June 28, 2009
I can’t believe I’m up so early but I was motivated to get out of bed in order to get the early bird special on the whole wheat pancakes down the street. If I get there before 11, they’re much cheaper. Not that I care much about the money. I just like a good deal. I feel relatively good considering what I put my body through yesterday. I’ve learned so much about competing over the years and the one lesson that never seems to stick in my mind is that there is no magical way of eating that will make you look leaner if you’re not already lean. I always get to the week before the show and knowing I’m not ready, try to force the body to look lean by eating nothing but chicken and broccoli for a week. It didn’t work of course and I felt very dizzy and disoriented at the show. I believe there is a way to compete and still feel good and healthy. I think the trick is to have the lean body before you sign up for the show, not after. It’s like when I would cram for a test in high school or even college. You can try to retain as much information last minute as you’re able but you most likely will only just pass the test with a C. So that’s how I did last night. I give myself a C for discipline. That’s what separates me from the other girls. They look better than me because they have more discipline than me with regards to diet. I love to work out and am in the gym every day. I also love pizza and chocolate chip cookies and would eat them every day if I thought I could. I eat for function. I eat to feel good mentally and physically. I haven’t yet learned how to eat for leanness but I’m closer to knowing how to do that now than I was before I did this show. It’s just going to take more discipline on my part. I’m determined to look good AND feel good and boy did I feel lousy yesterday. I know I was not myself because I spent 20 minutes sitting on the floor trying to figure out how to spell the word “discipline”. It wasn’t until after I ate half of a hamburger that I figured it out.
Posted in Training
June 25, 2009
Things that make me pessimistic;
Low calories
PMS
Nervousness
One whole month without any sunshine
Knowing that I’m not ready
Being out of time
Don’t get me wrong. I want to do this. I’m looking forward to it. I enjoy the excitement of it all. But I can’t stop obsessing about my body. I keep looking at my abs in the mirror hoping to see a change. And maybe there has been a change. I can’t tell anymore. I’m just anxious and nervous and scared. I’m ready to get it over with so I can go back to being a normal person. Well, my normal anyway.
Posted in Training
June 21, 2009
I cannot even believe that I am still able to function. Yesterday was the first day of 100 grams of carbs and 1500 calories total. I worked out and burned 600 calories and I felt pretty OK. I couldn’t sleep and was hungry at night but all in all, not bad. Then today, second day of 100 grams carbs and I didn’t think I would be able to work out at all. To my surprise, I got in a pretty kick ass workout. I burned 750 calories. Now at around 5 PM I believe I’ve hit the wall. I’m so hungry, light headed, and not able to focus. So, now I know that this is probably my limit. Also, I don’t think I could have worked today at all. I’ve been sitting all day and thinking about food. I haven’t seen much difference in my body though. I guess I’ll take another look in the morning and see if I notice anything. I really don’t think it’s healthy to eat this little food but if it’s only temporary, I guess it’s OK.
Posted in Training
June 20, 2009
I’m not sure why I’m so scared of the low carb diet. I think it’s because I’m already so emotional at times and I can really feel in my body when I’m not eating enough. I hate that feeling. And if I go too far, my body shuts down and it could get ugly. I think that’s why I’m waiting until the last possible moment to do it. However, I’m going for a "look" that is a temporary state of no water retention so maybe it’s ok to only go low carb for a few days before the show. I’m learning how my body works and I need to know what it takes to get that look. So, having said that, here’s my plan. I’ve been eating 1700 calories a day with 150 from carbs and I’ve felt ok. I know people think this is too many carbs but it’s too late now and so far, I haven’t killed anyone on the subway for talking too loud on the phone.
Saturday - Arms and cardio - 100 g carbs - 4 liters water
Sunday - Cardio - 100 g carbs - 4 liters water
I want to see how I feel and look after 2 days of lower carbs
Monday - Full body curcit - 150 g carbs - 4 liters water
Tuesday - Arms, cardio - 150 g carbs - 4 liters water
Wednesday - Full body curcit - 125 g carbs - 4 liters water
Thursday - Arms, cardio - 100 g carbs - 4 liters water
Friday - Cardio - 75 g carbs - 2 liters water
Saturday - Show time - 75 g carbs? - 1 liter water until after prejudging
Just an idea of how the week should go.
Posted in Training
June 18, 2009
Oh boy. I just registered for the show and sent them my money so I guess it’s official. I registered for the Figure and Fit Body. I’m always filled with such self doubt these last 2 weeks. I know I could have done more. I know my body is not there yet. But I like the experience of it all and look forward to just being there. I also know that my body is in much better shape than the rest of "regular" people. Such a bizzarre psychology to the whole thing. I have a great body but I don’t think I have a "move to the middle" kind of body. It always hurts my feelings when they move me all the way to the side of the stage. But, maybe that won’t happen this year. I have a better suit and I’m trying out Jan Tana. Less carbs in general and better focus all around. Haven’t busted out the shoes yet though. Guess I better start practicing my posing and walk.
It’s been raining for about a month here in New York too and that really affects my mood. I was hoping for a little sun and warmth but I guess it is only June!
Posted in Training
June 11, 2009
I’m definitely over training. Yesterdays workout really sucked. I couldn’t even press the bar more than 15 times as my warm up. I’m going to switch things up a bit and tone down the poundage. I just need to get lean and hard at this point so I’ll work lighter and faster. My theory is that if I consume less sugar and pump more sugar out of the muscles during my work out, then I will look harder and leaner. Upper body looks good. Lower body looks like it belongs to someone else. I think I’m in good shape though and have gotten a lot of advice from my fellow bodyspacers which is great! Good to know I’m not alone in this.
Posted in Training
June 5, 2009
I feel like I’ve been training pretty hard for a month now and see no difference. It’s hard to assess your own body but I know what I’m supposed to look like and I know I don’t look that way. My goal for this competition is to just show up looking better than I did last time but I don’t know if that’s going to happen. I have about 3 weeks left and am thinking, if I can just get leaner in that short amount of time, I will achieve my goal. But how? More cardio? Less carbs? Both? When is it too much? That’s the biggest mind game I play with myself because I know if I go too far, my progress will stall. I’m not hungry so that’s a good sign. I don’t feel weak so that’s also a good sign. I usually feel good on 2250 calories but now I’m trying 1750 calories with 150 grams of carbs. We’ll see how long I can get away with that. Off to do legs!
Posted in Training
February 10, 2009
Often times when I’m at the gym, I find myself writing in my bodyblog in my mind. I think about what I would say that day then by the time I get home, drink a shake, and take a shower, the blog has left my thoughts. Today, I have some free time and I know it’s been a while so I thought I would jot down some words. I don’t always like reading what I’ve written in the past, especially after a show. I know I have some things I need to work on and not all of them have to do with my physical body. I think a lot about self confidence these days. I’ve left my job and am on my own and as a result, my self confidence has taken a bit of a dive. So I wonder, what is self confidence anyway. For me, I feel a great sense of pride when I’m at the gym and I see that I’m lifting more than the next person. But is that really confidence? I don’t think so. Knowing that you’re better than everyone else in the room just tells you who all is in the room. If your self confidence is based on being better than everyone else, it seems too fragile to hold up. Especially if you plan to go outside of your comfort zone. This is part of my problem. When I go to a competition, I feel like I will be better than everyone else. Then when I get there, I see that I’m not and there goes what I thought was my self confidence. But I think self confidence should be something you have regardless of other people. You bring it with you and you still have it, win or lose when you leave. This is what I will work on for my next competition. Get in the best shape I can and be proud of my body for what it is and help everyone else celebrate their personal victories as well. I want to be healthy, mind, body, and soul.
Posted in Training
November 9, 2008
Such an emotional roller coaster doing a figure show. I know everyone who loves me is very kind and being supportive when they tell me I look great. I know I look great but I still got last place. I always get last place. They can’t understand what it is that the judges are looking for. They don’t see the flaws I see. I feel very sad today because I really wanted to do better this year than I did last year. I don’t feel like I looked any different. As soon as I walk into a show to register, I know. I know that I’m not lean enough. No matter how good I felt about my body before I walked in the door, I always feel very soft after seeing the other girls. I’m so torn between trying harder to get leaner or just dropping it altogether for the sake of my mental health. I know this world is not for everyone. You have to be strong, mentally and physically, in order to take all the criticizing and judging. And I feel strong. I feel ready. Right until I walk through those doors and smell that smell and see all those bulging perfectly tanned muscles and flawless make up and hair. Right until I see that face. You know. The face you get when you know you got a bad hair cut but no one wants to say that it looks bad so they just nod and smile and when you ask how it looks, they answer sweetly, “Mmm hmm.” And I still feel hopeful right until we get onstage in a line and they ask me to move all the way over to the end so that they can see the other girls better. Sniff. Sigh. I’m off to go eat a cheeseburger.
Posted in Training
September 1, 2008
It’s that time of year again. I have some possible shows coming up and I’m not ready, of course. I’ve always crammed for all my big tests at the last minute. So I think I might do a show on September 13th in New Jersey for the IFBB. It will be a new federation for me and I’m not sure what to expect but I will be with friends so I think it will be fun. Then on September 20th will be the show I’ve actually been preparing for which is INBF Naturalmania in NYC. My plan was to look better than I did last time I graced their stage. My fear is that I look the same. But at least I won’t put dream tan on my face again. So already I know I will look better. Then, the biggest test of them all. For some reason, I signed up for the Urbanathlon in NYC. It’s a 7 mile race with 55 flights of stairs and various other obstacles. I don’t really know how to run but I’m up to 3 miles now. I have 4 weeks to get up to 7 miles I guess. At least the race is after the show. If it were the other way around, I don’t think I would have the energy to run on low carbs.
One big change in my life is that I quit my job of 7 years. I was a personal trainer inside a gym and now I’m a personal trainer outside a gym. I think that it’s the natural progression for my profession. However, I’m scared to death to proceed without the place I’ve called home for the last 7 years. But on the upside, I joined my first gym! I now have a gym membership and I can go whenever I want and no one bothers me or tells me that I can’t work out during prime time. I can wear whatever I want and I can flirt with the other members because I’m a member too. Not that I would interrupt someone else’s workout or want mine interrupted. It’s just nice to know I could on the way in or out of the gym, say hi to people and possibly make friends. I think I’ll go now and work on arms and abs and see if that big guy is there again.
Posted in Training
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