IS THIS BAD NEWS??!!
October 11, 2008My weight is going up, up, up….and I wonder what it is I am doing wrong….!!!!
THE WEAKENING….another “feeling-sorry-for-myself” episode :(
October 5, 2008Good news is …brain zaps went off the very next day after I went back into therapy. For now, I guess there will be more challenging matters to take care of. First…the side effects of "re-starting" Lexapro are starting to kick in. However this time round, I was prescribed 1/2 dose of what I used to take. As a result the side effects aren’t THAT drastic. Still, the nausea which hits at mid day was on schedule. And this time my digestive system isn’t affected as badly as the last time. It used to be ...whatever goes in …comes out …and I had to rely on liquid food & protein shakes. Talk about losing weight then…. This time I can still feel the disturbance to my digestives but it is very mild comparatively.
Strength didn’t bother me the last time cos I was literally ready to give up & die then. But not now. I am pretty frustrated with my diminishing strength. Yeah, I am gradually weakening. Screwing in screws took effort. Even vacuuming seems so difficult cos I had problems moving the furniture around. I used to be able to move everything from the bed to the chaise easily but not today. It feels as though I am having arthritis in my joints and especially in my knuckles. Yup, I have problems walking after getting up from a sitting position …my legs sometimes give way. My back hurts badly but that is probably due to the abuse I inflicted on it…I went laying bricks in the garden again…hauling bags and bags of dirt.
What I really don’t understand now is that I keep on getting body spasms and cramps all over …even my neck…
Yeah…and you wanted to know how my workouts are?? That will have to wait …a while…I am not gonna drive myself mad by worrying over accumulating fats….not now. Gotta focus on basic stuff first…like making my way safely around while driving & not losing my cool too much….
TAKING PICTURES
October 4, 2008I find it so hard to take pictures of myself especially when I am using the webcam which saves lots of time. Snag is …the cable is just over 2 feet long…and my mouse is cabled….maybe it is time to get a bluetooth dongle and get a wireless mouse. Look at some of my pics and you will see what I mean….I had to crop most of them …and some has bad lightings …though I am not complaining at the moment…helps conceal the flaws… note that I have hardly any full body shots except for the ones I used my phone camera with the self timer…lots more work if I use that…..
:-|
October 3, 2008
My hair finally stopped dropping & there’s new growth. I can still see the light at the end of the tunnel, just that now it is further off. These few weeks are really trying for me as well as tiring. Now that I am well into withdrawal, I could feel something was wrong. No, I didn’t imagine it. I did some things I wasn’t supposed to do. (No, I am not telling.) I could tell I was out of control especially where my extremely short fuse is concerned. Last night my little 6 year old told me I should start taking my medicine again. That time , I brushed her aside. But later the night, after numerous other unpleasant incidents, I made up my mind I wasn’t going into relapse and that I had to check matters out with my psychiatrist. Turns out that everything seems to be timed. He said to go back on half dose…5 mg Lexapro for a week and see if it is sufficient. If it is I stay on that for 3-6 months. If it wasn’t enough, I would need to have it upped to 10 mg….the original dosage… As though like clock work ( I hadn’t even started meds then…) by afternoon my body gave way. It was horrible…I had spasms like earlier this year when I was first treated. Then nausea got really bad…so bad that I, who do not really believe in afternoon siestas had to lie down..not to sleep but to get over the spinning. And yeah, I was shaking like a leaf…goes to show me how drug addicts suffer on withdrawal.
The kitchen sink is overflowing with dirty dishes waiting to be loaded into the dish washer…but no…I am not gonna do it today….maybe tomorrow.
Tomorrow I have made up my mind to work out whether I am tired or not. I know I definitely do not have the strength to do a proper workout but I’ve gotta to do what I’ve gotta do!!
And I know for the next few weeks, I have to be even stronger cos the antidepressant is gonna cause havoc for me. Plus, I would have to be mildly tranquilized during the day cos the anxiety attacks are getting worse & more frequent.
WHAT PHOTOGRAPHS CAN DO?
October 1, 2008
I don’t think I have to explain myself anymore that I love having fun with my camera & the somewhat impaired vision of men in general. Today I wondered what kind of reactions I will get from these pictures alone…ok I am a chicken at this….note that these pics are only IN my body blog and NOT in my progress pic nor profile….
:)
:-)
CARS & A WEAKENED OL’ ME
September 30, 2008Gosh!! I almost got slammed in by the 4WD hood this morning. There I was wondering why there was the groaning sound when I steered the wheel…thought I ought to check on the power steering transmission fluid…. I usually don’t drive that car but I wanted to park it out of the hot sun. Give me my little Honda City any day or my Kia Spectra. Just not the huge 4WD with no reverse sensor…
Not much has changed. The zapping is still there. But I am not letting it bother me..just go on with my things today and good news is I managed two very short workouts on my mini stepper. 2 sessions of a mere 5 minutes each… burned a lot less calories today…probably was about 70-80 cals only. Under "normal" conditions a 10 minutes session will easily burn 100 cals. Nope, not gonna take it too hard on myself. Not gonna let all these get me down. Yeah, you are right, I am …. surprisingly not really bothered that I have to go through this withdrawal anymore cos I do see the light at the end of the tunnel.
So what if I am weaker these few days? In a way, it allows me not to feel too guilty about not working out to the max. At least the nausea is gone for now… 
NOT MORNING SICKNESS
September 29, 2008Waking up yesterday and today was pretty hard. Now it is the feeling of being nauseous….yeah as though I am having morning sickness and for goodness’ sake I know I am NOT having morning sickness…not at all!!!
TRAINING ON HOLD
September 29, 2008It looks like I am putting training on hold while I get a grasp of my physical self. Good news is I have been eating rather clean. I got myself a new weighing scale…trying to convince myself the old one was faulty since I was putting on more weight. The good news is the weighing scale comes with a body fat & body hydration analyzer. And the ‘bad news’ is NOPE…my old scale was perfectly in order. Translation…yes, I am heavier. Good news is I have finally accepted (after the feedback from you guys & girls…) that the weight is muscles and not fat cos now that I am not really training…my weight is sliding down.
Hmm…surprising to find yet another silver lining in miseries….
First, in being diagnosed as having double depression and going into therapy …then finding out that exercise complemented the therapy…leading on to a happier and a much better looking person. Even my perpetual dark eye bags are gone….no more needing heavy make up to conceal them.
And now, the weight gain…is yet another indication I am further IMPROVING!!!
;)
ZAP!! ZAP!! ZAP!!!
September 29, 2008It is all about zapping today….brain zaps!! I can’t quite describe it but it goes something like this…feels like electrical impulses going back and forth in my head and there’s palpitations and feels as though my heart is dropping into my stomach real fast…like a roller coaster downward dip…feels AWFULLY AWFUL!!!!!!!!!! Then there are the shivers and tremors. And topped with terrible VERTIGO! How much worse can it get???? I know I shouldn’t be whining like this but I wish it would stop soon. Mentally I feel pretty strong but physically I have to keep on going….keeping myself busy to distract myself from all these… Ah…when I am driving…that is the scary part cos when the vertigo hits…I lose balance …yeah, even when seated in the driver’s seat…. Overtaking has become a night mare cos when I turn my head as a precaution (too many blind spots in my car…what is this with modern cars…??? They are coming up with more blind spots!!) cos I don’t trust my rear view mirror 100%!
LADIES…..HELP!!!! OR GUYS who knows what’s happening!!!
September 28, 2008Want to find out from you if this is a stage I have to go through. Feels like my body is changing shape… I used to wear jeans up to size 33 and when I lost weight, I went down to size 28. And lately even though my body looks better….size 29 seems to be a struggle for me to get in…. if you look at my progress pics you’ll see that I have actually shaped up quite a bit so why are my jeans (too) snug and my tops getting shorter…The tops maybe getting shorter cos my chest seems to be fuller now and my upper body more defined but I am lost when it comes to my pants esp now when I hardly have the bulging belly I had!!! It is rather scary ,too cos my weight is edging up and I haven’t done any binge-ing. And I am very active and still do workout.
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