Not so sure I can do this anymore… The blog will explain.
Upfront, those closest to me know I’m not into self-pitty, complaining, giving up, hot-temper, or fatigue. For the first time since I began working out a year ago, I did not finish my workout (which ended when I threw my 40 pound dumbells across the basement floor - very loud).
Qick summary, in November of 2005 I weighed in at 302 pounds. Dropped 120 pounds in 9 months and started working out and running to get healthier. Current weight 184. For those of you that have not had a weight problem, it might be difficult to understand the battle to eat right and to stay in shape.
My best friend, who is in Law Enforcement, once told me that "it takes 6 weeks to make a habit". He was trying to encourage me to lose weight. This advice may be true when it comes to certain things, but it most certainly does not pertain to behavior that it is more addicitve in nature. He was wrong, it’s a daily battle. Every meal, every day, every time of day, every holiday, every social event… everywhere & all of the time… there it is.
I didn’t get to weigh over 300 pounds having a healthy mind, nor has my mental state changed much over the last 2 years. My physical actions simply overtook my mental desire to live an unhealthy life. In my head, I’m still "fat marc". Once in a while, I’ll have a nightmare that I’m fat again… and as much as that though disgusts me, it is not enough to "scare" me into staying on track.
Physically, I’ve got everything going for me. I’m healthy, despite having been obese for so many years. I’ve lost so much fat and "appear" to be in decent shape. I’ve even trained with Lou Ferrigno at his home gym, and my exercise plan was created by him. But… my head… it’s still the same one that has gotten me into trouble so many times before. Hell, I even called him last week to arrange for another week of training, hoping it would kick me into high gear to get prepared. But… my head.
I have to wake up tomorrow morning, and do it right, again. I’ll watch my recording of last weeks "Biggest Loser" in hopes of finding some motivation. I’ll listen to the sound of my wife on the treadmill, and know that my turn comes in the morning while everyone is asleep. I’ll have to say no to the cookies someone will bring into work on Monday, fighting off their comment that "just one won’t hurt". I’ll remind myself of how difficult it was to do normal things like tying my shoe laces, talking and getting out of breath (and, yes, wiping my a**).
All of this in hopes of making it through another day. Self-doubt remains and I’m not sure that I can do this anymore.
October 13, 2007 at 9:28 pm
You can do it, you have come so far and accomplished so much. Find someone to help you search out and destroy the inner demons that make you think of yourself as fat marc. You’ve got a large community supporting you, don’t give up and don’t give in.
October 14, 2007 at 5:30 am
dont you dare think about giving up on yourself… that would seriously be the worst thing you can do… trust me i give up on myself all the time and now that you and other people have helped me im almost positive that i can do this. please dont give up
October 14, 2007 at 5:45 am
You’ve burned out my friend. Absolutely what happens to many and unfortunately, most individuals who undertake a fitness plan. At this point, you need to take a step back, evaluate your current fitness program and change some things up. "Variety" is used to describe the spice of life, well, trust me here when I say, variety is the spice of a successful and sustained fitness plan. Alter your cardio, change your weight lifting program completely, whatever. Scale back for six weeks, take a week off, re-challenge yourself, try stadiums, sprints, plyometrics…again, whatever. There’s a veritable plethora of things you can do to mix a program up, and if you are seriously thinking about quitting altogether, you owe it to yourself to try some different things first….Just thoughts from the hazy side…..
October 14, 2007 at 7:19 am
Marc Im not a personal trainer or a pastor but I do know one person who can help you and his name is Jesus……. I have no clue where or if you have a spiritual walk……. but remember there are a lot of people who love you and are cheering for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Psalm 46:1) God is our protection and our strength. He always helps in times of trouble.
(Philippians 4:13) I "YOU" can do all things things through Christ who strengthens me.
(Proverbs 3:6) Remember the Lord in everything you do. And he will give you success.
October 14, 2007 at 12:08 pm
dang dude, your doing so awesome. Thats a very strong blog about your trials! I know so many people with similar issues, and it’s too easy to give in. Mentally, after I sneak some cookies, I feel guilty and run a little farther, or also the aspect that we all need to reward ourselves once in awhile. I really like bodyauditors statement. Scale it way back, enjoy some leisurely jogging. I like to ride my bike indoors while watching tv
October 14, 2007 at 3:28 pm
I really wish I could give you a huge hug right now because I completely understand what you are feeling. When I was in highschool I weighed 170 pounds. By no means was I obese, but I was definitely overweight and felt horrible about myself. Over about 2 months my senior year, I dropped to 135 basically through excessive cardio and starvation. I’ve managed to keep the weight off somehow and have only gone back up to about 145 (which was this past spring). Now I’m back holding steady at 135, but my body shape has totally changed.
I competed in that online body transformation contest and it did wonders for me. But after I left the gym the night my trainer took my after pictures I started crying. I was terrified. I knew I had worked so hard, but then I became terrified when I realized I was going to have to keep it up to stay like that. I cried myself to sleep that night because I was sure I was going to wake up the next morning and be 170 pounds again.
I struggle like crazy to try and keep myself lean. I gain fat very easily if I don’t monitor what I’m eating and how much training I’m doing very very closely. I’m dealing with the same crap of people that just don’t understand it. Basically all my girlfriends are naturally lean and they don’t understand that the "one cookie" will really mess me up because that stuff adds up quickly on my body.
I’ve been beating myself up a lot lately with my "cheat meals". Once I start really looking how I want to, I go and eat a really excessive amount of food. And then of course I’m really mad at myself. But as I’m getting ready to eat all that food I just tell myself that it doesn’t matter anyway because in my mind I’m still fat. And it’s something that I’m trying really hard to get over, but I can’t.
And I know a lot of people won’t understand that, but I really think that you will. Which is why I am sitting here writing like crazy about stuff I’ve never really talked to anyone about before. If you need a support person, someone that truly understands, please feel free to talk to me. I’d really like it if you could do the same for me.
October 14, 2007 at 3:38 pm
Hi,
I admire the fact that you have done so much! I am currently at 178 and have just started, I know that I will struggle especially with the food as I have not got to this weight by eating healthily!
Please don’t give up, people like you are an inspiration to the raw beginners like me, I have always struggled with my weight and I am hoping that I will be able to manage it better while also improving how i see myself.
Please check out my blog and email me for a chat if you want, after all we are all here to help each other.
October 15, 2007 at 12:25 am
I shouldn’t start my commet with LOL because it may seem offensive… but when you read my recent blog you will understand!
I completely understand!
For those who don’t understand it is like being an alcoholic… you may be sober for 125 days but you know at any moment it could break and you could be back to square one and you are petrified that one day you will slip up and all this glorey will be taken away and you will end up back there back to that fat person that you hated…
I could go on, but I do not need to… Everyday is a battle and I think both you & me and many others in this same situataion have to come to the realisation that like an alocholic, it may always be a battle, we may always have cravings, may always have to use willpower, it isn’t going to be an easy ride… and that’s just the way it is so we have to deal with it, deal with each day, say no to the cookie again and again because we know one will hurt……..
But don’t be frightened about going backwards, because as I have changed so have you… the old marc would not have admitted that he is struggling… the old marc wouldn’t have even thought about saying no to the cookie, thought about the properties of it, how much fat, how much carbs, would have just eaten it and probably 5 more… this is how you ARE different now, these are the parts of your head that have changed, reward yourself for those changes…. because of these changes you will keep succeeding and keep looking great & always fighting the battle!
now to take my own advice & apply it to myself