Just 1 Fat Chick on a Diet

Sometimes I forget, where I came from and the trials I’ve endured. Years of neglect and abuse, that fuled this fire to prove to myself that I am something better and stronger than I’ve been taught.

 Sometimes I forget how good it felt to wake up every morning and work my tush off literally until my body was toned and muscular and beautiful and I enjoyed looking in the mirror.

 Sometimes I forget, how hard I have fallen and the ridicule I have been subjected to at a larger size. How much I want to break free from my insecurities and conquer all those cruel voices in my head.

 Sometimes I forget that this is about me. My body, my health, my self-image, confidence and energy.

Sometimes I forget to forget what other people have to say, what other people have said and how little their opinions count.

Sometimes I forget that I am strong and beautiful and in control of my self and my body. That I can conquer any obstacle.

 Sometimes I forget that people with physical incapablities far surpassing any aches and pains I have, have done so much more.

Sometimes I forget to appreciate who I am and realize that I took this struggle to turn my life around for so many good reason.

Sometimes I just need to remember who I am and why this is exactly what I want, no matter how hard.

I guess we all just need a reminder sometimes. 

Today I am THROUGH doing things the healthy way. I feel like all this time was wasted….I feel like a child again, being called fat, and disgusting. Just uncomfortable in my own skin. My stomach is so sick…and my body is shaking..I wish people realized that the words they say cut like knives. Today my grandfather, while I was playing Wii surrounded by a crowd of my family…said to me "Wow lori anne…you really put on some weight." I stopped for a moment stunned..thinking he must be joking…and after some prompting from my uncle to stop humiliating me he continued…

Uncle: "Pop..leave her alone shes healthy….just means she eats"  I know he was trying but it just made the situation worse

Grandfather: "You’re heavier than your boyfriend…what happened."

 I have battled so long with my weight. I have worked so hard..and 40 lbs lighter I feel fatter and more sick of myself than I ever have.

I tried on about 300 pairs of shorts at Khols two days ago…Up to size 13 and none of them fit me properly, if they even zipped at all. I feel like drastic is the only way to do things. I’d rather be dead than continue on being the "healthy" "heavy" "chubby" "thick" girl…I have worked too damn hard…I hate myself more than ever. And everything from childhood, to high school to failed realtionships and cheaters…and little remarks people have made. Its all creeping up like bile. I am done.