thank you so much
i figured while i’m in this current state of okay-ness, i should write (so drama from my last blog, just Maddi’s comment struck a chord, and I hate leaving debbie downer $h!t as a last post). first and foremost - thank you all so freakin much for your love and support (Laurie, i love your guts, chick). though it sounds bad, i think it was comforting to know that people have been in my shoes - good people, beautiful people - and have come out of it okay. i’ve read all the comments and i promise i will get back to you, because each individual comment struck a chord with me that seriously helped me (and made me cry since i’m all girly-emo and all these days :p)
i’m not going to lie, from thursday to yesterday was pure pain and agony, and total fu/cking hell. the good was that comedy central had a marathon of stand-up comics (my absolute favorite) to quasi-distract me and that i read a couple self-help books that were very enlightening. the bad were the emotions - cascading and swirling all around were anxiety, sadness, rage, hopefulness, shattering - going so fast and changing so quickly that i felt so dizzy from it. jealousy was mixed in, wondering what they were doing, if he was treating her like he treats me, them getting physical and all other blechy thoughts. the cries were the worst - i honestly don’t even know if i cried that hard when my dad died (though i’m guessing some of the tears dealt with those unresolved issues with him). just the most painful cries coming out and with each painful sob, i tried to squeeze as much as i could inside as if i was wringing out my heart, trying to purge the pain away and hoping that that was the worst it was going to feel. it never was - every time i woke up that sadness and loneliness were felt over again, and i would repeat the process, curling and sobbing so loudly and outright gut-wrenchingly grieving… it just sucked so bad and i wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.
going out was a double-edged sword - wanting to go to the gym but as soon as i did, friends would instantly know something was wrong and tears ensued (only on saturday, i was better today). i do feel so incredibly lucky, though, to have so many people on my side… talking about the other person and what they’re up to usually helped, and i’m lucky that friends have lined up breakfast outings and after work activities to help me talk it out.
i have to see him how he truly is - conniving, cold hearted, twisting the situation to martyr himself and make me look like an idiot. it worked before, and so many times i logically knew he was wrong yet i was the one apologizing. it’s hard… i still love and miss him so much it hurts… but how he can turn off his feelings for me to pursue something that he alleges ‘was a random encounter and they were not flirting/being romantic (LIAR, I READ IT MYSELF), claiming he never meant to hurt me and he loves me… fu/cking LIAR. if it isn’t her, then it will eventually be another one. and i just can’t do that anymore. i want someone that wants me for me, just me, and wouldn’t want to share or be shared. someone to respect me, be proud of me, support me as much as i support them.
and i think - that’s what i learned from this (though obviously, i still have a lot to learn). i learned that i was his helper for far too long - if we only had 2 hours to talk, it would be 90% about him, his job, his motorcycle, and 10% about me (if that, because by then the tequila would set in and all he would want to do was fu/ck). i’m learning that being a pleaser and a supporter isn’t enough - i want a partner, to be considered a partner. that in its very self is daunting, because i think it states responsibility, meeting someone halfway, taking action. but, i think with living on my own now - it’s all starting to gel that i CAN do it. and will do it. probably should’ve done it all along but hey… i was always a late bloomer. 
i don’t blame just him - obviously my fear of going out there in all of my awkwardness and insecurities trying to meet people and my complacency had something to do with it… and yeah, i loved that he liked the outdoors, was athletic, and we were pretty funny together… plus the sex was pretty damn kickarse. but all the cons that went with it… sacrificing my morals, my values, my self-respect and dignity… i have to fu/cking wake up and realize that they far outweigh the pros.
i promise i will get to your blogs as soon as i can… i’m sorry for being so selfish right now, just blogging and not being an active community member. but i promise, promise, i will be back and give you all the love and support you have given to me, in all of its overwhelming vastness. i’m definitely thinking of you and hope you’re training hard and reaching your goals! i just had to say this while i’m on this "i think i’ll be okay" mode. i have faith it will get better , eventually… i’m very hopeful in believing so.
and hey, if ever - best diet ever since i’m rockin’ 117! sure, it’ll come back, but hey… gotta see the silver lining whenever possible, right? gotta keep optimistic and keep the faith…
July 7, 2008 at 3:18 pm
Pix, I am SO glad you to read this blog from you! I have been thinking about you, and sending all of my positive energy to you! Keep yourself focused on the things you wrote in this blog - you GO, gorgeous girl! We have ALL been with someone shitty, and there isn’t one of us who hasn’t come out stronger, better, wiser and better for it. I *know* this will be true of YOU! Keep strong, beautiful, and this will be an amazing turning point in your life whe you look back on this!
July 7, 2008 at 3:25 pm
Pix, he didn’t deserve you in the first place, and you’re better off without him. While I only know you from the snippets on this site, you’re 100% awesome (AWESOME, OK?) - you’ll move on and be fine, and this joker is likely to have a life full of unfulfillling relationships. Wish it was easy to just make everything better, but you’ll get there. Do right for yourself for a while, and I guarantee you’ll find the people who will do right by you. All the best.
July 7, 2008 at 3:52 pm
Yay! I’m glad to hear from you! I have been wondering how you have been holding up! And I do think what Maddi said was right… Some guys (and girls too) just can’t stay faithful. There are lots of bad relationships out there, and many of them are NOT marked with infidelity. Be glad that you are dealing with this now (as perverse as that may sound)… and not later, like when you are married or have kids… your leaving him leaves room for someone truly wonderful and deserving to enter your life. Hang in there. Your moments of feeling ok will only increase with the passage of time. You are in my thoughts.
July 7, 2008 at 4:54 pm
Glad to hear you are at least above water for the time being.
Couple things (and again this is from someone that has been there). One, it doesn’t get better, just easier to put in it’s place. Because you loved, you will always love. But that’s the great part of life. Those that can love, can really enjoy life.
Next, you will always do some of the wondering of why. Forget it, that question will never be answered, so don’t think about it. 20 years for me, and I still wonder why. But I don’t dwell on it.
Same thing for me, my ex loved the same things I did. My wife is quite a bit different. I think that is why I love her even more. Because she brings something new to the relationship, and not something that I already am. I get to learn to enjoy the things she loves, and get to show her the things that I do.
Hang in there kiddo, life has it funny ways of leading where you need to be. If you read my other response to your other blog, you will see how things do tend to work themself out. I just hope I get to read the blog you will make when this is all behind you, and you have found that perfect someone.
July 7, 2008 at 5:23 pm
I hope you feel better! Keep the faith!
July 7, 2008 at 5:34 pm
Hang in there! I am sending some positive vibes your way. I think it is really healthy to let it all out. Talk to someone, ya know?
You are not being selfish! You are taking care of you. Everyone needs to put themselves first. We can’t help others if we aren’t right with ourselves, so take the time you need. We will all be here when you get back:)
July 7, 2008 at 7:49 pm
It’s soo good to read your blog Pix!! Just remember one thing…he did it to you, he’ll do it to her. That’s how they are. You deserve to be treated as an equal! You are BEAUTIFUL, INTELLIGENT, FUNNY, you radiate sunshine from your soul. This will take time, I know but remember for everyday your mourning him, your wasting your precious time on a big NOTHING! Hey did I mention your strong? Ok, your strong too. We’re all thinking of you! You know where to find me if you need to.
Ps…I’m still saving money for you. Lol!
July 7, 2008 at 8:05 pm
Yes! Such a great post, dearest Pixi! You are definitely in the right place, it’s freaking scary, yes, but you are a strong woman, and your head is on straight (maybe a bit distracted at times, but hey—oh SPARKLY!! Wait…where was I?
) and you ROCK. It’s been a LONG time, and it’s ok to grieve for that chunk of you that is now gone, but now you know what to look out for and you are BETTER for it 
July 8, 2008 at 7:34 pm
My heart goes out to you Pix…my heart that is still a total mess too…my heart that does not seem to stop bleeding and crying and i’m so tired of crying…
Everything you wrote I felt…I feel…i understand what you are going threw….
I cannot respond more…it hurts so deeply…and reading your words…BIG hugs…we will find our bubbly optimistic loving selves again soon!! We will!! Stay as strong as you can!! Your blogging and sharing is helping more than you know as I want to scream out all the same words you have just written!
July 9, 2008 at 12:00 am
You are not selfish at all!!! c’mon now! I think I know why you like this site. People do listen to you. I feel very heartbroken for you right now but I know you have become stronger because of it. If you ever need to get away, my door is open for you chica!!
July 9, 2008 at 4:25 am
Hey Pix! It’s already been said: you’re a strong woman, you’re better off, and you will feel better with time. Love can be so painful because you open yourself up enough to allow someone in so close to your heart(maybe not the right person, but you never know until it’s too late). Keep your chin up and remember you are a wonderful girl.
July 9, 2008 at 5:01 pm
Pixie you need to look in a miroir and see what others here see in you. You are strong, daring, fun, loyal, trusting, compassionate, caring, witty, and beautiful. Beauty that goes way beyond the surface. Time to move forward. Time to start enjoying the journey again. Good luck taking things at your own pace.
July 9, 2008 at 6:50 pm
I’m so glad you’re back! You’re not being selfish at all, you should take as much time as you need. You are so strong!!
July 9, 2008 at 9:04 pm
Keep your head up and BELIEVE in yourself.
You will feel like this for awhile but like laurie says for every day you waste mourning he is not worth it and will do it again to her. I hear your pain and i had tears in my eyes as it is tough and i feel your pain. you truly are a strong girl and you have so much to give the right person. You will find him. We all are and support and give you much needed strength when things are tough. hope you have that bounce back in your step and the smile and sunshine in your soul back. thanks for the blog to know you are ok…much love.
hugs susan
July 10, 2008 at 6:52 am
You are one Awsome person!! I think the world of your bravery and your heart! The flying Butterfly was just a bonus….lol No need to say stay strong….. becuase I know you will!
Gorilla Love to you!!!
July 10, 2008 at 5:50 pm
Heya Pixie,
I couldn’t help but to respond after reading your blog. Like everyone says, you’re #1. Be angry, be sad,…do what you gotta do but know that things are going to be better not because of karma but because you know how to make the best of every situation. Think of it this way,…more time for you… time’s your most precious asset and there’s no sense on wasting it on someone who doesn’t deserve it. When was the last time you rewarded yourself with a spa treatment? A full body massage with a manicure and pedicure….you know, the burke williams sort of thing?
I’ll finish with this:
You just ‘upped’ your stock value; The fact that you were able to let go of a faulty investment shows your self worth and independence. The more times you do it, the easier it gets; You’ll have no problem letting go of the next guy who even thinks about playing you.
Hope this helps.
DAVE
July 11, 2008 at 7:24 am
I am so glad to hear that you have bounced back pixi! You know that you have a lot of people that care so much about you! Don’t let one jackass rule your world! We all love you! You are beautiful you are strong and you are a winner! Never forget that my friend!
July 12, 2008 at 10:02 am
When in pain and sorrow, do what I do: Go to fight club with vivid mental picture of pain and sorrow instigator…..Of course I must mention, that the first rule of fight club is to not talk about fight club….So obviously this conversation never took place! Hope your day is tap-out free my HAWT looking Bond Girl friend who makes me weak when adorned in Glittery underthings…..Sorry, had to add the underthings, I couldn’t help it.
July 12, 2008 at 3:19 pm
Great to hear from you again.. you are an awesome person in so many ways and someone who cannot realize this and meet you on at least half of your qualities isn’t worth your time.. you definitely got a lot out in your blog and it seems like a positive thing to get it out.. reading it I remember a time when I did the same over losing someone.. damn the hurt.. I’d say once in a while I still think back.. or run across an old picture.. but what I think now is how much better of a person I became as a result of that.. and all the sleepless nights and pain and tears were in some way just a means to an end.. and a new beginning.. if you get my drift…. I’m not even sure I do… haha..
Hey.. keep your chin up.. you’ll have no trouble attracting someone special that will compliment you for who you are!!.. and don’t accept anything less!!!
I hope you will continue with us on a new challenge, once we devise one.. You are in out thoughts!!
Thanks so much for your support.. !!!
July 12, 2008 at 9:52 pm
Hey girl. Yes, I still check in on you! So sorry to hear you’re going through this breakup…but you deserve so much better. I’ve always thought so. It will hurt, probably for a while. But I know you’re gonna be stronger for it. xo