never_quit’s BodyBlog

So here I am at 2 in the morning having just had a massive midnight snack attack. I had meal #3 around 8 p.m.

Veggie pattie  120 cal/6 gm fat/7 carb/10 protein

1 slice sourdough bread, sauteed mushrooms & garlic on top. I used a spray olive oil that I got from Trader Joe’s and 2 tbsps bordeaux. Not too many calories or fat and yummy. I must not have eaten enough earlier today though, I woke up so hungry I felt like I could eat the whole fridge. I think I do most of my overeating in the middle of the night and eating 5 small meals throughout the day ought to take care of that (I hope!) I ended up with a bowl of cereal and an apple, rather than making 2 more sandwiches smothered in cheese and pouring the olive oil in the pan instead of that little flippin’ spritz I used! Ah me, this is hard! I think I’ve used food as a panacea for everything over the last 5 years. All right, back to bed!

meal #2

romaine lettuce, broccoli

2 tbs ginger dressing 35 cl/0 fat

12 veggie chicken strips 140 cal/3.5 gms fat/27 gms protein 6 carbs

lots of water all day long

after a bunch of reading I thought perhaps a full body workout with only compound movements might be the best start. I figure squats, deadlifts, military press,bench press, abs and cardio. I ran through my katas, stretched (I can still touch my fists to the ground-yay!) did 3 sets of 10 deadlifts with just the bar. I figured I would do the same with squats and boy was I wrong-I did maybe 8 with the bar and then just did them with 10 lb dumbells, again 3 sets of 10. 3 sets of 10 bench press with the bar-I can’t remember how much the darn thing weighs…40 lbs I think? Anyway I don’t have a spotter so I’m not going to push it-don’t want hubby coming home with me stuck in the back yard pinned on the bench LOL! I was thinking to add walking lunges but by that time I wasn’t sure I could walk, let alone lunge! Abs I just did 2 sets of 25. I’m just happy with the fact that I did something-anything.

I can’t decide if loading that horrid awful picture as my profile pic is good motivation or just needless torture. I’ve been horribly depressed for the last few days, fighting feelings of self loathing and horrible awful thoughts about myself. In the past this cycle of thinking made me eat more to stuff the feelings, so this time I will not bury them I’ll bring them out in the open and let the light of day shine on them. I’m feeling that it’s hopeless, that there is SO far to go why should I even bother. I am feeling like I’m so gross that I don’t even deserve to be happy! Now that is crap. I do deserve to be happy! I’ve done amazing things in the last several years-my whole life actually. I’ve survived a childhood and parents that could have destroyed me or turned me towards drugs and alcohol as a coping mechanism. I’ve survived a traumatic divorce that could easily have left me living in my car and even taken my own life. I can do this. I will simply remind myself every single day if I have to. Actually that is probably a great idea. I need to be a little bit selfish and do for me-do what is good for ME.  It’s overwhelming but that is where the little goals come in! And my little goal for today was to spread what I eat out into several smaller portions and so far so good!

breakfast:

1 cup Trader Joe’s O’s  110 cal/1.5 fat

1/2 cup organic soy milk 50/2

little steps, little steps, little steps…..

For breakfast I had 2 cups kashi cereal with 1 1/2 cups organic soymilk. I wasn’t hungry again until around 7 p.m. so maybe tomorrow I’ll have 1 cup instead of 2! (duh!) Dinner was a bowl of romaine lettuce, broccoli, 1 veggie patti and 4 tbsps ginger dressing…and one apple. I walked through all my kata-or at least as much as I could remember. Even though I only walked through them, my thighs were burning and I was sweating-that is how out of shape I am. I spent an hour trying to find a good basic beginner weight workout and there was so much but I read a lot of good stuff. Havne’t put together a routine yet-I don’t know if I should do a split body workout or just do a full body every other day. Problem is I don’t have a squat rack, just a weight bench-but at this point I’m sure that is enough. I’ve got a double ended speed bag set up and a heavy bag that needs to be set up somewhere/somehow. Small goals: tomorrow I will try to eat 4 small meals instead of two big ones! I will go through all my kata again and go throw some weight around-even if I don’t find the perfect routine. I read a good article here meant for people who had a lot of fat to lose, and one of the head games to avoid is the all or nothing attitude. I didn’t stick exactly to my plan so I’m throwing the whole thing out. Kind of like if you get a flat tire, instead of fixing it and going on-slashing all the other tires and not driving anymore! Boy do I know the all or nothing way of thinking. It stems from trying to be perfect, and of course that is not possible and it’s terribly hard on a person! I’m so glad that I found this site! Reading about other people’s success stories is so very motivating. It makes me think, heck yeah I can do it! My long term goal is to be one of those people!!!!

So I look at the horrible pictures of me and my first knee jerk reaction is to do whatever it takes to numb the pain of realizing that horrible fat creature is me! And having read what I just wrote…I know what my biggest obstacle is…it’s me! The negative, depressed me. So, I’m going to force myself to eat breakfast instead of drinking coffee until I get hungry and then pigging out. I was reading up on sumo wrestling and I read how sumo wrestlers skip breakfast and eat a large meal later to gain weight. Or maybe I should become a sumo wrestler?….naw….

I’ve done this before so I can do it again.  I used to smoke 2-3 packs of cigarettes a day and I quit smoking in 1994. Up until then I had always been skinny: between 115-125 lbs all through high school and college. I quit smoking and woke up the next day about 60 lbs heavier…not really, but it sure seemed that way. I started focusing on myself and educating myself by reading and trying different things. The things that made the most impact for me were the no-nonsense, common sense simple things: specifically books by Covert Baily (sp?), that ‘Stop the Insanity’ chick and a book called "Feeding on Dreams" . The key was always the mental aspect for me. If I felt like I was depriving myself then it didn’t work. One other book by Dr. Weil addressed this by saying not to think " I cannot eat (fill in the blank) ever again, but rather to ADD. Imagine all the food you can eat in one day. Now simply add broccoli every day and something else will naturally get pushed off. I did step aerobics with a friend and a trainer there gave me a simple plan that went with this and with the way my mind seemed to work. She said in a nutshell if at the end of the day you burn more calories than you take in, then you will lose weight. Oprah Winfrey had a book and a journal that I used, which I loved and can’t find anymore. It had water glass pictures, fruit pictures and veggie pictures and each time you consumed one serving you crossed it out. I wrote down what I ate and how many calories I burned. The trainer lady said to estimate on the high side for the food and on the low side for the exercise. Every day I just tried to end up with a negative number. It was rough, but a hell of a lot better than just eating what I wanted when I wanted and having no clue. I learned in Psych 101 that simply monitering a behavior will change that behavior and this was no different. There were times when I simply didn’t eat something so that I would not have to write it down! I estimated that I burned about 100 calories an hour just being awake. I estimated one good hour of karate burned at least 300 calories. This is what I will do again. For now, my short term goal is simply to log calories both burned and consumed for the next week. Of course, I haven’t quite figured out this website well enough to set up a food log but this is just my first day! If anybody actually reads this any help would be greatly appreciated! Thanks!

I will never quit.

Today I take back my life!  I’ve weighed, measured and taken pictures. I can do this. I’ve done it before and I will not let past faltering and stumbles stop me from trying. I will take baby steps and never quit. I do this for myself.

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