never_quit’s BodyBlog

I did it! I went to the first day of class last night and I’m SO GLAD!!! I was so incredibly scared and self conscious and kept trying to find reasons not to go. "I don’t need to go, it’s just demo night, we don’t do anything in the first class" blah blah blah. I went! I got big hugs from everybody and people didn’t point and stare or say anything rude or any of the million horrible scenarios that I had in my head. These are my FRIENDS and they were just happy that I was there with them again. I wasn’t even the only one that had come back after a long time. I feel like I’m home again

2nd day of school! I’ve managed to walk about 2 1/2 hours straight today thanks to my being incredibly directionally challenged…see? There IS a silver lining to every cloud LOL! Unfortunately in addition to the blisters I got yesterday, I seem to be developing shin splints I’m assuming that is what they are since the front of my shins hurt?

Today’s first class was a general ed requirement called fitness assessment. This is VERY exciting because it goes right in line with what I started when I found this site and started my journey to fitness We’ll be doing fitness assessments in class and body fat % (that has GOT to be more accurate than my bathroom scale I’m sure!) Anyway, it will reinforce what I’ve learned so far on this site and then karate class on Thursday nights-woo hoo! I should have quit my job years ago and gone back to school! Now-time to do some homework!

My brain is fried! And so are my feet! I’m a
dork-I wore flip flops and shorts and ended up walking more today than in the
last 3 months combined. So tomorrow I wear hiking boots or tennis shoes! I am
going to lose the 73 lbs that I gained at that nightmare job in no time at this
rate! I have blisters on the bottoms of my feet and maybe on my brain too LOL! I
LOVED it though!!!  
OK-so the first class was speech, which is a general ed requirement and not only
was I the only student that WASN’T 18 but I was older than the teacher too LOL!
As I sat there though I realized that not only am I not nervous to speak BECAUSE
I’m older But also I perform on stage all the time so no prob-although take
the horn out of my hand and  it’s like my security blanket is gone
Anyway-that should be a breeze as long as I keep up with the writing and
reading. That one is from 10:30-11:50

Environmental studies is from 12-1:20 and that one is going to be very very
interesting! I met two women about my age and we all sat together We were
sharing why we were taking that class and the first lady is takign the class
because her and her husband and her son are going to build a house and they want
to make sure it is as ‘green’ as possible and doesn’t impact the environment
etc. How cool is that?!

Class #3 for the day is Statistics and apparently the scheduled teacher can’t be
there for 3 weeks so we have a faculty guy filling in…not familiar with the
book-I wonder why the regular guy can’t be there? I have to find my graphing
calculator somewhere-and see if I even remember how to turn it on! 

I have SO many books-and just a regular over the shoulder book bag-ouch! And
tomorrow I have to buy ANOTHER book-a history book-ack! 

So, the best parts were "yay-I’m doing it finally!" And, " oh my god I DO have a
brain and this stuff is great-I’m going to blow the 18 year olds out of the
water LOL!

The worst parts were seeing my reflection in the glass as I was walking by the
library. Last time I was on campus I weighed about 140 lbs. Today I weigh 213
lbs…   and then the hardest part-while I was waiting for my statistics class
to start-I toodled down to the music building and found Carmen the music
director who hasn’t seen me…since I weighed 140 lbs…ack….   I am SOOOO nervous about going to karate Thursday night-again these are people that haven’t seen me since I’ve gained all this weight…argh…. 
 
 
Tomorrow is history from 1:30 to 3 and then wind ensemble from 7-10. I will try
to play my audition piece for everyone who will sit still long enough to listen
(February 9th!) 
 
 
I’m off to go soak in a hot tub-my feet hurt!!! But I LOVED today Loved
it!!!! Woo Hoo!!!! 

The evil zombies beat me today. Yes they lose strength in the sunlight but their sheer force of numbers completely overwhelmed me. l actually found myself apologizing for my very existance. The zombies today were named depression, overwhelmed, hopelessness, inadequacy, fear and negativity. Time to regroup.

I read Eddie Robinson’s detox article today:

http://blog.bodybuilding.com/erusa/2007/09/26/ifbb-eddie-robinson-raw-performance-detox-for-success-2/

He mentions a mini detox of just lemon water for 24 hours and I’m wondering if maybe I should do it? I also recently read an article about Jack Lalane and how his fitness life began when he heard Bragg speak-and Bragg was a big proponent of fasting. Although I’m not sure that Jack Lalane has ever touted fasting…hmmm…

I’ve felt like a total slug for the last 2 days-been struggling with insomnia and the total waste of a day that comes from virtually no sleep-or the alternate of just sleeping the day away and then trying to sleep again that night…argh! I’m pretty sure that it’s anxiety that keeps me awake-I’m getting pretty nervous/excited about starting school again on Monday. For me, the anticipation of something is always worse than whatever the something is. I think it’s a self defense mechanism left over from my childhood-kind of a ‘if I can think of the absolute worst thing happening and expect it, then the worst thing that can happen will be that my expectations are met or better yet that they aren’t’ self defense mechanism. Hmm…I wonder if that made sense to anybody at all other than me? Of course, it’s possible no one reads this so…   Anyway, now it’s just a knee jerk reaction to something new. My mind has been thinking of all the worst possible things that can happen on Monday. It’s no wonder I can’t sleep! The irony of this can be that if the fears stop a person from doing the activity that causes the fear, then a vicious cycle starts i.e. new activity + massive anxiety = abstaining from new activity which results in the anxiety going away. So the subconscious knows it works and the groundwork is there to avoid  future activities. An example that I can think of for myself is a social event that I’m not comfortable with. I start freaking out about how I look and how other people will view me and how ugly I am etc. and I get more and more nervous and stressed out as the event gets closer and something ‘happens’ where I can’t go. I don’t go and my stress goes away, which just reinforces that behavior because it ‘works’. Hmmm…interesting….

But, I have a plan! The FEARS aka big hairy monsters with big nasty teeth aka drooling, ichor dripping, rotting, sleep-eating zombies gain power in the DARK. They gain power in the shadowed, cobwebbed nether regions and the damp basements filled with scurrying sounds and cobwebs that touch your face. I reach into the chasm and drag out one of the beasts. As the light hits it and sunshine bathes it in warmth and life, the monster starts shrinking. It’s talons diminish until they are nothing more than soft, rounded shriveled finger tips no harder than a q-tip. it’s fangs are shown to be no more than soft decaying enamel capable only of chewing stewed prunes. I pull out the first monster-the one that had me lying awake wide eyed and terrified of walking into a classroom and being stared at by 100 18 year old super models with perfect hair, clothes and bodies staring at me with disdain. The first monster shows their thoughts of me as being an old frumpy woman with 1,000 lbs of fat and wearing ugly clothes that make me look even worse and all shying away from me and laughing at me. As the light shines on the horrible monster, all the shadows disappear and my eyes clear. Not only do I see that the monster is really a small thin muling nothing that was only as large as it’s shadow, but I also see myself clearly too-both myself and the world around me. I see what the shadows were hiding: my strong mind and will, my experience and intelligence, my heart and the caring that I have for others. I grab some comfy sweats, a t-shirt and some flip flops and the monster disappears from sight…

Bring it on!

So why did I become a vegetarian? Was my mother named Moonbeam or did I go visit a slaughterhouse? All viable reasons of course, but no-I actually had no intention of going vegetarian…it all began in the parking lot at work about three years ago…

Work was an office in a big business park. The buildings were surrounded by trees and a wall with houses on the other side. We had stray cats and one stray chicken and one stray rooster that lived in all that greenery between the two. One day, just as I had gotten into my car and closed the door to go home, the rooster landed on my hood and just stared at me! He was a little tiny thing, with beautiful colors. I think I just stared at him with my mouth open as my brain tried to comprehend…but yes! There he was! A rooster! Sitting on the hood of my car! He finally fluffed himself up and got all comfortable and sat down…right there. So I’m all excited hoping he doesn’t fly away before I get a picture-grab my handy dandy cell phone and voila! I have proof! He still hasn’t moved… so now I’m thinking-okay-how long is he going to sit there? I finally opened the door and he got up all annoyed and flew away. The next morning when I drove up, I could see both the hen and the rooster under the trees looking in my direction. I got my sandwich out of my lunch bag and threw some bread crumbs over by them and as soon as I moved away they came over to peck away. At lunch I went and sat on the curb and kept throwing food towards them. This went on for about a month-every day they would come a little closer until finally they were both eating out of my hand and literally running up to the car when I got to work! These two birds actually recognized my car and would come running-totally wild! I finally went to the feed store and bought chicken feed. I wanted to bring them home so badly, but I rented and I would have gotten evicted in no time at all-plus they seemed really happy! They sat in the trees-I didn’t know chickens could even fly let alone sit in a tree like a song bird-and the rooster would cock-a-doodle-do all day long! My coworker would take a break with a cigarette and I would go feed the chickens I finally named the rooster Maynard, because I kept saying "good stuff Maynard!" when he would eat-so I figured might as well call him Maynard! The hen stopped showing up one day and it was just Maynard.

One day, I came back from the fast food place where I ate most of my meals and gained all that lovely weight, with a chicken sandwich. I started to take a bite…and almost threw up! I kept seeing Maynard…and couldn’t do it! So I started doing some research, I figured that I might actually lose weight as a vegetarian and I didn’t want to get sick doing it. Now, I was always getting sick-I have asthma and I have always gotten bronchitis and sinus infections, which would take tons of antibiotics to clear up-usually two different kinds. I had heard about the new resistant strains of bacteria that had developed over time and apparent overuse of antibiotics by people when they needed them, but what I learned was that big factory farms used the same antibiotics on the animals that we humans use! There is a video on the Sierra Club website that explains this better than I can, but basically it is cheaper for big factory farms like Tyson etc. to cram as many chickens as possible in one place and to keep them alive by pumping them full of antibiotics. Without them, they would not survive because of the overcrowded conditions. I never knew this and I HATED the thought that here I was ingesting antibiotics that I didn’t want and that the chicken that I had been eating was so diseased that only drugs could keep it alive-and I was putting that into my body? Yuck!

So during all this, my hubby is getting nervous (he wasn’t my hubby at the time yet LOL) and he wanted me to make sure that I didn’t expect HIM to become a vegetarian. NO! Not at all, but what I DID want was to find chicken and beef from places other than factory farms, preferably local farms that had healthy animals. I’m no scientist but I’m sure that eating meat from a healthy animal would be better for me than eating meat from a sick one! So we found places like Wild Oats and Mother’s market and we found local farms that grew organic veggies and stuff.

End result? I didn’t lose any weight-why? Because of chocolate, chips, soda, chocolate, candy, pizza, popcorn, beer, pina coladas, did I mention chocolate?!  
But you know what? I was only sick twice last year and I didn’t have one single sinus infection or one single bronchitis infection… I don’t think it’s a coincidence!

Last night  it was SO cold-I could actually see my breath! (this is southern california-it just doesn’t get that cold!) and hubby didn’t go to the gym just so he could come home and work out with me. It was too cold and I’m still not ready to face going to the gym-too self conscious-so we decided to do some karate after I promised him he’d be sore the next day. I was very pleasantly surprised that I still remembered how to run a class basically. I keep reminding myself that yeah-I got out of shape-but I did this for 7 years consistantly and the knowledge is still there and the muscle memory is still there! We warmed up with some leg movements and slow kicks and then stretched for a good ten minutes. It felt really good! We worked on kicks and punches and 1 point sparring. I think that I actually might have a bruise or two-woo hoo! I can DO THIS!!!!! I broke a serious sweat and felt good. It doesn’t seem quite as scary going to class next week now.

Okay-then I woke up this morning….ow! My lower back hurts-feels super tight-feels like I need to stretch it and I’ve been stretching all morning. HURTS! I’m trying to decide if it is good pain or bad pain… Anyway, regardless-it will be fine just as long as I keep moving and keep stretching. I feel GOOD! And I feel like maybe..just maybe…there is some light at the end of the tunnel and I’m starting to really believe that I can do this.

I just noticed that on some of my food logs I wrote ‘07 instead of ‘08…doh!

So many changes recently for me: some really good, some really bad. The consistancy lies in that they have all been major life-altering changes. I’ve lost 3 out of 5 family members in the last 6 months-2 of them in the last  month alone. I miss my dad very much. He passed away on Cinco de Mayo-I think he would have been pleased He’d say something like, "all right-a big party!" He had the best sense of humor! He lived about a 16 hour drive away (945 miles from my door to his) and I called him all the time. I’d ask him how he was and he’d usually say, "fit as a fiddle and twice as stringy!" He wasn’t all the way there mentally for the last year or so, but he always knew who I was and he would always be able to be ornery and call me a brat It’s ironic, the "worst" thing that ever happened to me was probably one of the best things overall. I’d been with my first husband for 12 years and he left abruptly with only a f***ing voice mail. Basically it was get therapy or die. So I worked on all my stuff-and lo and behold I found that I had integrated that poor little girl who just needed unconditional love from a mom who was so wounded in her psyche that she couldn’t give it and from an alcoholic father with an emotional load of guilt who drank to survive it, with the woman that I am now. I found I was able to love them unconditionally and that I forgave them both. I was able to take care of all the funeral arrangements for my dad and honor him. I know he would have loved the send off I gave him. All of his musician friends came and the band leader of the group he played in for so many years officiated-with a music stand as his podium There was a big picture of my dad playing his banjo and with the ever present beer in his hand. He was in the military and the VFW came with a recording of taps-well hell-half the audience were trumpet players! So one of my former trumpet teachers had his horn in his car and not only did he play taps at my dad’s funeral but he ended up getting a gig from the VFW! My dad would have LOVED that! God I miss him so much. I pray that he is at peace finally-at peace from all the demons that drove him to drink. I wonder if he saw all the people that spoke so lovingly about him and if he heard all the laughter from the good memories and great stories-I hope so. But then, if he’s watching from above 1. I’m hoping he has something better to do LOL and 2. If loved ones watch from above-what about when I’m in the bathroom or picking my nose or something? Geez… I asked my therapist that and she had obviously never thought of it LOL. It’s nice to make her think about new things for a change LMAO!!

Wow, maybe I should have titled this a RANTING random mental barf blog lol I love the word ‘barf’-it totally cracks me up. The funniest part of the whole movie Fargo was when the pregnant Minnesota cop says in her oh so prominent Minnesota accent, "I think I’m gonna barf" something about that accent-I love it! I dated a guy from Sweden once-actually we only went out on one date because every time he spoke I couldn’t stop giggling-he sounded just like the swedish chef on-sesame street-was it sesame street? His speech actually bounced if that makes any sense-and I just could NOT stop laughing (poor guy!).

So my whole intent of writing a blog today was to focus on the positive changes that were coming up-geez! (Focus Danielsan! Focus!) Hubby started back at work today, and I start school next Monday. I’m almost 40 years old (!!!) and I’m going back to school to finish my AA and then my Bachelors in Music and a teaching credential! I’m excited, I’m SCARED! I’m worried that everybody else will be 18 years old and that they’ll look at me funny! But it is a good kind of scared-makes me feel alive and excited about the future! I’m worried that I won’t have enough money with just teaching privately and gigging. But mainly I’m excited

Well, I guess I can’t quit, what with my user name and all LOL! I fell into a tub of depression and have been in a sugar/carb coma for a few days. Here’s my chance to practice my goal of being loving to myself and not beating myself up. My dad and my grandmother both passed away in the last 6 months and I was incredibly close to both of them. I thought I was okay but this was my first Christmas without them and it was tough…really tough. Old habits would have been to just give up-tell myself, "see? you are a loser and can’t do it-don’t even try". Well not this time! Yep I ate a whole container of cheese coated veggie lasagna Christmas night and have been in a funk for the last week-but so what-is that a reason to spend the next year continuing? NO! So, one last night of not writing stuff down, eating  fast food and watching bad movies. Tomorrow morning hubby and I are going to weigh, measure and take pictures and move on! I’ve got work outs planned and meals planned and I’m excited about 2008. Best of all I start back up in karate January 15th! Woo Hoo! I know it’s going to be a good year! 

First of all-I feel better! Yay! I slept all day yesterday and didn’t do anything but type in my blog when I wasn’t sleeping and read about amazing transformation stories. I read about that amazing man who lost over 400 pounds and how he had to get surgery to remove over 30 pounds of skin! Eek! Am I going to have a bunch of loose skin once I lose the 73 pounds that I want to lose? Heyyyy….I actually only have 69 more to go! wow Anyway, I digress…Loose skin!! And have you noticed that ‘lose’ is probably the most mispelled word on this site? Honey I don’t want ‘loose’ weight ’cause it’s already loose! I want to firm this body up! And ‘lose’ fat Ah yes-I’m feeling good! And I just worked out! I feel good about that too, except I have serious newbie syndrome. I feel like a kid that is learning to eat an ice cream cone and missing my mouth and whacking myself in the forehead instead LOL! I’m still happy though, just the fact that I’m moving is the crux! I don’t have a clue on what weights I can use so my ’stats’ are pretty funny looking. One set you can tell that I started out way (weigh!) too heavy…1st set…3 reps, then the weight drops and I do 12…too funny! Or my first weight is too light and I do 20 without breaking a sweat. I’m also unsure of what is normal in terms of say the difference between how much weight I can bench press and how much weight I can use for a bent over barbell row. Those are some other stats that are messed up because I put in my dumbell numbers instead of my barbell rows DOH! I could do more weight on the barbell rows than on the bench press…is that normal? Well, regardless-as BryanG commented-just the fact that I’m DOING and MOVING my body is what is most important! And I am indeed-woo woo! I did bis and tris today and I feel all pumped up and like I should be walking around with "air lats" haha. It’s fun-I’m totally digging this!

So, I’ve seen that people are writing down their goals for 2008. My goal is to learn to love myself unabashedly! That is really it in a nutshell! This may sound dorky (like THAT ever stopped me!) but I want to be like Maddi here on this site-in terms of her looks and her sexy confidence and her strength! I hollered at my hubby to come look when I first saw her site.

"I want to look like THAT!" I said to him, "She is so sexy and beautiful and strong and doesn’t let what other people say or think bother her-she is being true to herself. She is like a goddess and I want to be like that!!!"

He said, "Have you told her that?"

"What? No way-she’ll think I’m a wacko!"

Well I thought about it, and so I’m saying it!
That is my goal-to feel beautiful and to love myself.

food journal

2 cups english breakfast tea 2 tbsp creamer

Trader Joe’s organic high fiber O’s 2 cups   360/2

1 cup organic soy milk

1 orange

1/4 cup almonds

1 apple

bunch of green onions/1 tbsp trader joe’s organic blue cheese dressing 45/4.5

1/4 almonds