Just 1 Fat Chick on a Diet

Well physically back on the mark, and feeling healed from the procedure completely for a few days. Restarted going to the gym two days ago with a Straight Up Strength class with my friend Claudia and then again today for Hi/Low (a beginners step) and maybe some Powerflex (strength training).

ON A PERSONAL LEVEL however, some relationship set-backs have happened and have me down in the dumps majorly. My insecurities are through the roof. Moreso than they have been for almost a decade. (god I’m old enough to say that and have it make sense…ew)…So there are two ways this could go and I think I know which it will turn out: I could either fall into a depression and stop giving a ****, or I can hit the gym harder than ever and TRY to bring my confidence back up. Unfortunately confidence isnt as directly effected by weight lifting as muscle development. Creeps up when it wants too and dissapears unexpectedly and all too often. However my friend Claudia and I joined a gym together and have a M, T, Wed, Thurs, Sat schedule that could put some of the top profiles on here in some serious soreness, so I know she wont let me faulter. Hopefully when the changes come about I’ll start to feel better about myself, but I’ve found throughout this journey that I was actually slightly more confident when I was heavy and didnt care. The more I scrutinize my body the more I hate it, no matter how its changing. :/ Yesterday I had a breakdown in front of the mirror and felt myself slipping back into a body dysmorphic phaze. I looked at myself and just could almost see myself expanding. I had the worst panic attack and my boyfriend came in to find me on the bed hysterical crying, with a pile of clothes that made me look "obese" at my feet. I know its in part due to these hard times, and the lack of control I feel in my life. Its hard to keep those past voices out of my head from when I was bulimic. I dont want to lose what I’ve taken so long to build.

I need your help, honestly to keep my head in the game. And to point out any changes you see, cause right now. I see gains gains gains..and the scale is showing gains and losses and gains and losses. Its making me crazy.

Thank you all for the warm welcome back. FINALLY had my Dr’s appt for those who have been with me for a while you know what I mean. I had two biopsies taken, but the Dr told me its probably nothing to worry about. In excruciating pain, so I’m going to go lay back down. No sex for 4-6 weeks…::does the sign of the cross:: I’m not going to be happy.

 On the bright side. I’m down to 156, but excersize will certainly lag from the pain. And I’m not sure if I’m allowed to work out directly after. Gotta check into that. My motivation is actually up..but pain is dominating it right now. Will check back soon. Must get back into bed

So glad to be back. Sorry to anyone who has sent me comments between june 13th and now..I havent responded cause I have been banned temporarily for my last blog.

I have to admit not much changes have been made on the scale. I do however feel like I am toning a bit more. I decided to start Steve P’s Fitness Poynters Group, but I am not doing so well with the strictness of the diet.  I am switching it up a little or else I surely wont stick with it at all. I tried to take a step in the right direction by premaking my meals for the week and freezing them, and I finally got the money to go food shopping for all the things I needed for the diet, so maybe I can work it out somehow. But for right now I’m trying to keep pretty close to his diet plan with a few small adjustments of my own.

 As far as the workout plan. I am trying to balance my classes at the new gym I just joined (Bally’s) with Steve’s plans for me. Right now I am super sore from classes and am giving myself the week to try everything at Bally’s, since I just joined, before I start figuring out how to combine the two. Problem is I go with a friend and she is all about the classes. I am def starting to see why. I love them. Did pilates and straight up strength so far..

 And of course, with my recent ban from bodyspace, it has been hard to keep the motivation up. I need that support from you guys and boy I have REALLY missed some of you. Glad to be back!!