never_quit’s BodyBlog

meal 1 12:00 noon-bad Marie! bad Marie! slept right through the alarm!!!!

• green tea
• 1 cup Kashi crunch 190
• 1 cup soy milk        100
• meal 1 total 290

meal 2 3:30

• veggie pattie 130
• green beans  70
• onions mustard garlic 20
• bread       130
• 1/2 sm avocado 150
• meal 2  total 500

meal 3 7:30

• 2 soy dogs  160
• 1 bread       130
• 1 lf chs         50
• must, onions  10

meal 3 total  350

Last night  it was SO cold-I could actually see my breath! (this is southern california-it just doesn’t get that cold!) and hubby didn’t go to the gym just so he could come home and work out with me. It was too cold and I’m still not ready to face going to the gym-too self conscious-so we decided to do some karate after I promised him he’d be sore the next day. I was very pleasantly surprised that I still remembered how to run a class basically. I keep reminding myself that yeah-I got out of shape-but I did this for 7 years consistantly and the knowledge is still there and the muscle memory is still there! We warmed up with some leg movements and slow kicks and then stretched for a good ten minutes. It felt really good! We worked on kicks and punches and 1 point sparring. I think that I actually might have a bruise or two-woo hoo! I can DO THIS!!!!! I broke a serious sweat and felt good. It doesn’t seem quite as scary going to class next week now.

Okay-then I woke up this morning….ow! My lower back hurts-feels super tight-feels like I need to stretch it and I’ve been stretching all morning. HURTS! I’m trying to decide if it is good pain or bad pain… Anyway, regardless-it will be fine just as long as I keep moving and keep stretching. I feel GOOD! And I feel like maybe..just maybe…there is some light at the end of the tunnel and I’m starting to really believe that I can do this.

10:00 am meal 1

• lara bar 180
• apple     100
• lo carb monster 20
• green tea
• trader joe womens hi potency multi vits

meal 1 total 300

meal 2

• bread  130
• 2 low fat chs 100
• 1 veggie pattie 100
• mustard, garlic olives
• green beans 70

meal 2 total 400

meal 3 5:00

• 2 itty bitty pears 100

meal 4

• eng. muffim 110
• 2 veggie dogs 160
• lf chs 50
• mustard, onions

meal 4 total 320

1. meal 1 total 300
2. meal 2 total 400
3. meal 3 total 100
4. meal 4 total 320

total 1020-?? no way-I wasn’t hungry-just ate when I was hungry?!

I just noticed that on some of my food logs I wrote ‘07 instead of ‘08…doh!

So many changes recently for me: some really good, some really bad. The consistancy lies in that they have all been major life-altering changes. I’ve lost 3 out of 5 family members in the last 6 months-2 of them in the last  month alone. I miss my dad very much. He passed away on Cinco de Mayo-I think he would have been pleased He’d say something like, "all right-a big party!" He had the best sense of humor! He lived about a 16 hour drive away (945 miles from my door to his) and I called him all the time. I’d ask him how he was and he’d usually say, "fit as a fiddle and twice as stringy!" He wasn’t all the way there mentally for the last year or so, but he always knew who I was and he would always be able to be ornery and call me a brat It’s ironic, the "worst" thing that ever happened to me was probably one of the best things overall. I’d been with my first husband for 12 years and he left abruptly with only a f***ing voice mail. Basically it was get therapy or die. So I worked on all my stuff-and lo and behold I found that I had integrated that poor little girl who just needed unconditional love from a mom who was so wounded in her psyche that she couldn’t give it and from an alcoholic father with an emotional load of guilt who drank to survive it, with the woman that I am now. I found I was able to love them unconditionally and that I forgave them both. I was able to take care of all the funeral arrangements for my dad and honor him. I know he would have loved the send off I gave him. All of his musician friends came and the band leader of the group he played in for so many years officiated-with a music stand as his podium There was a big picture of my dad playing his banjo and with the ever present beer in his hand. He was in the military and the VFW came with a recording of taps-well hell-half the audience were trumpet players! So one of my former trumpet teachers had his horn in his car and not only did he play taps at my dad’s funeral but he ended up getting a gig from the VFW! My dad would have LOVED that! God I miss him so much. I pray that he is at peace finally-at peace from all the demons that drove him to drink. I wonder if he saw all the people that spoke so lovingly about him and if he heard all the laughter from the good memories and great stories-I hope so. But then, if he’s watching from above 1. I’m hoping he has something better to do LOL and 2. If loved ones watch from above-what about when I’m in the bathroom or picking my nose or something? Geez… I asked my therapist that and she had obviously never thought of it LOL. It’s nice to make her think about new things for a change LMAO!!

Wow, maybe I should have titled this a RANTING random mental barf blog lol I love the word ‘barf’-it totally cracks me up. The funniest part of the whole movie Fargo was when the pregnant Minnesota cop says in her oh so prominent Minnesota accent, "I think I’m gonna barf" something about that accent-I love it! I dated a guy from Sweden once-actually we only went out on one date because every time he spoke I couldn’t stop giggling-he sounded just like the swedish chef on-sesame street-was it sesame street? His speech actually bounced if that makes any sense-and I just could NOT stop laughing (poor guy!).

So my whole intent of writing a blog today was to focus on the positive changes that were coming up-geez! (Focus Danielsan! Focus!) Hubby started back at work today, and I start school next Monday. I’m almost 40 years old (!!!) and I’m going back to school to finish my AA and then my Bachelors in Music and a teaching credential! I’m excited, I’m SCARED! I’m worried that everybody else will be 18 years old and that they’ll look at me funny! But it is a good kind of scared-makes me feel alive and excited about the future! I’m worried that I won’t have enough money with just teaching privately and gigging. But mainly I’m excited

•  wake up 5:30

Meal 1 6:00

1. Lara Bar 190/28/4/8
2. Green tea 0

Meal 2 10:00

1. big red apple  100?
2. lo-carb monster 10/3/0/0

Meal 3 2:30

1. 2 veggie grillers 200
2. 16 oz tom/veg juice 100

meal 4 big red apple 100?

*

meal 5 7:30

1. brown rice  160
2. green beans  70 

meal 5 total 230

• m1 190
• m2 110
• m3 300
• m4 100
• m5 230

total calories intake  930  + midnight snack attack at about 3 a.m. (no clue)

• 6-6 1200
• 6-7 karate 250
• 7-10 300

cal exp 1750

-850 for the day! (not counting the insane munchie attack…sigh)

9:00

lara bar 190

eng breakfast tea/creamer  50

meal 1  240 

10:30

meal 2

1/2 avocado 160

soy hot dog 80

bagel  350

meal 2  590

meal 3

2 sm pears

1 cup cherries

meal 3 300

4:30 meal 4

sushi  320

2 garlic olives 15

1 pc lf cheese 50

meal 4 385

meal 1  240 

meal 2  590

meal 3 300

meal 4 385

9:00 a.m.

banana  100

lara bar  190

eng. breakfast tea/2 tbsp creamer  50

meal 1 340

meal 2 1:00 p.m.

bagel 320/1

1/2 avocado 160/15

1/2 zuccini, onion slices, lemon pepper

1 cup cherries 104/1.39

meal 2 app 270

meal 3

tofutti cutie (soy ice cream)  130

1 tbsp olive oil extra virgin cold pressed 140/

bagel  320

lettuce organic, onion, ketchup organic, mustard

meal 3 app 600

meal 1 340

meal 2 app 270

meal 3 app 600

meal 4 350

total 1560

10 am ish

1 cup trader joe’s oatmeal with flax seed  170/3

1 banana  105/.5

tj’s women’s multivits

meal 1 275/3.5

1:30

2 small oranges 124/0

meal 2 124\0

4:00

1 1/2 veggie pattie 180/9

1 cup rice w veggies 200/2

1/2 tbsp olive oil  70/6

lettuce,mustard, ketchup, onions

bread 130/.5

meal 3  600/17

meal 1 275/3.5

meal 2 124\0

meal 3  600/17

meal 4 500

meal 5 450

10:00 a.m

1 english muffin     110/0/5/

1 tbsp organic unsalted crunchy pb  100/7.5/4.5/3.5

1/2 mango  70/0/.5/17.5

1/2 cup nonfat organic yogurt  55/0/5.5/8

1/2 cup blackberries   37/0\.50/9

english breakfast tea/1 tbsp creamer  25/0

meal 1 total 400/7.5/16/61

2 glasses water

3:08 p.m. cal/carb/protein/fats

bagel  320/64/11/1

vegan steak strips  150/8/22/3.5

1/2 tomato 12/2.6/.5/0

1 cup green onions 26/5.5/1.7/0

2 slices white onion

4 cloves garlic  16/12.6/.8/0

mustard/ lettuce  5/0/0/0

3 glasses water

meal 2 total  529/92.7/36/4.5

5:20 p.m.

16 ounces trader joe’s tomato patch 100/0

meal 3 total 100/0

Trader Joe’s women’s formula multivitamins

8:00 p.m.

1 vegan patty  100 cal/7carb/12 pro/2.5 fat

1 cp broccoli  24/4.6/2.6/.3

1 cup eggplant  22/5/.9/.08

1 cp cabbage 16/2.76/.84/.12

2 cloves garlic  8/1.8/.4/.04

1 cp onion 54/11.7/1.88/.42

1/2 tbs olive oil  60/0/0/6.75

meal 4 total 284/32.86/18.62/11.21

9:00 p.m.

1 cp blackberries  74/18.3/1/.5

1/2 cp organic nf yogurt 55/8/5.5/0

1/2 banana  52/13/.5/15

meal 5 total  200/39.5/7/1

total calories for the day: 1513

Well, I guess I can’t quit, what with my user name and all LOL! I fell into a tub of depression and have been in a sugar/carb coma for a few days. Here’s my chance to practice my goal of being loving to myself and not beating myself up. My dad and my grandmother both passed away in the last 6 months and I was incredibly close to both of them. I thought I was okay but this was my first Christmas without them and it was tough…really tough. Old habits would have been to just give up-tell myself, "see? you are a loser and can’t do it-don’t even try". Well not this time! Yep I ate a whole container of cheese coated veggie lasagna Christmas night and have been in a funk for the last week-but so what-is that a reason to spend the next year continuing? NO! So, one last night of not writing stuff down, eating  fast food and watching bad movies. Tomorrow morning hubby and I are going to weigh, measure and take pictures and move on! I’ve got work outs planned and meals planned and I’m excited about 2008. Best of all I start back up in karate January 15th! Woo Hoo! I know it’s going to be a good year!