rawlife’s BodyBlog

   Another series of events seems to be taking place, moving me in a certain direction.  I have become more and more conscious of these series’ of events lately…and for the time being that makes them challenging-the fact that I sense them/see then unfolding coupled with my, I would say, very human reaction to want to forcefully direct them rather than let them unfold with subtle, almost unconcious direction.  Anyway, one of the things I seem to be moving toward is dry fasting. I’ve been doing intermittent fasting for one or two years now and it seems it’s time to move onto the next step.  Most of my fasts have been 12-24 hours, but I did do a 3 day and a 6 day, and maybe a 2 day somewhere in there.  They have all been hydrated fasts, either with water or vegetable juices. 

    For the last couple months, though, I’ve been noticing that liquid, usually water, doesn’t always have the great effect on my body that everyone else seems to be talking about.  For the most part, I feel like this is because I am gulping it down by the cup rather than just slowly and carefully drinking what I need and moving on.  I haven’t pretty much ever drank as much water as the average bber out there and, despite that, I still feel like I am drinking more than I need to because it just doesn’t sit quite right.  A sip or a gulp or three sits very well, but more than a cup usually doesn’t.  After this feeling kind of solidified in me, after lots of experiences, I started running into articles about how drinking tons of water actually doesn’t have this great cleansing effect on the body and even that the body cleans itself best when it is completely at rest-not consuming anything: in other words, dry fasting.  The first little article I read that got me thinking was this one, it’s just a little blip: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=89323934

   Anyway, this isn’t all that new to me.  Actually this was one of the first things I learned when I got into raw eating-that you should try to get your water from water rich foods rather than drowning yourself in it and flushing out a lot of healthy things that you want to stay in your body by drinking it.  The fact of the matter is though, that I wasn’t ready for that really.  I went full force into it and that probably had a certain good effect in that it got me started and pushed me along, but it was never something I was able to quite get into really.  Now, after close to four years, it is something that I am really ready or getting really ready to get into.  Now I’ve had the experiences that have led me into the place I need to be to do this: to reduce my drinking water intake, to increase my food water intake, and to do intermittent dry fasting-although, I think the end result will be more like fasting dry until I come to a point of diminishing returns, taking a sip or two, and then continuing to fast dry-and this could all take place within the time frame of just a day.  I really like that idea of doing what works to get the job done with the thought in mind that the point is to evolve into a more efficient, joyful, loving, happy person.  See, without that last little part there, just doing what needs to be done to get the job done can, think, have less than desirable effects.

   In other news, I’m becoming a bigger and bigger fan of the middle ground; and much of that stems from me being weary of things that I have to chase after, things that I have to constantly strive to become so as to attain happiness-for example, a non-materialist.  I guess a materialist, in my eyes, is someone who worships or lives for the physical, who holds that above all else.  I don’t want to be that person.  Someone who strives to become as least materialistic as humanly possible-who lives for this ideal-seems, in my opinion, to be equally as confused as the first person.  I don’t want to be that person either.  That person seems to display a kind of fear, derived from a strong sense of discomfort, which could evolve into-I really don’t like using this word-a hate for the physical.  The way of love and creation doesn’t seem have a whole lot of room for eternal hate and fear-which is, essentially, how I would describe the attitude towards the physical of a person who is on a constant quest to deny it, to minimize it into nothingness and stamp it out. 

    The person I want to be loves the physical, but loves the spiritual more.  A person who worships things that do no rot, but respects and admires things that do-because they are a part of creation, they are the result of thought, they are not just a piece of the whole but an extremely important piece!  The problem is, most people have worshipping the physical down to such an art that the people that I call the masters have to continually remind us and stress to us the importance of the spiritual, the everlasting.

    So, I’d like to conclude this blog with a bit from a sermon made by the 16 year old ‘Buddha boy,’ Ram Bahadur Bomjon: “But though it is easy to lead this ignorant existence, human beings don’t understand that one day we must leave this uncertain world and go with the Lord of Death. Our long attachments with friends and family will dissolve into nothingness. We have to leave behind the wealth and property we have accumulated. What’s the use of my happiness, when those who have loved me from the beginning, my mother, father, brothers, relatives are all unhappy?”

   a great lesson.  I had a cheat meal last night, went out for Indian with some friends.  It was not only the first bite of cooked food I’ve had in about a month and a half but also the first sustantial amount of sugar I’ve had in a month and a half.  I’ve never felt sicker from cooked food.  Almost immediately I noticed that I developed a kind of drunken feeling and it seemed to just skip over the happy, pleasant drunk feeling though and go straight to the end of a long night of heavy drinking drunk feeling-head swimming, body slow to respond type of feeling compounded with the I have a boulder in my stomach kind of feeling that I always get from eating cooked food.  Anyway, that’s over and has provided me some good neuro-conditioning.  It took a couple hours before I was feeling good again, and now this morning I am feeling slightly hungover, as is usually the case.  With raw, it really seems that I have to have either one cooked meal every couple weeks or basically never eat cooked if I don’t want to feel this way.  Once every couple of months is torture.  It has to be done, but it’s torture.  But I know two things: I learn best from action and the truth makes itself known.  These once every now and again cooked meals give not only my mind a better understanding but also my body.  The lesson diffuses into my whole being-and that is what I want.  The goal is not to only eat healthy food, the goal is to only want healthy food; and I don’t think the strict denial path is going to lead me there…nor will the path of indulgence.  The best way is one that is best-that’s kind of a weird way of saying it but that is exactly how I mean it: The narrowest path, the way, is the one that is best.

     Chemical addiction, I can already tell you, is the scourge of our generation.  I’m making you a promise right now, not because I am a prophet or have had any kind of vision, but because it’s plain as day, that liver cancer, chemical induced hepititis, and what would seem to be HIV-less AIDS are going to shoot sky high before our time is up here on Earth.  I’ve never ever seen so many unhealthy people in my life.  I’ve never seen so many alcoholics almost unconcious on the streets and on the trains in my life-I mean, they actually litter the streets on some days.  I’m telling you, people are waiting for these world ending disasters, waiting for WWIII, waiting for something outside of themselves to come and destroy them and the Earth in a big way…all the while, the real disaster is happening right under their noses.  I’ve been one of those aforementioned people as well, but i learned quick: we reap what we sow and what we are sowing right now is disease.  The real disaster, once again, is happening right under our noses while we are busy looking everywhere but here, while we are guarding ourselves from everyone but ourselves. 

    Healthy food is getting real expensive, so cheap food, which people are already addicted to, looks even better.  Drinking is an absolute must for socializing now, an absolute must, and quantities are going up-there was an article in the paper, just recently actually, about how bars are buying bigger mugs because of increased demand. I really don’t think it’s just a new perspective telling me this, I really think that I’ve not seen this many alcoholics here in Sweden, EVER.  And I know the world has never has so many well fed yet under nourished people before.  Now that’s a concept: lots of full stomachs, very little nourishment. 

    I see a shift, I know it’s happening, I feel real strongly that it’s going to end up alright, but I also see that there is going to be some discomfort along the way.  Of course, the discomfort is necessary for us to develop a new way of living-the adversity, as usual, promotes creation and understanding.  And the easiest way to get through it all is the best way.  Probably a very compassionate way mixed in with a few hard thumps.  My way has always been the anger way, brow beat’em and hard thump’em all way.  Life has made it clear to me that that is unacceptable.  The way for me right now seems to involve lots more compassion to build up people’s spirits, lots of denying myself by turning the other cheek-lots of denying my immediate responses and feelings of anger and swollen pride which are mostly just the summation of my past experiences and replacing them with doing what is actually going to get people back on track.  This is hard for me.

     I’m telling you, for a while there, life was all anger all the time.  It doesn’t work, I promise it doesn’t work.  It’s a reflection of what I said earlier, the plague of this generation is addiction-a lot of people are stuck in very hard cycle: bouncing back and forth between feeling uncomfortable and handling it with the same negative response over and over again-well, seeing these things, seeing injustice and getting spitting mad everytime you see it is the EXACT SAME THING: addiction.  When will you turn the other cheek?  When will I?  I have a feeling the answer to those two questions are very related. 

   Just a couple of thoughts for the day.  It’s time for me to get up and get moving.  I had a workout planned today, but given the situation, I’m going to push it to tomorrow.  I went kayaking yesterday, for about 3 hours, and my abs are so friggin sore I can barely sit up in bed…a day off isn’t a bad idea. 

   The mind is contemplative.  And usually when it’s contemplative, it’s because it’s not feeling like a million bucks.  I’ve come to a point in my life where I am starting to experience what I think is a rather common problem.  Guilt.  Not guilt for actually doing something negative to someone or something; rather, guilt for not doing all I can to remedy the problems that most need remedying.  Right now, the one that seems to be on my mind the most is the homeless.  I’ve been talking to them lately and helping as I see fit, but there is still more to be done.  Stockholm has a number you can call actually, which connects you to a group of people that go and pick up homeless people and offers them all the help the city offer them(from programs to shelters…etc).  I called that number yesterday after I ran across a homeless man, seemingly very confused outside the subway station.  They were thankful and sent someone over there.  Whether they found him or not, I don’t know.  Immediately after that though, I already started getting this anxious feeling that I could get out of control with this whole thing if I didn’t figure something out-meaning, I would be calling them every two seconds, whenever I saw a homeless person, in need or not.  Later in the day, I saw another.  This one just from the window of the subway on my way home.  I thought to myself that I didn’t need to call seeing as how I didn’t know if he was in any kind of trouble or not, given that I couldn’t talk to him.  That decision was quickly over-ruled.  I called and attempted to describe to them exactly where he was and after a while I think they finally understood me(my Swedish is still not the best) and went and did what they do.  Again, I don’t know if they got to him or not-I was tempted to go back to where he was(it was a very short walk) and wait until they got there, to keep him busy if I had to…but I didn’t, I felt like it was more for obcessive reasons than good ones.   

   This has been on my mind a little too much lately.  Before this, it was these alcoholics that you see everywhere here, whom are publicly drunken and in visibly very bad physical shape-sores everywhere, awful awful looking skin..etc.  I had the feeling I should stop wasting my time doing whatever it was I was doing(usually just being lazy) and go talk to them about their problems, try and get them to step up and turn their life around. 

   One thing I know is that the truth makes itself known.  Seek and you shall find, ask and you shall recieve.  So I talked to them, not about about their issues per se, but just about everyday stuff and tried a get a good feel for what I should do; and I started to get a feeling…a feeling that I have felt many times before in other situations…that one event usually doesn’t turn anything or anyone around.  Even if it’s a huge event.  There’s still build up-there’s still the events that led up the The Event that gave us the mindset to interpret said Event as a life changing one.  There’s still positive and negative reinforcement afterwards that keeps us on the path we’re on-or pushes us off. (Now I’m going to go off topic for a second)-It seems to me that there is no such thing as instant change…with the exception of creation, with the exception of the initial thought that started all of this, that created all that we see here.  Beliefs, or focus seem to create our reality…but the ones we have now seem to be based on an infinite amount of past experiences, situations, other beliefs…etc.  The initial belief, I believe, was much less of a belief than it was a thought.  A very simple thought, a curiousity. 

   Getting back on track: I get the feeling(and as of yet, this is still just a hunch) that the best thing I can do for most of these people is not so much to try and save them at every oppurtunity I get by calling the homeless police or preaching to them about alcoholism, but rather to build their energy, to raise their spirits.  To get them feeling better so they can come to the point in time, all the sooner, at which they will be ready to make a decision that will turn out to be a life long major one, a life changing event-this requires many experiences and the right mindset to actually work…I don’t think it often happens too early-rather more likely, later than necessary.  What I just said though, must also be tempered with the fact that there are those out there right now who do actually need and are quite ready to be ’saved’ by the above treatment-the homeless police, the preaching…etc.  What comes above everything, above every ideal, in my opinion, is doing what works when it works.  Not too much, not too little, and hopefully something that will set us all up for a brighter easier future.  And what works for the vast majority, in my opinion, is not a scramble to get them out of trouble, but rather a dose of truth mixed in with love/compassion. 

   I still have a very strong suspician that many of these things we do for others, for charity, we do not for them, but actually for ourselves.  We do it for our personal development.  Usually not conciously, but I think it’s the case nonetheless.  Few times have I learned better lessons than from what I have learned from doing something philanthropic.  But to be totally honest, I don’t even know if you can call most of what I’ve done philanthropic.  Most of it was not because I am such a good person and bla bla bla, most was because of guilt.  Because I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t do anything.  That’s not very charitble at all.  And yet I learned much.  The first thing being that much wisdom stems from fear.  Fear is the beginning point, it’s the lowest and wisdom is the highest.  One of the most important lessons I’m learning is how to be a bit more gentile.  How to help someone find their place rather than just picking them up and putting them in their place-which works at times, but at times doesn’t…I know one girl in particular who would probably say I’m still pretty bad at that, maybe even downright lousy.    

   The last lesson I’m going to write about, one of the most important next to the two aforementioned, is that of seeing it through.  Now, on the street it plays out more like helping a person until they truly don’t need help any longer.  But on the person, on and in me, it plays out a bit more like a lesson in persistance.  This lesson is no surprise, it’s one that my grandfather told his children and grandchildren-one of his most highly cherished character traits-persistance.  Doing until it’s done.  Going all the way-even long after it stopped being comfortable if necessary.  This is a lesson that plays out in my life all the time.  I have a tendency to do until my sense of comfort is appeased enough that it no longer needs any more work to stay quiet and not bother me.  What an incredible misunderstanding, right?!  All that usually ends up doing is continually raising your level of comfort and decreasing your threshhold for discomfort.  I guess in some cases that’s good, but it’s also a real easy way to literally paralyze yourself in inactivity!  I’ve been looking at my apartment for the last couple of weeks, thinking to myself ‘jeez this place is messy, why don’t you just clean it up?’ And sometimes I do.  I clean until my sense of comfort is appeased.  Of course, my sense of comfort is low as hell!  The place is almost always still a mess!  Well, it’s not such a mess anymore.  This has been the world’s longest blog for me because I’ve been doing so many thing inbetween paragraphs-one of which being giving this apartment a real do-over. 

   This is something that rolls over into all areas of life.  Appeasing myself and my sense of comfort, appeasing ourselves and our senses of comfort has kept me and almost everyone else from actually doing anything of any worth.  From actually getting anything done.  This isn’t because something is inherintly wrong with us.  It’s because something is very right with us, in fact.  This is a survival trait.  But we have been given free will and have come to a point in time where this trait doesn’t serve us in the same way that it once did.  Now it is time to use our free will to mold our present and future more conciously than we have in the past. 

    I understand that the goal is the journey, but the journey can’t be cut short by miles and miles just because we feel like the goal is too far away.  The goal has to be pursued at least a little bit more, with at least a little more creative thought, with at least a little more awareness. 

    Now, if I could give you just one little tip in pursuing your journey, one that I find hard to do myself but I know is very important nonetheless: Be quiet. 

  Stop doing everything, don’t listen to anything, don’t read anything, don’t eat anything.  Just sit there and think.  The biggest reason people are so confused is that they can’t think with so much stuff going on.  Don’t just try it, get it done, do it for a good long while; and if it doesn’t work, modify it, and then get it done.

  First fullbody HIT workout for almost a year and it went off without a hitch.  I’m talking great workout.  Leg extensions into leg curls into uni leg presses into plate pullovers into negative chins into inverted rows into barbell curls into dips into pushups into handstand pushups into shoulder presses(because the handstand pushups went pretty much no where after everything else).  11 exercises, all taken to failure+forced reps, no rest inbetween.  I loved it.  I’m going to eat, sleep, and breath that session until the next one, which I can’t wait for.  On top of that, I did it at a great bodybuilding gym here in Stockholm called Pro Gym.  Really great place, great energy, lots of light, good equipment, everything was on point.  I’ll be going there again.  And maybe if I’m real nice they’ll let me film a session there, or at least take some pics. 

    Speaking of pics, how is it that I keep seeing the same people on the “new profile pic” section on the homepage of this website?  They can’t be changing their profile pics 10x daily like it seems they are.  Someone, inform me. 

    Back to bodybuilding: I’ve put the raw butter back in the diet for the time being.  We’ll see how I respond to it.  For right now, it feels good, and I’m eating a lot, to be honest.  In fact, right now I am consuming a bit more than 1lb of raw ground lamb, a whole hell of a lot of butter, quite a bit of olive oil, and quite a bit of dill, green onion, and ’timjan’(don’t know what it is in english) all mixed together to make a great muscle building meal.  I have been eating that 3x daily for the last two days. And after the meal, for desert, I think I’ll go with some flaxseed oil.  Got to eat up though, it’s pretty late and if I eat too close to bed I dream like crazy….or I dream crazy.  So give me a minute.

   Alright I’m done.  Anyway, I trained with a new guy today, Robert-and old collegue of mine.  Good guy, pushed hard and pushed me hard.  I put him through something that Tom Platz put me through when I was working with him-static holds at the end of a set of squats. I pushed him to the brink of failure and then on the last rep I had him count out 10 seconds at the very bottom of the squat-actually about 1 inch out of the pocket, so he was still pressing against the weight.  I remember Tom did this to me on the 20th or maybe even the 30th rep of 300 something.  I was shaking like a leaf but not ready to disappoint him.  I don’t think I did.  We got along very well actually, there was a good deal of respect there.  And there were a couple of very intense sets done during those few months-I remember curling one time until I was seriously swinging so much that I was more lying down than I was sitting towards the end.

    Strangely, letting go of that intensity, the brutal intensity, almost panics me.  I feel so defined by it that letting go would feel like I am letting go of my masculintity.  Maybe that’s a good reason to let it go.  It probably is(I’ve got to separate myself as much as possible from things flimsy reasons for being).  And I’ve thought about it and actually done it before.  But something draws me back.  And I think it’s the fun.  It’s the fact, that I really love the experience, and the memory of the experience.  And I love perfecting it.  I love making it better, making it tougher, pushing harder tomorrow where I didn’t push quite as hard today.  For example, I crushed legs today, but back got off slightly easy because I set up one of the stations incorrectly.  I didn’t want to interrupt the tempo so I just went with it, but it got under my skin a little bit.  And at the end, I didn’t have a tricep exercise handy, so I just skipped it thinking they got enough work already-this was easy to accept at the time as I was heaving for air and my whole body was shaking-more like vibrating. 

    Anyway, gonna have some flaxseed oil now and chat a while online with the former first lady.  Take it easy.

   I just got done consuming quite a bit of my new favorite sugar free dish-garlic and onions topped with a bit of ground lamb, parsley, and olive oil.  Ha, more like the other way around, but seriously I put in so much garlic my mouth is still numb.  I had to take breaks while eating it just to shake off the burn in my mouth.  The reason I’m doing the garlic and onions is to take care of a pesky candida issue I have been experiencing for the past 6 months or so after very stupidly taking antibiotics for something I really shouldn’t have.  My symptoms are really mild in comparison to a lot of the people you read about with candida, but nonetheless I want them gone.  I am tired of hearing my stomach grumbling all the time, that’s for sure!  The basic idea is that you try to eliminate or kill of the fungal candida while at the same time repopulating your intestinal flora with probiotics or probiotic foods.

   Funny how things work out though: despite the discomfort, this has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me.  I realize now how addicted I have always been to sugar; how I’ve always self medicated with it in one capacity or another.  I also now realize that it’s real likely that I’ve had candida overgrowth for years without recognizing it simply because my symptoms, prior to the bout of antibiotics, were never anything thought of as out of the ordinary.  In addition to that, I’ve also come to realize that I am not, or I was not, the only one in that boat.  Now, listening to the things that people tell me about themselves and just generally observing people, I’ve come to feel as though quite a number of people have this same problem and don’t even know it.  Dandruff, bad breath, rashes, yellow toe nails, gas, body odor-these are all sign of excess bacterial growth of some kind.  Look into it.  I never did, now I have. 

   Because of the candida, because of the nutritional changes I’ve made, I am mentally clearer and, I believe, physically healthier than I’ve ever been.  This makes me believe that this was all in the cards.  Strangely, in addition to that, I started making my own probiotics-Kombucha at the exact same time I got candida-it was like life gave me the problem and the solution right then and there.  I think it was definitely in the cards. 

      Moving on though, the only other time I felt this drastic of a change in my mental clarity in such a short period of time was when I went raw-it was like the flood gates of free thought opened.  Thought free from obcession; much calmer, more reasonable thinking.  To this day, I still seem actually almost physically incapable of getting as obcessed over anything as I did when I was younger.  There is a kind of multi-faceted marraige between the physical, mental, and spiritual that should not be ignored-when one get’s healthier, the other’s respond.  Anyway needless to say, cutting sugar out of my diet has opened the floodgates again-even though the only sugars I was eating were fruits and un-heated honey.  I am thinking clearer and I am feeling cleaner-literally, I feel lighter and as though everything is running much smoother on the inside.  It’s a great feeling.  Just thought I’d give everyone a bit more personal of an update.

    In other news, I HIT the legs today.  First I did a lateral walk, directly into a plate run, right into the adductor machine, right into single legged ATG ball squats.  Huge pump, lungs burned, heart pounded out of the chest.  Loved every second. And what I loved most was the challenge of getting through it.

    You should give the plate run a try-put a plate on the floor and, with a body low to the ground and taking long strides, push it as far and as fast as you can.  Really tough!  I knew I couldn’t leave HIT for too long.  HIT is my baby and I love her. 

  I really love the intensity.  Since just a couple years after I first began weight training, the idea of intensity over volume intrigued me-at the beginning, just as a way to shorten my workouts to spend some more time with my girlfriend…but that’s often how things start.  I don’t usually like speaking for others, but I think it’s pretty common that most people start most things for the ‘wrong’ reasons.  And I think that’s ok.  I think the right reasons make themselves real clear after a while, likely when you are ready for them.  The powers that be had to get you started somehow, and they weren’t waiting around until the reason that will keep you doing it for the rest of your life became appealing to you; they did what worked right then and there to get you going right then and there.  At the time, improving workout efficiency was much less important to me than increasing the volume of the time I spent with my girlfriend.  Call me what you will.

    Anyway, now workout efficiency is real important to me.  It’s on my mind a lot.  Even after accepting that there is merit to volume training, I still consider doing more than two sets of any exercise pretty high volume, and more than that…well too much for my body anyway.  These HIT workouts, the ones that make my lungs burn, the ones that make me heave with every breath are such an incredible challenge.  I actually get scared before the full body ones, especially if I have a training parter like my cousin KG or my buddy Chris there. I know they won’t accept any less than basically more than I feel like I can already give them.  There’s just something very appealing to me about giving everything I have, about pushing until I really can’t push anymore.  I think I do it more for the experience than I do the results.  I really do.  I do it for the memory, for the story I can tell about that one time when I pushed to the outer limits of sanity.  Something about that really jives with me. 

     And to be honest, something about that turns me off.  Something about it makes me feel as though it’s just about machismo trying to prove myself to be the bigger man.  And maybe that’s the case, I don’t know.  I do know, though, that I still feel drawn towards it so I’m going to continue doing it until that feeling passes via another feeling or idea overcoming it. 

   Speaking of machismo though, I’d like to talk about something that I’m very tired of.  It’s machismo.  I’m tired of this tough guy attitude.  I’m tired of grunts for hellos.  I’m tired of the skulls.  I’m tired of most of everything that has anything to do with wearing things having to do with death and dying, looking tough, shadow boxing(haha!), all the tattoos, all of it!  I’m tired of it all because I’ve done it all.  I have the tattoos, I’ve worn the clothes, I even have vague, VAGUE memories of shadow boxing in the gym as a young guy.  The only thing keeping me back from calling it rediculous is the fact that it was what I needed at the time, it got me to the next step.  And anything that does that, in my opinion, is not rediculous.  But now, older and wiser(but not real wise yet as evidenced by the rest of this sentence), I am very tired of it.  I would much rather just F the chirade and be a cheerful, fun loving, well built because I think it looks artful and nice not because it looks tough, guy.  I still have a problem getting out of this tough guy role though-this not so happy all the time kind of role-and it might be because I seem to be naturally be a kind of tough guy. 

     On a deeper level, I really don’t connect with the ultra-sensitive and I find them hard to be around. Maybe that’s just because I am afraid of it.  Could be.  I think there is a big difference between fragile and sensitive though, and I think what I find very hard to be around is the very fragile.  Sensitive is actually a word that I often use to describe myself in that I notice things, I feel subtle differences.  It’s a quality I want to develop even more.  Fragility, on the other hand, is very hard for me to deal with.  Being able to not just deal with it though, but actually handle it with ease is something that is surely in my future(maybe everyone’s).  I seem to be around a lot of fragile people right now and it’s pretty clear to me that this is a trait of mine that needs development; I can really be very hard, very un-caring for people’s immediate feelings, and very militant in some ways.  Those kind of traits don’t have to go, per se…but they have to be tempered with the fragility and feelings of others. 

     I, too, am fragile in some ways; it seems, though, that my fragility has more to do with things that don’t come up as often as do those having to do with the fragility of others.  Or maybe, I’ve just figured out some of my issues a little more so than most…I don’t know, I think we are all on a very close to perfect path.  I do have some tender spots, but they aren’t as tender any longer.  That’s nice, and I think it’s only become that way because they were so tender in the past.  So much so that running away only made them more and more tender.  It wasn’t until I dove in, until I jumped into my problems and gave way to my obcessions, let them run at will, that I finally was able to deal with many of the problems that left me immobalized physically, mentally, and spiritually.  I suggest you try it sometime.  Just stop running away from the pain and anguish and let it in(assuming you’re not contemplating suicide or anything).  Let the obcession take you where it will and see if there’s an answer for you there.  I’ve found that my obcessions often held the keys to the things I hold nearest and dearest to me now…or still hold them.   

   Been having pretty good workouts lately, HIT workouts.  I really missed them.  For whatever reason, I keep being brought back to them.  I’m pretty accepting now of the idea that it can’t just be momentary muscular failure that stimulates growth, but I’m also very accepting of the fact that it can stimulate growth and that training to MMF is one of the easiest ways for me to gauge my progress. 

     I’d actually love to start getting into fullbody HIT again. That was such an incredible rush.  The problem is always getting past the first few weeks where the cardiovascular and respiratory system really keep you from being able to push the muscular system as hard as it needs to be pushed to grow.  Even just writing about it though get’s me excited-thinking about pushing that hard, breathing that deeply and desperately.  The only thing really keeping me from doing it is the back.  When it comes to legs, I really have to be careful and take time to set things up right and stretch in between sets and stuff.  That doesn’t really jive with a full body HIT workout. Although, I have been working really hard and the back and I am happy to report that I have seen a lot of results and I am in much less pain right now than I was a while back.  In addition to that, I feel as though I’ve made real progress in actually warding off future injury by getting the lower portions of my left side multifidi working again-I don’t think they’ve been full steam for years…well, I still don’t think they’re full steam, but maybe they’re a bit more now than they were. 

    I’ve been thinking a lot about my bodybuilding goals lately.  I really can’t say that I want to just put on a whole lot of size anymore, especially size without strength.  Nowadays, size without flexibility and without the ability to function properly and injury free makes less sense to me as well.  When I think ‘perfect physique,’ I think of one that is injury free, strong, flexible, and THEN maybe I think about the size and definition and all that.  Strength is really appealing to me right now-and, In my mind, I equate that granite, rock solid look with being strong; so I feel like the aesthetics will just take care of themeselves, to be honest, if I just train for function.

   I’m diggin this close to zero carb nutritional plan right now.  I’ve been real low for quite some time now, but right around zero for the last few days.  I mean, it’s a bit uncomfortable here and there but that is part of what I like-putting the skin back where it belongs-behind the mind, and even further behind the spirit.  Right now, I’m kind of burning the addiction, starving the temptation…and I kind of like that.  Perspective really does make a difference.  Every situation, all summed up, is an inexplicably large number of different things.  Part of what I try to do now is look at my meals like I looked at them when I was 15, and actually feel them that way too.  I remember, when I loved bodybuilding more than anything else in the world, every bite would be more muscle.  I would literally get excited while eating and even laugh sometimes and flex and all that.  Now that seems a bit much, but I want that spirit.  I want the excitement of that transferred over to my healthy foods; so I think about my food nourishing me, my body crying out in ecstasy, rejoicing for the gift.  With foods I don’t enjoy so much, like drinking the olive oil, I make sure to swish it around real good, taste every last ounce and consentrate on exactly how great it is for me, how much energy I will have, how my liver will thank me over and over again for feeding it such a clean fat.  The taste, as far as I’m concerned, is much like a person’s beliefs-very related to past experiences…so it can be changed. That’s why I swish it around, that’s why I visualize or actually REAL-ize.  I force it on myself, I coax my body into understanding it’s benefit and before too long, it starts tasting alright and then I actually start craving it like I did today.  I really wanted it today, I wanted to just gulp it down and almost drown my body in the olive oil.  I found some higher quality olive oil today at the health food store, it’s twice as expensive but I think I’ll start buying that instead because it’s pressed at a lower temperature.  The one that I have is cold pressed and organic but it’s pressed at under 40 whereas this other is at under 27 and as far as I’m concerned, very few expenses are too much when it comes to food-this is a big part of what sustains us afterall.  Although, I’m tempted to think, and I dare say that I do, that there is something else as well, something we don’t eat with our mouths, but we consume nonetheless.  And one day, maybe we won’t consume it, maybe we’ll just bathe in it and share it with everyone that comes our way.

    In other news,  I’ve been making some good ground when it comes to the back.  It still doesn’t feel good at all, I would say, but it feels better.  A little bit more stable.  I can thank my napprapat for nudging me in the right direction when it comes to that.  When it comes to most things, actually, I find that I don’t really get answers from people, I just get nudges.  I get hinted in a certain direction and life leaves it up to me do the ground work.  That is one of my lessons this time around-persistance, and persistance really isn’t persistance until it has been tempered with fear, with confusion, with doubt and angst.  After that, then it’s persistance. 

    Tomorrow’s legs.  Today was core, yesterday was upper body.  I’ve gotten back into my HIT style workouts.  I miss the intensity.  I miss how much more sense it makes to me than high volume-the comradery with logic, I love it.  There is still something to the volume theory, but I think we’re talking about much less volume than anyone would even consider volume.  I’m thinking 2, max 3 sets(and only for a beginner).  If volume didn’t play any role at all then, it would seem that reaching momentary muscular failure would produce the same amount of growth time after time after time, every single time.  The answer must be in the middle.  I know some workouts produce more growth than others, and I know it has more to do with the stimulus than the outside factors.  I wonder if the actual load plays a role-the load on the muscle at the moment of muscular failure-which is constantly differing depending on where you are in the rep.  Something to think about…Take her easy.

   Seems like I have been experiencing a lot of strange coincidences and synchronicities lately.  I don’t know if I am just more aware of it now or what, but I really don’t feel like these things were happening to me nearly as much when I was younger. 

   Anyway, I started learning a great lesson several years back and I really solidified it yesterday-meaning, it’s in me now, there’s no doubt to me that it is truth…and that is that I am being taken care of.  When I think about my life’s plan, I feel like I am being drawn towards certain things, certain futures, certain realities.  If I try to picture myself in certain other ones, let’s say being flat broke and homeless(unless by choice), something feels like it just doesn’t jive with the plan that was already set into motion even before my birth.  It’s like this feeling of two things that just don’t go together.  So, I got this idea quite some time ago, that life itself is actually helping me stay on track, helping me achieve the my life’s plan.  What’s cool is that my life’s plan, I’m assuming much like everyone else’s, is multi-faceted.  Part of mine seems to have something to do with living for the things in life that really give me long term happiness, rather than living for the things which give me immediate comfort-such as having a certain amount of money in the my account-this is a big one for me.  Anyway, like I said, I got this idea a while back and it seemed to me that I really was saving too much money, I really wasn’t enjoying life nearly as much as I could because instead of spending my money on things that I wanted, I just stowed it away in case business would all of the sudden go bad and I would end up on the street.  Well after I decided that ending up on the street just didn’t seem to be in the my life’s plan, I started not just spending more money but also giving away a lot even when it was real uncomfortable and I really didn’t want to(in fact, that was often my sign to actually do it-when it was real uncomfortable).  It wasn’t until yesterday though, that I recieved some very cool insight as to what that was actually about.  I had been under the impression, when I first began giving away, that I was to give away for the sake of those I was giving to.  I think I was mistaken.  It seems to me, the reason I felt so drawn to giving away everything in my pocket, everything in my wallet(even if it was a lot), was not for them at all, it was for me!  It was to rid me of my addiction to the comfort of money; to show me that I was being taken care-that I would get more.  Funny, looking back, I remember a couple of rough times in my life when I prayed for some cash and BAM! I’d find some on the street-20$ bills.  They didn’t actually help all that much, but looking back on it-it was a sign of what I’m saying now…that it’s going to be ok. 

    So the same thing happened yesterday: I was at this street market looking at the trinkets and the paintings when I saw one that I liked a bit.  Didn’t love it, but liked it considerably.  Old style painting, very clear, reminded me of something in my childhood.  It wasn’t expensive at all but I was considering not buying it because I really didn’t love it.  I didn’t need it.  Anyway, I thought I’d think it over while buying a pair of jeans that I did need.  Then when I thought about buying the jeans plus the painting, I just thought about how it would be so much money and bla bla bla.  All fearful reasoning.  So I went in and bought the jeans.  Came out and took a look at the painting and thought about my feeling that I am being taken care of, that life expects me to get the things I want and get rid of this money/comfort addiction, and even more so, that I always seem to make more money when my account is in flux-when I am always spending.  So before I thought about it anymore, I went to the cash machine, took out 500 SEK(about 80$) and bought it for a 100…and right after I did, I had this feeling in me that I should get rid of the rest.  400 sek is just under 70$.  That is a lot for me to give away to homeless people.  I was reluctant.  The ‘do I have to?’ attitude.  I got the ‘just trust me’ answer back.  Despite my reluctance, I went ahead and gave the first hundred away to the first homeless guy I saw.  And wouldn’t you know it, on the little bit of street left on my way to the subway, there were exactly 3 more homeless people spread out evenly, waiting for a handout.  So criss-crossing the street, I handed a hundred over to each one-one of which was difficult because he was smoking and that is another addiction I have yet to beat-a strong negative emotion right when I see someone smoking, a strong dislike-very childish.  But anyway, did it and done.  And afterwards, I recieved the understanding:that they were likely going to waste it, the one guy was probably going to buy cigarretes, the others might buy alcohol, maybe they would put it to good use, I don’t know.  That wasn’t the point.  The lesson was mine.  Get rid of your money, get rid of your addiction to the comfort surrounding it.  You’re being taken care of.  That doesn’t mean there won’t be hard times, but they are less likely to put you out of commission for good because it’s not in your life’s plan.  It’s a cool feeling.  A bit like what some might call faith, but I call understanding.