Pauls Blog

Monday was a liberating and stressful day. Resigning from a company that has employed me for the last 10 years was a surreal experience. Yeah it’s stressfull and hard to do, but at the same time one of the most important things I’ve done in the last 20 years. The end of one era and the beginning of another. Stepping back and away from a high stress and hgly paid job, chosing to live my life instead. No more being a slave to another master. It is well beyond time to get my life back, and this is the key to making the rest of the changes needed in my life.

The only disappointing perspective of this whole episod of life. Justhow evil and nasty people can be. There has been no support from people at work. No respect for my own needs, only anger and spite that apparently I am taking a personal swipe at those that feel I am letting them down.

Here’s some news for you all, all of the haters.

I WILL get my life back. At 37 it’s time to refocus on ME and my family. I need to be the me I once was, not the corporate stooge, the puppet serving someone elses greed, making someone else rich. I don’t need that any more. Time to be me, to refocus on my priorities, my lifestyle. Job title and money don’t make me happy, becoming what I want to be does. It’s now all systems go. Back to the important things, the relevant ones. Besides my lovely wife and girls need me here for a lot longer. And I want tospend more time here for them.

FAMILY MATTERS, I MATTER.

To all of the haters. UP YOURS - GET OVER IT.

Time to hit the weights

Getting away in the peace and solitude was wonderful. I try to get away at least once a year for a week to get hard on myself in the bush (woods). That and at least 10 overnighters a year keep me sane. there’s something special about loading up wit a heavy pack and all you need to survive a few days or more. Yet it never feels difficult or a hardship. Gets me backto the basic tenets of life. Go, Do be.

Cleanses the soul and feeds the body. This trip was a difficult one, only from the perspective that very difficult (rocky, moutain terrain. Still got 40 miles at a total of 36 hours trekking time). Good, bloody difficult and awe inspiring at the same time. Best part of it all, the body still feels good and recovery is great, a bonus of getting fitter over the last year or so.

Secondly this trip, met some new friends, a wonderful couple, Sarah and James from England out here on a backpacking/climbing trip. They spent a day and a half teaching me the basics of rock climbing, had an absolute blast and will forever remember the experience. Made new friends for life, will definitely keep in touch and explore the climbing thing more. Another super challenge for the body, and another way to suffer while loving life. Thanks guys, will catch up soon. I am forever grateful for the experience, and promise to improve before our next encounter

Nothing beats being outdoors and open to new things and people. Some of the best friends I have I met under the same type of circumstances. Neverending support, no matter the skill level, and sharing that passionate love of life.

It’s finally happening, the change is a coming.

Given the economic climate right now, it’s not a good time to be thinking career changes, but sometimes soething’s gotta give. There’s only so long you can suffer the misey of a job that takes up between 50 and 60 hours a week. The time comes where n matter what there is no way to justify whay you put up with it.

So here we are, at the crossroads. Quitting to go back to where it all began. Back onto the workshop floor, back to a 38 hour week, less stress and more time for me and my wife to make the most of what’s left of life. Yep, sure I’m losing some money in the deal, but the extra doesn’t make me any happier or more fulfilled, if anything it feels like an anchor weighing me down.

The other benefit, eating better (more regularly), less work hours, on the feet all day long so higer daily caloric expenditure. But the main reason, is I get my life back, I get some control back. No more long hours, no more being on call from 7-midnight 5 days a week.

Now what the hell do I do with the extra time, MORE TRAINING.

2 days left of work until a week off, and not a minute too soon.

Time away camping for a week with nothing but hours of hiking for days on end. Love the challenge, the freedom and solitude. The sprained ankle healing well, slowly getting back to normal. Taken 2 weeks off any leg work in the gym, and modified everything else to ensure training off my feet. Rehabbing reasonable aggressively, lots of bike work. Yet to truly test it out yet, but cofident things will work ouy. Final supply shopping Friday and top of the list, plenty of strapping tape, anti inflamitories and go walking.

The one compromise, stipulated by the good lady wife, modify the trip, to base myself from a central point and head out different directions every day rather than the usual start point and meet her at the other end 5 days later. Meh, but has to be done. Probably a good idea really, nothing worse than geting stranded nowhere. Still looking to get in between 3 and 6 hours a day if it can be managed.

Just to prove I’ve gotten really soft, booked a self contained cabin to stay in rather than the lightweight tent and bed roll on the go. Not sure if I’ll ever live that one down, but deep down looking forward to a few creature conforts. Hmmmmmm, time to harden up a little

Time to move on from the over analysis of life, failures and possibilities.

Kind of ready to move on from the pitifull state of mind.

What better wat than a chest workout from hell. To chase the pump to a level never experienced, no matter the cost. Follow up with similar thrashing for the biceps. Kind of cathartic really. Nothing beats the feeling of driving the body further and further into the red zone, no mater the pain and building weakness.

Clears the head, and feeds the soul

The seach continues, for the elusive, the inner demon that I allow to live within.

The self perpetuating demon that allows me to sabotage every best effort to succeed.

I read othere blogs, inspirational stories, phenomenal life changes every day, yet find that evey one has found the elusive inner demon that holds you back fromachieving your goals. The successful ones defeat, or overcome their inner demons and move forward and achieve their goals.

So what the F**K is wrong with me?

Why am I missing the X factor, the drive to finally re achieve everything I want? Why am I spinning the wheels so to speak?

It’s not just relating to body and health, it get’sdown tolife in generaland work, the BIG picture. No matter how hard I work, there is always some level I let myself down. Sabotaging the very effort I make to improve myself and my life. I no longer understand it. As ole supe says, when you overcome the limiting factor you will become truly successful.

So why is it so hard to find?

I’ve over analysed this for some time now, and still am no closer to the answer. No matter how long, how hard I search for the one thing that is causing me to hold myself back I am nocloser to understanding or even knowing what the hell it is. And this grates on me like nothing else has ever done. I am no closer to figuring it out, and until I do so, I’ve doomed myself to failure. True, the motivationis there to work my ass off in the gym, but feeding myself, I find myself cheating ME out of the REAL results. Justlike success at work. I find a way to hold myselft back, and be miserable. Truly I just don’t understand why orhow it happens. It’s as if I’m happy to accept failure subconsciously. To accept derailing every effort at improving myself. And it’s a self perpetuating problem. It builds and builds until it manages to affect every aspect of life.

So,what is it thatis wrong with me?

I do no know, I wish I could figure it out. Maybee then things would accelerate again and improvements in all aspects of life would appear.

Until I figure this S**T out I’m nowhere, just another wanna be spinning my wheels, going nowhere fast and times a running out.

Reminding me what this is all about and why

http://blog.bodybuilding.com/oldsuperman/2008/07/03/do-you-train-or-just-work-out/

http://blog.bodybuilding.com/oldsuperman/2008/07/03/according-to-statistics-97/

Recently was reminded by someone on here that there are only ten more weeks until the end of the year and hope we were all reaching our goals for the year.

Ummmm, nope! That would be an epic fail right here.

My goal for the year was to get back to 205lbs by December 1 and looking at my progress way short of the mark. Not a near miss, but embarrasingly distant from it. Yet I know where I’ve gone wrong, I know how it’s happened and yet the adjustments haven’t been made.

So why is that? Why have I not done the things I know I have to to get there? Why sabotage my own efforts? I’m the only one I’m short changing. Worse still is knowing I’ve made some good friends here the last year, a support network that neither judges or beartes you for failures. Merely nothing more than unending support.

So to all of you I am truly sorry that I have let MYSELF and YOU down.

So where to from here?

No more excuses, no rationalising things to cover for the failures. No body here least of all me wants to hear them. Yime to refocus on the positives and negatives, and make the nesesary adjustments. Change things upa little and stop CHEATING MYSELF out of what I can (and will) be.

It’s time to rekindle the competitive instincts that made me sucessful many years ago. Adjust constantly and work harder, more intensely and be MORE DISCIPLINED. Rewind many years and refind the need and desire to win.

Till then……

Strength week and back to the battle of heavy weights.

Yesterday chest and biceps, not real flash. Just struggled to get in touch with it all. Perservered and managed to get through a solid effort.

Tonight, legs night and what a mess. Didn’t get home from work till 8.00pm and then had to jump straight in. No energy or mootivation after a 13 hour day. Still, no complaining allowed. Got into it and worked hard. Solid yet unspectacular. Quick feed then onto the cardio. Spun the legs over on the spin bike. Hmmmm, not the brightest idea after leg workout. Finally finished the night at 10.30 pm. More food, kick back and relax and bed. Lets do it all again tomorrow.

Tomorrow, another 13 hour day, no fun but it is what it is. No weights, just more of the mind numbing cardio. At least it’s a good way to relax and unwind.

On another note, serious gongrats to witchazel for the fantastic competition results over the weekend. Check her bodyspace  http://bodyspace.bodybuilding.com/witchazel/ 

Yup, it finally had to happen.

Last weekend went to my closest friends 40th birthday party, with good intentions, and a gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach. It’s been a really difficult last few weeks with all kinds of stupid stress and a growing tiredness. On Saturday night it boiled over.

The boys spent a while giving me a hard time as usual about my reformed ways. Apparently I’m no fun anymore since giving up the smoking and never having any more than one beer whenever we go out. In the not to distant past a night out usually ended in way too many drinks and junky food. no big deal, I’m used to this by now, or so I thought.

The worst part was rule number one was broken, virtually no food all day as things were just too hectic to stop and feed. Second problem was deciding that bugger the lot of you I will have a drink, after all I’ve worked my ass off for long enough without any reward (depending on perspective at the time). So why not boys lets get on it.

Yup.

Big mistake.

A few turned to a few more and so on and so forth. You get the picture.

 Fast forward a few hours, I still don’t remember getting home, but hell I sure remember how bad I felt unday. ALL Sunday that is. One day written off to a hangover like none I’ve experienced in many a year. Even lost the Sunday workout and cardio sessions. You stupid, stupid boy. As if the rotten feeling all day was not enugh, the guilt at caving in has made me feel even more sick all week.

There are no excuses, failures are not acceptable any more.

LESSON LEARNED……………………………….
………………………………………………. (until next time it happens)

Until then, its pennance time