nervesgone’s BodyBlog

From Alwyn Cosgrove…. Some parts made me laugh, and others rang pretty true… how did Ryan Seacrest become famous?

20 Things that make me shake my head
by Alwyn Cosgrove  

Editor’s Note: Don’t blame the title of this article on Alwyn. While having lunch with Mr. C and listening to his acerbic viewpoint on, well, just about everything, I was reminded of the old Saturday Night Live, Mike Myers skit where Myers played a Scottish shopkeeper whose motto was, “If it’s not Scottish, it’s Crap!” Naming the article after that line seemed appropriate.  

— TC  

This isn’t my usual type of article. Rather than launch into a specific training program, TC’s given me this opportunity to launch into an Alwyn Cosgrove rant. A brief warning for the timid, however: I am the king of the politically incorrect.  

It has been said that if you don’t piss off someone each day, then you’re just not doing enough. That has become my mantra. I like to start early, too. There are days when I just wake up, switch on the TV and tell Matt Lauer to get ****ed.  

So in keeping with that sentiment, there are a few things I’d like to discuss.  

1) YARDWORK  

As a young lad growing up in rainy Scotland, my Dad used to have me move shit around. I dragged logs, lifted rocks, chopped wood, moved sandbags (to stop the rain from flowing into the house from the hill outside) and generally did manual labor. In exchange for my labors, I received a few pennies to spend.  

I thought my Dad was a cantankerous old bastard.  

Little did I know he was apparently a master strength and conditioning coach and this was merely my GPP phase.  

Now people all over the world pay Master coaches like my dad large sums of money for the pleasure of moving shit around backyard gardens all over the world.  

Brilliant!  

2) FASTED CARDIO  

Are you ****ing kidding me? Seriously, are you ****ing kidding me? Why are we even talking about this?  

Let’s take two twins, both 200lbs, both doing the same training program, taking the same supplements, and following the same nutrition plan in the hopes of getting lean.  

One difference, though: one of them eats 2 eggs and does 30 minutes of cardio three days per week. The other does 30 minutes of cardio, three days per week and THEN eats 2 eggs.  

So what’s the magical difference in terms of fat loss after six months? Drum roll please…  

I’ll tell you — no ****ing difference.  

However, whenever you bring up this question we get a ton of responses saying, “This is exactly the information I needed!”. Oh **** off. The reason you are still fat is because you couldn’t decide to do cardio on an empty stomach or not?  

30 minutes of steady state cardio will burn about 300 calories. Three times per week – 900 calories. Add that up for 26 weeks and we get a whopping: 23,400 calories.  

Or 6.6 lbs of fat.  

In six months.  

If doing it fasted, burned 30% more (which it doesn’t), you’re looking at another 2lbs of fat in that same six month period.  

Or an additional 0.07 pounds per week.  

And for those of you who say – I do fasted cardio but I have a small scoop of protein first, then you’re NOT DOING IT FASTED THEN, ARE YOU?  

Fat people finish marathons all the time. Aerobic training doesn’t do a hell of a lot for real world fat loss. Even if you’re hungry.  

3) BOOT CAMPS  

Boot camp is where trainee soldiers go to learn the art of war, get in shape, and prepare to be on the front line. What your gym offers is known to children all around the world as playing soldier.  

Dressing up in green camouflage and having someone yelling at you to keep your feet six inches off the ground while you’re lying in the mud is not cutting edge fitness training. Its cutting edge ****ing stupid is what it is.  

The guys at Camp Pendleton are preparing to go into battle; at Camp Happy Fitness LA or whatever it’s called, they’re pretending to go into battle. And you’re 30 years old. ****ing stop it. Next you’ll be pointing your finger and pretend-shooting people.  

And while we’re at it, Tae Bo is not going to make you a ninja.  

4) BODYPART SPLITS  

I think my mission in life is to rid the world of this ridiculous workout notion. Somehow this highly developed organism that we call the human body is not a remarkable piece of machinery that functions flawlessly as a unit, it’s just random ass “parts” put together — each of which can be worked separately.  

My arse.  

You didn’t even turn your computer on using only one muscle so why in God’s name are you trying to develop a body using some sort of body part split?  

And while I’m on the subject, how come fingers and toes don’t get their own “day”?  

Biceps get their own special recognition, what about fingers and toes and sternocleido mastoids? Or left arm on one day, right arm on another day (different body parts)? Because it’s stupid, right? Well, so is splitting up your chest and shoulder “days”.  

There are NO athletes other than a small bunch of genetically gifted, pharmaceutical abusing individuals who use a “body part” split with any success. NONE.  

Now, if you ARE one of the genetic elite pharmaceutical abusers, then feel free.  

Split routines arrived on the scene shortly after Dianabol was popular. Do you see the connection?  

Now before you ask me, “Can I split up my routine in some way?” Of course you can. But split it up based on what your body DOES, not based on what “part” it is. Splitting up by parts makes as much sense as splitting up by the number of freckles in that area.  

5) PEOPLE WHO BUY THEIR PROTEIN POWDER OR VITAMINS BASED ON PRICE  

There is a reason that you pay less for some brands. It’s because they suck.  

Why are you making a decision on whether or not to consume something (sometimes two or more times per day) based solely on price? And do not ****ing start me up by saying the ingredients are the same.  

All cars have four wheels, a seat, an engine, and a steering wheel, but a Corvette is a little different than a Chevette.  

Coal is cheap. Diamonds are expensive. Try giving your girlfriend a coal ring for your engagement and explain that it’s the same thing and it’s just marketing. She’ll cut your dick off and put it on display in a pickle jar. Which brings me to my next point…  

6) PICKLES  

Every restaurant and deli on the face of this country puts a green, lumpy, decomposing, venereal-disease ridden penis on my plate. Or chopped up in my sandwich.  

Oozing green fluids.  

In the US they call it a dill pickle and it is clearly the sign of the devil. It is a dead decomposing cucumber that looks like a penis, and it’s been kept from rotting by liberal use of vinegar. And you expect me to eat it?  

I do not like green penises with my lunch, I do not like them Sam-I-am.  

7) DOING BICEPS CURLS WHEN YOU CAN’T DO A SINGLE CHIN UP  

Enough said.  

8) INTERNET SUPER-TRAINERS WHO HAVE TRAINED ABOUT THREE PEOPLE, EVER, IF THAT. AND GOT NO RESULTS  

You know who you are.  

9) PROGRAMS THAT VIOLATE BASIC TRAINING PRINCIPLES  

You can’t forget that maximal voluntary contractions are necessary to improve. Overload. If you don’t overload the muscles, nothing happens. No matter how cool, big, clever, cutting edge, or exciting it sounds.  

10) PEOPLE LOOKING FOR THE FAT LOSS SECRET  

I can vividly remember doing a photo shoot at our gym with a male client who had lost 85lbs of fat and now had a nice six-pack to show for his efforts.  

My own gym members came up and asked me what his “secret” was.  

There is no secret.  

They seemed to think I’d given him the “real” information and had withheld it from them! He’s been given the same advice as I give to everyone else — he just chose to follow it a little more closely.  

Fat loss is not under the control of the magic fat loss fairies. It’s based on simple changes in behavior. Granted, there are programs out there that work better than others, but it’s more likely because some programs violate number #9 above.  

11) “WESTSIDE” TRAINING  

You aren’t training Westside unless you are actually in Ohio at the Westside Barbell Club. So stop pretending.  

Jim Wendler once told me he sees people doing different things at the real Westside club all the time so he has no idea what “Westside” is when people talk about it.  

“If you don’t train at or have trained at Westside then you are NOT WESTSIDE! I am sick of people tagging this to their work especially when they have never stepped foot in the gym. They need to understand Westside is more than a program, far more.”  

— Dave Tate  

And another thing, understand that the Westside model of training is a very advanced strength training method that combines max effort methods with dynamic effort methods and repeated effort methods in a conjugated periodization model solely to enhance the performance (strength) of three movement patterns – bench, squat, and deadlift.  

Is it a great method? Absolutely.  

Is it the best method for rehabbing an injury, developing mobility, improving your chin up performance or developing lactate tolerance? Nope.  

It won’t work for everything. You can hammer in a nail with a screwdriver, but a hammer will work better. Use the correct tool for each job.  

Coming soon though: Westside for triathletes, Westside for window cleaners, and Westside for basket weaving.  

12) PERFECT ROUTINE SEEKERS  

There is no perfect routine. The fact that your favorite author just published a new workout that is “exactly what I’ve been waiting for!” just shows us that you have no long term plan for any type of success and are unlikely to make any progress.  

Stick with the basics, and stick with them long enough so you get an adaptation. Don’t change too often. It’s clear to me that most people follow completely uncomplimentary workouts for short periods of time. Success will only come when you commit to a long term program where each phase complements the previous phase. A program is a long term approach for success. A workout or a phase of a program only works as a part of the big picture.  

13) CHARLES STALEY  

Okay Charles, we get it. do more work in less time. Enough already.  

14) CHAD WATERBURY PUTTING SALT IN HIS BEER  

I saw him. Apparently it makes you pee less often. But it didn’t work. I’m still wondering about that. And the fact that I counted who peed the most concerns me also.  

15) COACHES WITH NO HAIR  

Are Chad and I the only coaches who still have hair? Yes I’m talking to you, Jim Wendler, Dave Tate, Paul Chek, Charles Staley, Pavel Tsatsouline, Zach Even-Esh, Joe DeFranco, Ian King, Jason Ferrugia, and Christian Thibaudeau…  

Woah. That list was bigger than I thought! Maybe I need to shave my head.  

PS: Dave Tate doesn’t really shave his head–-he has the wrap around going on though. But that’s only because he can’t reach the back of his head to shave it.  

16) RYAN SEACREST  

Come on America. How did this neo-maxi-zundweebie (points for the movie) become a star?  

17) PEOPLE WHO ASK ABOUT SUPPLEMENTS AND DON’T FLOSS  

Okay. I stole this one from Dan John. But if you don’t have the discipline to floss your teeth twice a day (which has been proven beyond any doubt to be worthwhile, not only in terms of dental hygiene, but also in terms of inflammation and heart health), then how do you expect to suddenly develop the discipline to take four pills three times a day to see a small benefit?  

18) PAPER AND PENCIL PROGRAMS  

There are some people out there who write programs/articles that are absolutely shit. They are so desperate to see their name in print that they come up with fictional garbage just to sound cool.  

Just because it looks good on paper, doesn’t mean it will work worth a shit in real life.  

19) “A CALORIE IS A CALORIE”  

F-u-c-k.  

100 calories of broccoli and 100 calories of frosted flakes are exactly the same are they? I know JB could lose his mind on this one, so I won’t go too deep into it.  

However, we also have to mention that calories do count and unfortunately you cannot eat unlimited amounts of the food you would like and still get lean. And you do not need something sweet to finish your meal. Do you realize how much you just ate? You don’t need anything.  

20) SPECIALIZATION ROUTINES THAT SUCK  

I spoke about this before but skinny arms are not caused by a lack of curls. So some arse of a trainer suggests you “improve your chin ups” and he typically gives you a cutting edge article that just has you try to do a lot of chins.  

Why, you ****ing genius trainer, you!!  

I can’t do a lot of chin-ups but you, in your almighty wisdom, have solved my problem by suggesting that I just try to do more! Wow! Is that the Weider “do more of it” principle or is it from the Soviets?  

Conclusion  

Sometimes the world needs a slap. I plan on giving it one now and again. When the time comes that I’ve shaken my head enough times in the near future, you’ll get part two of this series. Until then – behave.

Ugh… It’s a terrible excuse, but I just fell off the training program terribly. I’m in the midst of trying to switch companies, and that’s caused a ton of contention at my current job, and I just fell off entirely…. after being stuck in meetings until 8:30 at night, which forced me to miss meals, I went to the bar instead of the gym…. which happened again for a consecutive 3 nights, basically. I’m back training again, and I’ve decided to wait until this whole mess with work is sorted before I try any crazy diets…. calorie deprivation and a stressful work environment didn’t really work too well for me

That’s the update for me right now. Sorry…. After 10 days, I must admit that I genuinely liked the program and was seeing results….

The weekend was a little rough… and I cheated…. It was sushi though, I didn’t have very much and I didn’t eat any rice, so I was pretty happy about that.

The worst thing about this is the scripted cardio. I can’t think of anything I despise more than being on a machine for 45 minutes. Even my ipod can’t save me from this boredom.

The weight loss has slowed down a little, I imagine a lot of the original amount was just water. BUT, I still feel lighter and look a little leaner, so I’m stoked with the progress. I have soccer tonight, and then I’m going to lift, so if I make it through tonight I’ll be thrilled… did I mention I’ve had just about no carbs (i.e. less than 10g) today? Yeah, tonight should be great!

I think a lot of the trick to this diet/workout is that, while I have no doubt that I’ve lost fat, I also feel like I’ve dropped any excess water weight as well. I’m down 4lbs in 4 days and I know a lot of that is water. I’ve probably dropped 1-2lbs though, in all fairness. Last night was weights and sprints and the difference in the mirror this morning is noticeable…. I’m gonna start doing this before vacations because you significantly lean out!

Other than that, it’s going well. Today’s diet is a little depressing though, I feel like I’ve taken a normal size meal and divided it 4 ways. My only cheat so far has been one Reese’s mini-cup…. I’ll try to take some progress pics this weekend though, just to give you an idea of my semi-starting point. 1 week in, I guess.

I think I might do this once a year, just to really clean out. I must admit, besides the obvious drop in energy due to the drop in calories, I am really enjoying doing this. The workouts are brutal too, and use some lifts I’ve not done in awhile.

Peace out
-D

Besides the fact that I’m starving…. I like this so far. The workouts are deceiving as well, as they don’t look like much on paper, but you’re cramming a lot of activity into about 30 minutes. I was soaked when I finished my workout. I also like workouts that involve a lot of squats and deadlifts!

Today sucked though - I had a qualification review that went through lunch and they ordered 4 pizzas (which, next to chicken wings, is my favorite food), so everyone sat there and gorged themselves (there was only 6 of us) while I had an 8oz chicken breast with spinach…. that was the hardest test of my resolve in a long time…. but I passed, I only snuck one small piece of pepperoni….

Well, it’s an interesting start to the program. Yesterday was a lot less food than I’m used to eating, but through a couple sugar free red-bull and cytolean, I was able to manage pretty easily. Just to answer a few questions, there are no cheat days, no cheat meals and no re-feeds. It’s a 28 day program, but it’s carb cycling ( ) so you have higher carb days and then no carbs on your day off. The program is not really designed for muscle gain, but studies show that even through calorie deprivation, adding resistance training avoids the loss of muscle (and in some cases, muscle gain). Tonight is just a cardio night, so that should be alright.

Well, I am geared up (thanks JJanet) and good to go - Warp Speed Fat Loss. I’ll do daily updates to tell you how it’s going. Hopefully I won’t be too grumpy or starving!

Cheers

Today, Mike Roussell and Alwyn Cosgrove produced a book entitled Warp Speed Fat Loss…. whereby if you follow the program you can lose 21lbs (of fat - no less) in 28 days. Now, I respect these two guys an awful lot, but 21lbs in 28days seems a little extreme to me…. And, it’s in a severe calorie restricted state! Ha, that is the opposite of everything I’ve read, but hey…. we’ll see.

So, rather than criticize, I bought the book and I’m gonna try it. Starting a week from yesterday (Monday, May 12), I will start the Warp Speed Fat Loss program. I’ll take pictures as well just to show my progress. I’m gonna take this weekend to read through the book just to make sure I’m ok with it.

And then, it’ll be time to get shredded! Summer time, b*tches………

1/ The media has absolutely ruined people’s perceptions of performance enhancing drugs. Not that I endorse steriods, but now people think that steriods act like an insta-muscle builder. At work yesterday, we have a guy who competes at super heavyweight (which in an engineering office environment is rare!) and there are some guys chatting about the NCAA pool and other crap as I happen to be passing by and they talk about how big the guy is and another guy says "yeah, but I mean he takes drugs. Anyone can be that big on drugs." I actually called the guy an idiot. I said "Whether or not he takes drugs, not everyone can squat 700+lbs, deadlift 600+lbs, Bench Press 550+lbs, eat 8 meals a day like clock-work and workout twice a day. Drugs or not, you couldn’t look that way cause you’re lazy!" I helped the guy with his contest prep once, and I genuinely wish some of these dicks in my office could suffer through a pre-contest diet. This Barry Bonds saga has made every ******* in North America an expert on drugs… reminder, Barry Bonds was a hall of famer long before the cream and the clear!

2. Which brings me to my next point. If your league doesn’t test for drugs, then are you really cheating? And on that note, would people be happier if nobody in pro sports used drugs? If your favorite player starts missing 4 games here and 3 games there with nagging calf strains, hamstring injuries, or sore shoulders, would that make you want to watch more games or less games? In reality, pro sports in the USA are becoming more and more like the WWE, if you think about it. We (the fans) expect super human things from our athletes. We expect basketball players to play 30 minutes a night, all while travelling and sometimes trying to balance family. We genuinely don’t care about their state of mind, we expect greatness night in and night out. I wouldn’t be surprised if it eventually comes out that Jordan used drugs. He would still be my favorite player of all time, and the things he did with a basketball will still be unfathomable to me. He played 30 minutes a night (or more), through injuries, averaged 30 points every night. Is he super-human, or was there assistance? I like watching soccer in Europe, and I think they’ve got their rotation policies right. They play between 35 and 50 games, depending on how many cup matches they have, in a season. They play every Saturday or Sunday, with the occasional mid-week games. Even then, they routinely rest players for upcoming big games. For me, that’s a lot better way to manage our athletes, and maybe a better way to limit the use of drug use.

3. Which brings me to my next point. I don’t understand why people can’t give others credit for hard work. A woman starts working out and dieting, and other women accuse her of starving herself, or say she’s too vain. Just because someone wants to take care of themself? I’ve been subject to every joke associated with drugs over my training career, I’ve almost become numb! I’ve actually developed some pretty mean comebacks as well. But seriously, not that I’m wonderful or anything (who am I kidding, of course I am lol kidding), but I admire people that work hard at anything and achieve something. If someone wants to compete, then I understand that sadly there are no real short-cuts! It takes work, end of story. That’s an achievement! It doesn’t make me any less of a person at all. In life, we’re not really in a competition, so I hate when people have to criticize to fulfill a void in themselves.

4. My Dog is driving me crazy…. for some reason, he believes that 3:45 am is the perfect time to play with his squeeky toy on the bed… 6 inches from my pillow… and if I don’t play with the first one (inevitably his favorite giraffe), then it’s the camel, then if still no result, it’s the santa chicken and if still no result, it’s my hands…. he bites my hand/arm whenever I try to move…. crouched in the covers with his 2 inch nub of a tail wagging slowly! That saga went on for 30 minutes this morning… and I’m tired now….

5. While I don’t normally like pop music, Jason Mraz’s acoustic version of I’m yours is just a fantastic song.

6. I’m about to sneak out of work. Have a good weekend.

Here’s a list of ramblings from today… mostly because I’m bored and tired and grumpy… low carb days make me cheerful… plus my boss is gone, so fcuk it…

1. I’m amazed that guys with comb-overs can actually leave their house. What amazes me even more is that they probably check themselves out in the mirror just to reaffirm how "not bald" they are… Can you imagine the mirror conversation? "Hello… My name is Larry…yes this is my real hair? Back to your place? Sure!" or "That’s right ladies, come get some…" Really makes me chuckle…..

2. To the fellas at my gym - I have no desire to see your junk, no matter how badly you want to show everyone. Please, just because I seem vulnerable as I’m tying up my shoelaces, that doesn’t mean you should come anywhere near me to chat unless your towel is covering you….completely. Also, putting your leg up on the bench to dry off with a towel is not cool, I don’t care who you are!

3. This is kind-of amusing. During a basketball game at my gym 3 weeks ago, someone broke the backboard, and almost tore the rim off. Hours later (on a friday night, I know I’m sad), I was doing suicides in the gym when the attendant came in and noticed the damage to the backboard. Just as a note, I’m 5′11" and 220lbs… and white….. dunking isn’t necessarily my forte… The guy looks at me and shouted "Hey man, did you do that?" to which I looked at him, then looked at myself and remarked "Maybe you should take another look at me and then think about your question… Have you lost your mind?" Eventually, he saw the humor, but it took awhile.

4. I went to a luncheon seminar this week about the danger of having high cholesterol. It was interesting. The lunch that was provided was equally interesting. Sandwichs (most went for the club), potato chips, soft drinks, cookies, brownies. The irony was almost too much to bear…

5. I was briefly watching that celebrity re-hab show, and was amazed at the girl from Family Matters on there. I asked what she was addicted to, and heard that she was addicted to pot… Immediately I was reminded of Bob Saget’s cameo in Half Baked… "Marijuana? Have you ever sucked d*ck for marijuana?"… After watching a little more, she gave an answer to that question… and it was a yes! I guess Half Baked was wrong….

6. I miss Dave Chappelle

I guess that’s all for now… maybe if I have a red-bull, I’ll be able to write something clever.