pixiglittrpants’s BodyBlog

Just practicing my Hawaiinese j/k (pixi fun fact: ten or so years ago when I was dating this not-so-smart-but-hot dude, he asked me if I spoke filipinese when I told him I was filipina!  And people wonder why I don’t want to get back in the dating scene so quickly… also reminds me of this one chick my friend dated who, upon informing her he was Norwegian, she asked where Norwegia was. )

Oh right - focus!  So I’m off to beautimous Hawaii for my friend’s wedding, and I’m so stoked!!  20 college friends and I rented a couple cottages there, and we hope to go on some fun hikes, zip lining (pending on time/fundage), and of course, getting our tan on and enjoying a drop or two at the open bar at the reception.   I’m hoping to sneak in some fun runs in the morn, but we’ll see depending on humidity.

I’ve been working super hard since I’m pretty sure I’m not going to the gym while I’m there (cold is gone - thank you, Zicam!), and was so stoked when I used 75 lbs. for the supine grip tricep pushdowns (12 reps!  only for one set, though, and it was my first exercise lol)!  There’s this one new chick at the gym that said I have great potential (she’s super lean and buff, she’s done a couple competitions), to which I replied I have enough trouble walking on flat shoes, let alone 4 inch heels and, knowing me, I’d probably blind myself with the sparklies on my suit and trip.  She laughed and her laughing at my joke obviously made her one of the cool kids , so I hope to get to know her better and hopefully she can give me some training tips!

I also told my marathon friend/"coach" about my Triple Crown goal for next year (Carlsbad half in January, La Jolla half in April, and America’s Finest in August), to which he smugly replied, "well, those goals are alright, but they’re half’s (halves?) and I know you can run more…"  So of course this has me thinking - hrm, I have a free flight voucher to anywhere in the U.S., why not do a marathon with Wendy or VTD or my other fellow runners on this site??  So, I’m marinating on that…

Anyway, I will write as soon as I get back, but until then - I’ll send you motivating training vibes as I play ‘worthless lump’ at the beach, especially to all the Last Man Standing and Baby Got Back contenders!!   Oh!  And D and all the drama - done, f’ing done.  Love your guts!

T.G. to the I. Fri-dizzay, my friends!  So many exciting things going on in this community lately, and it’s so awesome!!  Laurie is kickin’ off her first contest for Controlled Labs, a bunch of my awesome friends are doing the Last Man Standing and Baby Got Back Challenges held by Juls and LJ, Trixter is up to his ol’ tricks of hardcore workouts, we had a BodyAuditor blog sighting and it was hilarious per usual, and Mike and Hard Core Mutha are training insanely for their upcoming comps!  Definitely stimuli overload up in here!

I’ve unfortunately been a smidge sick, which is no bueno because Hawaii is coming up!  I’ve managed to do my workouts, though I’m way sweatier than usual.  The logical side in me says I should probably fully rest a day or so to fully kick this stuff outta my system, but then the a.d.d. hyper side forgets and says, "yay, time for the gym!" when the alarm goes off.  I will try my best to stay still one of the weekend days!

Personal life, so much drama in the LBC with D and that chick!  D is sweet talking me back and man he knows how to push my buttons (both in the good and bad way), and the chick emails me.  I won’t lie - I still love him so much, but I just gotta get over the situation.  Online dating stuff is still proving to be amusing, and I think I might meet a couple before Hawaii (pending on me feeling better).  I’m not expecting to meet ‘the one’ anytime soon, but I do want to socialize a bit more.  Let those dating adventures and debacles begin!

I have to earn my dollar and work and stuff today, but I will catch up with you love bunnies this weekend!  I  hope everyone has a sick-free and phenomenal weekend, and all the Bash attendees - PICS!!  LOTS AND LOTS O’ PICS!!!  Please

What up, home fries?  I hope everyone is having/had a great weekend - yesterday I went to my friends’ wedding and it was a blast!  They got together freshman year (11 years ago!), and it was so awesome to see them get married since I totally grew up with them.  Both of them are hard core LA sports people, so the wedding was a Laker theme!!  The bridesmaids wore purple dresses and had bright yellow/goldish bouquets, and the bride had a beautiful mermaid dress with a purple/bright yellow bouquet.  The best part was at the reception - they entered with the NBA theme (which I just googled as Roundball Rock) playing in the background, and they ran out high fiving the groomsmen/bridesmaid, did chest bumps, etc!  Awesome

Other than that, not much going on lately… ups and downs with the break-up, but online dating is proving to be amusing.  The best was this guy who wrote this super long email about how beautiful I am, how we have this and that in common, etc.  I told him that he seemed sweet, but I’m not really interested and good luck with his search, to which he replied "thanks for emailing, but I’m not interested."  WTF?!  I also had a date with a guy today, but I’m kind of partied out for the weekend so I asked for a rain check.  I still think it’s too soon to date for me, but it’s a good distraction, at least, and hey… girl’s gotta eat! j/k

My friend at the gym (super fast marathoner, 3 hours in the Boston, I think) hasn’t taken a break from working out since 1984, and suggested I follow his streak to take my mind off the break up!  He was even hospitalized at some points after a marathon and STILL managed to work out, so I thought that was super impressive… we’ll see!  I am itching to sign up for a half-marathon in January, so perhaps that will be my next goal (I like to have at least one day off a week from working out!).  Whatever keeps me off the streets.

Hope everyone’s training hard and keeping outta trouble!

Hello lovey-buggaboos!  WOW, you’ve been working hard this week, eh?  Turn around… do it again… niiiiiice.

So I’m not going to lie - this week was nothing but waterworks at the most awkward moments!  And I’m not going to lie to myself and say that last week was the end of said waterworks because I’m sure it will be like this for awhile.  But as the saying goes, time heals all wounds, and I can confidently say I feel worlds better this weekend than the very traumatic last weekend, and am more hopeful and confident that I have nowhere to go but up… him constantly trying to contact me helps - what a jerk!  

A few things have helped with that, mostly in the form of self-help books, signing up for therapy sessions, journalling, my unbelievably strong network of family/gym buds/coworkers/friends/Y’ALL, weight lifting, running, and music.  Music in the car, during my workouts, at home while journalling - it’s amazing how musicians evoke such emotions and thoughts that make you realize that all the feelings you’re going through - they’re a normal part of the process, and it can be overcome.  My latest is Fergie’s "Big Girls Don’t Cry"… deep down, this had to do with my dependency issues, my unresolved past and my clinging to guys despite being against my best interests.  It’s a pretty touching song, and it’s just really stuck with me…. along with Britney’s "Stronger" (that’s right, I said it! ).  "Yellow Ledbetter" by Pearl Jam, "Lost Cause" by Beck, and "Too Late" by OneRepublic also resonated with me.

Despite me being somewhat on "cruise control" at work (luckily it’s the slow season and my coworkers/boss are amazingly understanding), I didn’t slack off on my workouts and, actually, that was probably my salvation, reason to wake up and get up every morning.  My gym buds are amazing and I actually lifted harder and ran faster this week!  Plus the triathlete I’ve been ogling/salivating over for the past three years actually smiled at me (he’s actually tried before, but I always get all geisha and look down… so this time I smiled back and he smiled bigger and then I looked down geisha-style ), plus told me about this article on ultrarunning, so yay!

But, despite me trying to be less awkward around hot men, and my parents’ insistence that I try online dating (where they met)… my heart’s just not in it.  I’ve signed up and stuff, but I think it will be awhile before I’m interested in dating again.  I think, for now, I just need to do a lot of soul-searching and internal renovation, figuring out why I do the things I do, catching it quicker, and trying to do things solely for my best interest (meaning - no more bad boys! ).  I have to learn to love being by myself, and moreover love myself, so that’s going to be my project for awhile.  

Anyway - I’ve missed you guys and gals!  Time to catch up

i figured while i’m in this current state of okay-ness, i should write (so drama from my last blog, just Maddi’s comment struck a chord, and I hate leaving debbie downer $h!t as a last post).  first and foremost - thank you all so freakin much for your love and support (Laurie, i love your guts, chick).  though it sounds bad, i think it was comforting to know that people have been in my shoes - good people, beautiful people - and have come out of it okay.  i’ve read all the comments and i promise i will get back to you, because each individual comment struck a chord with me that seriously helped me (and made me cry since i’m all girly-emo and all these days :p)

i’m not going to lie, from thursday to yesterday was pure pain and agony, and total fu/cking hell.  the good was that comedy central had a marathon of stand-up comics (my absolute favorite) to quasi-distract me and that i read a couple self-help books that were very enlightening.  the bad were the emotions - cascading and swirling all around were anxiety, sadness, rage, hopefulness, shattering - going so fast and changing so quickly that i felt so dizzy from it.  jealousy was mixed in, wondering what they were doing, if he was treating her like he treats me, them getting physical and all other blechy thoughts.  the cries were the worst - i honestly don’t even know if i cried that hard when my dad died (though i’m guessing some of the tears dealt with those unresolved issues with him).  just the most painful cries coming out and with each painful sob, i tried to squeeze as much as i could inside as if i was wringing out my heart, trying to purge the pain away and hoping that that was the worst it was going to feel.  it never was - every time i woke up that sadness and loneliness were felt over again, and i would repeat the process, curling and sobbing so loudly and outright gut-wrenchingly grieving… it just sucked so bad and i wouldn’t wish that on  my worst enemy.

going out was a double-edged sword - wanting to go to the gym but as soon as i did, friends would instantly know something was wrong and tears ensued (only on saturday, i was better today).  i do feel so incredibly lucky, though, to have so many people on my side… talking about the other person and what they’re up to usually helped, and i’m lucky that friends have lined up breakfast outings and after work activities to help me talk it out.

i have to see him how he truly is - conniving, cold hearted, twisting the situation to martyr himself and make me look like an idiot. it worked before, and so many times i logically knew he was wrong yet i was the one apologizing.  it’s hard… i still love and miss him so much it hurts… but how he can turn off his feelings for me to pursue something that he alleges ‘was a random encounter and they were not flirting/being romantic (LIAR, I READ IT MYSELF), claiming he never meant to hurt me and he loves me… fu/cking LIAR.  if it isn’t her, then it will eventually be another one.  and i just can’t do that anymore.  i want someone that wants me for me, just me, and wouldn’t want to share or be shared.  someone to respect me, be proud of me, support me as much as i support them.

and i think - that’s what i learned from this (though obviously, i still have a lot to learn).  i learned that i was his helper for far too long - if we only had 2 hours to talk, it would be 90% about him, his job, his motorcycle, and 10% about me (if that, because by then the tequila would set in and all he would want to do was fu/ck).  i’m learning that being a pleaser and a supporter isn’t enough - i want a partner, to be considered a partner.  that in its very self is daunting, because i think it states responsibility, meeting someone halfway, taking action.  but, i think with living on my own now - it’s all starting to gel that i CAN do it.  and will do it.  probably should’ve done it all along but hey… i was always a late bloomer.

i don’t blame just him - obviously my fear of going out there in all of my awkwardness and insecurities trying to meet people and my complacency had something to do with it… and yeah, i loved that he liked the outdoors, was athletic, and we were pretty funny together… plus the sex was pretty damn kickarse.  but all the cons that went with it… sacrificing my morals, my values, my self-respect and dignity… i have to fu/cking wake up and realize that they far outweigh the pros.

i promise i will get to your blogs as soon as i can… i’m sorry for being so selfish right now, just blogging and not being an active community member.  but i promise, promise, i will be back and give you all the love and support you have given to me, in all of its overwhelming vastness.  i’m definitely thinking of you and hope you’re training hard and reaching your goals!  i just had to say this while i’m on this "i think i’ll be okay" mode.  i have faith it will get better , eventually… i’m very hopeful in believing so.

and hey, if ever - best diet ever since i’m rockin’ 117!  sure, it’ll come back, but hey… gotta see the silver lining whenever possible, right?  gotta keep optimistic and keep the faith…

i’m really, really, really sorry, but i’m gonna take a break right now.  might as well confess that the guy i’ve been dating for a few months… was really D again.  took him back.  like an idiot.  confirmed he cheated on me again super recently and i just can’t do this to myself anymore… i’m freakin 30, i have to get over him and move the fu/ck on.  sorry that i lied to you guys… i just hated disappointing you after all the support i got from the break-up in december.  i just need to move on… i feel numb, but i know that this is transient and that the pain will go deeper.  why am i never enough??  i know the past 5.5 years, he cared, and grew to love me… still, i was never enough.  good luck to everyone and their goals, especially gj and your upcoming comp.  love you guys, but i just gotta take a break from everything.  don’t want to burden y’all with the hurt and patheticness that will ensue.  just so pathetic i’ve been the past few years

So remember how I was all stoked about trying Stormi’s workout last post?  I tried it last Saturday and seriously - my core and thighs have never felt so sore in my life!  Well, okay my thighs have when I do 3 minutes of lunges for 3 sets, but my core - ouchies!!  It had me cursing at Stormi much like I cursed another bb.com’er when I used his routine (still do!)… but I’m not going to point any finger.

So here’s a play-by-play of what happened during her workout:

50 situps - full situps…not crunches
“This is nothing, I can do this in my sleep!  I’ll even hold a 10 pound plate across my chest as I lift up!” (famous last words…)

50 box jumps
“Never really liked these, but I can do them… 50, eh… well, okay, I can do them…”

50 situps
“Hrm, these are getting harder… (drops plate circa 20 sit-ups)… my stomach’s cramping…”

50 walking lunges
“I can do these, and with 12 pound dumbbells in each hand… hrm, it sure is taking long to walk diagonally from one corner to the other” (in the gym’s aerobic room, mostly because this one guy who I know from spin completes the same distance with one lunge as I do with 3 since he’s 6′3… but I’m not bitter)… circa 40 walking lunges, the legs are a-wobblay!!

50 situps
“Yeah, these pretty much suck now… I’ll add some bicycles so I don’t neglect my obliques” (did about 10 of them before I realized it’s better to just go with the sit-ups lol

50 burpees
First 10 burpees - “Hey, these are kinda fun, and a full-body workout!”
Next 10 burpees - “Okay, these are getting harder, and my jumps up aren’t that enthusiastic anymore…”
Next 10 burpees - “My arms are killing me, I would curse at Storm right now but I don’t want to lose count…”
Next 10 burpees - “F- the push-up part…” This is also where the jumps became more like toe-ups, and where 1 burpee took the same amount of time as two burpees in the beginning
Last 10 burpees - “Freakin a, I’m gonna feel this in the morning…”  This is also where I was SO psyched about finishing up, that I kinda bumped my chin with my knee… luckily, I didn’t bite my tongue or something, though that wouldn’t have been a surprise if it did happen!!

50 Situps
"Almost done… almost done… YAY, DONE!!  F’ the run (planned a 4-miler afterwards), I’ll just quasi-bike for a bit."

I was totally all sweaty from it and my heart was pounding especially with the burpees since they were in spurts!!  I was totally nauseous, too, especially after going to the next one, but I kinda like that feeling… I don’t know, it makes it feel like I worked hard!  Super fun, and this weekend, I vow to complete all burpees AND push-ups, goshdarnit!!  But many thanks to Stormi for something different and totally fun… well, now that I can laugh without wincing!!