never_quit’s BodyBlog

I just noticed that on some of my food logs I wrote ‘07 instead of ‘08…doh!

So many changes recently for me: some really good, some really bad. The consistancy lies in that they have all been major life-altering changes. I’ve lost 3 out of 5 family members in the last 6 months-2 of them in the last  month alone. I miss my dad very much. He passed away on Cinco de Mayo-I think he would have been pleased He’d say something like, "all right-a big party!" He had the best sense of humor! He lived about a 16 hour drive away (945 miles from my door to his) and I called him all the time. I’d ask him how he was and he’d usually say, "fit as a fiddle and twice as stringy!" He wasn’t all the way there mentally for the last year or so, but he always knew who I was and he would always be able to be ornery and call me a brat It’s ironic, the "worst" thing that ever happened to me was probably one of the best things overall. I’d been with my first husband for 12 years and he left abruptly with only a f***ing voice mail. Basically it was get therapy or die. So I worked on all my stuff-and lo and behold I found that I had integrated that poor little girl who just needed unconditional love from a mom who was so wounded in her psyche that she couldn’t give it and from an alcoholic father with an emotional load of guilt who drank to survive it, with the woman that I am now. I found I was able to love them unconditionally and that I forgave them both. I was able to take care of all the funeral arrangements for my dad and honor him. I know he would have loved the send off I gave him. All of his musician friends came and the band leader of the group he played in for so many years officiated-with a music stand as his podium There was a big picture of my dad playing his banjo and with the ever present beer in his hand. He was in the military and the VFW came with a recording of taps-well hell-half the audience were trumpet players! So one of my former trumpet teachers had his horn in his car and not only did he play taps at my dad’s funeral but he ended up getting a gig from the VFW! My dad would have LOVED that! God I miss him so much. I pray that he is at peace finally-at peace from all the demons that drove him to drink. I wonder if he saw all the people that spoke so lovingly about him and if he heard all the laughter from the good memories and great stories-I hope so. But then, if he’s watching from above 1. I’m hoping he has something better to do LOL and 2. If loved ones watch from above-what about when I’m in the bathroom or picking my nose or something? Geez… I asked my therapist that and she had obviously never thought of it LOL. It’s nice to make her think about new things for a change LMAO!!

Wow, maybe I should have titled this a RANTING random mental barf blog lol I love the word ‘barf’-it totally cracks me up. The funniest part of the whole movie Fargo was when the pregnant Minnesota cop says in her oh so prominent Minnesota accent, "I think I’m gonna barf" something about that accent-I love it! I dated a guy from Sweden once-actually we only went out on one date because every time he spoke I couldn’t stop giggling-he sounded just like the swedish chef on-sesame street-was it sesame street? His speech actually bounced if that makes any sense-and I just could NOT stop laughing (poor guy!).

So my whole intent of writing a blog today was to focus on the positive changes that were coming up-geez! (Focus Danielsan! Focus!) Hubby started back at work today, and I start school next Monday. I’m almost 40 years old (!!!) and I’m going back to school to finish my AA and then my Bachelors in Music and a teaching credential! I’m excited, I’m SCARED! I’m worried that everybody else will be 18 years old and that they’ll look at me funny! But it is a good kind of scared-makes me feel alive and excited about the future! I’m worried that I won’t have enough money with just teaching privately and gigging. But mainly I’m excited

This entry was posted on Monday, January 7th, 2008 at 6:07 am and is filed under Thoughts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.