With My Own Wings

But this time I come back a new person!

Every other time I have left the site I come back with a sob story of how my life is a mess and I just need a boost. Well this time I say the hell with the crying and say hello to a new DeAnna!!!!

After getting out of the hospital I hit my heaviest weight ever and decided enough was enough. 197 lbs was just not going to cut it! I’m now at 151 but the BF% is my main concern now and a few days ago I found out I was down over 9% since early in the summer…. I am beyond shocked! I have changed my entire life, including cutting over 18inches of hair off and ending a terminal marriage for good. I am moving forward in ways I never thought possible and I thought it was time to share it with the wonderful people here.

So many days I had felt embarrased to come back for support for all the times I had failed but now I am thrilled to share my success in hope that I can encourage someone else that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Now that I have passed the initial test of facing my fears alone I am ready for the fight of my life and seriously consider some of the goals I had always thought were pipe dreams. Prepare yourselves… anything is possible!

Life has tossed me a few curve balls latley. For one, we got in an accident on our way to Fl. Granted it was minor in comparison to what I thought it was going to be. After we got back I came down with a severe case of bronchitis and ended up having to get tested for the swine flu (which I never thought I had but didn’t get a choice on being tested) and got a few days off work until the results came in. NEGATIVE!

Aside from that things have just been super hectic and I have let my training take a backseat to everyday life. Lame excuse I know but it happens to the best of us. Ah well, no reason to let it get me down just a reason to get motivated and get back at it. I made my goals to big to achieve so I am just going to take it one day at a time.

I keep getting caught up in what I want long term and forget that it takes baby steps in order to achieve any of it. I know it would help to have a workout partner but it’s hard enough for me to make friends let alone get someone to get up at 5am to hit the gym. I guess it’s all on me…

Normally, I would be ready to curl up with a good book, some hot chocolate and settle in to a long day at home. Instead, I’m going to make some heathly veggie soup and try to get a workout in here at home.

Here in central Ohio we have been hit really hard with snow and now the ice has started. Most couties are under a level 2 emergency and it’s still going. So this will not be a day for going out shopping or visiting friends, lol. I was thinking I would take the pooch out and play in the snow for some added activity but with the ice it may not be quite so much fun.

Any suggestions for winter weather activities besides what I want to do (eat) ?

I used to have trouble seeing myself fit. I used to lay awake trying to think of what it would be like to fit into the cute clothes again and wonder if it was even possible. Of course now that I realize the weight is not the issue, these things seem to come easier for me. Once I accepted that it was my health and overall well-being that I needed to focus on, the mental images seem to just flood my subconcious/dreams.

I’m not sure where I made the leap from "I want to be skinny", to " I want my life back" but I am so glad it happened. I am so thankful for the support I find here on Bodyspace. I browse for women who have achieved the goals I have set to remind myself that it can be done. For anyone just getting started this is a great tool for motivation.

Now to make the unseen visible to everyone!!!

Is it weird to want to improve yourself so much that people don’t recognize you anymore? I want jaws to drop when they see the changes in me. Not because I’m thinner, but me in general. I want to make some serious canges in my life so when I talk to friends/family they feel as though I am a new person. I’m tired of living a life of "what if?". I want to live a life of "whats next?".

I have never been one to back down from a challenge, but with that said I am typically the first one to get bored. I don’t mean to burn out, but perhaps I put everything I have on the line up front and then there is nothing else left to give later. I don’t want to feel that way anymore and to pursue my dreams I can’t afford to. At 27 I have already owned a small yet successful business, however due to our move north I let that go and now I am at the crossroads of whether or not I should continue here. I have yet to find anything as fullfilling as photography but the frightened little girl inside me says to just suck it up and go back to school for the guaranteed paycheck and stop dreaming. That same little girl is the one who also tells me to eat the M+M’s and ice cream, so I am pretty sure she doesn’t know what she is talking about.

Despite my lack of courage, I am constantly drawn back into the things I run from. Is this a sign?

So here I am in week two of my training. I was worried when last week came so natural and I had good reason to be. This week has been pretty tough and it didn’t help that my mouth looked like someone stuck an air hose in my lips ( love that dentist!). Why anyone would pay for puffy lips, I will never know!

Hubby is still not so supportive. I get the feeling he thinks I will never reach my goals and is kinda laughing at me for talking about it so much. When I ask if he see’s any improvement he just has that robot response of "yeah" and then nothing. Maybe it’s just me, but it’s nice to have that reminder that your doing it for a reason and that someone notices. I’m sure he doesn’t mean to come across like this, but I’m having a tough time staying motivated when I feel like he could care less.

I’m still not sure about goal setting. I don’t want to set them to high and then fail, but I also don’t want to set them so low that I don’t really try.  Here is a question… is losing 35lbs over the next 12 weeks attainable? That’s just shy of 3lbs a week. Comments?

Quick Edit: I am not looking for a quick fix, just a nice jumpstart! I have alot further to go than the 35lbs but I need to get my weight down or the doc plans to put me back on my meds for diabeties and it’s possible that he may add something for cholesterol. I have to lose some serious weight to keep this from happening otherwise I will end up like my mom and stuck on it forever. Trust me guys, I know it’s extreme to want to drop so much so fast but it’s nessecary for my health.

My first week was pretty successful. I denied the urge to cheat and managed to work out everyday without forcing myself to do it. Even last night when I drove 2 hours to see friends… I couldn’t get my workout in prior, so I made my friend Dave promise me I could use his gym or I wouldn’t come down, lol. Even at dinner last night I made wise choices and although I had a drink with dinner I don’t feel bad about it, I actully feel like I earned it!

This week seemed to be easy, almost TOO easy… Normally the first week for me is torture, so I’m worried what may happen in the coming weeks. Not a great attitude I know, but one has to wonder. To be honest I think that inner fear that I won’t succeed is what keeps driving me forward. Well, that and my skinny friend came to visit and was a nice reminder of why I want to build muscle and get lean. Skinny means squat if your flabby!

I dropped about 5lbs this week and although I am really proud of that, I know that it will slow down now. I’m ok with that, especially since my bodyfat was down .5% this morning. That is where my main focus has fallen. I’m not so worried about getting to a certian weight as much as reducing my bodyfat and losing inches.

I have to thank everyone here for all your support. I have recieved numerous emails and comments cheering me on and that means a great deal. Hubby is not so supportive, matter of fact he all but said he didn’t think I could do it. I wonder if thats part of my motivation? I am very competitve and hate to be wrong (yeah yeah, typical woman….blah blah) and hearing him tell me that just sparked something inside of me. Call it petty, but it’s working and that’s good enough for me.

So begins week two and I am sure my questions will be countless, but something tells me that you guys will have answers

So yesterday was the first day I didn’t think I was going to get thru. I kept telling myself that it was all worth it and to stay strong. Well I did really good, until 9pm. I was dying for sweets and figured just a little bit wouldn’t make that much of a difference. So I go the the fridge, then the freezer and there it was staring at me…..saying "I’m low fat, so it’s not cheating" I read the label and decided that 1/4 cup would be fair enough and then added some sliced bananas (thats my fav combo) and stood at the counter holdng my prize.

One bite in…God that tastes good!

Two bites… What am I doing?

Three… This is insane, all the work this week to throw it away over 1/4 cup of ice cream?

Four… Didn’t even get to my mouth before I tossed it all in the sink and started up the disposal.

At first it was painful seening my hard earned money disappear but then pride swept over me for sticking to my guns and saying no. This is a huge accomplishment for me since I never seem to be able to talk myself out of eating junk. After I walked from the kitchen it occured to me that for the first time I can actaully see myself fit and healthy. I’m not going for the quick fix, but for the life change and that makes me smile (although after 3 hours in the dentist chair this morning it’s easier said than done, lol).

I constantly counsel my family and friends to control what you can and let go of the rest. Last night I took my own advice and it felt great. It only got better when I weighed myself this morning to see I have dropped 4.4lbs since Monday! Go Me!

BTW: Thanks to everyone who sent me IM’s, PM’s and emails to help me on this journey. After yesterdays rant I think I am back to my old self and can let go of my petty disgust with the forum.  Thanks again!!!

Ok, so yesterday I posted in the training program forum hoping for some help. I have had one reply and all that did was point out that I wasn’t specific about my diet. Well, no shit!!! I posted there to get advice on diet and training, if I had it under control I would have never asked in the first place.

Basicly I need some direction on how to see the most improvement in the next 12 weeks. Workouts and diet to follow and some realistic goals.   I have a problem with goal setting because I don’t know what should be expected. I understand the each person is different, but I need a jumping off point so I don’t set my self up for failure by aiming to high.

I was under the impression that the forums was the place to get this kind of help, but nothing! If I wasn’t clear at least ask me some specific questions so I can try better explain myself… Come on guys!!! I really need some help!!!

Ok I was asked to provide more info on my situation and my goals. So here we go!

PCOS (Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) is exactly what is sounds like. Instead of eggs, my ovaries produce cysts. One of the many side effects of this disease is weight gain due to insulin resistance. I also have a high testosterone level which does aid me in muscle mass and an ability to increase in that area.
Ok so there is the challeges…. Now to the goals….

I am currently 184.6lbs and I would like to be at the 130lbs area.

I am 30% bodyfat and I would like to be at about 15% or lower.

I want to be muscular, not skinny!

I started a diet and workout routine designed by two figure competitors for Beverly Int.

Ok I think I have covered most of the general overview of what I want…..