musclePhD’s BodyBlog

First of all, I had a BLAST with this organization and this particular show. After prejudging I really didn’t know if I would place considering the quality of competitors. I asked a few friends who saw the show what they thought and the consensus was that I had a definite chance for the top 5 but you never know how the judges will go sometime.
I ended up getting called out for top 5 (whew!!!) and placing 5th. This felt like a greater accomplishment than placing 2nd at the national qualifier I did a few weeks before. And then the scores came out…I was tied for 4th, lost the tiebreaker by just half a point, and was only half a point away from 3rd (along with the 4th place winner)! My whole class was a close call. The difference between 5th and 1st was a matter of 2 points. So even though I came home with 5th, I feel even more accomplished knowing that I was right in the mix with the top 5, and not just a distant 5th. Now it’s time to enjoy myself for a bit and then refocus on staying "normal" lean and training for an even better physique.

…and I REALLY like all the food I get to eat when I’m getting lean. I love to say that! I’ve been taking pictures of some of the meals I’ve cooked on my diet because 1) I love cooking, food and looking at food and 2) I want to show people how competition dieting can mean eating tons and tons of yummy things! Since I am a BIG fan of being really stuffed all day long, I’ve become a hardcore veggie fanatic. I’ll post a few pics of my recent meals.

I took home 4th out of 11 girls last night at South Texas Classic. Not bad, but not the 1st and overall I was training so hard for. Thanks to genetics, I don’t have curves (other than what I’ve shaped with muscle) and I don’t have a tiny waist. My waist is straight and my hips are small, so that sexy "x" shape that everyone wants is simply not attainable with my God-give physique. I was told I looked "blocky" and "think" on stage; I need to cut down the quads (even more!!), add more to my shoulders, and streamline my waist. I’m really, really tempted to consider Figure a fun try but not in the cards for me, but something is making me want to keep trying. I don’t know why–it’s expensive, tiring, makes me grumpy and keeps me from chocolate. I don’t necessarily enjoy being on stage, though I LOVE the challenge of getting to that point. So I’m going to give it a few more shots, thanks mainly to some great support and feedback I’ve received from both friends and strangers who do think I have a figure-worthy physique. And someone telling me (in a roundabout way) that I’m destined for failure makes me aggressively determined to TRY and prove them wrong, to do whatever it takes to create out of my "H" frame an "X" frame, or at least master the art of presenting that illusion on stage. At least I feel like I have some definite guidelines on where to take my physique. I need to continue to perfect the posing and then, somehow, totally reshape my body. Good think I LIKE it when things are almost impossibly hard…

In my teens I was absolutely fascinated by Linda Hamilton in T2. I tried to dress like her and emulate her kick ass attitude—and above all I dreamed of having her arms.  I was fascinated with muscle, maybe because I had a naturally muscular frame. In high school my only activity was tae kwon do, but my boyfriend complained that my arms were too much “like a dude’s.”  I didn’t even know what a bicep curl was at the time. That’s just how I was built! But I learned quickly that this wasn’t a “good” thing.  I could admire Hamilton onscreen but to actually become her seemed taboo according the reaction of people around me. Since the very minute I picked up a weight I risked crossing over into this forbidden territory, I purposefully stayed away.  For a long time my workouts focused on legs and abs (what a girl!) and cardio. LOTS of cardio. I became a long distance runner (which I still enjoy), ran a marathon and felt incredibly accepted—I was lean and toned but with not much shape (though I STILL got comments on my arms, go figure!). When you think about it, so much of our acceptance in society revolves around whether or not we have the “right” body.

I would always think about lifting weights, even when I treated them like poison. When I was considering cutting back on running to train for figure I was “secretly” doing some upper body work . I say secretly because once again I was getting negative feedback—don’t train hard you’ll get big! Watch out you’re looking bigger than your boyfriend! You better slow down you’ll crash and burn! I literally tried to work in reps when my naysayers weren’t looking! (fyi: I workout at a very small, social gym, and everyone knows everyone else, and they all have opinions to share!) I decided to compete almost out of a desperate longing to finally pursue a hobby that had been teasing me for years. Maybe if there was a “purpose” to lifting people would back off and I could finally do what I’d spent about 10 years longing to do: lift heavy, lift hard, and create the physique I’d always admired but purposely denied myself. I’ve always loved to stay active.  BUT NOTHING came close to the COMPLETE SATISFACTION of shaping my body with weights.  My body was ecstatic and overjoyed—and all too ready to grow. And I’m all too ready to keep this up. Sorry Mom, this isn’t just a phase.

But these past couple months I’ve been struggling, ONCE AGAIN, with negative energy.  My mom knows not to say anything, but when she sees me she looks so SAD—like I took something beautiful and destroyed it.  I’ve heard comments and seen looks that were definitely not approving.  Another competitor at the gym usually says, “You’re so big!” when she sees me, and it is just soaking with criticism. One guy told me only a bigger guy would look good dating me. He thinks he meant well, but I was incredibly insulted. I think I’ll look good with whoever I want to spend my time with, and I want to give him as much respect for his choices as I hope he gives to mine. I have A LOT of other things to offer other than muscle. And anyway I really dig the lean runner’s body on a guy! I really respect runners!! But it does get to me, feeling “unfeminine” or worrying if my passion for lifting is a “turn off.” I don’t know how many times I’ve heard, “You look ok but DON’T get any bigger!!” To put it simply, I feel like I offend people.

The point of this post/essay is to proclaim my acceptance of my physique. I have to stop obsessing over the negative comments and soak in the positive vibes that I DO get—from friends who encourage me, from people here on bodyspace, and from the strangers who say something positive—NOT “well you must workout!” as if I was a total obsessive freak who spends 8 hours in the gym. Timewise I probably workout LESS than most of the college girls in this town. I just eat healthy and maintain a low bodyfat. That’s where the real work is!

I LOVE MUSCLE. SO WHAT if I’m not a thin, tiny girl anymore. If that’s what you want, they are everywhere. But I’m not. I liked Linda Hamilton’s arms. I like my arms. Even when I find myself self-deprecating or even feeling jealous when I see a superthin girl wearing a top that I probably couldn’t squeeze my shoulders into, I still really, REALLY dig walking by a mirror and flexing my bicep. (-;

I’m starting to sense that excitement, that tension, that wonderful stir of upcoming competition…okay, so my diet is still about three months away but I am READY! I’ve been focusing more on my dissertation lately and that has been progressing well, so I’m starting to feel like I can indulge in more thought of competing. I’d really like to do better this year (a first place would be NICE)…no, I WILL do better this year! My biggest improvement so far has been just what the judges said to work on — my lats. I just love the sport of figure–what a crazy, thrilling, grueling, consuming, completely satisfying sport. I’m sure my excitement will be sky high after I see two of my friends hit the stage this spring/summer (kick ass girls! you know who you are!). Hopefully I’ll post up some new progress pics soon. I was getting a little too soft these past couple months (too many bad choices!), but I’ve been eating cleaner–I want to be able to coast into the diet. Thanks for all the great words of support!

Well yesterday was awesome–I let myself indulge in all my cravings without guilt for at least a whole day. Now it’s back to mostly clean eating. It was wonderful to go to the store and buy peanut butter, Eziekiel tortillas, hummus, milk, etc. I miss the little things. Winning second was highly motivating. Being a perfectionist and a competitive person, I’m excited to start training for next year and, hopefully, step into that first place spot. But whether that happens or not, I really love the journey to getting there, and especially meeting new people and making some great friends (especially from this site!). When I talk about my dissertation people’s eyes might glaze over, but with bodybuilding they get excited and share their own stories–it’s a wonderful way to connect to other people. Wow, this is starting to get corny so I’ll leave it at that!

My competition critique was what I expected–my quads are overpowering my body and, since symmetry and balance is important to figure, the judge said I need to get them down. I already lost so much muscle in my legs already since I started to train for the shows! I am not willing to cut my quads further, so my main goal for the next couple of months is to add size to my upper body and just maintain the muscle in my quads. I’m considering bodybuilding as a possibility. If I want I can put muscle on my legs almost instantly (thanks dad!). I get a lot of comments on my legs, but they are actually the smallest they have ever been. I definitely want to compete again in figure, but I’ve gotten a ton of feedback that I could do well in bodybuilding–including the judge herself, who said it would probably suit me better than figure (she only told me this after I asked).

Lots to think about! But for now I guess I should finally get some work done on my dissertation!

Sixth place at Texas State! I’m so excited! Next year I will come in and feel confident that I can place. I saw my pics and realized I definitely need to polish up that posing.

I am anxiously awaiting the placing to be posted online for the Texas State Championships! I didn’t place but I think I held my own against some really tough and seasoned competitors. I think I am in the top 8 based on the call outs…and that’s out of 14 girls at my first show! I learned a lot and am very ready to hit the stage again this Saturday for Lackland. My weakest area: POSING. I was so nervous I know that some of my poses were off. There were many girls up there with flawless and beautiful posing. I am uber motivated to go back next year and place even higher! Many thanks to KL Texas for AMAZING support and help. When I realized how huge the show was I was a bit freaked out and she kept me from crumbling into a panicky mess! (-:

I welcome ANY comments/critiques/advice. I posted a few pics my parents took. Unfortunately many of the shots were blurry and taken from far away. I’ll definitely be buying some of the professional stage shots and hopefully get some good ones from Lackland as well.

Well I am very nervous about my first competition this upcoming Saturday…my first one, and it’s a huge national qualifier. Yikes! My head is spinning with all the things I still need to do, and I’m accumulating quite a collection of half-legible lists of what to pack, what to do, what to eat, etc. It has been so awesome to have the support of the Bodyspace community–thanks to all who have stopped by and offered encouragement! I am really trying to not go on stage with any expectations for this first show, but I’ll put in my best effort and hopefully gain experience for the show the week after…and eventually I DO want a SWORD!!! But I am really enjoying this crazy journey of competing, which came at just the right time in life and helped me gain some needed self-confidence and renewed enthusiasm. Isn’t bodybuilding simply beautiful?

Thanks again! (-: