to be our curent feelings and thoughts so as to learn from them; on the other hand we have to also allow ourselves to be the people we want to be at times rather than just the people we are. 

   Not too much to offer, haven’t been up to a whole lot but laying in the sun, working out a bit, and a bit of tree planting.  The norms. I don’t know how many people still visit my site from way back when I first launched it, but if there are any still around, they might recall that one of my hobbies is growing trees from seed.  I feel so incredibly connected with trees, almost in love with them, actually.  Some literally make me talk to them, they make me tell them how beautiful they are.  I really do, I can’t help it; think what you will. 

    Anyway, easily the coolest place I’ve ever been to in my life is Giant Sequoia National Park.  The energy there is something you can’t imagine.  It’s like walking back in time.  All the way back to prehistoric ages.  Just an incredible incredible feeling-in your lungs, on your skin, in your eyes, in your nose…everywhere.  You know you are alive in that place.  I have been planting giant sequoia seeds ever since my trip there.  I’ve had plenty of failures and a bit of success, as is usually the case.  Right now, I’ve got just under a thousand or so seeds going, along with some Ficus Religiosa and Ficus Bengalensis.  Those last two are both incredible incredible trees from India: enormous, roots everywhere, gigantic canopy, very flowing look…etc.  I’ve got quite a few of those growing as well.  Something really turns me on about creating like this, watching them grow and breathing them in.  I can almost feel it.  I’m really hoping that these sequoias turn out this time around-I am growing them outside, which I have had basically no success with in the past…but let’s see what happens. 

   In other news, I’ve been doing a lot of life planning lately.  Thinking about businesses, making money, thinking about bodybuilding, thinking about spirituality and religion, thinking about spirituality vs. religion…etc.  I grew up with a kind of praying obcession, a kind of real terrible fear of hell and God.  I got out of that and left organized religion in the dust until I was 22 or so.  Then after a couple of very strange occurances drawing me back to spirituality and religion both, I found myself very obcessed again.  As I’ve said before though, obcession seems to be life’s way of getting people to figure something out.  It’s like life telling us that there is something there that needs to be figured out.  The greatest things in my life, the ones I cherish the most are all the result of obcession.  Now they are normal beliefs or lifestlye choices, but they started as something that most people would call totally un-normal and something that should have been run away from.  I’m glad I didn’t go that route, I don’t think I would have managed it to be honest…I don’t actually think that anybody manages it. When life wants to get your attention, it has a way of doing so. 

   On the bodybuilding front, I’ve come to a few conclusions.  First, I really need to be more than just a regular bber.  I can’t do this just putting on muscle thing any longer.  It’s too ignorant of the rest of fitness and life, for my taste.  I’m really enjoying stretching and rolling lately.  I’m enjoying doing my back therapy-because it’s a kind of creation, a building of something.  What I’d really like to do is be a damn good athlete.  Fit, strong, very flexible, and painfree.  I know this is just my lack of understanding, but I still have a strong distaste built up towards just bodybuilding to get bigger.  This seems quite the opposite of what most of these guys claim to be or want to be:hyper-manly…this seems kind of hypo-manly…the same with chains, the same with tattoos, the same with everything else excessively macho.  None of this stuff represents testerone or masculinity-it all represents the lack of, imo.  I know, I’m making judgements….but just call them generalizations, I know there are exceptions.  If I were really forced to define it, I would say that masculinity is defined, not by the spirit, but by the animal; and it looks much like these things that a lot of guys make themselves into(that’s why they do it, that’s why I’ve done it), but it seems to come from a totally different place and manifest itself more subtley: it’s the difference between silent agression and a rage-aholic. 

   I went to see a very cool thing this weekend: an exact replica of a 1700s merchant ship called the Götheborg.  What was interesting was that it took them 9 years to build this thing, starting in 1995.  In the 1700s, the original Götheborg was built in 9 months.  I was talking with a client about this, about the fact that we don’t really have real craftsmen any longer.  The talent seems to have disappeared when it comes to physical work pertaining to arts or crafts.  I almost decided right then that that is a good way of describing what I want to be when it comes to be body-a kind of body craftsman.  One that works to truly perfect and creates a real piece of art-not just a big piece of art.  This piece of art is least 3 dimensional, so it has to be perfected from many angles.  It can’t just be big.  It can’t just be good looking through the eyes of a bodybuilder.  It has to be appealing to the athlete, the artist, and the layman alike.  And it has to actually work.  It has to be a holy creation, a temple.