Just 1 Fat Chick on a Diet

This has nothing to do with my diet, or anything on here whatsoever..but I just need to vent…This is causing me so much stress and grief…

I feel like today has been a losing battle for me. I’ve been for the last month dealing with the fear of what is going on inside my body since a Dr told me that I have abnormal cell growth from a pap…I’m not sure entirely either if its cervical or ovarian..but he brought up hypothetical worst case situations like cancerous, hysterectomy, displaysia, and my least favorite phrase of all time "you may not be able to have kids". Now mind you..it could be nothing, but its the second time I’ve had such a problem and he really was trying to scare me when I started to question him about prices ( I have no insurance)…

But here is where my concern really lies…When I finally recieved this abnormal result it was 6 months after the Drs actually noticed such cell growth. I didnt realize they were calling me about a problem. Thought they were trying to reschedule another appointment for something else entirely that I had missed. I went in for a bad case of strep and got this news…6 months late…

So this was Jan when this growth began…and May when I found out. They gave me an appointment a MONTH away…for tomorrow..June 2nd…and told me if I started to menstruate to cancel. Of course I did start…8 days early…yesterday… :0( After stressing for a month about this appt.  and waiting to find out after 7 months whats been going on… wondering if my greatest fear is going to come true….the inability to have my own beautiful baby. So now they rescheduled me for JUNE 30th…almost another month…

 My anxiety is through the roof. I’ve been crying about this for the last month. Everytime I see a woman pregnant on TV, or someone talking about giving birth, or just seeing mothers with their newborn babies….

I never wanted anything more than to have my own child. I love children. It was the only thing in my life I was certain that I wanted more than anything. More than a nice house or car or anything. Was my own beautiful child. To give a life to my child that I’d always wished I had…to spoil ( A LITTLE), to teach,  and hold and enjoy every second with. I’m just praying that God isnt cruel enough to take that away from me. Of all the things I’ve been through in my life..this would be the greastest injustice…I just wouldnt understand the reasons behind it.

I’ve dedicated my life to caring for other peoples children. For loving every neice and little cousin and brothers and sisters…and working in day camps and day cares and as a nanny….It would just be so unfair…I cant let myself believe that life is that cruel to me. I pray that its not.

I am feeling terribly depressed..I took some pictures today, just to get a clearer view of my body and am horrified…

Its not motivating. It makes me want to put on a baggy T-shirt and pants and never show my body again. I know its my first week, but self-concious issues like this kill me. I’m really in need of some good motivational words.

I mean I have in the past had eating disorderS, yes multiple, bulimia and anorexia, along with a compulsive excersize program….but it was so long ago and I have built myself up so much over the years to be more confident.

Although I have now allowed myself to just let go, because I am afraid of becoming sick again.

Pictures like these make me want to do drastic things, or just give up…Its so hard for me to find that median point…some advice would be great

Anyhow. Here are the pictures that may very well make me cry tonight :0( Thought I was past all this…

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