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MassFreak2063
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242 Lbs.
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MassFreak2063

New Blog - All I do is Win

http://confessionsofabodybuilderphysicist.wordpress.com/2012/06/10/all-i-do-is-win/

New Blog....disguntled a bit here

So I've started a new blog on wordpress...I don't know how many people follow on here....and after the change of everything trying to keep track of that has only gotten worse. I'm also still blacklisted on the forums on here for no reason, so I have little reason to cultivate this extensively. If any of you are following me....add me on http://www.facebook.com/Kywilli2063....


follow my new blog....Confessions of a Bodybuilder Physicist http://confessionsofabodybuilderphysicist.wordpress.com/


I also started the new one because 3/4 of the subject matter I've always talked about on here has nothing to do with bodybuilding anyway aside from the fact that a bodybuilder is going through it.


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It ain't all sunshine and rainbows...

I.....am supposed to be making my food for the week right now. But honestly, I feel so down I don't even want to do it. I don't know why this happens, I don't understand why I can workout, be positive and upbeat...and 6 hours later feel like the world is ending. I guess working out just makes you forget all the problems and **** in your life for awhile. 


I'm really getting fed up with this "job," I hate moving furniture, but this is usually, exponentially worse than like working with dad has always been. With dad, we pack for 2 or 3 days....load for ONE...drive for a day or two....and unload for a day....working local, I just load and load and unload and load day after day after ****ing day and I hate it. It makes me sore, it takes away from my workouts.....and I'm kinda half being made fun of most of the day too. It's just, ****in old already. Yea, I'm only doing it until July and the week before my show (assuming my fat ass will get in shape)....but ****....I just feel like every single day I do it is going to make any real career with my degree even harder to create. Who wants to hire a scientist that used to move furniture? And even if I leave that off the resume or whatever....who wants to hire someone that's been unemployed basically their whole life? 


When I was in school, I had a goal, I had a direction, I got to learn new things almost everyday.....the list goes on and on.....and now....what do I have? Nothing....nothing to show for all that work except a piece of paper that feels prettyyyyy ****ing worthless.


And of course, that's not even going into the category of I'm all alone STILL.


I know...I'm bodybuilding, I love bodybuilding, and it keeps me sane (relatively anyway).....but that's not a.....a purpose for a life. And it never has been for me, it's always been something I love, that I'm relatively good at, that I would like to turn into income for myself someday....but it's not an end all be all and was never meant to be. I'm smart, I'm brilliant, and I feel like everyday I move furniture I get dumber. My personal hopes for grad school for the fall have all but evaporated, I've not had no's from Kansas or Oklahoma, but I'm not holding my breath anymore....I don't know where to go from there really.


Sometimes I just feel like my whole life is just some dumbass scripted tragedy....bicep tear, Megan leaving me and all entailed there, working 6 years for a degree and not being able to do ANYTHING with it (at least it feels like it)......when the **** does it get better exactly?


My saving grace.....the gym, as it always has been, the only thing that makes the day brighter on a consistent basis.


I know, I know....so negative.....My dad would quote the styx song right about now: "Why must you be such an angry young man, when your future looks quite bright to me." I know you can look at it from certain angles and reason out that I've got the world by the balls and can do whatever I want.....I wish I could always see that angle.



Oh....and I do have a salad made for tomorrow....not like I'm not dieting bc I'm not making all the food....just might be screwing myself over for tomorrow.

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Epic

How about this for some epic cardio? This is what my player played this morning while I was getting my intervals on at 5:45 outside the apartment complex. 








Had to be at work for a group "meeting" at 7, only to figure out following the meeting i'm not working....so this is what I'm rocking now. New DRAGONFORCE!!!




New things....well I had my back waxed for the first time professionally last friday. That was fun. They were kinda out of wax when I got there so I also got a facial for cheaps, first one of those too. Whats not to like? Pretty girl touching my face for an hour....not like I can get that without paying for it lol. The actual waxing was no big deal, doesn't hurt nearly as bad with people that even half know what they're doing (this place is a school, so the girls are learning). Only part that did hurt was when this 3rd girl came to "help" and was doing the bottom of my back and was afraid to grab my ass to hold the skin. For some reason I think I got slapped when I suggested this was the problem. Pretty much I THINK I just flirted with the girl that did my facial and most of the wax for 2 hours....but I can't define flirting very well, so who knows. Regardless, it was fun.


Then yesterday, I went to the eye doctor...LOL well I went to the wrong eye doctor....but they took me anyway. It's a chain of sorts....so it's not quite as bad as it sounds, and to further complicate it, there are 2 of them actually in Arlington. The intern girl that did most of my exam was very pretty, and had gorgeous eyes herself....not as good as mine of course, but still ;)


Thennnnn, I went to my other appointment, which was a living social thing I got for a chiropractic exam, some active release therapy (which I had never heard of before), and a lil massage. The chiropractor was also pretty *shakes head* (I think maybe I'm just getting too deprived and everyone is pretty), she had green eyes....she's also at least like 8 months pregnant though lol. Which was interesting, she was able to adjust me and do the active release stuff just fine though. Even though baby hit me a couple times.


The active release is very cool, basically she'll grab hold of the tie-in or damaged area of whatever muscle, and she has you do a specific movement to take it from it's completely lengthened state to its completely contracted state, so you have to do the work basically. It hurt like HELL, and I have a retarded high pain tolerance as everyone prolly would think. I think it's better though that you do the "work" because afterall, there are prolly 1 in 1000 massage therapists that are as strong as myself.... My arm is a little sore from it today, hoping it helped a lot, last arm day was kinda hellish.


Today be back day, and I will destroy as usual. Really need to push width as much as I can after seeing my pics from sunday.

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And On it goes

Well....It's been awhile. I'm fully recovered physically from my tear....but my heart, well that's a different story. 


I still struggle daily with trying not to think about her...*shakes head in despair* I don't know what to do. Sometimes I"m distracted talking to a few friends that maybe I could see as replacements...but she comes back. I'm a broken record....I know. I feel like aside from the bodybuilding side of my life, since graduation I've been pretty much in a very depressed funk....which is continuing for the time being. I'm not using my brain much, and that quite frankly scares me....but worse, it leaves it open to contemplate her even more. I even shed tears today thinking of her. I hadn't counted the months recently, but I guess it's near 16 now. Whoever thinks it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all clearly didn't truly love the person in question. 


I'm contest prepping again, for the Branch Warren the day after my birthday, July 14th....I'm trying to be positive and upbeat about it. At least I'm more successful in that than any other area right now. Hoping to be 205-210....and I should be able to hit that, we shall see how everything progresses.


More than anything, I need that letter from one of the remaining grad schools that I applied to that says I'm in.....because the alternative, I really don't want to deal with. I simply CANNOT, go on in a vocation like moving where my brain is never challenged to even an iota of it's capacity, I wont....even if that means going back home and re-evaluating.

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Another Year Gone

Well, another year is pretty much in the books. Even though I've done some big things this year I can't help but feel that it has been by far the worst year of my life between the two huge negatives I've been trying to deal with. At least the one my body can heal....the other, well that really remains to be seen unfortunately. 


I've been contemplating the whole subject for the last month really, my life, and where it's going. I guess the whole grad school application process really made me start thinking. Of course, a lot is kinda scary....especially the still very much looming prospect of being alone forever. Notwithstanding the general uncertainty about pretty much everything except bodybuilding at the moment. I really have NO IDEA where I'll be this time next year...I would hope I will be back here with my family as I've always been physically, but everything else...who the hell knows. I could be living anywhere of six different places or more depending on if I apply to grad school anywhere else.


I am thankful for a lot at this juncture....my family, the fact that they're there for me, that my arm is fixed and almost healed, that I'm me and everything that means (my intelligence, will, morals etc), that I have my undergraduate degree done, that I made new maxes in all 3 big lifts this year, the list can go on. 


But then, there are the two hugely bad things that have happened too....2 things I can't possibly see how I could ever think were positive. And anyone who's read even 2 of my blogs probably knows what they are. My bicep tearing....and of course, the event that has, well I don't even know if trying to quantify what it's done to me is possible, less appropriate....that would be the loss of my best friend and previous love of my life of course, my sweetheart. I can't believe I can STILL refer to her like that....but part of my heart will always love her, no matter how much I should hate her, and how much she deserves that hatred for what she did. Pretty soon it will have been a year since I've talked to her, and already past a year since I held her of course. I still really have nothing positive to take away from that whole thing...I really can't help but feel that I would be better off had I never met her. I don't think that any love could be worth the pain of having something you come to believe is going to be a constant for the rest of your life ripped out of you. If someone had told me, or been able to make me feel how this has felt for even a split second beforehand, I don't think I would have come within a mile of her. I can appear steely, emotionless, and I dunno...even cold and heartless from the outside, but I'm far from it, and when I commit to something like I did the depth of those feelings.....well to find out they were.....misplaced.....and worse not shared with even half the intensity I held them.....I can't imagine that even getting shot, or stabbed, or put in some medieval torture device could hurt worse. Maybe people don't feel like me, I really don't know.....because if they did, I don't see how anyone could EVER do something like what happened to me. You need to be very very very very very very sure before you throw around the word Love.....I was. I am always sure of myself.


Anyway, I would really like to leave this in the past....to get past it....to find someone else that is even better for me....(and at least as beautiful....still not sure GREATER beauty exists...I thought that much of her.). That whole feat is proving exceedingly difficult though......I'd rather solve every problem in my quantum mechanics book than have to do this....and that's a lot of problems. Just doesn't seem like there are many people compatible in the least....and I can't play some kind of game of roulette with what precious little is left of my heart. And above that, I still have dreams about her. I had really hoped that those were over....but I had a really elaborate one 2 nights ago, and she was in the ones I recall from last night too. It sucks....I have no idea how to fix that. I'll do the only thing I can do....keep pushin on.


At least my arm is healed up mostly....I can deadlift heavy again, well relatively heavy, 495 today...still don't feel comfortable going heavier than that. I can squat too....and am phasing in some bicep stuff for that arm. It's sore, but I think the soreness is just a result of it sitting almost completely dormant for more than 6 weeks.


So I have things to look forward to....getting my arm back to 100%....grad school....and the whole adventure to ensure surrounding it....competing next year at some point. I can live and be alone if I must....better than settling for someone that doesn't deserve me anyway....maybe I'll get a dog if I can figure out how to afford it.


So that's that.....my final thoughts for 2011.....may you NEVER, EVER, repeat yourself please....and happy new year to everyone!

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Healing....and the Anniversary

I've not written in awhile, been busy healing and working on grad school applications. Both are going well, and I want to hit on those a bit before I launch into what will most likely be a tearful tirade about the other subject at hand. 


I haven't worn my brace since Sunday I believe, and I'm supposed to be wearing for another two weeks from today. My doctor actually attempted to convince me that no matter any outside factors (nutrition, supplements, genes), biology is biology and everyone is going to heal at the same rate!!! ROFL...I was almost too shocked to argue. Needless to say I consider that complete bull**** and I'm healing at a rate much faster than they think I should be. Branch actually told me to throw my brace in the river the other day lol. At the moment I have almost all of my range of motion back...and I was even able to do a couple things on that side for back on Monday. I was very very happy to get a pump all throughout my back. 


So if any of you ever tear your bicep, if you're nutrition is on point and everything you will not need 12 weeks to heal completely. I plan on starting to do some light bicep stuff on Friday, and yes I mean VERY light. I'm not stupid, but at the same time I'm definitely gonna push the envelope so I can get everything rocking again.


On the grad school front I have everything lined up to start finishing applications in quick order. I has taken me longer than I expected to get my personal statement done to my liking, and I'm going to keep editing it as I apply to places as well. My first applications (earliest deadlines, dec 31st) should be done tomorrow and turned in, Washington University and Kansas. The others will all shortly follow, I'm applying to 8-10 schools in all.



*sigh* Now onto the thing that perhaps I shouldn't mention....but alas I really feel like I have to. Tomorrow will be the one year anniversary of *thinks* yea I think that was the worst day of my life, Megan leaving.


I"m not sure of the exact date I was so stricken, but I know last year it was the Thursday of finals week, the afternoon. And Mizzou has finals this week. I can still remember it all far too vividly. I still wish I could just forget her...I thought she was the one, I was happy with her...but in the end all she brought was pain that wont stop and debilitating strife. Reminds me of the joan jett song. 



 Of course it's pointless to even think about....there's nothing left to say I haven't said over and over on here...but it still breaks my heart to think about. And I don't think a day goes by where I don't shed at least one tear for her.


Just have to remember....She made her choice....no matter how wrong it was. I can't make someone love me...and someone that would leave like she did doesn't DESERVE any iota of space in my heart. Some day I'll be able to purger her completely.....I can't wait for that day. I really hate it when I start to hope about some cockamamie scheme that could let us be together again...that's the worst.


It's just a good thing she didn't cheat on me....or that I didn't know about it...because the perpetrators of THAT would not live. That kind of blaspheme would not go unpunished in my life.



phewww.....well that wasn't half as bad as I thought it would be...yay :)



and some feel good to end :) :)



*does a dance*

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Taking the Brace off and Grad School

Man...feeling awefully tired here in the waning hours of the day, that's for sure...but I wanted to write a bit about how I'm healing and how the Grad School search is going too. 


Today I trained shoulders without my brace on! :) This is the first time since surgery I've done a whole workout without it on. I did do a few things for that tricep a couple days ago, but I did my whole shoulder workout without it today only 18 days post surgery. 


Is this what i'm 'supposed' to be doing? Of course not, I think if the doctors had their way I'd still be locked in the brace with no movement at all. The fact that I'm so blatantly disobeying the healing 'standard' for this does make me a little bit paranoid, but I can't let everything I've worked for wither away to nothing...and it felt find to do what I did. People like me, the physical elite that take care of their bodies with the utmost care will heal a helluva lot faster, that's a simple fact. Now of course, regardless of that I'm being extremely careful....it just felt sooooooo good and was such a relief to get a pump in that delt.


I don't know if I'm healing so fast because of the Ambrotose mom has me on or because I'm me...or because there was so much of my tendon left to play with in the surgery, but I'm extremely thankful...I'm strong, but mentally I don't know if I could deal with an extensive, long recovery.


I figure now I can train shoulders, chest, and triceps more or less like normal...except lighters weights for a time. And I'll start doing indirect stuff for my bicep at 4 weeks....and work from there depending on how it feels. I still have the numb area unfortunately....and the part of my arm I suspect is right above where the bone was drilled is still very hard to the touch and I guess inflamed from the healing processes at work in there.


The only other thing I'm focusing on right now is grad school apps....which I guess really falls under figuring out my life lol. Much more overarching and daunting than the other term makes it sound.


It's definitely a process....there are so many choices, and lots of them have a lot of Astrophysics research...tough to pick just a few. At the moment my list reads as follows:


Washington University in St. Louis


Kansas


Mizzou


Oklahoma


University of Colorado Boulder


Montana State


University of California Berkeley


and Iowa.....


But that can still evolve and change...the only 100%s that I have at the moment are the first five. And realistically Mizzou may drop off there because of what my mentor there is going through :( She's having some health issues and may not be able to keep teaching unfortunately depending on how it all plays out. That weighs on my heart, she's always been my biggest academic supporter...I hope she can prevail and be more than ok.


Anyway....I'm basically resigned to the fact that where ever I go to school I'm just going to have to buy heavier dumbbells for myself and lug them around with me. 150s to 200s prolly. By 10s or 20s I don't know. It's definitely a must if I'm going to go somewhere for 5 or 6 years whilst getting my Phd.


I'm gonna have all this stuff done by the end of the year, a lot of the applications are due on the 31st of December anyway....then comes the waiting.


Just gonna have to see what happens...I know I don't want to only have a bachelor's degree my whole life though...and I know I've not learned all I want to in physics and astrophysics yet.


All of this uncertainty and stuff with everything for 2012 right now makes me unsure as to if I'm going to compete next year. I literally have NO idea where I'll be living at the end of next summer at this point lol. Really don't know what I'm doing even January 1st....the money truck has come to bite me in the ass and I'm not sure how to go about evading it yet.

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Dream

Well I had horrible dreams all night. I'm pretty tired of it. All about Megan of course. There's a stupid heater vent under my bed at home, and when it turns on it turns my bed into a furnace and I immediately wake up...and even waking up a good number of times I went right back to the same dream upon sleep. 


I don't remember the beginning very well, but we were together, and she wasn't pregnant...I remember wondering how that could be but somehow believing it was real. Then she went somewhere, shopping or a little trip or something and everyone came to our apartment...I'm relatively sure we were living in Florida for some reason. But anyway....everyone cleaned, even her parents were there and helping....they all cleaned while they waited for her to come back. By the end of the dream though...or when I decided to get up for good because it was morning and I was sick of the depressives of it....she still hadn't returned....and I couldn't call her or get a hold of her at all. I remember thinking that she couldn't have left though....it ending up being a plea....because her dog was still there. Not the one I hate, for some reason she had a pug.


Anyway....not a good way to start the day at all :( :( :( *sigh*

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The Recovery

So today I'm 10 days post surgery to attach my distal biceps tendon. The surgery went fine. I'm very thankful that Rendy and Christine (the owners of metroflex fort worth) were able to take me to it and stuff since none of my family could be there. Regardless of the fact that I've been in Texas for 5 months or whatever I don't really have any "friends" or whatever. Which really isn't all that out of the norm for me. I mean, you all know I don't drink, and I don't frequent bars and clubs since I don't wish to be around drinking. I just don't have many places to meet anyone. Thus far in Texas I basically do two things, I go to the gym...and I go to my apartment. 


Anyway, moving along. I was kinda worried and nervous the day of the surgery of course. I don't do doctors hardly at all....and to have someone else be in total control of me is a scary prospect. Thankfully it all ended up ok though. I kept my piercings in until the last minute before anesthesia, my tongue has never been out for more than 30 seconds so I was most concerned about it. It was fine though....they rolled me back.....went sleepies....and then I woke up with my arm all wrapped up and such. I tried to trick the nurse with the pretty eyes taking care of me to help put my nipple piercings back in...but she wouldn't have any of it :( I had to have Rendy help...can't really put piercings that have balls back in with one hand. I'm very thankful he helped, my nipples were already a bit closed after the surgery.


Stayed at the place and woke up for awhile...then they got me ready to go home. Walking was interesting....especially since the aforementioned nurse was probably all of 110 pounds and was the only one helping me along. If I'd have fallen....I'm not sure she would have made it.


After I got home I ate and such....and basically watched TV and stuff the rest of the day. Never took ONE of my stupid pain killers....this didn't hurt even half as much as my circumcision when I was 20 did anyway, and I never took anything for that either. I like pain, bring it.


So post surgery I'm supposed to have this thing completely immobilized....still I think. But I'm not, it feels pretty good, and is healing up nice. I don't think the being out for 12 weeks suggestion/estimate is going to be remotely true. Already I can almost straighten my arm all the way, and I can turn my hand pretty far already too with no pain. I think at the 3 week mark I'll start training both sides with shoulder and chest and see how that goes. Then the next week some really light indirect work on the bicep itself.


I do have a numb spot still. Which I'm concerned about, but I can't really do much about it other than hope it comes back. I don't like that in my post operative visit the physician's assistant was VERY quick to point out that the feeling may never come back. Kinda suspicious to me. I dunno, I trust it will be ok. It's pretty much all the inside of my forearm, a larger area up toward the wound, literally can't feel anything whatsoever. I just hope it comes back.


So all in all, even though this has been by far my worst year ever with Megan leaving and shattering my heart and then this injury (among some other things), I know it could be worse, and I'm thankful that it's not. I will be back to 100% lifting, and that is the MOST important thing to take away.

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The Time Approaches

Well....we're getting close to that time. Last year at this time I was excited, joyful, exuberant.....the love of my life was returning to me in a matter of days. The one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with...this year....a different story, pretty much the antithesis of that story of the past. 


Obviously, since I mention it, I still think about her. I still think about her extensively. I know it's over, I know she never wants to see me again, I know barring some kind of miracle we COULD never be together again. I know all of this...and still every morning I wake up alone it feels like a knife twists in my heart...I still miss her. The reality cannot change...I need to move on. I know this. What my brain/heart does though is that it sees no reason to complete sever her when there is no one on the horizon to erase her. 


I think i've realized the simple fact of the matter. The memories I have with her are the happiest ones I'm in possession of....locking the away, not revisiting them just doesn't seem viable to my brain. With the tears of loss and loneliness I can still remember the love and joy of being with her. Now I admit....from the outside it probably didn't appear as I feel it was, my own parents both deny my stance to a point. But how much did I smile then? I remember vividly how much people commented on that....for anything I maybe didn't love there were more things I did. 


Does this line of thinking make sense to anyone? Not letting go completely without having someone else to fill the hole? I don't know if this is common or not. I don't know if it is really the best course or not. And I definitely know I don't know how to find someone to replace her in my heart.


I think perhaps that's another facet of the whole thing. My heart and mind don't want to let that go....regardless of what she really felt for me the whole time....to come to a reality where no one loves me. A reality where the loneliness is not transient...but eternal, a life sentence. That's the fear. At least I can convince myself (regardless of what the reality was...not gonna know from her anyway) that someone did care about me once....even if no one ever does again.


I know I will continue on, I will persevere....it's what I do. But I can't know with certainty whether anyone will ever hold my hand whilst I drift off to sleep again.


And of course....along that line. When you haven't had any lovins for nigh a year...it wears on you. It wears on me a lot. Today I've been tempted, I've thought about letting manwhorish ways into myself...is that a possibility for me? I really don't think so...but no sex ever takes its' toll.


I just don't think it would really solve anything in reality though...I would just see her if I was with a girl I didn't care for. And that could be more debilitating than just being deprived. This is one of the only purposes of porn to me after-all.


I guess we'll just have to see....there is uncertainty in most of my future right now.

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What's a Freak gotta do?

So, I was at the gym today doing some Arms (minus my left bicep of course), and I managed to get a decent pump and such. And maybe half an hour before I was gonna leave these 3 girls that are OBVIOUSLY way out of place come into the gym. So I was wonderin what the hell? You could smell them before they even came in the door btw...I always notice that at metroflex though, you can immediately smell when a female is close. I don't know if that's pheromones, or just the fact they all wear too much flowery smelly ****, but anyway. 


So upon eavesdropping, I heard something about Bodybuilding Culture, so I guess they were doing a report for school, late high school, maybe early college by the look of them. So I thought...well I'm def the biggest guy in here today, guess I'm gonna get interviewed. I was even in non scary mode wearing my glasses and such. But NO!!!! They didn't say anything to me! Even when I was leaving, done working out! They interviewed a few other people in the gym, but not Massfreak, nope. I might have been the only one in there today that has competed too!


So I'm still scary in non scary mode and with a torn bicep? What the Hell does a Freak got to do? *shakes head* Silly, silly, stupid females...they just can't fathom what they're missing. One of them was very pretty too....of course....she had a factory's worth of make-up on so who knows for sure.


I was just very surprised.  

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The Fall and the Rise of Tyr

Well, unfortunately it finally happened. I've incurred a real injury...one that will not heal on it's own and needs attention. It surely sucks ass...but I will not let something like this beat me. At first I was scared...no I was literally petrified. I've never taken time like I'm gonna be forced to take off ever, since I started lifting. And on top of that no insurance, so this is going to be out of pocket. I was definitely afraid at first that if it needed surgery (which I was pretty sure it would since basically the instant it happened), that Dad would say I'm on my own or that I don't need it fixed or something. Not getting it fixed would basically assure me never being able to compete again in bodybuilding...then I would become suicidal, no doubt there. But thankfully, my eternally wonderful parents (don't tell them I said that) understand the gravity of the issue and will help. I offered to make a note and workout something to pay them back, and I will even if they don't want me to I think....I'm very greatful that they will help. 


I'm getting ahead of myself a bit though. How the HELL did this happen you ask? Well...aside from jumping out of the back of the pickup going 20 mph and thinking I could stay upright when I was 12ish....it happened doing the second stupidest thing of my life. Well a note on that, I have no idea how to quantify the stupidity that made me love and care for Megan so much...so it might be the 3rd stupidest. But anyway, I trained back last Saturday, probably my favorite thing to train really. Deadlifted 635 with no baby powder easily...put an extra 45 on the lat pulldown machine and did 12...AWESOME workout really. Then I'm leaving....and they're playing with the big tire in the parking lot....and actually, at that point, it was sitting in front of the Excursion, precluding my departure. And the people flipping it are having trouble with the big bitch (supposed 650, but I think it's heavier). So I'm like (stupidly), let me give it a try, it's just a tire right? WRONGGGG oh soooooo WRONG, it's an evil monster. I squat down, try to get my hands under it and set well (I've flipped tires before, even biggies) start to drive....and POP ....and that was that. My left arm immediately went completely numb. Thus began the nightmare that leads us to today. I did tell Chris (very knowledgeable trainer and massage therapist guy at the gym) that I hurt it before leaving...and he didn't think it was a complete tear upon examining me. It had just happened though. Driving home....I tried to use the turn signal a couple times with my left hand...and it was like my brain didn't know where my arm was...by now I'm crying. Not because of pain mind you, but because I'm very scared of the ramifications. I couldn't get mom or dad on the phone for a couple hours. So I did what I know to do, ice it and not move it too much. The fact that I got ice on it so quick and so often is probably why it's not completely black with bruising now, even though the bruise in my forearm is the worst one I can ever remember having by far.


So after finally getting dad on the phone (not mom like I may have preferred) and pretty much completely breaking down bawling (only time there's been more crying in my life was when Megan left me) (This year has just been FANTASTIC hasn't it?)....he actually made me feel a little better and assured me we'd get it taken care of. So at least that fear was lessened, now the biggest fear is around not being able to train right until it's healed up again.


Dad got a hold of the number for the guy that is the head physician for the Rangers....and I got in to see him on Thursday finally. From saturday to Thursday was just an endless sea of depression. From Sunday until the appt I didn't leave my apartment except to take the trash out on Wednesday. Upon getting to my appt, it didn't take him long to determine (even sans an MRI at that point) that it was either a complete tear or close enough that it would need operated on anyway. So, the surgery is set, Wednesday. And after that, I have to have I think a soft cast (whatever that is) for a week, and then a range of motion brace for like 5 or 6 weeks.


The good news is that after talking to Bryan (owner of metroflex), I don't think I'll be out nearly the 12 weeks that the doctor says for 100% back for the Attack. My goal is going to be more along the lines of 2 months. End of January I want to be back 100%. People like me heal a lot faster than sedentary people that eat junk food. I will be giving my body more nutrients than it knows what to do with to seal this mother up quick. Bryan said the first time Branch tore something and had to get it reattached he listened to the doctors...and ended up with a 12 inch arm....since then he doesn't listen lol. We're gonna go with an approach more along those lines.


And of course during my out time I will still be training my right side and DESTROYING legs the best I can. You can beat me down, tear me up, but you sure as hell ain't gonna beat me.


I was actually able to do chest and shoulders the last two days. Figured I'm already torn, might as well get as much blood in there as I can before the left side is out completely for awhile. And while the tear doesn't bother me much doing those things...loading that side I can tell a HUGE difference in stability compared to my right side. And every so often it'll tweak and flex my left bicep...which doesn't really hurt...but having it ball up certainly feels ****ing weird and freaks you out.


I may be down for awhile...but I'm not out. Assuming my timetable is right I should still be able to bulk good for a time next year and then do the Europa again. And this time actually take some names.  

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Passages

I wanted to share a passage from the Sword of Truth book I'm on, Naked Empire, I actually have quite a few marked in it, but they're not all of the same subject. At the moment I want to share one of Richard and Kahlan's interactions. It's a bit long, but makes even my leaden heart soar. ::


   Richard brushed pine needles off the back of the sleeve of Kahlan's dress. "Here, hold still; let me look at you."


Kahlan turned back, arms at her sides, as he smoothed the fabric at her upper arms. Her unafraid green eyes, beneath eyebrows that had the graceful arch of a raptor's wings in flight, met his gaze. Her features seemed to have only grown more exquisite since he had first met her. Her look, her pose, the way she gazed at him as if she could see into his soul, struck a chord in him. Clearly evident in her eyes was the intelligence that had from the first so captivated him.


   "Why are you looking at me like that?"


   Despite everything, he couldn't hold back his smile. "Standing there like that, in that dress, your long hair so beautiful, the green of the trees behind you...it just suddenly reminded me of the first time I saw you."


   Her special smile, the smile she gave no one but him, spread radiantly through her bewitching eyes. She put her wrists on his shoulders and locked her fingers behind his neck, pulling him into a kiss.


   As it always did, her kiss so completely consumed him with his need of her that he momentarily lost track of the world. She melted into his embrace. For that moment there was no Imperial Order, no Bandakar, no D'Haran Empire, no Sword of Truth, no chimes, no gift turning its power against him, no poison, no warning beacons, no black-tipped races, no Jagang, no Nicholas, no Sisters of the Dark. Her kiss made him forget everything but her. In that moment there was nothing but the two of them. Kahlan made his life complete; her kiss reaffirmed that bond.



Like I said, a bit long, but beautiful beyond anything I can put to words. Sometimes I feel like giving up...especially in the dept of love. The only thing that gives me any solace, any hope that there is someone out there, is Richard and Kahlan's story. Somtimes I'll get caught up in the reality of it, get down on myself, but I come back...as soon as I remember their struggles, and how they came to be, and their never ending love and care for one another, I start to believe again. If even just a little bit, at least the sputtering flame is not put out completely. Even a match can light the way through the darkest depths after all.

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Barriers to entry...pt 1 of....??

So in light of the ever mounting evidence that I ****ed up far more than royally letting my ex into my heart (the moron is pregnant now...with a half breed no less), we are going to set forth some ground rules that will govern any future female interactions. So the first set of rules to achieve a date with a freak goes as:


1. If you haven't seen Star Wars.....do I really need to say anything else? Oh and related...if you HAVE seen Star Wars and Odin forbid you don't like it....better run in the other direction.


2. If you like demeaning rap **** *** music (I know it's repetitive since all rap is demeaning in one way or another) don't call me.


3. If you are offended by things like me using the words "retard," "***," or pretty much any other politically incorrect term...I'm sorry, but it's probably not going to work out.


4. If your brain is so damaged you can't remember movies you've seen....maybe you should have laid off the drugs and alcohol in high school.


5. Along that line, if your highest aspiration in life is to be a model, or any related "profession"...well for one, No...and for two....please don't have any kids.


6. Still following that line of thinking....if you don't know what an asymptote is, you're out.


7. Alcohol...no...and yes I mean NEVER, I will never have that around my children or myself, period. Same goes with smoking.


8. If you've had more than 15 sexual partners...ever....you're a whore. Now in VERY special circumstances this could be overturned, but you are going to have to earn it, that's for sure. And don't give me that double standard bs because I've had THREE partners, and plan on 4 being it.


9. If anal really is a complete no, no, never land....you're also out. I need somebody a lot more exploratory in bed than that. And news flash, when you're not with a douchebag, it doesn't hurt.


10. If you like/own/or have ever owned a rat dog....*throws up in mouth*....and to me that's anything less than 40 pounds. Sorry, I hate small dogs.



I think that's good for now....I'm sure I'll continue.

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