rawlife’s BodyBlog

  I really love the intensity.  Since just a couple years after I first began weight training, the idea of intensity over volume intrigued me-at the beginning, just as a way to shorten my workouts to spend some more time with my girlfriend…but that’s often how things start.  I don’t usually like speaking for others, but I think it’s pretty common that most people start most things for the ‘wrong’ reasons.  And I think that’s ok.  I think the right reasons make themselves real clear after a while, likely when you are ready for them.  The powers that be had to get you started somehow, and they weren’t waiting around until the reason that will keep you doing it for the rest of your life became appealing to you; they did what worked right then and there to get you going right then and there.  At the time, improving workout efficiency was much less important to me than increasing the volume of the time I spent with my girlfriend.  Call me what you will.

    Anyway, now workout efficiency is real important to me.  It’s on my mind a lot.  Even after accepting that there is merit to volume training, I still consider doing more than two sets of any exercise pretty high volume, and more than that…well too much for my body anyway.  These HIT workouts, the ones that make my lungs burn, the ones that make me heave with every breath are such an incredible challenge.  I actually get scared before the full body ones, especially if I have a training parter like my cousin KG or my buddy Chris there. I know they won’t accept any less than basically more than I feel like I can already give them.  There’s just something very appealing to me about giving everything I have, about pushing until I really can’t push anymore.  I think I do it more for the experience than I do the results.  I really do.  I do it for the memory, for the story I can tell about that one time when I pushed to the outer limits of sanity.  Something about that really jives with me. 

     And to be honest, something about that turns me off.  Something about it makes me feel as though it’s just about machismo trying to prove myself to be the bigger man.  And maybe that’s the case, I don’t know.  I do know, though, that I still feel drawn towards it so I’m going to continue doing it until that feeling passes via another feeling or idea overcoming it. 

   Speaking of machismo though, I’d like to talk about something that I’m very tired of.  It’s machismo.  I’m tired of this tough guy attitude.  I’m tired of grunts for hellos.  I’m tired of the skulls.  I’m tired of most of everything that has anything to do with wearing things having to do with death and dying, looking tough, shadow boxing(haha!), all the tattoos, all of it!  I’m tired of it all because I’ve done it all.  I have the tattoos, I’ve worn the clothes, I even have vague, VAGUE memories of shadow boxing in the gym as a young guy.  The only thing keeping me back from calling it rediculous is the fact that it was what I needed at the time, it got me to the next step.  And anything that does that, in my opinion, is not rediculous.  But now, older and wiser(but not real wise yet as evidenced by the rest of this sentence), I am very tired of it.  I would much rather just F the chirade and be a cheerful, fun loving, well built because I think it looks artful and nice not because it looks tough, guy.  I still have a problem getting out of this tough guy role though-this not so happy all the time kind of role-and it might be because I seem to be naturally be a kind of tough guy. 

     On a deeper level, I really don’t connect with the ultra-sensitive and I find them hard to be around. Maybe that’s just because I am afraid of it.  Could be.  I think there is a big difference between fragile and sensitive though, and I think what I find very hard to be around is the very fragile.  Sensitive is actually a word that I often use to describe myself in that I notice things, I feel subtle differences.  It’s a quality I want to develop even more.  Fragility, on the other hand, is very hard for me to deal with.  Being able to not just deal with it though, but actually handle it with ease is something that is surely in my future(maybe everyone’s).  I seem to be around a lot of fragile people right now and it’s pretty clear to me that this is a trait of mine that needs development; I can really be very hard, very un-caring for people’s immediate feelings, and very militant in some ways.  Those kind of traits don’t have to go, per se…but they have to be tempered with the fragility and feelings of others. 

     I, too, am fragile in some ways; it seems, though, that my fragility has more to do with things that don’t come up as often as do those having to do with the fragility of others.  Or maybe, I’ve just figured out some of my issues a little more so than most…I don’t know, I think we are all on a very close to perfect path.  I do have some tender spots, but they aren’t as tender any longer.  That’s nice, and I think it’s only become that way because they were so tender in the past.  So much so that running away only made them more and more tender.  It wasn’t until I dove in, until I jumped into my problems and gave way to my obcessions, let them run at will, that I finally was able to deal with many of the problems that left me immobalized physically, mentally, and spiritually.  I suggest you try it sometime.  Just stop running away from the pain and anguish and let it in(assuming you’re not contemplating suicide or anything).  Let the obcession take you where it will and see if there’s an answer for you there.  I’ve found that my obcessions often held the keys to the things I hold nearest and dearest to me now…or still hold them.   

This entry was posted on Tuesday, May 13th, 2008 at 12:06 pm and is filed under Training. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.