marrihulskamp’s BodyBlog

Not nice to see my weight going up again.  I can take responsibility for it and assess where things have gone wrong.

1. I was lifting weights x 3 a week for at least an hour.  I have gone back to studying now and am behind the desk a lot of the time.

2. I well and truly overdid it on my daughters birthday and gained 5lbs in this week.

3. I’m bloated from periods.

4. Boyfriend eats takeaways all the time, 3 x a day if he can. He doesn’t make shopping a piority at all, unless he is buying tons of meat.He expects me to run around with him and put everything else on hold.

It is disappointing.

1. My boyfriend bought me a ring that fit mean now its just a bit too tight to wear.

2. My new clothes that I was so happy to get into are feeling tighter.

3. S3x was feeling better with less fat, now it isnt feeling so good.  In fact I can’t really be bothered.

4. My boyfriends gone to the mines today 6/1.  I miss him but I’m glad cuz I don’t want him to touch me like this. That in itself is upsetting.

So I guess I needto..

1. Set a shopping day or two a week

2. Get back into exercise

3.  Find out if there is something I dcan take to stop bloating

4. Organize a healthy menu for special occasions

For some time now I have been on a plateau with my weight… but I’ve dropped a dress size.  I was just about to complain about it and 3 weeks later stepped on the scale to see that the weight did drop. So thats good.

It seems like forever since I joined this site. I wish that my progress wass faster.  I can see a huge difference in myself though.  I am down from a size 28US to a size 20US.  I have had to throw out my wardrobe items- a couple of times.  Although shopping fo a big girl is not easy, it is much easier at this weight than the old weight.  I may not have many options, but at least I have more options and can say no if an item isnt my colour or to my liking.  Before it was a case of ‘oh thank god a size 28!’  I didnt have a choice when it came to colours/ patterns.  I am  looking forward to getting to a comfortable size 20US because there are so many clothes available at that size- some (but not many) in the regular sized peoples patterns/ colours.  Being fat is aging when it comes to clothes.

I dont look in th mirror anymore and see a blob creature or a monster. I really did use to see that.  I dont even get called ‘fat’ anymore by idiot drunks at the clubs I work as Im throwing them out the door.  Now days I get comments like ‘b*itch’ and ‘you think your superwoman’ and ‘you’ve got balls huh’.  Anything is nicer than ‘you fat wh*re’.

When I look in the mirrror I still see ‘fat’, oh and my skin going lose, but I also see myself and think I look quite pretty. I used to wear a lot of makeup and pluck my eyebrows very thin to look as glamerous as I could to hide the monster I would see in th mirror. I hadn’t realised that I was using makeup to hide. 

Now days I don’t wear much more than the natural look makeup- a bit of powder and some lipgloss, my hair isnt sprayed into a tight style and my eyebrows are shaped but thicker.  I think I can actually say I like the way I look, a little bit, without tons of makeup. I still find it hard.

I am fat but I am not the fattest person where ever I go. I said it to a guy the other night at work and he just looked at me and said, ‘you’re not big’ I doubted him. He said it again,  ‘your not big, I know heaps of girls bigger than you!  You’re just intimidating cuz you’ve got a look you have as a bouncer, you look sraight through people- you scare the crap out of me- but its not because of your size.’

I took it as a compliment- its better than being called fat.

My bouncing work is quite at the moment. Winters coming and not so many people are going out. I am taking a break from clubs and got myself a position as head doorman (person) at a licenced bowling alley.  I pack away 34 lanes of balls every shift by myself to build up my arm strength- still tying to get rid of my batwings.

Right now I don’t care that I’m sagging in places. I’ve been ill for a few months after having an allergic reaction to some persciption medicines I took for a migraine, and its made me realise that although it would be geat to have a perfect body, its more important for me to be healthy. I finally seem to have recovered and it made me realise that although my life has been difficult I’m grateful to God that I have a life- its a beautiful world and I’m glad to be here.  I’ve been researching pre and po- biotics and natural medicines.  I think thats the way that I want to go in my life. I have been chaniging my diet to reflect that.

 I am still too hard on myself- I still have a certain ammount of self loathing. But its not as bad as it was. I cant help but feel better as I can move around now, go swimmming with my kids, go bowling and do many things that I just couldnt do before.

It is only 2 years ago I was my peak weight of 325lbs where I could barely walk on my legs for 20 meters without feeling tired from the weight of them. I’m 50 lbs less… most of it lost in the last year.  I know many people do better than that and I wish I was one of them but Im not. My weightloss is slow, it doesnt come from me working out constantly or dieting.  I’m just trying to live a more active life and give new acivities a go- to have fun. Im just learning to say no to eatting crap…. one meal at a time. I never could say no before…. but now its not so bad… I like the healthier foods Im eating.  Its not perfect, neither am I… and maybe thats ok.

I have a crush on Bear Grylls from Man v’s Wild LOL- don’t ask me why ~ I’m scared of spiders and Im sure he eats them for breakfast… he is not my ‘type’ but I think it may be because he loves the world so much its made me appreciate it more and want to be a part of it more. I would love to be able to go hiking and canoeing.  I cant wait till the day that I can do things like that comfortably.

1. I’m well- healthy again! No more flu after a month sick! And I’m back in the gym and having fun with it. I actuall really enjoy going to the gym. I’ve noticed that its helping me release the built up stress from work/ life. I look forward to going back each day, to planning my workouts etc… I did a wonderful Pump class the other day, that is doing aerobics with a barbell. I did keep up with the class  and the weights were probably too light but when it got to the triceps I was shaking.  I really need to work on them!

2. I’ve done two healthy shoppings now and even my youngest picky eater is starting to eat foods I never would have believed before (cooked tomatoes etc). I am planning meals and its working out just fine. There have been a couple of times at lunch where I’ve craved my own healthy lunches over takeaway ones. I love spinach leaves- yum.

3. The boy from work who was beaten up is recovering and was not left brain damaged. He’s doing really well now.

So everything’s ok. I just need to start dropping weight. Not much has happened in a while and while I feel stronger and am smaller I just need to get it down more. I hope the gym will help. I might start taking a fat burner. I hate my stomach most of all.  It’s got to go!

Having been the largest person in my class during school, and I don’t mean fat- I mean tall and solid, I learned when I was about 14 that I could really hurt someone if I was violent towards them. I wont say how I learned that because I’m still ashamed to this day of what I did but until that moment I just didn’t know how strong I was. Needless to say the other person- a smaller boy wasn’t permanently injured but his mother came over and gave me a ‘look’. You know the ‘look’- the ‘you should be ashamed on yourself, why don’t you pick on someone your own size’ look.  Actually he had been picking on me and I wasn’t at all remorseful when I threw him into that wall. What’s wrong with standing up for yourself anyway! But as I looked at his mothers battered and bruised face and the way she limped away I realized that they had some serious shyt going on in their lives. It made me aware that the world did not revolve around me and that moment in time. That there would always be a bigger picture.

Since that time I’ve never been in any serious fights. I work as a bouncer and thats a lot to say. I communicate, I restrain, I hurt them a bit if they try to fight me and I see them safely down the stairs and say goodnight to them. I try to talk civil-like and get their friends to take them home.

I was really happy this weekend because when I dropped the weight my arms went ‘flappy’ for a while. But they’ve finally come back and I was showing off my huge biceps to the other bouncers. They all agreed they are big phuking biceps! My old head doorman laughed and said- you’re as big as a Maori Wendy! It’s true. I’m white but I’ve got that bone structure and I do have the ability to build good sized muscles. My triceps are getting pretty hard too but still have a way to go. Most importantly- the bat wings are almost all gone. It’s the first time in my life that I’ve started to feel comfortable being big. I just want to be big and muscular not big and fat I like working with other big people- I fit in.

Last Saturday was my first bitch fight. I don’t cat fight and when this scrawny little wanna be Paris Hilton, who was high on crack and called me a fat whore because I asked her to leave, then smacked me in the chest I was not impressed. My new head doorman who’d been having trouble with the girl all night told me to move her out so I continued to do so. She scratched me across the chest and continued to call me a fat slut.

I am fat so whatever, but I’m not a whore or a slut and I certainly was being attacked by her. For a few weeks I’ve been sparring with one of the other bouncers who is teaching me how to box because he thinks I’m just as strong as a man and it amuses him I guess.  I could have given her a couple of nasty punches in the face. I didn’t. I restrained myself because I believe in fighting fair. I am probably 6 times her size. The male bouncers had asked me to remove her because they didn’t want to remove a ‘hot chick’- it doesn’t look good in front of the patrons no matter how drugged up and intoxicated she is. I think many patrons like drugged up/ intoxicated Paris Hiltons hehe.

Instead I pushed her to the side of the building and told her to go. She refused and came at me again so I thumped with an open hand across the cheek. I tried not to do it to hard. It was more of a shove than a slap or punch. Of course she flew but she didn’t fall.

Her friend, who was a fat whore, jumped at me screaming, ‘Don’t hurt my friend!’ Please note I’m the one with a bruise on my chest and bloody scratches, not the other chick. I turn on her thinking- finally, someone bigger I can punch and not look like a total cow. The smaller girl lurches at me again and I instinctively reach out, grab her by the throat with my left hand and hold her at a distance while using my right to fight the larger girl. One of the other bouncer restrains the big girl who kicks backwards and gets him in the balls. He doesn’t do anything except look at me and say, ‘Chicks! They always aim for the balls!’ Finally the old head doorman, who is 6.7 and built like a brick shythouse grabs both girls and lifts them up and plops them on the curb. I go inside so they cant continue to fight. On the way I hear the mouthy one saying, ‘What a bitch!’

She’s right about that

So they go to the police station across the road and report me. I get on quite well with my local police and they didn’t even come across to talk to me about it. If they had I would have asked them to drug test those wannabees.

I don’t think I did anything in excess but I really didn’t enjoy being put in the situation. Anyone can beat a drunk. Anyone can beat a 40kg girl. Its not something to be proud off.  But as I look at my scratches and bruised chest today I hope her neck is sore as hell and part of me wishes I had punched her in the face. I wonder how proud her parents are of her.

I know this post is getting long but its about fighting fair. On Friday night one of our bar staff was jumped by a gang of aboriginal men as he went to his car. We know who they are and they are of a good size. The barman is not. He is about 40kg if wet (less than 90lbs) and has a tall, willowy frame. He’s also a sweet boy who is very shy and rarely talks but does his work well. Not only did they beat him but they smashed a brick over his head twice. I know because I was in the girls toilets dealing with some chicks when we heard a boy screaming ‘help’ ‘help’. We heard the beating and the two thuds. It happened in seconds. I ran to the men’s toilets thinking it was there but there was only silence. I ran to the hall, nothing. I didn’t know that there is parking behind the club because I always park at the police station across the road.

5 minutes later I get the radio call and all the bouncers run to the side of the building where this boy had staggered bleeding profusely and collapsed. They ran off chasing the offenders while I assisted the boy to to staff bathroom. He was losing heaps of blood and even though I covered his head wound with my hand I was drenched in it.

We sat him down and I looked at the hole in his scull. I bandaged it and had our assistant manager hold it in place. I noticed more blood gushing from the side of his head but t was so heavy I didn’t mess around trying to find out where the wound was I just bandaged it. The ambulance arrived just after that and he was taken to hospital.

He is still there in critical condition. The doctors operated for about 12 hours to remove all the pieces of brick from his brain. No one knows if he will make it or not. He may be brain damaged.

It’s very upsetting. Those men were cowards. It wasn’t a fair fight. They will be caught as they are on the surveillance  video for the club. They didn’t rob him, it wasn’t provoked. It was just senseless violence on a small person who didn’t stand a chance of defending himself. It was pathetic.

Its easy to look to blame others- why did he refuse a security officer walking him to the car (because he’s too shy to ask for assistance), why did his parents let him work in such a seedy club yada yada… simple fact is it could have been anyone. It could have been my son, your daughter, your sister or brother. They wouldn’t have cared because some people don’t care- they don’t have the capacity to empathize with others. sometimes they are scrawny, rude bitches who believe they are all that but are really nothing more than white trash and other times they are big strong boys who should try getting a ****ing job and living in the real world. We can’t do anything about those people except try to keep safe from them. But we can do something about our own behavior. We can be responsible for our own actions- drunk or sober.

I pray for his family that Quin will make a full recovery. All the staff are really missing him and feel sad about it. We know that ’shyt happens’ but he didn’t deserve that.

http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2008/07/20/2308707.htm

Hey y’all. I’m still sick ( On my 4th round of antibiotics. But at least the infection is now out of my lungs and only in my throat. Also using a pump spray. I do feel a lot better- despite how all that sounds LOL.

During my illness I’ve bought a lot of takeaways/ fast meals for my kids. I also by them quick fix snacks like chocolate, chips, cakes etc…

My own diet hasn’t been too bad- I’ve not been too hungry.

It was my shopping day yesterday and I wasn’t feeling up to it. I sat back and watched the health channel instead. I watched a couple of shows that talked about meal planning for the family and removing the junk food from the house.

It suddenly dawned on me that I’m doing to my kids the exact same thing that my Dad did to me when I was young and lived with him. We lived on fry ups, take away meals and convenience store snacks. I remembered how sick I used to feel from it.

I asked my daughter (10) about the takeaways and she said they make here feel sick in her stomach and then she eats more to take that taste away. She’s my only child that loves vegetables and fruit. She is always nagging me to buy more and to exercise.

I love my kids. They aren’t overweight. But then, neither was I at that age. I think eventually all these bad habits get learnt and catch up in adult life.

It may seem simple to healthy people who have never had a weight problem. But to me, the idea of writing a weekly menu and keeping the food in the house healthy is definatley something that has never occured to me.

I feel a little guilty that I’ve been so focused on losing my own weight that I haven’t been paying much attention to what I’m feeding my children. I am going through hell. It is hell being overweight and its hell trying to get healthy again. I don’t want that for them.

So yesterday I wrote a menu and a standard shopping list for my weekly shopping. I’ve included as many healthy snacks as I can think of. I’m not going to stop them from having treats now and then but snacks are not treats. Snacks should be healthy pick me ups.

Today I will go do my first shopping following the menu. My daughter, mentioned above, is very excited and can’t wait to cook with me. I guess its something we can do together.

Sick. Sick. Sick.

I can’t believe after only 2 workouts I came down with bronchitis and have been in bed coughing up my lunges for almost 2 weeks.  It’s like my body said, ‘EXERCISE! What the phuk do you think you’re doing!’

I want to exercise. I am so sick of being fat. I have never reached this level of ‘fed up’ness before. I am just sick of it all.

I actually think this is a positive. Never in my life have I been sooooooo damn sick of being unhealthy. I give in I want to look and feel bloody awesome.

Unfortunately my body is doing its own shyt (

But I did lose 3lbs in bed dying so thats good.  Hopefully I’ll get back in the gym soon.

Have a good one.

I’ve decided to post my original ‘why I want to lose weight’ section from my profile to here.  Mainly cuz it’s too big on the profile page and because my needs and reasons will change in time. Although these are my reasons I can also say that I have some extra motivation…

1.  I work as a bouncer and do not want flabby arms in summer when I have to wear short sleeved shirts. That’s a big fear.

2. I want to play on an over 35 rugby union women’s team and know I’m not fit enough for the running at the moment.

3. I really want to do more physical activities, like rollerskating and kicking a ball around, with my kids.
I am a stress eater and I have a very slow thyroid. My doctor said its borderline for needing medication but not low enough. I was pissed. Everyone in my father’s family dies in their late 40’s- I’ve traced it back 3 generations and they were all very obese. My Dad made it to 60 with 8 heart operations. His young death made me realize I want to be there for my kids when they grow up. I want to see my grandchildren grow up. I don’t know anything about good eating or exercise… I grew up on fast foods or fry ups. The only thing I did decide to do was stop drinking sugar in my coffee… about 20tsp a day. At that time my weight steadied and I stopped gaining. I was my heaviest at 325lbs at that time. 3 months ago I told a friend named Mike, from interstate, how sad I felt. How every time I looked in the mirror all I could see was some blob monster and I didn’t recognize myself. I felt an intense self-loathing at all times. Mike has just completed studying sports psychology at uni and manages a gym. He decided to help me out with some eating advice and getting me moving. Before his help I could barely walk without pain because my legs felt so heavy. My BMI was 48. He’s also been counseling me on some emotional issues I have been avoiding. In three months I’ve lost 36lbs, changed my sedentary job for a physical one that has meant I’ve met more physically minded people… one of whom recommended this site, dropped from a size 28US to a size 20US and have started to feel more attractive. I’m beginning to like myself more, the more I give a bit of time to myself. Kind of like getting to know myself as a friend. I have a long way to go and hope to get a little extra support here. I’m not aiming to be Ms Universe or to look like a babe. I just want to feel comfortable in my own skin and to look in the mirror and like myself. I’m scared to open a body space because it means I am open for criticism for my past bad habits, mistakes etc… all I can say is I’m taking responsibility for my health and trying to learn. It’s May 29th 2008 and I am currently 287 lbs. I don’t know how much I am supposed to weigh. I am 37 years old, had 4 kids, 5.8 1/2 and heavy boned. Right now I’m just going day by day. I expect it will take time. I’d like to meet others going through what I am, thanks.

Today was my first gym workout.  I followed the program my trainer set me… about 45 mins all up. Ow! It was hard!  But I pushed past the point where I thought I would give up and did it anyway mainly because I figured that she knew I could do it and had my best interests, my goals, in mind.  It wasn’t painful, it just made me feel like I could barely lift anymore weight… without wanting to drop them in a heap!  As I drove home I noted that my arms were feeling so weak I could barely turn the steering wheel! I took a hot shower, lathered my arms and shoulders in dencorub, popped some pain killers and felt very pleased with myself.

3 months on this diet and exercise program and then I will reassess it all. That will be my 38th birthday.

I love Rugby Union, it’s so brutal!  Go the All Blacks!  A lot of bouncers I work with play or are x-players of this great game. I have to admit- I’m a sucker for it.

I recently decided to find out where my local games are held and go watch some matches with my kids. Somewhere along the line I was invited to join the women’s team.

I really wanted to… but… I want to get fitter first.  So it’s a goal. I will join up when I have lost another 40lbs.

I have been sitting pretty at -40lbs for a week now. I can see it in my upper body. My shoulders are large and solid, my biceps are 1" bigger and a good rounded size.  Due the weight loss the arms aren’t looking crash hot underneath but I think thats just a matter of time and exercise.

I’ve lost 3" on my waist and 1" off my thighs but my big butt is 1" bigger hahaha… I can laugh about it cuz I feel so good about the other stuff.

Work is going well. I got into a fight with another bouncer and took him down. It was ‘good anger’ he took my mobile and was flicking through the photos. I warned him twice and then jumped on him, knocked him down and took my it back. He was left laying on his back saying, "Holy crap you’re fast!"

Not bad for a big girl hey ;o)

I did my stats today because I’ve joined a gym. I’ve decided to train 5 days a week (2 cardio and 3 weights) as that’s what the Rugby players do here and that should get me fit enough to join the team. I am hoping I can join up in about 3 months but I will just wait and see how my body is going at that stage.

Till then… workouts to do and games to watch.