Macphisto’s BodyBlog

i’m losing it. i’m 170 pounds. what the ****?

i just wish i could run. or bike. or swim. but i can’t. it hurts my knee too much.

what are the best lifting exercises to lose weight?

you guys have all been so supportive of me, and my mom saw my weight loss chart and blog and decided to start one herself. she’ll prob. be online in a few days. i’ll post a link to her profile, but feel free to friend her! she’s hilarious, and awesome, and you’ll love her.

kisses-lw

so tired. all-nighter. couldn’t sleep. too nervous about MRI results. that DIDN’T COME. douchebags.

egg white omlette

lotsa yerba mate (cut with black cherry berry loose tea and splenda)

half a cup of veggie black bean chilli

one corona (i know, what the ****?)

veggie salad, mixed veggie stirfry, maybe 3/4 or 2/3 cup of whole wheat couscous, with some crazy soy faux meat on top of it that was spicy, and surprisingly good.

annnnd bed.

ugh.

i ate half a thing of movie popcorn today. don’t know what the **** i was thinking. i just lost it. not enough yerba, perhaps. where would i be without my stimulants? so, here goes.

breakfast- cup of puffins cereal, skim milk

lunch- veggie black bean chilli, rice, broccoli (normal portions)

dinner- cup of puffins cereal, skim milk

i know, i know. all carbs. i just… i have no schedule, no structure. however, the black bean chili (which is my specialty) uses smart ground, this soy meat substitute that’s just like ground up meat. it’s GREAT. and i use a lot. so that, as well as the beans and milk, was my protein.

still haven’t gotten the MRI results back.

Citadel- thanks for your response, at first i kept wanting to say "wait, wait, wait, you’re wrong about me, i’m not an idiot, i know that," but then i realized that you don’t know that, so i will write a blog in response to your comments, which, by the way, were amazing. even though i did know a lot of it already, you are a guru. whether you like it or not, you are now my bodybuilding muse. and you inspired me to pay for some personal, trainer sessions to get my act together once i join a gym.

anyone know personal trainers in boston-ish area that are cheap but good?

So, some people (okay, tons of people) say that the media is a negative influence on body image. I get that, and I agree wholeheartedly, but at the same time, our society is so saturated in it that at some point it becomes not futile, but pointless and tiring to rebel against it. So I propose a new way of looking at cultural influences on body image: use it. Be smart about it, and don’t become consumed in it, but use it to your advantage. Take the slutty coeds with perfect abs in American Pie and instead of saying “Oh how awful, they’re creating an unrealistic standard of beauty, I hate them, **** it all,” say “Well, I don’t have to look like that, but those abs are pretty damn nice. Oh yeah, I forgot to do my crunches! Be right back.” Take a sports movie and let it inspire you to work out more. And if you have to go the negative route, if it’s one of those days, then do it. Watch Drive Me Crazy and comment repeatedly that Melissa Joan Hart’s legs aren’t as nice as mine.

1.      Pick an athletic activity that you either used to do, or still do. It can be something that you used to be better at, something that you’re still good at, something that you’re struggling to get back on track with, even something that, realistically, you’ll never do again, whether you want to or not. Then, watch a movie or TV show that features it. Here are my examples, because it’s better to show than tell:

a.       Running: I was better (by a landslide) in high school, and then I gained weight, and lord knows maybe I’ll never be as fast as I was. But, it’s something that I will always love, something that’s part of my identity, and something I will always challenge myself with. So, I’d watch Prefontaine, one of the greatest running movies ever, starring a damnnasty wickedfast distance runner with an attitude and a gold MG to match. Just watching that movie makes me want to be a better runner, and it’s hard to eat junk food while watching Jared Leto’s impeccable quads carry him around the track in Munich. Unless you’re with Meg Julian, who is the greatest girl ever, but also a threat to every diet I’ve ever been on because she has an amazing metabolism, and an obsession with sex in a bowl (also known as death by chocolate). But, Meg is supportive, and still loved me even when I made a low-sugar version of it a couple of years ago. Mega, love you.

b.      Ballet: I was kind of chunky during the ballet years, but it’s still totally worth it to watch Center Stage. Cooper Nielson’s ass is worth its weight in gold. I’m not even sure what that means, but it sounds cool, so I figure, why the hell not? Just be careful. If you’re an ex-dancer, don’t go upstairs and get your old pointe shoes and try them on. I always do this, and always injure myself in the proceses.

2.      Pick a movie or TV show that reminds you of a time when you were happier with your body, or makes you think of how hot you’ll look when you accomplish your goal. For me, it’s any beach movie. Blue Crush, maybe, because that one is all about girl power and muscle power, not these skinny little waifs. Senior year of high school I was an absolute knockout, so watching a movie like American Pie (if I’m feeling old school enough) or Old School, or any movie like that always helps, though you have to remember two things:

a.       You can’t, realistically, drink that much and stay as thin as those girls do. Just take it with a grain of salt. And realize that no matter how thin actresses are naturally, they work at it. And if they don’t, then they are the Olsen twins, and those girls have enough problems.

b.      It is a movie. Keep it in perspective.

3.      Pick a movie with a star that gained weight for the movie, or just looks fatter/heavier in the movie. Or, movies with stars that aren’t stick thin. Or, movies with great makeovers featured in them. It keeps the mood light, and keeps your mind on self-improvement without beating you over the head with the message.

a.       Examples of “chunkity” movies:

                      
                               i.      Bridget Jones: any of these gems is bound to make you feel like you’re not the only one.

                      
                             ii.      Titanic: Kate Winslet is so hot, yet so not thin in this.

                      
                            iii.      It takes two: Kirstie Alley = Self-Esteem Goldmine

b.      Examples of movies with great makeovers:

                      
                               i.      Miss Congeniality

                      
                             ii.      She’s All That

                      
                            iii.      Princess Diaries

                      
                           iv.      Jawbreaker

4.      Pick a sports movie that features Sylvester Stallone. Rocky anything.

5.      These are my top movies:

a.       Prefontaine

b.      Center Stage

c.       Blue Crush

d.      Van Wilder

Don’t underestimate the power of Van Wilder. Tara Reid is so hot in this movie, before she went and got all gross, and in the final scene she’s so thin that it’s ALMOST unhealthy, but not quite. Always makes me put down the proverbial Cheetos.

kisses-mc

So, I woke up, and took my adderall xr (I’m prescribed it, don’t worry) and that combined with the yerba mate DEFINITELY took its toll. I know everyone says yerba doesn’t have jittery caffeine-like effects, but a word to the wise- if you pair it with a stimulant, it does. It’s still not as bad as taking something like Xenadrine NRG or Trimspa with adderall, but you definitely notice it more. I noticed a definite difference in appetite suppression, but not foolproof. I put about… 3 tablespoons, maybe more, in almost-boiling water last night, put it in this stay-warm coffee/tea pot my mom has, left the lid partially opened so some cold air could get in, and by this morning I think it was strong. I took it out, tossed it in the yerba sports thing I have, put in some ice cubes and splenda, and a dash of POM pomegranate juice and it was… ew. This is the basic stuff, and… it’s not so good. But, I found yesterday that putting loose cinamon apple spice tea helped it, but it didn’t seem to work as well with that, but I could be wrong. So, I just started a toffee-flavored batch, we’ll see how that goes. I am kind of jittery though. Not as bad as it could be, but a bit jittery. I’m so pissed that I can’t run. I’ve already done all the exercises I can do without putting pressure on my knee.

Breakfast- um… piece of sourdough bread, butter (smart balance, sparingly)

diet coke

Dinner-

• maybe 3/4 cup of some za..-something rice, i forget the brand, they make a jambalaya one and a tropical one, it didn’t seem so bad.
• mabe a cup or less of grilled green beans
• spoonful of vegetarian black bean chili
• cup or so of salad (low-fat dressing that my mom cooked up, salad with no lettuce, just veggies, which is an awesome way to have salad by the way).

I know, I know, I’m supposed to eat every three hours, but I’ve only been up since 2 p.m. (weird sleep schedule still). But I’m trying to get back on track.

Now if I can only NOT eat for the rest of the night. Or, if I DO get hungry, or cravings, I can take citrucel fiber pills, drink water, eat an apple, drink some yerba (though I’m worried it might keep me up at night), or make a protein shake (yeah whey protein chocolateyness, yeah).

I can do it.

YEAH.

Rose is coming over to watch some movie later. Now, I’ll end this blog with some advice on how to keep on track, how to keep motivated, etc. Well, I’m clearly not the queen of this (blind leading blind much?) but these are some things that help me. Or, actually, maybe I’ll make another post. Whoa. Hardcore.

Closing questions:

• anyone else tried Yerba?
• excercises to make my ass… existent?
• exercises that don’t stress my knee?

FINGERS CROSSED FOR MRI RESULTS TOMORROW! though in a weird way, it’s probably a good thing (well, not a good thing, but you know what i mean, a wake-up call) that this all happened. I thought I could just run and have that be enough, but nope. It’s taught me that I need to strengthen all other parts of me to be a strong runner. I mean, I already knew that, but it really hit home, you know? It sort of contradicts the whole idea that running is a simple sport with no equipment, but I counter that by doing a million plyometrics and exercises that I can do with limited resources. Your body weight is all (or most) of the resistance you need.

kisses- leah

where are the calories going? when am i eating what? and what exactly am i doing, cardio etc?

god knows it won’t be a lot, with this injury. anyone know any killer cardio i can do without moving my legs at all?

please dear god don’t let it be a stress fracture of the tibia. or torn meniscus. or acl/pcl.

please.

running is my sanity, and i just got it back.

anyone know any good fitness routines to strengthen my core for running, and weight loss, that i can do at home? i have a ball, and some weights, but not many. my body weight is the best resistance i’ve got, though the left knee being all ksl;djflasdkfa; makes it difficult.

god, a blogosphere where people actually read my blogs and answer.

who knew?

you’re all awesome. i feel like i’m not worthy, looking at your pictures and stats.

oh, and for the fabulous woman who was the fifth commenter on my last blog… HOW CAN I GET YOUR BUTT? i’ve had no ass my entire life, to the point where the girls on the umass track team called me "the assless wonder" because "it was a wonder i could run with no junk in my trunk" and i’m sick of it. i want a butt. help?

please don’t take that the wrong way. i’m honestly curious.

xx-mc

i hate myself.

40 miles a week, less than 1400 calories a day, and no weight loss? i was tested for thyroid diseases. don’t have any. ****.

it’s awful, waking up and hating the body you’re in.

SERIOUSLY, I’M LIVID. and goddamnit, now i can’t do anything at all because of my injury, and i gain 3 pounds? what the flying goddamn mother ****?!

aaaaaaaaaaaaah!

I SWEAR TO GOD.

i want to get those lipodissolve things like britney spears.

or cut the fat off myself.

or scream.

or become bulimic/anorexic again.

or just… damnit i am going insane.

i’ve lost it.

this yerba was supposed to help. not be a miracle drug, but help.

and now i just need something that will show results quickly. nothing crazy, just enough so i can keep on without losing all hope.

oh.

****.

how can i look like this? (see picture). HOW?! OH GOD. MY huge t-shirt is tight on me.

i can’t stay awake for more than ten minutes without crying.

this is awful.

don’t be bulimic.

don’t be bulimic.

it won’t help, anyway, and it’ll ruin your teeth. and probably kill you.

so i had the epiphany that people actually read this, so i’m actually going to put some effort into writing in it. because, i don’t know who you people are, but you’re amazing for even caring. it amazes me that people who don’t know me at all are willing to take the time and comment when my own mother only has time to inform me that my face looks prettier when i’m thinner. though maybe that’s the difference. maybe that distance is what allows it to work.

don’t get me wrong, my mom’s not one of those awful moms. she loves me and is supportive, etc. and i’m not ugly, or really fat or anything. i’m heavy, yes, but i also have man shoulders and have mastered the art of covering up what isn’t so great and showcasing what is. i should write a book called, "empire waist tops hide a multitude of sins: how baggy tops from old navy, up my ass denim miniskirts and high heels combine to make me look moderately attractive."

in keeping with the trend of my first blog, i’ll keep talking about what screws me up. or, my past. or, i’ll just ramble about my past. now, i know that this is probably way too much information, but i’m writing this for me. so if you guys want to read it, that’s awesome, and i love you, but please don’t yell at me for including too much information. you were warned: i have no boundaries.

high school: i was a runner, so obviously i was in shape. not in perfect shape  outside of the season, but lord knows i looked awesome for the most part. of course, i always thought i was fat. and, looking back, i always was in the middle. even when i was 5′6 and 140 pounds, i always had a spare tire. there was always something around the middle. i never had a waist. god knows i’d kill to look like that now, but still. there was always something weird about my midsection.

college? well, i went to umass amherst as a freshman, and wasn’t D1 xc material, so i just ran on my own and tried not to drink much beer (failed at that). i also took the shot, aka the devil, aka depo provera. the birth control that you get shot into your bum four times a year to never have a period again. to this day i’m convinced it ****ed me up. i’ve never been nearly as fast as i was in high school, even when i was almost the same weight. and even when i lost a lot of weight, i still looked different. i had curves. but, not in a good way. i still think somehow that if i lost a shitload of weight, i’ll still look dif ferent, because my bones changed. but we’ll see i guess.

so, every year i gain weight and lose some of it during the summer.

summer after freshman year, i’m not sure what i did exactly.

sophomore year i transferred to emerson, gained weight, and did the atkins diet that summer. lost weight, gained it back.

junior year, i went to europe. lived in holland, home of carbs, carbs, and, wait, you guessed it, CARBS! and was so depressed when i got home th at i just ate and ate. did jenny craig that summer, lost weight, gained it back in the last few months. ugh. senior year.

the thing is, each diet taught me something. atkins taught me the real deal about carbs, which is quite scary when you think about it. i’ve always thought it didn’t matter how many carbs i ate but lord knows it does. and i’ve eaten whole wheat everything ever since. south beach taught me about blood sugar, and how eating fiber and not a lot of refined carbohydrates can help you keep your blood sugar more level, and prevent (or at least curb) cravings. and jenny craig taught me portion control, which is something i think everyone needs to learn. i realized that when i poured a bowl of cereal, it was on average a cup of cereal. sometimes more. serving size on most cereals is half a cup. and although a half a cup of cereal doesn’t look like much, if it’s a substantial cereal (and not all of them taste bad) it’s all you need.

so the test now is to see if i can apply this knowledge and find a healthy medium between all the various eating plans. it has to be flexible, realistic, and something i can KEEP UP FOR THE LONG RUN.

so today. i woke up, ate cheerios, went back to bed. oh, by the way, i’m in a lot of pain and on codine, so this is not my ideal schedule. tomorrow the MRI will tell what’s wrong with my knee.

i had the requisite fight with my mom:

mom: leah, do this (something bullshitty, i dunno)

Leah: I’M IN PAIN.

mom: it’s your fault!

Leah: **** you.

mom: i don’t think you trained enough for this half marathon. i think you brought it on yourself and it’s your fault and you deserve it.

leah: you know what mom? **** you. i hurt. i hurt and i’m terrified and i’m worried that i won’t be able to do my job this summer and i’m scared, and i’m holding it together as best i can. you’re not allowed to act like a little kid. you’re not allowed to go bitching and pointing fingers and assigning blame to make yourself feel better. I’M THE ONE WHO’S ALLOWED TO DO THAT you have to be strong, you have to act like an adult.

mom: you’re right.

…etc.

so then i ate pita chips, zucchini, and salsa.

and is this yerba mate tea really worth it? i hope i did not just special order tea from south america if it’s useless. though it was cheap.

and the codine’s making me nauseous.

and i’m scared that i need it for the pain. i’m really good with pain. i overheard my mom telling my father that she was terrified because i was crying with pain, because i never cried from pain, because i ran an entire marathon with a stress reaction and didn’t cry (yeah, not my brightest move, but i had a sponshership, and i’m proud almost to a fault sometimes when it comes to running, though i’m working on being smarter about it), and…

damn i’m not making sense. please realize two things.

1. i’m a writer. which means that i’m actually a talented writer, but by the time i get to blogging my grammar has gone out the window. please forgive me. i can give references to other, more eloquent writings of mine.

2. codine. oh god. it’s frying my brain. i need sleep. or else i might barf.

why does codine make me nauseous?

is codine an anti-inflammatory?

i hope to god my ACL isn’t torn. i don’t want to deal with that. if it is, i will, but i’d really rather not.

please God, or whoever. whomever. whatever. ****ever.

oh, question. if muscle building is more im portant to weight loss than cardio, what exercises can i do to speed up the weight loss process?

AAH. STOMACH. CHURNING. EW.

goodnight all.

good luck with your goals. some of you are pretty hardcore, i’m amazed by you.

ciao-mc

I’m going to write down everything that screws me up. That way, I face it, at least at the hands of my keyboard. Wow, it’s almost 5 a.m., this makes no sense. Oh well. Here goes:

1. "Tomorrow" syndrome: Sometimes I think the biggest problem in dieting is the tomorrow syndrome. My mother has it worst. If she eats one bad thing, she says "oh hell, the entire day’s a bust now, I may as well eat whatever I want and start anew tomorrow." The "tomorrow’s another day" mindset isn’t bad, but the "today doesn’t matter" mindset is.

2. Quick fixes: There is no quick fix. There is no miracle drug. But somehow i always end up buying into whatever fad is most recent. but, the key is, those are supplements, not replacements. the yerba mate i bought is going to help, but it’s not going to do the work for me.

3. injury: i can’t comment on this. my MRI and Xrays are on friday, so I’ll know if i tore my PCL, ACL, meniscus, or other whatever.

4. late at night: i eat. this must stop.

5. support network: as much as i love my mom, she’s not enough. i need all the help i can get. even if it’s from people in cyberspace (holy shit i just used the word ‘cyberspace’).

6. bad sleep schedule: of course i never want to work out if i’m sleeping half the day and lazing about half the night.

7. booze. much as i love it, it has to go, until i can figure out how to drink in moderation.

well, that’s all for now. i’m usually more eloquent, i promise.

here goes.

thursday, may 31st, is day 1.

–mc