lil_death’s BodyBlog

After work, I had to go out and buy more chicken breasts as I had already gone through the family pack I’d bought last week.  Crazy.  I can’t believe how much cheaper it is to buy food to make you fat that will end up costing you more in the future, than it is to stay fit and lean.  Especially when I shop at my local Big Y.  Effen crazy expensive there.  Who do they think they are??? Whole Foods?? Not by a LONG shot.  I wish there were others who felt the same way as I do so that we all could boycott that chain.  They’re popping up like daisies EVERYWHERE.  Where the EF is Whole Foods and Trader Joe’s, or Hannafords?  I know Big Y only does it to be in every effen neighborhood, that way you have no choice, but to shop there out of sheer convenience.  Then they have these stupid teenage boys who couldn’t give a rats ass about putting rotting salads out to sell for there Buy 1 Get 5 Free sale (overexaggeration here).  Sorry for the rant.

I got the last laugh though.  Went over to Armata’s, a local, seemingly Italian-owned grocery store.  Tiny, but cheap.  I was able to get a bag of chicken breasts, frozen, for .99/lb and then I got chicken cutlets for 2.88/lb.  Ef Big Y, dude.  Ha!  In Ya FacE!!!

 Anyways, got home, showered and exfoliated to take my blotchy tanner off, then talked with my mom a bit and dragged myself to the basement to work out.  Did not feel like it.  I get like that when I start getting discouraged and don’t see what I want to see in the mirror, so I’m left with the subconcious self-fulfilling prophecy of "why bother".  But I lifted and got on the treadmill immediately thereafter, all while watching Charlie Brown.  Hey… it gets the mind off the low-carbing-low-energy-telling-people-to-ef-
off attitude.

I ate prior to that, making a pathetic protein "cake", just using protein powder and water.  Hey… I’m craving horribly, it’s the week before my period, I’m depleting, what more do you want?

After all that, I watched a bit of TV, took a shower, went back down to the basement, only to fall asleep on the couch, awoke and went to bed.

This morning I wake up, look in the mirror, and to my horror: I look like shit.  Marcus said I would, but seriously.  I hate the loose skin I have on the side of my ass and my lower back and sides. It’s ridiculous.  And due to that looseness, you can really see fat and water, so it’s all lumpy and "cellulitic", so that depressed me.  I was supposed to take pictures this morning for my coach, but didn’t get the chance, because I had to be at work by 5:45 am.  I didn’t weigh myself either.

I’m getting rather depressed and looks like I’ll be placing dead last in both classes… <sigh>

So I called Marcus for the updates.  Told him what I noticed.  I think I look like crap at this point and haven’t a chance in hell in placing.  I may get lucky and place last!  LOL

 He gave me the updated diet.  Doesn’t sound fun at all and my workouts for this week aren’t too horrible.  He also said that if I had given him more time, meaning, if I had called him earlier instead of 3 1/2 weeks prior to the show, I could’ve just "coasted in".  Coasted in???  This is coasting in for me.  )  Although, I must admit, I will be missing my veggies.

I can only hope to lose 2 to 3 more lbs by show time.  I’m shooting for 4 or 5.  Is that too unrealistic?  <sigh>  I guess we’ll see.  I only have 4 days left.  OMG!  4 Days!

Not to mention, stupid me decided to tan earlier than usual and f***ed things up.  I’m all blotchy now in my chest area thanks to my sweaty ass.  Yes, I did exfoliate and moisturized 2 days before, exfoliated and shaved right before tanning, showered after having literally slept with the tan on and showered the next day with soap.  Blotted dry.  I looked great.  No blotchiness.  Then, I go for the breast cancer walk and afterwards I’m all blotchy.  Now I have to exfoliate like a mother and pay someone to fix it.  Fabulous.  Like I make millions, or something.

I was going over the amount of money I’d wasted and spent just trying to lose weight alone, let alone prepping for a show.  Mind boggling.  With one person saying this and another saying that.  Nothing really worked.  Then I tried to go off on my own thinking I was doing the right thing, when all I was doing was hurting myself further.  Then I had to call for reinforcements.  At least this guy is doing it for free.  I will give him something anyway.  I’m nice like that.  I never take people for granted.  ESPECIALLY when they’ve helped me tremendously.  I will be forever grateful to this guy and my naturopathic dr.

Peace out till then.  I’m sure I’ll be blogging more as I look more like s**t.  Well, Marcus did say I would and I wouldn’t look my best until the day of the show and that if he had more time, he could’ve gotten me to look even better.  Oh, well, time restraints.  What are you gonna do?

I’m starting to see a slight improvement in my figure.  My lower half is still debatable, however, but my shoulders look great. I didn’t work out yesterday other than walk.  I was going to lift, but felt like crap due to a cold my loveable mother gave me.  I just finished my lifting now, as I still felt crappy this morning.

I did do my cardio Wednesday, Thursday and yesterday.  I will also be getting some additional cardio tomorrow when I do the 5 mile Rays of Hope walk (Searching for a Cure for Breast Cancer).  I OK’d it with Marcus.  He said some additional cardio couldn’t hurt me right now.  I’ve been "low carbing", or his version of anyway, since Thursday and I do notice the slight less push and energy in my workouts.  I can still push through.  I’ve low-carbed for the better part of 6 or 7 years, so it’s nothing new to me.  I’m determined to look better than earlier this year and give my body the push it needs to continue to lose the fat I’ve gained earlier this year.  So, even though I know I won’t place well this show, I’ll know that my body will continue to lose fat.  That’s enough for me.  I’ll be disappointed, but it’s not like it’s nothing new to me… not placing I mean.  At least at this show.  There’s always next year.  I AM eating more though.  That’s saying a lot, especially when my calories were barely hitting the 1200 mark all week.  My refeed day I hit 1700 and looked awesome the next day, so I am not complaining.

I have one week from today now.  I have to shower, exfoliate and tan tonight, weigh tomorrow first thing in the morning and do my measurements before the walk, and call Marcus.  I also have to remember to talk to the make up chick.  I forgot to call her, dummy me.

Here’s to hoping…

So, I haven’t gotten the chance to do my cardio today.  Not a big deal.  I can do it still Wednesday, Thursday & Friday.  I did do it yesterday, so it’s cool.  The receiver blew out one of the TVs we have and so my father and I had to carry down an old TV to the basement and hooked that one up.  The receiver almost blew that one, as well, so by the time he figured out that it was the receiver and by the time I had everything hooked back up (can’t watch DVDs on the DVD/receiver, so I had to hook up the PS2 to the VCR), I realized what time it was.  It’s time to eat and can’t go later without eating.

Anywho.  I’ve also forgotten to head out to the store to buy more veggies and proteins.  Great.  I’m super retarded at this point.  Gonna have to do it tomorrow.  Will have to after I lift and do cardio and eat so that I’m not strapped for time.

Called Marcus* (*name to protect the innocent), J’s (bf) friend.  Gave him the upate to which he thought was as exciting as I had thought, so this week seems like it’ll be a toughy, but I know I got it in me.  I have to stay positive and focused and keep thinking I only have less than 2 weeks left to look great.  Let’s hope I can meet my goal.  He says it’s possible.  I say, I don’t know.  My body’s stubborn.  )

Guess only timing of food will tell.

It was a rather short, yet informative conversation, to say the least.  That’s what I like about Marcus.  Not only does he tell you what to eat and what to do for workouts, but explains what happens in the body during this or that time.  Great refresher course for me, as I had forgotten a bit of my nutrition since I’d only taken one nutrition class and that was way over a year ago.  I learned something new, also about the body and water.  I love science!

With that, I’m gonna eat!

I had a rather decent weekend, I suppose.  Friday night I came home from work and went on a walk with my sister and my father for 40 minutes.  We came home, and I tried to finish my laundry quickly and pack, so that I can get a move on over to my bf’s house.  I ate egg whites and broccoli with oatmeal and headed down, had my last meal and later went to bed.

Saturday morning, I awoke.  I stared at the scale like it was my worst enemy.  I peeled off my clothes and stepped on the scale.  Lo and behold: 117 lbs!  I hadn’t been able to get passed 117.5 in forever!!!  I couldn’t believe my eyes!  That gave me the drive to stay focused in my lifting that morning.  We ate our 1st meals and headed out to the gym.  I first worked on shoulders, the bf joined the gym as well, and we both did legs together.  I miss that… working out with him.  I feel it brings me closer to him as it’s something we both enjoy…. well, at least I do.  The rest of the day was spent eating meals and visiting his grandfather who seemed alright, but refused to get out of bed.  The bf has been surprising me a lot lately, too, so it seems our relationship, at this point, has been better than ever.

Sunday I awoke early, ate my first meal and waited for the bf.  He awoke and did what he had to do.  I punched in the address for the dance studio out in Northborough where I need to go to learn the Fit Body posing.  Not too bad, only 45 min from the bf’s house.  I asked if he wanted to come, in hopes that perhaps he could learn a bit and watch me from then on so that he could correct me, if needed.  We put our meals together and headed up.  I already had my suit on, so no changing required when I got there.  I was completely surprised by the kindness and hospitality the instructor and the other girls (essentially my competition) had.  Completely different than I had expected.  I learned so much and glad that I had gone.  All the girls loved my suit.  That was nice to hear.  I always thought it was just ok.  Most of the girls looked outstanding already.  One had already competed 2 weeks prior - no brainer there.  Another girl just looked phenomenal.  I, of course, compared myself to all of them.  As is my custom.  I looked like shit compared to them.  My lower half is not going anywhere, it seems and it’s too late to turn back now that I spent all that money.  Well, afterwards the bf and I got a look at his grandfather’s house to which will be his when the man dies.  Bleh!  Total white trash looking.  Oh, well, a house is a house.  We ate at Subway and headed home and towards a LONG TRAFFIC JAM.  ALWAYS.  Freakin A.  It’s the damned Sturbridge exit, which we have to take.  Always freakin packed!  WHY???  Why can’t a lot of these people who don’t live in MA and CT just stay HOME???  What’s the big deal with the leaves??  What?? Aint’ got any?  That’s what’s so great about the internet… looking at it online and saving gas.

Sorry for the rant.  We got home.  I weighed myself again with full tummy and clothes on:  117.5!  Not a bad deal.  Seems his friend knows what he’s doing and I’m forever thankful.  Just wish I could lose the lower half a bit by contest time.  Doesn’t seem feesible.  Only 5 lbs.  Maybe.

I just finished lifting and am off to the treadmill for 40 min whilst watching IRONMAN!!!  I LOVED THE CARTOON!  Can’t wait!  Then it’s meal time and calling the bf’s friend for updates!

So I shouldn’t have weighed myself last night, especially a 1/2 hour after a workout and a meal and also knowing that I usually swell by the end of the day from the December surgery… but I did anyway.  UGH!  Stupid scale!  AND I don’t know if I’m measuring myself correctly or doing the skinfold test correctly.  Nothing is coming out right!

Last night, due to time constraints and having to buy the necessary fuel for my body, I was only able to accomplish the 40 min on the treadmill.  So I’m pissed!  I’m starting to feel like an utter failure.  I keep thinking over and over, "Did I not work out hard enough?  Lift heavy enough?  Eat clean enough?"  Know what my answers are??  Yes, yes and yes!  I’m nearing the two week mark and my body is just not having it.  Not responding to anything I do.  I’ve tied the opposite end of the spectrum, dieting like crazy, taking carbs out and circuit training with 1 to 2 hour cardio days.  What’s the deal???  I fear I won’t even look as good as I did last year (see picture on my profile), and that’s what I’m aiming for!  I have to call my bf’s friend today and express to him my anxieties, because I can’t take it anymore.  At this point, it has to be water from swelling.  Couldn’t possibly be fat, because I would’ve at least lost a freakin pound and be on my way to lose another!  Of fat, I mean, of course.

Honestly, I was thinking last night, if it wasn’t due to the fact that I paid over $100 for membership and 2 class costs (have to fork over another $40 for polygraph), I would’ve given up by now.

Effen body.  I’m sure there is absolutely no possibility on this planet at this point that I will get down to at least 115.  I know it ain’t muscle, because for months I’ve been doing a circuit routine and barely eating enough calories for my body to use just for functioning, let alone for building. 

My sister even prescribed a diuretic for me, just in case.  I had taken it before, with no results.  What the ef is going on?  Nobody has an effen clue as to what’s happening in my body.  I’ve had blood work done and it shows nothing.  I’ve gone to my naturopathic doctor and he states my metabolism slowed down, but at the last visit says it’s regulating, so I should’ve lost SOME FAT!  My surgeon… I’ve got nothing.  He doesn’t know.  I’m a weird case he’s never experienced before.  No explanation… maybe it’s water, maybe it’s muscle.  But it’s definitely not fat.

I know it takes a full year for some people to recover, but I should’ve noticed SOMETHING by now.  My legs look like s**t!  See the picture???  Nice toned legs.  You look at them now… ewww.  Cellulite on my quads!  I’ve never had cellulite on my quads like I have it now!  What the ef does surgery do to someone??

Of course men don’t have to worry about all that crap.  Blah.  No water weight to worry about due to menstrual cycles, not weight gain due to menstrual cycles and babies, nada.  They just bitch and moan about other things, because they’re BABIES!  They stop eating junk food and they lose like 100 lbs their first day!  Stupid men. GRRR

Yeah, sorry for the hating…. I do have a BF who’s metabolism is about as fast as NASA’s fatest rocket.  Annoying.

I just keep thinking like his friend does - there’s still hope.  No need to worry, you’ll look great.  Yet, he wished I had gone to him sooner.  Yeah… so do I.

Yeah, I’m either super bloated, or just plain feel it.  Didn’t lift yesterday, just walked really fast outside.  Assuming my sister and I hit the 4.3 mph mark, whilst mi poor papi is sort of trying to keep up.  For a guy in his 50s, he doesn’t do too bad.  )

In other news, today I’m definitely gonna kick my butt into gear.  It’s abs day, pretty much with a wonderful time on the treadmill whilst popping in Superbad.  I may also due some pilates to stretch out a bit.  Haven’t seen it yet.  I increased my Netflix membership only for this month so that I could have more movies to watch while on the treadmill.  I need my mind off my body sometimes, I like distractions.  But when it comes to lifting, I’m usually very focused, only this year, I’ve been the least focused ever.  No motivation.  I’m starting to get that back a bit and love every second of it.

I need to try on my suit without the padding on the top to see if it will fit.  Otherwise, I’m screwed and will have to think of something super duper clever to cover the boobies.

My body is still pretty soft looking.  Not sure if it’s water or fat.  <sigh>  I know, I’m obsessed.  You would be too if you had a show coming up in 2.5 weeks.  OMG!  I can’t believe it!  2.5 weeks!!!  I hope I can lean out by then!

I just keep thinking about when this is over, how I’m most likely going on a trip to Salem, MA to celebrate Halloween/Day of the Dead with my bf (he’s never been during the Halloween season) and my Paris trip with my daddy on the 6th to visit family and finally get to see the Louvre.  I love art.

Wish I had my old body back.  It wasn’t so hard before.

Spoke with my bf’s friend about what was going on and updates.  He gave me my update for the week and reassured me that I will look great by November 1.  I don’t know.  My posing coach said the same thing when she saw me Friday, and I was bloated as hell.  She said more along the lines of not to worry about it so much.  Can’t help it.  What if I suddenly  swell that day?  Oi.

I’ve updated my progress stats, don’t see much a diff and I don’t think I’m measuring anything correctly.  Wish I had someone to show me.

So, I spoke with my bf’s friend and gave him the stats and updates he needed, to which he basically changed my diet only a tad, but that my workouts are to stay the same.  He keeps saying, "Don’t worry.  You’ll look great on November 1.  Just wish I had more time to get an idea what your body is doing so it would be easier to tweak."  Yeah, wished I had begged Jeff to give me his friend’s number earlier in the year instead of literally wasting hundreds of dollars on people who seem to have no real interest to help me.  Seem, I said.  Not accusing.

I just feel as though since I’m not "pro" or have the "starlett look" they don’t bother with me as much, I guess.  At least that’s the feeling I have with my team.  Unfortunate, I know, but I guess that’s how it is in the industry.  Also, I feel I don’t get as much focus because I have "too much  muscle."  Whatev.  Because I’m not DYING to be the cover model of Fitness or what have you, I’m not worth it?  How about the goal of someday making it to Olympia??  Screw magazines!  If someone thinks I have potential, then damn, why not go for it. 

Anyways… I see VERY little changes.  I’ve updated my progress stats to see if I notice.  I feel like I’m getting weaker.  I may change up my lifting, so instead of chest/tris, maybe chest/bis, since they’ll be fatigued.  We’ll see.

Only Cardio today.  )

Well, I know I haven’t posted as to the "goings on".  I’ve been a bit busy at work and didn’t want to get busted and then when I got home, just plain didn’t feel like it.  Over the weekend, I worked out by myself.  The bf worked out after I had on Friday night, as I had to go over to his sister’s for a "girl’s night out" Silpada party.  Not really my thing, as it is spending money on overly priced things, but I went anyway.  Saturday, his grandfather wasn’t doing too well, so I went off on my own to the gym while he went over his grandparents’ house with his mother. 

Going to the gym by yourself is a bit intimidating, as some people have a tendency to see what you’re doing, which I hate.  Mind your business, tend to your own business.  I’m just a bit irrate, because you see those "meat heads" who either are working out hard and looking to see who’s checking them out, or working out hard and looking to see what you’re doing.  I’m not offending those who do lift, but you know the type to which I’m speaking of.  Then there are those women who lift light weights and STARE at you, because you have the 10 lb dumbbells they’re looking for and your using due to your shoulder’s injury and can’t lift heavier.  Like there aren’t 2 other pairs you could use, you know?

Then there are the teens.  You know the ones.  The ones who do like 10 million different exercises and keep going up for dumbbells and grabbing lighter ones, then going back and grabbing heavier ones.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve done that myself, because sometimes I don’t know when I’m able to lift heavier, but their freakin workout that day was a tad unorthodox, to say the least.  Not quite circuit, not quite power lifting, no quite sure what the ef they were doing, to be honest.  I have no idea what their routine was, but while two were working out, one was chillin seeing what the eff I was doing.  Dude, mind your business.  I hate mirrors for this reason.  I don’t even "check myself out" when I’m lifting.  AND I hate when people just look at me, period.  It makes me feel self concious.  Yes, I realize I have a lot of muscle on my small frame.  I’m working on getting it down a bit.  Am I THAT freaky looking?  I’m not juicing, THAT’s for sure.  God… who wants to look like a dude?  Or sound like one?  Since when did that become hot?

 I’m ranting.  At any rate.  Still keeping the faith with my bf’s friend.  He has me on a different diet.  I haven’t noticed changes, but not sure if I’m supposed to.  I notice a difference in energy, but not quite much in recovery as far as soreness is concerned.  I can deal.  I’m a big girl.  I’m supposed to do 40 min on the treadmill at 4.3 to 4.5 mph 4 times a week.  No more, no less.  Last week, I didn’t listen, because I have this "THING" about doing more cardio.  It’s ingrained in me.  I went to muay thai training anyway, when I probably shouldn’t have, but didn’t do more cardio as we had  1/2 hour day that day.  1/2 hour of muay thai is equivalent to like an hour of HIIT.  At least in my brother-in-law’s studio it is.

Frustrating, to say the least, that I don’t notice changes.  I went to posing, only to find myself a bit peeved, as I was told to meet up with one of the crew on my team for posing.  I was told by some staff member, not sure which, could’ve been the owner, could’ve been the ditz of an administrative assistant, at any rate, that I should go down there for Ms Fit Body posing, to which I’m unfamiliar.  I know it’s like bodybuilding, but with fingers extended; more feminine.  Well, we worked on figure when I got there, but she knew nothing of the class, let alone the posing.  I know it wasn’t her that told me to go there, because she would’ve said something.  My posing got a little bit of check, but other than that I was "perfect."  She also said not to worry to much about my body, because it looks tight and I just may lean out on time.  I hope so.

I’m done writing.  Need to call the bf’s friend for updates.