litlebit’s BodyBlog

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."

"Mrs. Sanders, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your
husband’s doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from
another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one
belongs
to your husband. Frankly, either
way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer’s and the
other
one tested positive for HIV. We can’t tell which is which."

"That’s dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive
tests one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off
somewhere
in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don’t sleep with him."

Dear Joe The Advice Guy:

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn’t driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband’s help.

When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor’s daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor girl is 22.
We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past 5 months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job 6 months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless; hence the reason for the affair, I suppose.
I love him very much, however, ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become very distant. He won’t go to counseling and I’m afraid I can’t get through to him anymore.
Please help, your advice is desperately needed.
Sincerely,
Sheila

******************************
Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake
manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps!

Joe

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do
You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Had to share this…TOO FUNNY!!
My 1 day employment

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,
a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day……
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,
yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly,
‘Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
‘Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7.
Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?’
So I replied,
‘I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am,
I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.’
My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.
?

Recently, I overheard a mother and daughter in their last moments together at the airport. They had announced the departure. Standing near the security gate, they hugged, and the mother said, ‘I love you, and I pray you enough.’

The daughter replied, ‘Mom, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I pray you enough, too, Mom.’

They kissed, and the daughter left. The mother walked over to the window where I was seated. Standing there, I could see she wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on her privacy, but she welcomed me in by asking, ‘Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?’

Yes, I have,’ I replied. ‘Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever good-bye?’

‘Well…I’m not as young as I once was, she lives so far away & has her own busy life. I have some challenges ahead, and the reality is - her next trip back will be for my funeral,’ she said.

‘When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, ‘I pray you enough.’ May I ask what that means?’

She began to smile. ‘That’s a prayer that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone.’ She paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail, and she smiled even more. ‘When we said, ‘I pray you enough,’ we wanted the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them.’

Then, turning toward me, she shared the following as if she were reciting it from memory.

I pray you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.

I pray you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.

I pray you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.

I pray you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.

I pray you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.

I pray you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.

I pray you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye..

Then, she began to cry, and walked away.

They say, it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but an entire life to forget them.

TAKE TIME TO LIVE…..

To all my friends,
I PRAY YOU ENOUGH…….

Dear Mum & Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam’s mother and tell her he is okay. He can’t write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn’t been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn’t hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn’t burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to20look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn’t his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that’s probably why he can’t get insurance.

We think it’s a neat bus. He doesn’t care if we get it dirty and if it’s hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don’t worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn’t any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn’t let me because I can’t swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, it’s concrete because we didn’t have any plaster, so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Keith isn’t crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn’t even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Ryan dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I’m so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters & buy some more beer and ammo. Don’t worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it’s my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster’s tent.

Love as always
your only son
Johnnie

11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE

Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.
10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them
all, so they decided that one had to leave,
because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren’t able to choose that person,
until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because,
as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her
husband and kids or for men in general , and was
used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech,
all the men started clapping ……

IDIOTS!

Grandma’s letter

She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.

She writes:
Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly
sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir
performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn’t notice that
the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t
honked, I’d never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like
crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,

‘ For the love of God! ‘

‘ Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!’

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all
those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard
him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the
window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment
that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on
through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to
leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all
the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

Lizard Birth’

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through
the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead
goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out
LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son’s lizard to the vet.

Here’s what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me
there was ’something wrong’ with one of the two
lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

‘He’s just lying there looking sick,’ he told me. ‘I’m
serious, Dad. Can you help?’

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and
followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards
was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I
immediately knew what to do.

‘Honey,’ I called, ‘come look at the lizard!’

‘Oh, my gosh!’ my wife exclaimed. ‘She’s having
babies.’

‘What?’ my son demanded. ‘But their names are
Bert and Ernie, Mom!’

I was equally outraged.

‘Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn’t
want them to reproduce,’ I said accusingly to my wife.

‘Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their
cage?’ she inquired (I think she actually said this
sarcastically!)

‘No, but you were supposed to get two boys!’ I
reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet
voice, while gritting my teeth).

‘Yeah, Bert and Ernie!’ my son agreed.

‘Well, it’s just a little hard to tell on some guys, you
know,’ she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see
what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make
the best of it.

‘Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,’
I announced. ‘We’re about to witness the miracle
of birth..’

‘Oh, gross!’ they shrieked

‘Well, isn’t THAT just great? What are we going to do
with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?’ my wife wanted
to know..

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what
looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing
a scant second later.

‘We don’t appear to be making much progress,’ I
noted.

‘It’s breech,’ my wife whispered, horrified.

‘Do something, Dad!’ my son urged…

‘Okay, okay.’ Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed
the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.
It disappeared. I tried several more times with the
same results.

‘Should I call 911?’ my eldest daughter wanted to know.

‘Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.’ (You
see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

‘Let’s get Ernie to the vet,’ I said grimly. We drove to
the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

‘Breathe, Ernie, breathe,’ he urged.

‘I don’t think lizards do Lamaze,’ his mother noted to
him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I
mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy
is of her womb, for God’s sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and
peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

‘What do you think, Doc, a C-section?’ I suggested
scientifically.

‘Oh, very interesting,’ he murmured. ‘Mr. and Mrs.
Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?’

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

‘Is Ernie going to be okay?’ my wife asked.

‘Oh, perfectly,’ the vet assured us.. ‘This lizard is not
in labor.. In fact, that isn’t EVER going to happen. . .
Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And
occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most
male species, they um . . um .. . . masturbate. Just
the way he did, lying on his back.’ He blushed,
glancing at my wife..

We were silent, absorbing this.

‘So, Ernie’s just . just . .. . excited,’ my wife offered.

‘Exactly!! the vet replied , relieved that we understood.

More silence.. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to
giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

‘What’s so funny?’ I demanded, knowing, but not
believing that the woman I married would commit
the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness…

Tears were now running down her face. ‘It’s just .that . .
I’m picturing you pulling on its . . . its. .. . teeny little . . ‘
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once
more.

‘That’s enough,’ I warned. We thanked the vet and
hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into
the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

‘I know Ernie’s really thankful for what you did, Dad,
he told me.

‘Oh, you have NO idea,’ my wife agreed, collapsing
with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard’s winkie: Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!

I’ve hardly had any time to be on here lately…I’ve got so much going on right now and trying to get things ready for my son’s graduation…I’m so excited because I was the 1st and only one in the history of my family to go to college (my parents were furious with me because they didn’t believe in higher ed) and both of my kids went, my daughter graduated 5 years ago with her degree in Graphic Design….my son is graduating with a double major…I’m so proud!  To some it may not seem like a big deal but my kids are the only grandchildren that have gone to college!  I’m actually looking at maybe going back to school in the fall.

Any who….the workouts are back on track and now that my back is good again after sandbagging LOL…I’m back on the pole and I’m hoping to get my updated progress pics taken this week and posted by the end of the week.  I’ve been feeling so good lately that I might even record my pole practice and post a new vid! LOL

Hope everyone has a fantastic week!!!