pixiglittrpants’s BodyBlog

i figured while i’m in this current state of okay-ness, i should write (so drama from my last blog, just Maddi’s comment struck a chord, and I hate leaving debbie downer $h!t as a last post).  first and foremost - thank you all so freakin much for your love and support (Laurie, i love your guts, chick).  though it sounds bad, i think it was comforting to know that people have been in my shoes - good people, beautiful people - and have come out of it okay.  i’ve read all the comments and i promise i will get back to you, because each individual comment struck a chord with me that seriously helped me (and made me cry since i’m all girly-emo and all these days :p)

i’m not going to lie, from thursday to yesterday was pure pain and agony, and total fu/cking hell.  the good was that comedy central had a marathon of stand-up comics (my absolute favorite) to quasi-distract me and that i read a couple self-help books that were very enlightening.  the bad were the emotions - cascading and swirling all around were anxiety, sadness, rage, hopefulness, shattering - going so fast and changing so quickly that i felt so dizzy from it.  jealousy was mixed in, wondering what they were doing, if he was treating her like he treats me, them getting physical and all other blechy thoughts.  the cries were the worst - i honestly don’t even know if i cried that hard when my dad died (though i’m guessing some of the tears dealt with those unresolved issues with him).  just the most painful cries coming out and with each painful sob, i tried to squeeze as much as i could inside as if i was wringing out my heart, trying to purge the pain away and hoping that that was the worst it was going to feel.  it never was - every time i woke up that sadness and loneliness were felt over again, and i would repeat the process, curling and sobbing so loudly and outright gut-wrenchingly grieving… it just sucked so bad and i wouldn’t wish that on  my worst enemy.

going out was a double-edged sword - wanting to go to the gym but as soon as i did, friends would instantly know something was wrong and tears ensued (only on saturday, i was better today).  i do feel so incredibly lucky, though, to have so many people on my side… talking about the other person and what they’re up to usually helped, and i’m lucky that friends have lined up breakfast outings and after work activities to help me talk it out.

i have to see him how he truly is - conniving, cold hearted, twisting the situation to martyr himself and make me look like an idiot. it worked before, and so many times i logically knew he was wrong yet i was the one apologizing.  it’s hard… i still love and miss him so much it hurts… but how he can turn off his feelings for me to pursue something that he alleges ‘was a random encounter and they were not flirting/being romantic (LIAR, I READ IT MYSELF), claiming he never meant to hurt me and he loves me… fu/cking LIAR.  if it isn’t her, then it will eventually be another one.  and i just can’t do that anymore.  i want someone that wants me for me, just me, and wouldn’t want to share or be shared.  someone to respect me, be proud of me, support me as much as i support them.

and i think - that’s what i learned from this (though obviously, i still have a lot to learn).  i learned that i was his helper for far too long - if we only had 2 hours to talk, it would be 90% about him, his job, his motorcycle, and 10% about me (if that, because by then the tequila would set in and all he would want to do was fu/ck).  i’m learning that being a pleaser and a supporter isn’t enough - i want a partner, to be considered a partner.  that in its very self is daunting, because i think it states responsibility, meeting someone halfway, taking action.  but, i think with living on my own now - it’s all starting to gel that i CAN do it.  and will do it.  probably should’ve done it all along but hey… i was always a late bloomer.

i don’t blame just him - obviously my fear of going out there in all of my awkwardness and insecurities trying to meet people and my complacency had something to do with it… and yeah, i loved that he liked the outdoors, was athletic, and we were pretty funny together… plus the sex was pretty damn kickarse.  but all the cons that went with it… sacrificing my morals, my values, my self-respect and dignity… i have to fu/cking wake up and realize that they far outweigh the pros.

i promise i will get to your blogs as soon as i can… i’m sorry for being so selfish right now, just blogging and not being an active community member.  but i promise, promise, i will be back and give you all the love and support you have given to me, in all of its overwhelming vastness.  i’m definitely thinking of you and hope you’re training hard and reaching your goals!  i just had to say this while i’m on this "i think i’ll be okay" mode.  i have faith it will get better , eventually… i’m very hopeful in believing so.

and hey, if ever - best diet ever since i’m rockin’ 117!  sure, it’ll come back, but hey… gotta see the silver lining whenever possible, right?  gotta keep optimistic and keep the faith…

i’m really, really, really sorry, but i’m gonna take a break right now.  might as well confess that the guy i’ve been dating for a few months… was really D again.  took him back.  like an idiot.  confirmed he cheated on me again super recently and i just can’t do this to myself anymore… i’m freakin 30, i have to get over him and move the fu/ck on.  sorry that i lied to you guys… i just hated disappointing you after all the support i got from the break-up in december.  i just need to move on… i feel numb, but i know that this is transient and that the pain will go deeper.  why am i never enough??  i know the past 5.5 years, he cared, and grew to love me… still, i was never enough.  good luck to everyone and their goals, especially gj and your upcoming comp.  love you guys, but i just gotta take a break from everything.  don’t want to burden y’all with the hurt and patheticness that will ensue.  just so pathetic i’ve been the past few years

So remember how I was all stoked about trying Stormi’s workout last post?  I tried it last Saturday and seriously - my core and thighs have never felt so sore in my life!  Well, okay my thighs have when I do 3 minutes of lunges for 3 sets, but my core - ouchies!!  It had me cursing at Stormi much like I cursed another bb.com’er when I used his routine (still do!)… but I’m not going to point any finger.

So here’s a play-by-play of what happened during her workout:

50 situps - full situps…not crunches
“This is nothing, I can do this in my sleep!  I’ll even hold a 10 pound plate across my chest as I lift up!” (famous last words…)

50 box jumps
“Never really liked these, but I can do them… 50, eh… well, okay, I can do them…”

50 situps
“Hrm, these are getting harder… (drops plate circa 20 sit-ups)… my stomach’s cramping…”

50 walking lunges
“I can do these, and with 12 pound dumbbells in each hand… hrm, it sure is taking long to walk diagonally from one corner to the other” (in the gym’s aerobic room, mostly because this one guy who I know from spin completes the same distance with one lunge as I do with 3 since he’s 6′3… but I’m not bitter)… circa 40 walking lunges, the legs are a-wobblay!!

50 situps
“Yeah, these pretty much suck now… I’ll add some bicycles so I don’t neglect my obliques” (did about 10 of them before I realized it’s better to just go with the sit-ups lol

50 burpees
First 10 burpees - “Hey, these are kinda fun, and a full-body workout!”
Next 10 burpees - “Okay, these are getting harder, and my jumps up aren’t that enthusiastic anymore…”
Next 10 burpees - “My arms are killing me, I would curse at Storm right now but I don’t want to lose count…”
Next 10 burpees - “F- the push-up part…” This is also where the jumps became more like toe-ups, and where 1 burpee took the same amount of time as two burpees in the beginning
Last 10 burpees - “Freakin a, I’m gonna feel this in the morning…”  This is also where I was SO psyched about finishing up, that I kinda bumped my chin with my knee… luckily, I didn’t bite my tongue or something, though that wouldn’t have been a surprise if it did happen!!

50 Situps
"Almost done… almost done… YAY, DONE!!  F’ the run (planned a 4-miler afterwards), I’ll just quasi-bike for a bit."

I was totally all sweaty from it and my heart was pounding especially with the burpees since they were in spurts!!  I was totally nauseous, too, especially after going to the next one, but I kinda like that feeling… I don’t know, it makes it feel like I worked hard!  Super fun, and this weekend, I vow to complete all burpees AND push-ups, goshdarnit!!  But many thanks to Stormi for something different and totally fun… well, now that I can laugh without wincing!!

Yeah, can you tell I only took a year of Spanish in college (3 years of French in high school, though the only thing I can recall were a lot of "haw haw haw’s!" French-mock laughters ).  But last night before the guy came over, I made a list of the things that have been going on in my life and decided to separate them with the things I can control and the things that I can’t.  I always picture my thoughts as light beams (kinda like the 80’s style Space Mountain ride) and sometimes they go so fast and all at once, that my focus gets lost and I become frustrated.  So by writing all the stuff down, it definitely helped to manage all the frustrations and, funny enough, like 80% of the stuff were things beyond my control.  And if it’s beyond my control… why go nutty about it, you know?  I guess I do because it’s stuff going on in my family or friends’ lives, and I just want the best for them… but, I guess all I can really do is be there for them and listen.  So, yeah… I just gotta let it go!  But thank you SO much for your comforting words and support - it means a ton (plus 13.4 fl. oz.) to this chickie!

So Happy Fluff Friday Week 4, everyone!!  My workouts were on point (though I did go above my cardio allocations and ran 30 miles and biked 45 trying to exorcise via exercise the previously noted frustrations… but I used 60’s for the tricep pushdown 21’s with a straight bar and supine grip on Wednesday!), but the diet had one hiccup in the form of tempura shrimp and veggies and white rice (though I did eat the green salad since it counters it, right? j/k).  I haven’t stepped on the scale or measured today since the guy came over last night to hook up my computer (access to the triple dub (www.) at home, woot woot!), assemble my baker’s rack (now known as the bar ), and hang my bike mount (kind of an eye sore in the studio since I wanted it to look really girly, but I didn’t want to leave it out in the patio since I’m on ground floor).  I love me a guy with some McGuyver skills!  I will check during my next Savage check-in, though, and post pics.  I do think I’m progressing, though, since my jeans are looser even after drying them (usually I have to do a little wiggle dance to get in them ).  But I hope everyone has a fantabulous weekend - nothing but relaxing and couch shopping for me this weekend (and attempting Stormi’s workout), yay!!

Thanks everyone for the well wishes on the move… it went well and the place is coming along (admittedly, I still sleep with a light on, though, hee).  Diet/workouts have been okay, but mentally/spiritually/emotionally I have not been in a very good place.  It’s fixable… manageable… but things are going on that’s rather overwhelming.  I’m determined to resolve it soon.

Buzzkill aside, I wanted to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY to VT DAD!!!  You are such a solid and amazing rock of support, and I have nothing but absolute adoration and respect for you, my friend!!  Thank you so much for always listening to me, for commiserating in running processes, and for being an awesome role model both in running and life.  I hope you have a great one, awesomest of awesome person in the world!!

I will catch up with everyone this weekend, but I hope you all are doing well and I’m sorry for not responding back sooner… I love y’all!!

Happy Summer Solstice, everyone!!  These next few months are my absolute favorite, both because work tends to be slower and people are walking around half-nekkid - yay!

So I wanted to thank you for the very motivating messages from my last pics… it is true, I’m definitely way harder on myself than most people.  However, I’m vowing to be more positive and easier on myself (and catching the self-neg talk faster), so again, thank you!

That being said… yeah, I totally went off the diet once… okay twice… okay thrice this week.  I could blame it on my upcoming move or stress at work, but ultimately - my evil, hedonistic side won out on all occasions, laughing maniacally with cookie crumbs spattering out of her mouth as she gobbled them all up like it was her job (she’s also a slob with poor table manners)!  Thankfully, I didn’t gain and my stats are the same since I had some cardio-tastic workouts after each glutton-fest (plus completed all weights workouts, and today was killer with a 7 mile run and 8 mile bike!).  I didn’t have time to take pics this morning, and sadly, I can’t even dazzle you with Mud Run pics since they were supposed to be ready yesterday but aren’t.   I’ll post them when they’re ready, though!

Anyway, bachelorette party this weekend and I get to MOVE on Sunday!!  So incredibly stoked though I waited too long and won’t have cable/internet hook-ups til Wednesday.  Oh well, my shadow puppet skills were getting rusty, anyway…  I hope everyone has a great weekend, I will send fluffy lovin’s as soon as I can, and BEST OF LUCK to the dieselicious and extremely beautiful ilovecarbs on her upcoming competition this weekend!!  It has been truly amazing to read about your process and training, and I just know that you will truly shine on stage!  Much love and have a blast, my friend!!

First of all - Happy Belated Birthday to Pheidippides!!  If you have not read his triathlon experience, you should - it’s amazingly written!  And another Happy Belated to the very artistic and fellow fluffer Lovejones!!  

No pics on the Mud Run yet… I guess the web people don’t operate on Pixi Standard Time (which is “I want now!” ).  However, here’s some pics for this week’s Fight the Fluff Challenge (sorry, had to do it early since I’ll be out of town this weekend, and I have to wear a bathing suit for my progress pics on the Savage Challenge so figured might as well kill two birds with one stone):

Felt very puffy pufferton after seeing the pics, but hey - it motivated me to do my ab exercises this morning and stay away from the cake at lunch!   So the second week of Fight the Fluff has been a mixed bag.  I forgot to mention I tweaked my ankle during the mud run, so I had to take a few days off cardio (okay, two before I hopped on a bike…).  I did have a couple of slip-ups in the form of cheese sticks and chocolate cake after the Mud Run, but I weighed in this morning and though it read 120.2 (grrr), I also measured and it’s a very solid 25″ at the “skinniest” part and between a quarter-inch and half-inch more right above the belly button (I got cross-eyed reading the tiny hash-marks … and I actually a tad below 25″ in the skinniest part, but I’ll save all that excitement for when it fully clears :p).

The next couple of weeks will be crazy at work and at home since I have a couple of bachelorette parties to go to and I’m moving on the 22nd (YAY!! *does the Dumb and Dumber dance where Jim Carrey sports the rockin’ tuxedo*), but I’m determined to stay focused since the guy is gone for a couple of weeks and I want to look bangin’ for his homecoming.

Anyway, I hope my fellow fluffers are doing awesomely and that everyone has a wonderful weekend!!  I will be sure to send my fluffy lovin’s upon coming home!  

And I have to say it - Happy of Happiest Early Birthday to GJ!!  Thanks for
helping me come out of my free weights shell, because I absolutely love it! You are inspiring, intelligent, determined, caring, and gorgeous, and I wish you great success in your competition prep.

I tried to wait and blog about the Camp Pendleton Mud Run when I got the event pictures back, but yeah right, when could I ever keep my big trap shut!   The Mud Run was SO much FUN, that I still have an endorphin rush just thinking about it (though okay, straight after, I was laying at the beach totally knocked out… I think I drooled j/k)!!!  It was way more fun this year than when I ran a few years back, mostly because 1) it was with 4 other super fun girlies that aren’t afraid to get dirty and 2) I wasn’t getting constantly yelled at by my then-boyfriend like last time (who was in the Marines, along with a couple Marines and a girlfriend of one that made up the team) so I actually enjoyed the course!!  I was a bit scared about it because I drank a couple of tequila shots the night before (the guy is so persuasively charming… but that’s my Fluffer Cheat of the Week, honest!), but I drank 3 glasses of water as soon as I got up and I rocked it!  

The course was more fun than I remembered, though it’s probably because I’m way more fit now - the sun was blazing though it was windy as we ran 6 miles of hills (some steep, some gradual) and went through such obstacles that include, but are not limited to: a tire course, 2 5-foot walls (I admittedly had to get an assist for one, boo!), tons of mud pits, a trek across the lake (I totally don’t remember that, so much fun wading through it!), a 30-foot mud pit that we had to crawl through, and a super-slippery-disgusting mud hill (incline seemed like 7%) that gets doused with a fire hose every few minutes…. it was AWESOME!!  My group split up early on because it was so crowded and we got lost, so I was with two other chicks (who I didn’t really know) and we were at the finish line in 1 hour, 10-15 minutes (plus we went back and forth or stopped at a lot of points to see if we could see the other chicks, but unfortunately we couldn’t).  However, since we had to cross together, we had to wait 20 or so minutes at the end for the last two to catch up (one of the chicks had the flu the previous week which is why she couldn’t run as hard, but that’s damn phenomenal considering the circumstances!).  It was glorious, dirty, filthy fun, and I hope to do it again one day (because damn it, my shorty-doo-wop-self needs to scale both walls - Juls, feel free to lend me some inches from your long legs for the next race! j/k)!!

As soon as the pics are posted, I’ll definitely share them - it was so incredibly fun, and I hope all of you had an equally fun weekend!! xo

Hola guacamola!  So I have to make this a proactive update on my Fight the Fluff Challenge since I’ll have to actually work the next couple of days and at night I’m hosting my out-of-town friends for this weekend’s Mud Run (6 miles in the mud with obstacles like running through tires, climbing over a wall, trekking in mud under a net, etc. before you get blasted in the end with a fire hose!)!  

As of this morning, I weighed in at 119.6 and measured 25.75" (where SpinCycler informed me I should really be measuring rather than the smallest part of my waist), so I’m pretty pleased with that.  However, I cannot tell a lie - I totally indulged in a small sliver of brie and a not-so-small-chunk of chocolate cake at my office party today.   I think a part of me innately knew I was going to do it since I haven’t had any treats in 2.5 weeks and I’m a raging chocoholic, but I’m still kind of bummed that I blew it on the first week on the Fluff Challenge (sorry, fellow fluffers ).  However, I’m trying my best to think of one of Savage’s messages, which was something like “we want you 80% all the time, not 100% some of the time”, so I’m considering this my 20%.  Plus, I know the Catholic remnants in me will guiltily run my scheduled 5 miler tomorrow, and probably an additional 2-3 miles extra (or bike an hour extra) to make up for it.

Other than that, I have been eating clean and the workouts are going great, especially the legs workouts (leg extensions/squats supersets, Bulgarian Split Squats, and 4 sets of 2 minute lunges with calves supersets)!  After the workout I was like, “hrm, I don’t feel as sore as last week, maybe I should’ve increased the weights I was holding”… yeah, 24 hours later, I was definitely singing a different tune, especially walking up and down the stairs!   Plus I’m not struggling as much when doing ab workouts (something I admit to neglecting more than I should), so yay!

As a parting thought - check out LoveJones596’s spectacular artwork - so incredibly creative!!  If I tried anything like that, people would be like "Is that a tapeworm choking a handball?" (ha, does anyone remember handball?!  Good times, good times…).  Anyway, I won’t take pictures of my Buddha belly tonight, but I will do so this weekend and give a full account of the Mud Run with my girlies (as well as give my Fluffy McFlufferton support to my Fluffer Girlies)!  Hope everyone has a fantabulous weekend!

Hee, so why does this Challenge remind me of "Lilo and Stitch" when Stitch says something like "I’m cute and FLUFFY!" (You have to hear it in his voice, but oh man, did anyone else cry, like, a million times during that movie?!  Oh right, focus…).

So today marks Day 1 of the Cut the Fluff Challenge!  The beautimous TLC spearheaded this challenge of ladies that have different methods of the same goal, which is to work diligently the next 6 weeks and cut the fluff around the midsection.  Thanks for the awesome idea, TLC!!

My action plan is to follow the Savage Summer Challenge Plan I’m currently on…. I’m not going to touch the workout plan, but diet-wise I’m cutting out rice cakes and PB.  I think my pea brain thinks “mmm, it’s circular like a cookie and there’s cake in the name, so gorge like a ziggy piggy!” and polishes off the whole thing in one sitting.  So - no more!  Aside from whey protein, cottage cheese, and couscous/brown rice, I’m not going to eat any processed foods (since the list is mostly veggies, fruit, potatoes, fish, eggs, etc., anyway - very Body-For-Life-ish).

Right now, I’m packin’ a 25.25″-25.5″ waist and weighing a buck and two dimes (give or take a penny ).  Here’s my starting pics (definitely not as pleased with them as the previous progress pics, but hey, this is why I’m doing the challenge! ):

I hope to get my waist in the 24" region, and weigh that ever-elusive 115.  Overall, though, if I could just get rid of that muffin top whenever I sit down, I will be one happy pixi.  So - it’s on!  Today kick-started this challenge off well with 4 sets of 15 of: leg raises, v-sits, decline sit-ups, and stability ball crunches (I also did side twists that always reminds me of Tommy Boy’s "fat man in a little suit" with that broomstick thingy).  A spin bike magically fell under me today, too, so I ended up doing one more cardio session than the prescribed 4x of cardio… it’s still better than my 2x overage from last week, though!

Anyway - I hope everyone has a great weekend!!  Time to holla at the Fluff Ladies!