never_quit’s BodyBlog

Well, I guess I can’t quit, what with my user name and all LOL! I fell into a tub of depression and have been in a sugar/carb coma for a few days. Here’s my chance to practice my goal of being loving to myself and not beating myself up. My dad and my grandmother both passed away in the last 6 months and I was incredibly close to both of them. I thought I was okay but this was my first Christmas without them and it was tough…really tough. Old habits would have been to just give up-tell myself, "see? you are a loser and can’t do it-don’t even try". Well not this time! Yep I ate a whole container of cheese coated veggie lasagna Christmas night and have been in a funk for the last week-but so what-is that a reason to spend the next year continuing? NO! So, one last night of not writing stuff down, eating  fast food and watching bad movies. Tomorrow morning hubby and I are going to weigh, measure and take pictures and move on! I’ve got work outs planned and meals planned and I’m excited about 2008. Best of all I start back up in karate January 15th! Woo Hoo! I know it’s going to be a good year! 

First of all-I feel better! Yay! I slept all day yesterday and didn’t do anything but type in my blog when I wasn’t sleeping and read about amazing transformation stories. I read about that amazing man who lost over 400 pounds and how he had to get surgery to remove over 30 pounds of skin! Eek! Am I going to have a bunch of loose skin once I lose the 73 pounds that I want to lose? Heyyyy….I actually only have 69 more to go! wow Anyway, I digress…Loose skin!! And have you noticed that ‘lose’ is probably the most mispelled word on this site? Honey I don’t want ‘loose’ weight ’cause it’s already loose! I want to firm this body up! And ‘lose’ fat Ah yes-I’m feeling good! And I just worked out! I feel good about that too, except I have serious newbie syndrome. I feel like a kid that is learning to eat an ice cream cone and missing my mouth and whacking myself in the forehead instead LOL! I’m still happy though, just the fact that I’m moving is the crux! I don’t have a clue on what weights I can use so my ’stats’ are pretty funny looking. One set you can tell that I started out way (weigh!) too heavy…1st set…3 reps, then the weight drops and I do 12…too funny! Or my first weight is too light and I do 20 without breaking a sweat. I’m also unsure of what is normal in terms of say the difference between how much weight I can bench press and how much weight I can use for a bent over barbell row. Those are some other stats that are messed up because I put in my dumbell numbers instead of my barbell rows DOH! I could do more weight on the barbell rows than on the bench press…is that normal? Well, regardless-as BryanG commented-just the fact that I’m DOING and MOVING my body is what is most important! And I am indeed-woo woo! I did bis and tris today and I feel all pumped up and like I should be walking around with "air lats" haha. It’s fun-I’m totally digging this!

So, I’ve seen that people are writing down their goals for 2008. My goal is to learn to love myself unabashedly! That is really it in a nutshell! This may sound dorky (like THAT ever stopped me!) but I want to be like Maddi here on this site-in terms of her looks and her sexy confidence and her strength! I hollered at my hubby to come look when I first saw her site.

"I want to look like THAT!" I said to him, "She is so sexy and beautiful and strong and doesn’t let what other people say or think bother her-she is being true to herself. She is like a goddess and I want to be like that!!!"

He said, "Have you told her that?"

"What? No way-she’ll think I’m a wacko!"

Well I thought about it, and so I’m saying it!
That is my goal-to feel beautiful and to love myself.

food journal

2 cups english breakfast tea 2 tbsp creamer

Trader Joe’s organic high fiber O’s 2 cups   360/2

1 cup organic soy milk

1 orange

1/4 cup almonds

1 apple

bunch of green onions/1 tbsp trader joe’s organic blue cheese dressing 45/4.5

1/4 almonds

I’m sick! Bleah. I’ve slept most of the day and I’ve had about a million gallons of hot tea. So here I am surfing through different profiles and I found a new ‘friend’ who hasn’t had any beer in 8 months despite watching football with his friends and the ensuing peer pressure (beer pressure?! LOL!) . This of course brought to mind my father and how different things would be if he had been able to actually stop and look at his life and try to make positive, healthy changes for himself. Things would be different for him of course (he’d probably still be alive) but things would be very different for me too. I wouldn’t feel guilty for concentrating on myself and trying to improve all aspects of my life: mind, body and spirit. When I stop to think about it, not one person in my family-not one-has ever tried to become a better person in terms of health, neither mentally nor physically. Wow, when I look at it from that perspective what I’m doing and what I have done over the past seven years is actually absolutely amazing! It’s funny how uncomfortable it makes me to write something positive about myself. But damn it, this is the place to do it! My brother is 18 years older than me and he drinks. He said to me, "I’m not an alcoholic, I don’t drink every day like dad does." and my dad always said, "I’m not an alcoholic, I only drink beer, not hard liquor like my dad did." Hmmmm…. It’s a frickin’ miracle that I didn’t turn to alcohol as a coping skill! I wonder what the difference is? Of course I have turned to lots of other unhealthy coping skills, but I’ve also always actively tried to improve myself. The turning point was when I read a book called, "Adult Children of Alcoholics". I recognized so many things in myself, things that I had always seen as personal failings rather than learned behaviors. I’m a survivor! What I learned to survive my childhood was all necessary, but once an adult-those same survival skills are no longer needed. You don’t just unlearn them automatically though! I learned to be invisible and not to call attention to myself. I learned to be super hyper-sensitive to my dad’s moods so that I could anticipate trouble and head it off at the pass. As long as everything that upset him was my fault and I tried to fix it, life was great. It’s sad really, he couldn’t cope with his own guilt, so he drank to feel better, which made him feel more guilt, so he drank, etc. I can understand it of course, but what I can’t understand is blaming the people around me or taking it out on the people around me. Of course, that led/leads to my own downfall in that I take it ALL on. And I internalize it-whatever is wrong is my fault and I need to fix it. Of course, this was all subconscious. It took me several years of therapy to be able to get to the point of realizing this. Once I realized it, I was amazed how obvious it was and why didn’t I realize it sooner? And then I would beat myself up for being so dumb…but wait! I was doing it again! See?! So I realize that once I can recognize when I go back into that mode, or play my old tapes as my therapist says, that is when I stop! I stop and I write or I think about it and make a conscious choice of whether or not to take on the guilt burden. I’m breaking 30+ years of learned behaviour that was reinforced over and over again so I keep reminding myself that-instead of getting mad that I can’t just DO IT! It’s a constant struggle but I am LIGHT YEARS ahead of where I was 7 years ago.

7 years ago I had been with my husband for 12 years. Now I know that it was a textbook co-dependent relationship. Of course it was, I went from living with my father trying to anticipate all his needs and keep him happy and be whatever it was that would make him happy, to a husband-and doing the same thing of course. It’s all that I knew how to do. Granted, I was happy and loved him with all of my heart-but there was no "me" really. After 12 years of living with him-living FOR him really-he left. Just like that-left a voice mail that said he wasn’t coming home and never did. I was DEVASTATED. To this day I don’t know how I survived, yes I do…I’m a survivor. I started seeing my therapist because I simply couldn’t function anymore. The whole reason for my life had just left me. So I kept seeing her-twice a week-and when I told her that I didn’t believe in myself she said that she would believe in me until I could do it too. And slowly, slowly I started unraveling my past and seeing how I came to be where I was. I started actually being able to identify my emotions, and stop and think and decide if it was "old stuff" or not, and how to change it if it was! Financially things were so precarious-I was about a dime away from being homeless. In a way I did with my last boss what I did with my dad and ex-husband, but with some key differences. One, obviously at work you have to make the boss happy or he fires you! He kept demanding and I kept giving more and more-but there were many good differences. I would throw up the white flag and say I needed help, and I actually got it! I got an assistant and things I needed when I asked. Ultimately, I realized that the situation itself was never going to change though, and I finally did what was best for me. I silenced the voice that said it was my failing and that I just needed to work harder. I finally realized that no matter how hard I worked it would never be enough and made the right choice. Part of not making that choice sooner was in large part because I was so scared of being in trouble financially. I also learned that sometimes you are stuck in a less than ideal situation, but as long as you are moving towards your goal and there is an end in sight..it is doable!

So, compared to all this losing weight is totally doable (is that a word?)! I can and I will and I have a PLAN! And I have motivation and encouragement HERE! Life is good-life is GREAT! I got married this summer to a wonderful man who supports me 100%, heck HE was the one that has been begging me to quit my job and go back to school to become a music teacher! He is as motivated as I am to work out and get in shape and live a healthy lifestyle. I am truly blessed

Now-back to bed with some theraflu!

food log

Theraflu

campbells cream of mushroom soup 250/18

echinacea tea

theraflu

1/4 cup almonds

ginger tea w/ honey & lemon

theraflu

Marie

You know, it didn’t really seem like I lifted very much…(famous last words) but I guess when one is this out of shape it really tears you up! My triceps (I’m assuming I have triceps underneath all the fat) hurt so bad that I can’t bend my arm all the way?! I didn’t even work triceps! I did do bench press but it wasn’t a narrow grip-if I remember correctly I think the narrow grip targets the triceps more… I’ve been spending so much time on this site reading everything that I can and I’m pretty much on brain overload now. I’ve always been a fan of KISS (keep it simple stupid) so I’ll stick to what seems to not overwhelm me: take in less calories than I burn. Every time I go on this site and see my pictures I think what the hell have I done?! I posted pictures of myself with all the fat just hanging out for everyone to see-WTF was I thinking?! I found the forums yesterday thanks to Miss Marvel Comic Girl (Woo Woo!) and talk about brain overload. I just tried to find all the "post its" for newbies and such and looked for anything that referred to fat loss. It’s a real constant struggle not to take down all my pics and just disappear. The irony is that I’ve only received positive and motivating feed back-the only person being down on myself is me! Oh-and if anybody is actually reading this-it’s basically just my brain barfing on the page-total mental rant is all! Sorry! I don’t feel good today either-I woke up with a cold and I have a rehearsal tonight. It’s really frickin hard to play a wind instrument when my whole head is all stuffed up! I guess working out outside last night maybe had something to do with it-or maybe not-who knows. My hubby keeps bugging me to go to the gym but I simply can’t face it yet. My self esteem has dropped so low and I’m so self conscious that it is difficult for me to even leave the house sometimes. It really is. I can’t believe how sore I am! While reading through the forums I noticed a whole bunch of acronyms that I didn’t understand: HIIT, DOMS, and tons of different diet names. The diets don’t help me much because I’m a vegetarian. Most of what I eat has protein in it-usually tofu or something-I’m not going to stress about it because before I started writing down what I eat I’m sure I could have easily put away 3,000 calories or more. (Anybody who thinks vegetarians are always skinny has obviously never heard of CHOCOLATE LMAO!!) When I was training regularly and competing in tournaments I was writing down what I ate too, and my goal was just to make sure that everything I chose had something good for me-was actively healthy. My friends called it my dirt and treebark diet LOl because the wierder it was the more I liked it: wheatgrass juice and strange vegetables and roots that nobody had ever heard of. I lived at Trader Joe’s and Mother’s Market most of the time haha. I liked how I felt when I did that and I liked that I could eat whatever I wanted to-if I wanted chocolate than I simply wrote it down and the thing was, I almost always chose not to. My biggest, fastest weight gains were always when I tried a "diet" that said I had to eat this and not this. As soon  as I felt deprived or restricted and without choices  I ended up binging big time. So this works for me, it’s just that I want to lose it all NOW but, as everybody keeps telling me, it took me a long time to put it on and it will take a long time to take it off.  so here’s what I’ve eaten so far today:

1 cup Trader Joe’s O’s

1/2 cup organic soy milk

2 cups English breakfast tea w 2 tbsp non fat creamer 50/0

1 cup snap beans, 5 large green onions, 2 tbsp organic blue cheese dressing

1/4 cup almonds

2 cups English Breakfast tea with 4 tbsp nonfat creamer 100/0

2 cups Joe’s O’s 220/3

1 cup organic soy milk 100/4

orange   62/0

apple 81/0

1/4 cup almonds 180/16

egg 80/5

1 cup green onion/1 cup white onion 30/0

1 serving tofu 80/4

1 tortilla  110/1.5

total calories in: app 950

expended 1700 + 45 min weightlifting 200? about -1000 calories for the day

*I’ll try to eat more early in the day tomorrow to have more energy!

 So here I am having to remind myself again to take baby steps-that it’s okay to make little changes, in fact it is preferable! Just writing down what I eat is a HUGE step for me-huge being the operative word! Instead of comparing what I do to the person who is a professional bodybuilder and has been for years, I need to compare what I do to myself! Did that make sense? Meaning, okay what did I do before I wrote stuff down? A really really bad day might have started out with me at the office staring at the plate of home made cream cheese brownies that one of the ladie’s brought in. I might have had good intentions and avoided them for the first couple of hours-actually this is not a theoretical situation, this is one that happened and so I need to see it that way and explore the mental process behind it to avoid the same situations in the future! So what ACTUALLY happened a couple of months ago, is that I came to work all frazzled and dreading the day as usual. I got to work and had 45 voice mails waiting for me and the phone ringing off of the hook. I had oatmeal at my desk ready to add hot water to but the phone just didn’t stop ringing and each one was an urgent situation with some angry person on the other line. During each phone call other people would be leaving voice mails with yet more urgent situations needing immediate attention. And of course the fax was busy with  purchase orders coming in, and I was in high gear-phone on speaker, multi tasking like a machine. 3 hours would go by and I hadn’t eaten yet, hadn’t even gotten a cup of coffee for myself. Off I go to the kitchen and find a plate of home made cream cheese brownies that one of the other two women in the office made. The other two are even larger than me and one is playing solitaire on her computer and the other is busy but running out for cigarette breaks every half hour or so. I see the plate of brownies and by this time I’m starving and angry at the other two who are really not nice and never help and who make it plain that they don’t like me, and I know I’ll be working through lunch again and those brownies are basically the only pleasure for myself that I’m going to get all day and there are a ton of them. What is going on in my head is defeat-I feel like a failure-every day it seems like I think to myself okay, I’m going to be healthier, eat well-write down what I eat, take the time to be good to myself, etc. and then I stand in front of the brownies and I know I’m going to eat them and inside my head my evil inner voice is flaying me alive telling me what a failure I am, how I’m always going to be fat, how I’m a total loser, how no matter what I do I will never be good enough, fast enough, smart enough and all along I know that no matter how hard I work I will never be "done" and all I can do is keep trying harder. So, I grab a ton of brownies and hot coffee and for a wonderful brief moment of time I’m able to feel a little bit of pleasure and relief. Lunch might be nothing at all or I might be able to get someone to bring me back something-usually fast food and usually at least french fries and a couple of burritos or cheese chesadillas or something. By the time I get home, it’s all I can do to get in the door. I throw pj’s on and grab a ton of comfort food-I could easily finish off a whole jar of dressing with a bunch of veggies and when hubby came home and offered pizza of course I said yes. This was a typical day for the last 3 years or so.  If I managed to make it through the evening without taking a Xanax just to not scream than I was holding up well. Knowing that I had to go back the next day usually had me taking at least one anti-anxiety pill just to cope.

It didn’t start like this by any means! When I started this job, I was still taking classes at the community college and I would go to karate at night and /or I would take a long lunch and go to the afternoon class. One day I worked through lunch to try to get ahead of my work load and managed to leave that day with NO voice mails left and no tasks undone. The next day was much easier, but slowly and insiduously my work load was growing and the more I did the more my boss gave me. By the third year I was working through lunch every day and working usually ten hours a day straight through. By the fourth year I was starting to really gain weight and take more and more xanax just to function. The fifth year my dad died and I received no support whatsoever from my boss-just anger that I missed so much work. Finally, finally, finally! I listened to my therapist and my new hubby and quit my job about a month ago. I honestly think I was on the verge of a nervous break down for the last year or so. I feel like I’ve just recovered from a horrible disease and that I’m weak and slowly regaining my strength after a long long illness..

So what am I doing now? Following my dreams… I’ve signed up at the local community college to finish my AA and undergrad stuff, and applied at the university for the following term. School starts the second week in January and I’m signed up for karate too with tons of support and happiness from my teacher! What about a job? I’m a musician and along with stopping karate I had stopped teaching my private students as I started working longer and longer hours at my hell job. I had stopped doing anything for ME and finally there was nothing left to stop doing…except the job I started back up with teaching and I am remembering that yes indeed I’m really good at this. I LOVE the kids that I’m helping and they improve and have fun too! I’ll slowly add more and more students and in 2-3 years I should have my teaching credential and I’ll be able to teach bunches of them at a time! I am so blessed to be able to do this and I’m feeling like maybe I’m an okay person for the first time in a very long time. My number one goal HAS to be to love myself and be good to myself. I got into trouble at work because the first thing that went away, which started the whole avalanche of the vicious cycle, was meeting my needs. The FIRST thing that I need to do is meet my needs-and the rest shall follow. Oh yes, and to beat the sh*t out of my evil inner critic whenever he raises his ugly head

English breakfast tea, 2 tbsp fat free creamer 50 cal/0 fat

orange  75

1 tofurkey sausage 270/13

2 cups chopped green onions 50 (?)

1 serving firm tofu 80/4

3 cloves garlic, sweet basil, pepper, 2 tbsp wine   80/0-sauteed with 1 spritz olive oil

2 green apple  200/0 (?)

6 green onions\2 tbsp organice blue cheese dressing  90

total calories in  995

100 cal per hour x 17-cal expended 1700

roughly negative 700 calories for the day

exercise-punched the bag in between laundry sets

In looking back on the last year, it is very clear to me that the main reason each attempt at a healthier life style failed is because of my "all or nothing" attitude. I would say to myself, "Self, we are going to go back to the way we were-going to the karate dojo every day and only eating good foods." I would go to the dojo, try to work out as hard as I used to when I was in top shape and when I couldn’t I would beat myself up mentally and I wouldn’t be able to move the next day and I would not go then I would beat myself up again. Is it any wonder I stopped the effort? Instead of NEGATIVE reinforcement I am going to use POSITIVE reinforcement! (DUH!!!) So despite a really tough week emotionally, I kept up with keeping track of my food and I didn’t try to be crazy about it. My biggest downfall is when I would just "give up" and go totally overboard-eating everything and anything I wanted in whatever portions I wanted. This time what I did instead was yes we went to Del Taco on Friday night, but I had one fish taco and one veggie burrito. In the past I would have a meatless taco salad, 4 fish tacos and a veggie burrito. And then I would beat myself up and my inner critic would have a field day with me. SO…instead of labeling myself a failure, I worked out today and I’m proud of myself! The old me would berate myself for only working out once last week, but the new me knows better and I’m proud that I worked out and I’ll try for twice next week, and then 3x the week after! Positive reinforcement!!!! Woo Hoo!

All my life it’s been drilled into my head that the most honorable course of action is to always put myself last. I grew up trying to be invisible and was taught that to focus on myself and to ask for my needs to be met was WRONG. This is my biggest hurdle to taking back my life. Taking the time to take care of myself is not wrong. Maybe I can tattoo this on my forehead or something. So, I took the time to make myself breakfast-oatmeal with added flaxseed-and had some herbal tea with it. I haven’t been writing the last few days but I have still been writing down what I eat. So why do I still feel guilty? I feel guilty because my grandmother passed away a few days ago. She was 94 and up until last year she was a dynamo. That woman was such an inspiration to me. She would want me to take care of myself  I know. I grieve her passing and I miss her terribly. This year has been a tough year on my heart: my father passed away in May. I know in my heart that now more than ever, I need to be good to myself and to take care of myself and live life to the fullest! Little steps and little goals do add up I know. My goal for week 1 was just to be aware of what I ate, rather than eating for emotional reasons. I’ve been writing down what I eat and slowly adding more activity/more movement each day. My goal was to lose 1 pound in the first week, and I ended up losing 2 pounds-yay! So now I know that I can do this and I’ll keep doing it. I grieve for my grandmother but also I honor her by taking care of myself!

The last two days have been crazy busy. Yesterday I ended up not eating anything until about 7:00 at night and today was the same! I need to buy some protein bars and keep them in my car or something. I can’t wait until I can put a new picture up and I hope to god that I see some improvement. I know that it’s only been a few days, but I figure I’ve been eating thousands of calories a day for years, and now it’s been under 2,000 for 4 whole days…seems like (I hope) that I should at least be able to reach my weekly goal of 1 pound lost! Oh! There’s that word…that evil word…should! I should do this I should be better I should I should….that’s my negative inner critic haranguing me again. How about, Whether or not I lose a pound, I’m going to continue to make changes to feel better physically and mentally! Sensei told us about the stonecutter, who tapped the stone with his chisel 99 times and on the 100th tap it split cleanly in two. It wasn’t the 100th tap that was so special, it was the 99 taps preceding it. So, to apply this to me-even if I don’t see any physical change or change on the scale or tape measure, there are changes going on both mentally and physically that may not be seen for a while. I reforming new habits and breaking old ones. I’m actually thinking about myself for a change, and focusing on my health and this is a good good thing! And I’m in the company of an incredibly supportive group of people. The encouragement that I’ve received from so many of you is really motivating and touching.

food log

3 cups home made veggie soup 300 cal/3 fat

1 diet soba drink

1 slice sourdough bread  150/1.5

food log

1 cup veg soup w/ veggie chk strips 150/3

1 cup veg soup w/veggie chk strips 150/3

18 triscuits      360/13.5

cut fruit           150

5 slices chs     456/32

1 1/2 cups martinelli’s sparkling cranberry  160/0

total calories in: 1426 calories burned 1500

Well, it wasn’t a great day food wise but at least I logged what I wrote, rather than sitting down and eating the whole box. I’m not going to beat myself up for the cheese because I’ve certainly done worse than that with pizza and blue cheese dressing and ice cream! I suppose if I was a vegan I wouldn’t have this problem but, can’t quite do it! I’m a little sore today but not as bad as I thought I would be. I think I’ll go with the split routine instead of full body and tomorrow I’ll do legs

I received a comment about my negative words about myself and absolutely correct! I wouldn’t say or think that about anybody else, so why about myself? I’m so much harder on myself! I don’t think that is terribly uncommon, but it does cause me great pain so when my inner critic starts in, I’ll do a paradigm shift and think if I would say that about another person. No I wouldn’t. And what do I say or think about other people who are trying to lose fat like me? I think the world of them, I think they are brave, courageous, wonderful, beautiful people. I want to help them feel good about themselves and encourage them. I need to do this to myself!!! I need to give myself credit where credit is due! It is incredibly difficult to face one’s demons head on, and to show the world the struggle-and I’m doing that! I’m doing it and it’s not the easy way-it would be much nicer to hide my head back down and not try-but that is not me…because I WON’T QUIT DAMN IT!

:)