Soliloquies

I am putting to sleep my goal of entering a figure competition, a goal I’ve had for over 10 years. And it took me this long to realize that although it was one of my goals, it was not one God had planned for me. I have a form of thyroid disease, I have exhausted adrenal glands and chronic fatigue syndrome, and I don’t see them going away in the future. My whole endocrine system is messed up, I have hormone imbalances and I cannot gain any muscle. Look at me, I’m a skinny wimp, is this what someone is supposed to look like after training with weights for 10+ years?? And please don’t tell me I am doing something wrong because I’ve done IT ALL! Diets, training, rest, protein, you name it, I’ve done it and it didn’t work. Because my body just isn’t hormonally balanced to have an athletic physique. I look at women who train with weights for only a few months and already entering competitions and I thought "how did they do that?" And here I am struggling day after day just to gain on ounce of muscle and lose an ounce of fat.

I thought God would heal me of my ailments, but he did not. Instead he is keeping me humble and I must rely on him to supply my daily spiritual strength to get through the day. I am very thankful that I only have the minor illnesses that I have, because many people have it so much worse.

When one door closes, another opens. Right now I am stuck in the hallway looking around wondering what I am doing and which door is going to open. I know the plans God has for me are far above the ones I had for myself. And now I realize he was waiting for me to take the first step and close the door before he shows me a new path. 

I will still workout on a fairly consistant basis, don’t get me wrong, I’m not about to turn into a couch potato eating chips all day. I like being thin and healthy and having mini muscles, but competitions just aren’t in my future. Bodybuilding will always hold a fond place in my heart and I admire all those who enter into this world, willing to do whatever it takes to change your physique, be healthy and become a great role model for those around them.

For now I bid adeu, and wait patiently for the future where I will soar on eagle’s wings. God bless.

I have not been doing good at all lately. My low calorie diet was too stressful for my immune system. Add in the fact that I’ve been using N.O. pre-workout supps on a fairly regular basis and training 5-6 days a week without getting results, which left my poor adrenals totally exhausted. I could hardly get out of bed for a few days and my brain is very "cloudy." I’ve also been depressed and have a hard time doing hobbies I usually enjoy.

I took some Adrenal Extract thinking it would help boost my adrenal and hormone levels. Well it did somewhat, at least I can get out of bed now. But the adrenals also produce cortisol, a hormone us bodybuilders are not too fond of. Cortisol causes abdominal fat (which explains why I gained weight recently without changing my training or diet), and lowers testosterone (why I can’t gain any muscle) and gives us food cravings (why I’ve been eating so much PB & J) along with other undesirable side effects. So by taking adrenal extract, I am also boosting my cortisol levels. No bueno.

I need to boost hormone levels, but also lower cortisol. One way is DHEA, which gets turned into the sex hormones, and suppresses cortisol in the process. But I don’t want any excess estrogen, so I am going to try some 7-Keto DHEA which does not turn into sex hormones but does promote weight loss, reduces cravings and suppresses cortisol.

Phosphatidylserine also suppresses cortisol by enhancing the associated neurotransmitters (in other words, telling our bodies we have enough cortisol and to stop producing it.) It also helps with the brain fog.

Now I am eagerly awaiting my new supps to arrive while trying to stay away from the chocolate as much as possible. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to enter a figure competition, it’s been a goal of mine for over 10 years. I just can’t get my body chemistry figured out. Maybe I was never meant to step on the stage.

So I’m on Day 2 of my super-eat-clean diet and this is hard! I don’t know how you competition girls can stick to this insane diet for 12+ weeks, but I am determined to get through the next 2 weeks at least. It’s time to learn what I’m really made of! I love a challenge, it helps me grow.

Today was leg day and I did a pretty good workout considering my left knee was bothering me. I focused on glutes and hams mostly, and I skipped my cardio because I got up late this morning. I’ll make up for it tomorrow.

I’m already noticing some water weight and bloating disappear, but oh man, I would love a warm piece of toast with peanut butter and jelly on top right now. Mmmmm.  

So I don’t fit into a few pairs of my jeans, and some others it’s extremely difficult to breathe when I sit down, so it’s time to go on a mini-cut and drop a few pounds of bodyfat. It’s NOT water weight either, because it’s not that time of the girly month for me. I just gained weight, too many PB & J sandwiches

So now I’m buckling down on my diet, my diet is always the culprit, I love to eat too much, especially on weekends. For the next 2 weeks it’s going to be mostly lean meats and veggies and some carbs pre- and post-workout. I’m going to stick to a competition diet as much as I can. I’m also upping my cardio to 25-30 min. daily.

Hopefully I can wear my jeans again at the end of 2 weeks! And yes, I wear jeans in the summertime, even in 115 degree Phoenix.

2 cans of canned salmon

1/2 c. quinoa, cooked

1 can black beans

4 stalks celery, diced

1 red pepper, diced

dash of sea salt

2 tbsp. dairy-free mayo

Mix and chill. Yum!

I am seeing improvement after only 1 week of changing up my anti-candida supps. I started on grapefruit seed extract in liquid form, 15 drops 3x daily. This is a lot more potent than the tablets which I took previously. My stomach isn’t bloated so much and I’m not needing my digestive enzymes as often. My energy levels have increased and I’m not as tired. I am thinking I will have to stay on GSE for awhile, I’ve noticed that when I go off my supps, all my symptoms come back again. It can take up to a year to fully heal an unbalanced intestinal tract, good thing GSE is cheap!

I am still battling the curse of the candida. I can tell because 1. I am not very hungry, even after a good workout, 2. I am having a hard time gaining muscle despite challenging workouts and a clean diet, 3. my urine reeks of bread and yeast, and I don’t even eat bread! and 4. my food isn’t digesting very well, it sits in my stomach way too long.

I started some more anti-fungals and am trying out Grapefruit Seed Extract in liquid form. I take 10-15 drops per 4 oz. of water 2-3 times daily. Man, this stuff is bitter! But I don’t care, I’ll choke down anything if it will help me.

I have noticed the overall bloat going away in the past few days, and much more energy and mental clarity. Unfortunately I am suffering from carpel tunnel more than normal, and when you work a desk job all day long it takes its toll. I love ice packs when I get home!

On a good note, today was back/chest and I am up to 70lbs. on machine rows and 60lbs on chest press.

I’ve decided to take a week off from the NO Xplode to help my adrenals heal and rejuvenate. I feel much better! My new adrenal supps are working great.

Today was back/chest and I did pretty good considering I didn’t use a pre-workout NO supp. I was worried I would have zilch energy to get through my workout, but my trusty Xtend helped me along the way. I increased my cable row by 10lb and did an extra set of chest presses at my usual weight.

Wow, I need to eat more protein. I just inputted my daily food into an online calculator and I am only at 70-80g of protein a day. I would like to be around 110-120g. I think the extra protein would help me drop some bodyfat, I would like to look a little more cut.

I have been getting increasingly tired since I started working out hardcore in January, and my pre-workout supps weren’t as effective as they once were. I took a week off from working out, thinking I just needed a rest, but that didn’t help at all. I stopped consuming all dairy, egg and wheat products because I have an allergy towards them, thinking it was stressing my immune system, but I still felt very tired after eliminating them completely from my diet. Then I thought my thyroid levels were going downhill again, so I started taking my meds once again, but nope, no luck with that either. I literally had to drag myself out of bed the past few days. I kept wondering what was up.

Then God finally lead me towards the answer… adrenal fatigue. This is common is people who had/have thyroid issues, as the thyroid and adrenals often go hand in hand. If one is defunct, most likely the other is also.

The adrenals are small, triangular shaped glands that sit on top of the kidneys. The medulla secretes epinephrine and norepinephrine, and the cortex secretes other hormones, mostly cortisol. Cortisol is released when the body senses it is under stress, physically or mentally. So I had burned out my adrenals from working out so much and taking pre-workout supps. One week off from the gym isn’t sufficient rest for the adrenals to rebuild.

I remember researching adrenal fatigue when I was diagnosed with my thyroid problem, but it sat on the back shelf of my brain for the past few years. Then yesterday the light bulb finally went off. It all makes sense now.

Today I rushed out to the health food store to pick-up an adrenal supp, they didn’t have exactly what I wanted, but I needed something fast. I was tired of being tired! Then I ordered a different brand online that should be here this week. After taking only two pills I already feel tons better and actually felt like working out today! I finally had some energy! And I acutally feel like doing stuff, instead of sitting around staring at the wall. I feel like myself again.

Every day is a new journey, I thank God for his grace through this whole mess I am going through, and for the past 13 years of this struggle. He is sooo good!

Today I tried NO Xplode in Fruit Punch flavor. This stuff really fizzes up, like half of my cup was pink foam after I stirred real good. I had one scoop and didn’t feel much, so I did another scoop 30 min. later and then I felt it kickin my energy levels up a few notches. Today was back/chest and I pumped out a few more sets than I normally do. I noticed my fingers getting tingly after ingesting it, but didn’t distract me too much. I also had more energy during my cardio, I felt like I could have gone another 10-15 min after my time was up.

So far so good, I will stick with the NO Xplode for awhile. I will alternate between Superpump and the NO Xplode to keep my body from building a tolerance, although they basically have the same ingredients.  NO Xplode is a bit cheaper per serving though.