pyek’s BodyBlog

Lately it has been a chore to get to the gym, and when I do I struggle to get through my sets.  The reason is I screwed up and read my ex’s blog again.  I don’t know why, but curiosity gets the better of me sometimes and I check it out and It always just pisses me off.  For two years he has been whining about how I left him when he needed me the most, right when he diagnosed himself with bi-polar dissorder (which was immediately after I agreed with him about me being the most horrible wife in the world and the stuipdest person to ever live and I wanted a divorce for making him so miserable).  He just continues on about how I abandoned him, walked out on him and how he has been faithful to his wife from day one. do the names Wendy and Lanie ring a bell *******, I found the letter to Wendy about the night they made love and how much he loved her a month after our wedding, which is when the marraige went downhill.  Then later found out he was bringing a stripper (Wendy) to MY house while I was at work, this was right before he moved in with me.  He talks about how much I hurt him by leaving and how much he wants me back. I guess so!!  I did everything!! I paid all the bills, did all the cleaning all the yard work, everything!!! He spent his paychecks on crap for him, and all my paychecks went to bills and overdraft fees incurred by him because he worked part time at a video game store not making enough for his toys and I had a career as a lab tech and had to cover his ass all the time.  Then he does admit "Yes, I did some bad things" but quickly brings it back to me walking out on him in his hour of need.  He doesn’t say exactly what it was he did, like he will never admit to holding a loaded gun to my head twice, yet I stayed.  He will never admit to throwing me around the house while I was 6 months pregnant with his child, yet I stayed (Clayton was delivered emergency C-section at 7 1/2 months BTW).  He doesn’t admit to stealing the rent money and mentally tourtring me by saying he was going to use it at the strip club to buy a blow job and video it so I could watch.  He did that while I was pregnant and also while I was recovering from the C-section.  Is it any wonder why I was depressed and fat?  After all that **** I did put up with, what was the last straw?  He took $100 of the rent money again and did the whole gonna buy a blow job and video it, I was standing at the door crying and said "I wish you would stop playing mind games with me and hurting me."  Which threw him into a rage, he shoved me in the house and continued to throw me around untill we ended up at the door of the bedroom.  He then threw me across the room and I landed on the bed, he jumped on me and was choking me.  I just laid there crying while I was being choked thinking what if my son (who was 2 at the time) were to walk in and see his daddy choking his mommy with this evil ‘die you ****ing bitch’ look in his eyes.  Which finally gave me the strength to kick him off of me and get away.  He claims he only did that to me because he wanted to hurt himself and he was hoping it would push me to grab the gun to defend myself and put us both out of our missery.  Two things wrong with that explanation: 1. The gun was on the dresser across the room, not the nightstand, I couldn’t reach it. I wouldn’t kill my son’s dad anyway, unless he was doing that to my son.  2. There is no mistaking that look in someone’s eyes when they want to hurt you, I mean really hurt you!!  I left everything to get away from him.  That was my house and all my stuff in it, he moved in with me.  But I needed out so bad none of it, except my son and cat I had for 11 years mattered.  Now he’s sitting pretty in the life I set up for him because the trailer I had was rent to own, now he owns it, while I’m paying much more in rent and a car note, oh yea did I mention he is driving his mom’s car and doesn’t pay a note.  I REFUSE, however, to get child support from him because I don’t want to have to depend on him for anything… I did it by myself while we were married, I can make it on my own now.  I have been told many many times I have way too much pride, but that is what finally got me out of that situation.  Sometimes when my son starts crying because he has to leave me and go with his dad, I appoligize to him for putting him in the situation of having to go back and forth like this.  He just huggs me and says its ok because he’s much happier now that the fighting stopped…he remembers the screaming behind closed doors.  That hurts me so much.  And when I read my ex’s whinning and complaining about how and why I left, I can’t help but think I couldn’t stick around for one more day, it wasn’t just me I had to think of anymore.  All this just rushes me when I read it and I have an eruption of emotions, which is why I get so pissed.

I had to take a few days off from the gym because I got sick last weekend, but then when I was ready to go back I was de-railed again.  This time by another relapse into my former depression.  It was mild at first, set on by my son’s reaction to having to leave me to go with his dad for a a couple of days.  He is starting to get more resistant to staying with his dad when I have to go to work, and the good-byes are becoming more emotional for the both of us.  I worked Wed and Thrus days and was scheduled for overtime Fri and Sat days.  I decided to ask my mom if we could stay Thrus night at her house so I could spend the night with him, and someone would be around to take care of him in the morning since I have to leave at 3:30 am.  When he realized we were staying at his maw maw’s house he knew why and started begging me not to go to work, then almost started hyperventillating.  This did not help my condition, but I calmed him down and we went to bed.  When I got up he woke up and the first thing out of his mouth was "Please, no".  and put his little arms around me.  I calmed him down and got dressed, when I came back he could barely breathe he was crying so hard.  My mom and I managed to get him calm again, we walked outside while I drank my coffee (we saw a shooting star), and when I had to leave he just kept begging me to stay.  He has never been that emotional over me having to go to work before.  Unfortunately it just sent me spiraling downward.  Fortunately, though I have noticed that since I left my ex and started exercizing and eating better my bouts of depression are not as deep and don’t last nearly as long as when I was "stuck" in that destructive marriage.  That happened Fri morning, and I already feel much better (although I’m still avoiding my co-workers as much as possible), and I will get my son back tonight until Mon night.  We’ll se how that goes.

The other day I was playing with the settings on my scale and when I put it on athletic my body fat was calculated at between 10-14%.  When I set it to normal, it was between 20-25%.  Can anyone explain why there is such a big difference?  Sorry if this sounds like a stupid question.

I decided to start taking classes at the gym, so I went for a pilate class today.  OMG!!  It worked my muscles in such good ways!  There were times my body wanted to give up, but my brain just said "new bikini".  I think I’m going to stick with this on top of lifting, it’ll have me ready way before July.

Since I started working at a plant I’ve had a couple guys try to kiss me at work.  I try to be friendly to everyone, but some of them (usually older married men) start to get sexually explicit with me and I immediately change the subject to my son, or hunting, or fishing…anything but sex.  I tell them I’m not looking for anything, but they keep calling or visiting me, so I keep trying to hold CLEAN conversations with them.  Then all of a sudden they think it’s ok to "go in for the kill" while we’re working nights and not many people are here.  I don’t want to get anyone in trouble, or have a married man with children getting fired because of me…I don’t want that hanging over my head.  So my question is what else can I do?  I have to see them because they bring the samples to the lab, I have to talk to them to keep communication between the lab and the unit.  What else can I do without getting anyone fired or getting ambushed again?

My friend sent me some information about on-line classes for single, working mothers a few months ago and said I should really look into it, but I wasn’t sure what I wanted a degree in.  Today it hit me…I get so enthused when I start talking to someone about clean eating and all the information and new rescipes I’ve found. I’m thinking about getting a degree in nutrition, I would love to learn much more and put that knowledge to good use.  I also don’t want to be working shift work at a chemical plant for the next 20-30 years, it’s exhausting.

I wanted to go to the gym today and work on upper body, but I get so tired sometimes when I’m working dogs.  I WILL go Friday when I wake up, before I go get my son.  I had a good leg and cardio session on Wednesday.

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