So, my belly still has days of distention.  Nothing I didn’t deal with last year, of course, but still equally frustrating.  I actually have a cat scan tomorrow night at 8 for my abdomen.  I have to pick up the contrast dye to drink, which I heard tastes like ****.  Honestly, I often wonder how safe this **** you do for scans, and what not (barium also), really is for you.  And how thought of it?  Who woke up one day and figured, "Well, with this scan, we can see what we’re looking for, so perhaps if we drank dye, it would penetrate into the cells, thereby making said organs/muscles visible."  Seriously.  I feel like George Carlin here with the stupid **** that pops into my head.

So, got that going, FINALLY.  I also have scheduled an ultrasound with my legs, as there are times when there’s some sort of fluid build-up after working out.  These things will probably show nothing, because that is my luck.  I’ll just continue to have these mysterious weight and water gains for the rest of my life with no explanation.  It just boggles my mind that we have been literally dissecting the human body for the better part of 3600 years and we still can’t figure out a lot of crap going on with it.

Anyways, I digress.  So, I have approximately 3 1/2 weeks till show time.  My abs pop when I flex doing a crunch of sorts when I’m standing (leaning somewhat and curving towards my pelvis).  However, when I stand straight and flex the abdominals, the upper quadrant of my abs are less visible and my lower abdominals are distended, as though I were pregnant.  What’s strange, is that the lower abdomen is hard when I flex.  Could something have disturbed my lower abdominals during surgery?  I wonder.  Could it be fluid and my body still healing?  Eh.  I’m not too worried, because they did shrink in time for the show last year and I feel I’m better prepared this year, however, my body is holding fluid like an effen sponge.  I wonder if I consume a lot of salt the beginning of the week of the show, if that would work better when I go to eliminate the sodium …

My coach told me to cut carbs further, so I’m awaiting his reply to how much further and for how long.  I have been training.  Still procrastinate, but it’s better.  Back to procrastinating my fun things to do, i.e. drawing, 3d graphics, video games.  I’m a strange person.  Who procrastinates fun things?

So, last night, I went speed walking, as it were, with my sister and father.  We took little Parker Thai (my nephew of close to 1 1/2) and my sister’s dog, Nemo.  Yes… Nemo.  That’s what she named a dog who is slightly larger than medium-sized.  And he’s black with hints of dark brown - half golden retriever, half boxer.

I also weight trained.  I was a bit more motivated, although very tired.  I was also a bit more focused than usual, wonder if it had anything to do with the herbal supplement I’m taking for energy.  I will be logging that work out in later.

So far, things are looking alright.  I’m just hoping I can lose.  I really do wonder if I gained more muscle… if that’s what the weight gain on the scale is all about.  All this time, I’ve been trying to lose it.  It’s harder than I thought.

Till next time.

I need to blog more and keep up with the journaling of my workouts.  I call it pure laziness and forgetfulness.  I’ll have my computer on when I get home, but usually end up working on my artwork stuff, reading emails, or gaming.

It’s not like I haven’t been training either.  I’ve actually written down all my workouts on paper, just need to stick them in here.  I often forget to get the little post its I have everywhere to log it all in.  I also  have a couple of workouts in my PDA.  I should come up up with a spreadsheet so that it would be easier to log everything the PDA.  What would be super fabulous is if Bodybuilding.com would come up with some sort of program for PDAs, or smartphones, where you could log in your workouts and just upload them to the site.  What they should also include is some sort of diet and cardio logs.  Just a thought.  I think a lot of people could benefit from this, specifically those of us who have a hard time maintaining weight, or are looking to lose weight.

So, I have actually been working out and eating super lean with the literally occasional piece of chocolate… literally… like a tiny piece every two weeks.  My other treats are fruit, which I sadly binge on, or Jell-O.  Last week was it.  No more.  I no longer binged by the time the weekend came.  I can’t as I’m four weeks out.  My weight loss is coming along sort of.  So now is the time to actually log my weight and measurements.  I want to be sure I’m losing.  I’ve already told Marcus this, of course.  I’m sure he’s been busy, as I have not heard from him yet.

Things were a bit shaky between my fiance and I up until recently.  A couple of weeks ago, we had "a talk" and that just had me so stressed out and depressed that I barely wanted to eat and had to force myself to actually consume.  I had no desire to binge.  I just wanted to sleep.  I actually ate healthy foods, no junk.  However, I barely worked out… luckily during that week, I had gotten most of my cardio in, but only one weight training day.  I bounced back somewhat by last Monday.  I say bounced back emotionally, but I did workout all week.

Well, I’ll be updating my profile later today then.  Logging in all necessary workouts.  Tomorrow morning I should wake up earlier and weigh myself, but I know I won’t.  Hate that freakin scale.  It’s not even accurate.  You could step on it four times and it’ll give you four different numbers.

Peace out.

P.S.  Yesterday I had done Muay Thai training, which I really shouldn’t be doing.  I should only be doing treadmill four days a week, but I couldn’t resist.  I love it.  I did alright.  We had also done 7-min abs… I hate my brother-in-law.  No weight training as my shoulder was throbbing and I feared further damage.

I know… I’m slow with my blogging as of late.  Blame it on laziness, because I haven’t another reason as to why.  I also have been laxed in entering my workouts.  I have them written down, just need to enter them.

So… on an upside, I received a letter this past weekend from Norway!  This letter blew me away and actually became my motivation and inspiration.  I honestly haven’t a clue as to how inspirational I am, or that I even made an impact in anyone’s life.  Let’s face it… I’m not perfect.  I never claimed to be.  Nor am I dishonest about my faults and flaws.  I have blatantly written posts about my bouts of binging, but as always… my binging is only one meal most times and I always get back on the horse the next day…. but… I still binge.  I’m not a pro in figure competing either, nor do I have someone I could truly relate to who may be.  Unfortunately, most pros… or even competitors, will practically claim to have perfect diets.  I often wonder how true is.  They never binge, or fell off the wagon.  They don’t have their days of, "Uhh… I don’t feel like it today", but still manage to get all their workouts in during the week.  They never claim to be out of focus, or not motivated.  Is it just me, or is all that crap edited in magazines?

I digress.  Let’s proceed on with the later.  Until next time…

A little message from Norway

So, I got the results from the blood work.  These were tests for pretty much everything, including all thyroid, H Pylori, and Celiac’s Disease.  My thyroid, with the help of homeopathics I’m assuming, had gone from 3.64 to 1.60, so it lowered.  Everything else came back fine as well.  WTF???  So, if my thyroid actually had gone down to the point where my metabolism would be on fire, why aren’t I losing weight?  Well, only thing I could think of is that perhaps my weight gain is water.  Who knows?

So I had an appointment already scheduled with my holistic specialist and tell him everything.  So, he decides to do a food allergy test.  Great.  A bit unorthodox, I must admit, as he had me hold amphitmatmines to test for the allergies.  I forget why.  I always feel like I need to record my visits, I swear.  At any rate… with most of the foods I eat, I’m fine, but apparently eating raw tomatoes and peppers (in that family), makes my metabolism slow down… I know, strange.  He also thinks that my protein powder may be doing the same, but wants to recheck in my next visit when I bring him samples of ALL protein powders I’ve consumed in the past year, or so.  Fine.  So, luckily I brought my vitamins and Omegas I’ve been taking.  The Ultimate Omega by Nordic Naturals, which is, by the way, one of the best brands to buy any fish oil from, due to the standards and apparently, he’s not too keen with them, because it’s not Biotics Research (total rip off these people), those make my metabolism slow down… even CLA which he tested me for.  He thought it was strange as he condones EFAs of all kinds as a source of fat and a way to manage weight loss.  So, he said my metabolism speeds up with Omega 9s… I know… weird.  Told my fiance and he thought that was bullshit.  So, he tests me for everything else… once he gets to the multi-vitamin/mineral by Now Foods Eve…. he didn’t have enough amphetamines to even match the response, or whatever he was looking for.  He boils it down to not being the minerals but one of the B vitamins… so weird.    So he goes on to tell my that my body is having a difficult time metabolizing Omega 3 & 6 type lipids as well as one of the B vitamins, thereby causing my metabolism to slow down.  Anyone ever hear of that??  I searched all over the internet one day and couldn’t find anything about that.  Of course, he says, this wouldn’t show up in any medical test.  Whatever.  I don’t know if I should believe him, or not.  Apparently his assisstant/student is "allergic" to chicken.  It slowed down his metabolism so much, he’d practically pass out sleeping after eating it.  Whatever.

So I eliminated the multi-vitamin and omegas to see if that’s what it is, even though I consumed them in the past (like, within the past year when my weight stabilized to what it used to be when I was lighter).  Just to see if that’s what it is.  I just don’t understand why my body would suddenly react this way.

I have an appointment tomorrow with the GI specialist.  This was an appointment my physician felt I should go to.  So, fine, I’m going.  Maybe he can figure out the distended abdomen, since my holistic specialist didn’t bother checking for that.  My anxiety is better, though, so I know homeopathics works great for me brain.

Other than all that, if no one can figure anything out, I’m seriously considering going into med school myself and becoming far greater than Dr Oz.  Seriously, I don’t think most surgeons, doctors, specialists, what have you, really knows what goes on with the body after the trauma of surgery.  Especially for those who’ve never had surgery before… honestly, it could screw SOMETHING up, I’m sure.  AND no one really knows if lipo is that great (yeah, that was part of the abdominoplasty).

Then I’m dealing with the stress of finding a nice, cheap place to hold a ceremony, but it seems the wedding industry’s gotten to parks, as well.  I don’t want it to be hick, either… it sucks.  Out in the midwest they have oodles of parks they could have ceremonies at, without charge.  In Western MA, different story.  You want to get married at someplace nice, you’re looking at putting a great deal of cash equivalent to a down payment on a house.  Sorry… not worth in my opinion.  I don’t care how "big" of a day it is.  Then the fiance doesn’t help much, specifically in the house hunting aparment… so… eventually we’ll move in together… hope he’s not waiting until AFTER we’ve exchanged vows, because I sure as hell am not going to live with his father, or separate.  So, wedding stress, house hunting stress, OOO job stress (looking for a position in my field) and all this health bull shit I need to figure out in order to continue to compete - FUN.

Yeah, so, I’ve managed to gain weight and stay at that weight again… I was doing fine for a while, sticking between 114 and 116.  Then two weeks after weighing myself at 116, I was 124… then hovering around 120.  Not to mention suddenly having a distended lower abdomen, to which no one has a clue as to why.  I’ve sought professional medical help via Physician, but this guy just ordered bloodwork and told me to play detective to figure out which foods are making me retain water and having a distended belly.  Then I happened to have an appointment with my surgeon for him to check my scars and told him, crying, that I wasn’t happy with the surgery.  He was clearly taken by it and started to try to figure out what the deal was.  He said some of these problems should go away for the most part (i.e. suddenly more cellulite appearing on my hips, thighs and buttocks) and that my metabolism was still trying to normalize.  The only logical explanation he had was that I exercised too much too soon, which I think is total bull.  He then wanted to order an ultrasound for my legs and a catscan.  We go through all this crap to make sure I’d be able to do those things, only to find out my insurance will only pay after a $500 deductible is met.  So I had to cancel those appointments until I change my benefits options.

I’m still awaiting results from my bloodwork.  My sister told me she’d forgotten if my thyroid was normal, but still waiting results for lupus and Celiac’s Disease.  In the meantime, I’ve gotten rid of protein powder for the most part and have been trying to eat more naturally (ie, mostly egg whites, chicken, fish, minimal amount of sodium possible (no added salt), no more canned tuna, veggies, brown rice and rice cakes).  I’ve eliminated quite a bit, including products that my have any kind of "unnatural" sweetener.  I’ve also eliminated oatmeal and shredded wheat from my diet, perhaps I’m allergic to gluten.

Not sure what’s suddenly causing this weight gain, water retention, butterfly-type redness across my face, hair loss and distended belly and honestly, I’m tired of being a medical mystery.  I just want someone to figure stuff out.

In the meantime, on the weekends, although I still barely meet my caloric requirements, I still manage to self-sabotage with ice cream, because at this point, subconciously I’m thinking what the eff is the effen point?  I’ve since had a discussion with myself (this morning actually) and decided to quit being so negative, to sleep more and drink more water and try not to be so anxious all the time. I should give Marcus a call and find out his opinions as well…
And now I’m dealing with a retard here at work… I wish I didn’t have to work with annoying people… specifically an ex I was friends with whom I begged my boss father to give a job to.  Undeserving ass…

So, I did nothing Thursday evening… like absolutely nothing.  I was so debilitated by anxiety that I had gone straight to bed after I came home from work.  I brought it upon myself, though, otherwise, I’d probably have no anxiety to deal with… other than the usual I deal with on a day to day basis.

At any rate, I felt good enough on Friday to get at least 40 min on the treadmill, but didn’t get the chance to lift.  Nor did I get the chance to lift or do more cardio on Saturday and Sunday was a bit of walking outside, but not much of it.  Too cold.  Couldn’t lift as my basement is all topsy-turvy due to my mother’s insane idea of starting a licensed day-care… bullshit.

So, I’m hoping this week will be a better week.  We’ll see.

Yes indeedy I am.  Which is great.  Eating was OK… still clean, though… not meeting requirements.  Workouts are GREAT!  After having driven close to an hour to CT, I ate a meal, digested a bit and spoke with Marcus, and left to lift and do some cardio.  Which I did, thank you very much.  I had done legs and shoulders, then proceeded to do my 40 min on the treadmill.

I went home feeling accomplished and STARVING.  )  Needless to say, it was great.

Saturday, the same!  However, it took me a little while to get motivated, so I was only able to bang out 30 min on the treadmill… better than nothing.

Overall, I’m getting there… still trying to meet meal and water requirements on the weekends.

So, it seems weight gain for me is inevitable these days.  I just still find it very strange that I can easily gain fat and water since after my surgery.  After having seen the surgeon and having blood work done, nothing reveals anything to be wrong.  However, when I visited with my homeopathics specialist, he did state my metabolism was slow.  Next visit, I’m going to have to bring up that whatever he’d given me isn’t really working anymore.  I mean, I used to gain a few lbs off season, but all I had to do was clean up my diet and I would lose just fine.   Not to this time… I clean up my diet and I’m still either gaining water, or something.

At any rate, last night I made a point to get my workout in before heading out to see Watchmen with a friend.  However, when I got home, I wasn’t feeling the greatest… could be nervousness, or anxiety.  Once I felt a little better, I had my shake and banana and headed down for 40 min at 4.5 on the treadmill.  I never got the chance to lift, because once I was done, I had to shower and head out.  I even thought I may have had the chance to lift when I got home, but the movie turned out to be like 3 hours long.  Not a biggie.  I plan on going to Cardio Express today and getting my cardio and lifting in.

Still trying to hit 3 liters of water…

… on track.  I need to start posting on here.  Seemed to be the only way to motivate.  I really have nothing going on aside from work, so I should have no excuse… well, my nephew is staying over a lot lately, and he’s more active these days.  He’s almost one!  Just a few more days!  So, when he’s over, I pay attention to him.  Then, lose motivation for actually working out and eating "right".  Not that I eat unhealthy, I really don’t, but I haven’t eaten like I used to.  I used to eat less protein powder and more chicken, fish, etc. with veggies.  Gotta start doing that and stop being so freakin lazy about it.

So my agenda for today… well, my meals aren’t where I"d like them to be so it’ll be the usual protein powder and oatmeal for breakfast and snack, tilapia and broccoli for lunch, protein and veg for snack (maybe egg whites if I get the chance to eat them before my work out), 40 min treadmill, muay thai (maybe… depends how my shoulder feels… trainer likes the bag on Wednesdays… I hate it), weight lifting immediately after… maybe before… I should probably do it before, but it sucks going to kickboxing after… hmmm…  And hitting 3 liters of water today.

Wish me luck!  Oh, gotta call my friend Marcus as well.

So, it’s been a while since I’d last written.  I had the show… didn’t place, despite my efforts.  It’s cool, though.  I’ll admit, I was a tad depressed… OK.. I WAS CRYING!  BUT… I couldn’t thank Marcus enough for getting my body back to a semi-normal place.  He really helped my body go through the changes necessary to get anywhere!  I can’t thank him enough and need to thank him somehow… soon.

HOWEVER.. I think the reason I didn’t place was because an error on my end.  He had told me to watch the changes in my body before proceeding into my 2nd meal with carbs… what did I do, you ask???  Well, I noticed the changes alright … I awoke that morning looking the leanest I’d ever looked.  I’d never weighed 110 for a show nor did I ever notice my waist get down to 25 inches.  I had ABS!  I couldn’t believe how great i"d looked!  I was solid to boot, too, which should’ve given me the clue to not have any carbs that morning.  But I did anyway… my 2nd meal, even after I’d noticed I’d gotten a little softer, I’d still eaten carbs anyway, thereby severly spilling over.  I’m such a f*** up sometimes.  Now, I can say, "Oh, well … ya live and learn."  That night I was myself senseless.

I’d spoken to Marcus which didn’t really help at the time… I suppose his words didn’t quite sink in until the next week.  Even after having spoken to Jeff and Jeff explaining to me how he had to fix what was broken first before proceeding to lean out with only 3 weeks to work with, still I felt the pain of defeat… of not being good enough…

At any rate, after the initial show, I did lift Monday & Tuesday, despite usually taking a week off from lifting, or doing anything entirely, because I was off to France with my daddy.  So I lifted Monday and Tuesday and attended kickboxing Monday and did the treadmill Tuesday.  During our time in France, my father and I managed to go running in the morning 4 days out of the 7 we were there.  Each time anywhere from 13 to 20 minutes.  So it wasn’t bad.  This week I just got, aside from Monday, got back into working out.  I lifted Tuesday, still not feeling well enough for cardio and last night had done kickboxing.

I’m better in spirits with goals I’d like to attain in the off season as well as career goals to focus on now.