nifferness’s BodyBlog

because that would be such a change…sheesh.  Anyhoo, here’s me, all 168 pounds of me, at 5′5" tall that makes me feel icky (well fat, disgusting and gross are also words I’d use but my mom might get mad at me…warm fuzzies, love yourself and all that jazz).  My issue is that in 05 when I was losing weight for my wedding, I dieted down from 180ish to 165 in about 12 weeks.  Doesn’t sound like a lot does it??  15lbs - plus I was working out HARD and a lot.  A nice fine mix of cardio and heavy lifting.

I looked pretty good (for me) at 165, I even felt comfortable enough to wear a bathing suit (that is an event that you can probably witness as often as you may see the Loch Ness monster).  I had a flat, if somewhat soft tummy - believe me I was certainly not going to get plucked out of obscurity for a modelling career at that point, but I didn’t look horrible.  I was roughly a size 8/10.

Now I sit at 168 but look far differant then when I weighed a scant 3lbs lighter.  That’s because I am just a lump and have obviously lost muscle mass - now here comes the part that will make some want to smack into the gym (or perhaps with a dumbell…either or doesn’t really matter) - I do not want to get back to 165lbs and looking okay… I really, really, really want to weigh under 150.  Shallow?  YES, it sure as hell is.  I know, it’s a number and it’s not supposed to define me but damn it all - that’s a load of BS.  Everyone talks about the numbers, it’s one of the major "goals" on this damn site!!! 

I want to wear a bikini for the first time in my life, I want to borrow clothes from my sisters in law (skinny bitches…I kid, I kid).  But I don’t know how to get there.  I have started working out again, mostly cardio as I am trying to figure out what kind of weight training I want to do (I have a bowflex and a couple measly weights…), I’m scared to lift heavy again (and yes I know I won’t BULK up and start looking He-Man with long hair), but I know my body responds really well to heavy lifting and I am terrified it will get me to 165 again and okay…..

I want under 150 (hell under 140 would be damn fantastic) and I want to wear a bikini….

HELPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP……………… and in case you’re wondering I would take skinny fat over where I’m at now…