A WOMAN’S WEEK AT THE GYM
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to
get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week
of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school
football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good
idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The
club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it
was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda
waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond
hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed
watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class
after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was
already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the
air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda’s rewarding smile made
it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It’s a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I
have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t
try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking
lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered
other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early
in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on
the stair monster. Why the heck would anyone invent a machine to
simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told
me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some
other crap too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t
help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my
shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not
looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny witch to find me.Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing
machine — which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that witch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body
I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps!
And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the stupid
barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama
coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing
her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner;
however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended
up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY:
I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can
go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next
year my daughter (the little brat) will choose a gift for me that
is fun — like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God
had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with
diamonds!!!
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