mwanah’s BodyBlog

Thanks to EVERYONE for their very positive and constructive advice over the last week. None of you HAD to take the time to write, but you did. It’s one of the things that make BodySpace such an awesome community to be a part of.

I took a deep breath and went back to the plan that got me here. When my nutrition plan and workouts are handled strictly, I always feel better. Think of the feeling you get when there is something you need to do, a task at work, at home, a call to return, a chore to perform… and you DON”T do it… you get that guilty feeling that just won’t go away. Then, you just get it done, and the accompanying feeling of a job well done fuels your fire and ignites your engine to go another step.

This was an awesome week. My energy levels were perfectly maintained by a super-clean diet. I increased my cardio to every week-day morning before work. I’ve also gone  back to training each body part more often than once per week and am having measurable gains (in strength and size) as a result. I feel great.

Thanks again to you, and to me!

Upfront, those closest to me know I’m not into self-pitty, complaining, giving up, hot-temper, or fatigue. For the first time since I began working out a year ago,  I did not finish my workout (which ended when I threw my 40 pound dumbells across the basement floor - very loud).

Qick summary, in November of 2005 I weighed in at 302 pounds. Dropped 120 pounds in 9 months and started working out and running to get healthier. Current weight 184. For those of you that have not had a weight problem, it might be difficult to understand the battle to eat right and to stay in shape.

My best friend, who is in Law Enforcement, once told me that "it takes 6 weeks to make a habit". He was trying to encourage me to lose weight. This advice may be true when it comes to certain things, but it most certainly does not pertain to behavior that it is more addicitve in nature. He was wrong, it’s a daily battle. Every meal, every day, every time of day, every holiday, every social event… everywhere & all of the time… there it is.

I didn’t get to weigh over 300 pounds having a healthy mind, nor has my mental state changed much over the last 2 years. My physical actions simply overtook my mental desire to live an unhealthy life. In my head, I’m still "fat marc". Once in a while, I’ll have a nightmare that I’m fat again… and as much as that though disgusts me, it is not enough to "scare" me into staying on track.

Physically, I’ve got everything going for me. I’m healthy, despite having been obese for so many years. I’ve lost so much fat and "appear" to be in decent shape. I’ve even trained with Lou Ferrigno at his home gym, and my exercise plan was created by him. But… my head… it’s still the same one that has gotten me into trouble so many times before. Hell, I even called him last week to arrange for another week of training, hoping it would kick me into high gear to get prepared. But… my head.

I have to wake up tomorrow morning, and do it right, again. I’ll watch my recording of last weeks "Biggest Loser" in hopes of finding some motivation. I’ll listen to the sound of my wife on the treadmill, and know that my turn comes in the morning while everyone is asleep. I’ll have to say no to the cookies someone will bring into work on Monday, fighting off their comment that "just one won’t hurt". I’ll remind myself of how difficult it was to do normal things like tying my shoe laces, talking and getting out of breath (and, yes, wiping my a**).

All of this in hopes of making it through another day. Self-doubt remains and I’m not sure that I can do this anymore.