“So, what are you doing for a living these  days?” Bob asked me. We’re sitting on the couch at one of those  tedious holiday get-togethers, you know, the ones where you’re supposed to be  nice to family members you never see except during major holidays and funerals.  I think Bob is my wife’s brother-in-law’s second cousin or something.
“I’m the assistant editor and a writer for Testosterone magazine,” I say.  Bob looks at me with a blank expression on his face, as if I’d  just told him I sell handmade testicle warmers beside the freeway and was  looking to open franchises across the nation.
“It’s a bodybuilding  magazine,” I say.
Blank expression. Deer caught in the headlights. Ronnie  Coleman doing trigonometry.
“Oh,” Bob finally  says, “I heard you were, like, one of those bodybuilder guys or something. So,  what’s that like, you know, working out every day and stuff? I just don’t have  time to lift weights all day, but I have been meaning to get rid of this beer  belly.” He takes another sip of beer. “What do you suggest?” Sip.
At first I was a little offended.  I wanted to grab him up and say, “You can’t tell I’m a bodybuilder?! Look at my  ass! Now, if that’s not a nice round squat-built piece of sirloin, I don’t know  what is! You think that comes naturally? I can crack walnuts with this puppy!  Wanna see? Huh, punk? Do ya? Do ya?”
Then I realize this just might cause a  scene and could cost me several Christmas presents. I was planning on returning  any presents I got and using the money to buy a power rack, so I didn’t want to  jeopardize this gift getting opportunity. I also realized that old  Bob probably had a certain preconceived image of a bodybuilder  and I just didn’t fit that image. I’m not gorilla huge; I weigh about 205 at  5′11″ right now. (When I first started lifting I was a pudgy 159, so that’s not  too shabby.) Also, I wasn’t wearing clown pants, a fluorescent string tank top,  a hanky on my head and one of those little fanny packs. And isn’t that what  real bodybuilders are supposed to  wear?
Bob continued to sit there drinking his Natural Light, smoking  a cigarette and waiting for an answer, oblivious to the fact that he’d come  this close to seeing some serious  walnut- crunching ass power. I tried to figure out how I could explain to the  average guy what the typical T-Man does and why he does it. How could I get him  to understand what it is we do, how we feel, how we live? So I took a deep  breath and told him something like this:
“Well, Bob, I  guess you could use the term bodybuilder if you really need a label for what it  is we do. Most of us actually don’t stand on stage and compete, though. We lift  weights and manipulate our diets so that we’ll look good naked. Sure, it’s  healthy too, and we’ll probably live a longer and more productive life than the  average guy, but mostly it’s about the naked thing. Truthfully, it goes beyond  even that.
“Let’s be honest here. We do it because of people like you,  Bob. We look at you sitting there with your gut hanging over  your belt and we watch you grunt and groan just getting out of a chair. Guys  like you are our inspiration, Bob. You’re  better than Anthony Robbins, Bill Phillips, Deepak Chopra, and Zig ****ing  Ziglar all wrapped up into one. We love it when guys like you talk about not  having time to exercise. Every time we see you munching on a bag of potato  chips, you inspire us. You’re my shot in the arm, Bob, my  living and breathing wake-up call, my own personal success coach.
“You want  to know what it is we do? We overcome. We’re too busy to train, too, but we  overcome. We’re too busy to prepare healthy meals and eat them five or six times  a day, but we overcome. We can’t always afford supplements, our genetics aren’t  perfect, and we don’t always feel like going to the gym. Some of us used to be  just like you, Bob, but guess what? We’ve overcome.
“We  like to watch ‘normal’ people like you tell us about how they can’t get in  shape. We smile and nod sympathetically like we feel your pain, but actually,  we’re thinking that you’re a pathetic piece of shit that needs to grow a spine  and join a gym. You smile sheepishly and say that you just can’t stay motivated  and just can’t stand that feeling of being sore. (For some reason you think that  admitting your weaknesses somehow justifies them.) We listen to you bitch and  moan. We watch you look for the easy way out. Because of people like you,  Bob, we never miss a workout.
“You ask us for advice about  diet and training and usually we politely offer some guidance, but deep inside  we know you won’t take our advice. You know that too. We smile and say, ‘Hope  that helps. Good luck,’ but actually we’re thinking, ‘Boy, it would suck to be  you.’ We know that 99% of people won’t listen to us. Once they hear that it  takes hard work, sacrifice and discipline, they stop listening and tune us out.
“We know they wanted us to say that building a great body is easy, but it  just isn’t. This did not take five minutes a day on a TorsoTrack. We did not get  this way in 12 short weeks using a Bowflex and the Suzanne Somers’ ‘Get Skinny’  diet. A good body does not cost five easy payments of $39.95.
“We like it  that while you’re eating a candy bar and drinking Mountain Dew, we’re sucking  down a protein shake. You see, that makes it taste even better to us. While  you’re asleep we’re either getting up early or staying up late, hitting the  iron, pushing ourselves, learning, succeeding and failing and rising above the  norm with every rep. Can you feel that, Bob? Can  you relate? No? Good. This wouldn’t be half as fun if you could.
“We do it  because we absolutely and totally get off on it. We do it because people like  you, Bob, either can’t or won’t. We do it because what we do in the  gym transfers over into the rest of our lives and changes us, physically,  mentally, maybe even spiritually. We do it because it beats watching fishing and  golf on TV. By the way, do you know what it’s like to turn the head of a  beautiful woman because of the way you’re built? It feels good,  Bob. Damned good.
“When we’re in the gym, we’re in this  indescribable euphoria zone. It’s a feeling of being on, of being completely alive and aware.  If you haven’t been there, then it’s like trying to describe color to a person  who’s been blind since birth. Within this haze of pleasure and pain, there’s  knowledge and power, self-discipline and self-reliance. If you do it long  enough, Bob, there’s even enlightenment. Sometimes, the answers to  questions you didn’t even know you had are sitting there on those rubber mats,  wrapped up in a neat package of iron plates and bars.
“Want to lose that  beer belly, Bob? I have a nutty idea. Put down the  ****ing beer. I’ll tell you what, Bob.  Christmas morning I’m getting up real early and hitting the iron. I want to  watch my daughter open her presents and spend the whole day with her, so this is  the only time I have to train. The gym will be closed, so I’m going out in my  garage to workout. You be at my house at six in the morning, okay? I’ll be glad  to help you get started on a weight training program. It’ll be colder than  Hillary Clinton’s coochie in there, so dress warm.
“But let me tell you  something, Bob. If you don’t show up, don’t bother  asking me again. And don’t you ever sit there and let me hear you bitch about  your beer belly again. This is your chance, your big opportunity to break out of  that rut. If you don’t show up, Bob, you’ve  learned a very important lesson about yourself, haven’t you? You won’t like that  lesson.
“You won’t like that feeling in the pit of your stomach either or  that taste in your mouth. It will taste worse than defeat, Bob. Defeat  tastes pretty goddamned nasty, but what you’ll be experiencing will be much  worse. It will be the knowledge that you’re weak, mentally and physically.  What’s worse is that you’ll have accepted that feeling. The feeling will always  be with you. In the happiest moments of your life, it’ll be there, lying under  the surface like a malignant tumor. Ignore it at your own peril,  Bob.
“Don’t look at me like that either. This just may be  the best Christmas present you’ll get this year. Next Christmas,  Bob, when I see you again, I’m going to be a little bigger, a  little stronger, and a little leaner. What will you be? Will you still be making  excuses? This is a gift, Bob, from me to you. I’m giving you the  chance to look fate in those pretty eyes of hers and say, ‘Step off, bitch. This  is my party and you’re not invited.’ What do you say, Bob?  Monday, Christmas morning, 6am, my house. The ball’s in your court.”
Okay, so maybe that’s not the exact words I used with  Bob, but you get the picture. Will Bob show up  Monday? I don’t know, but I kind of doubt it. In fact, Bob will  probably take me off his Christmas card list. He probably thinks I’ve got “too  much Testosterone,” like that’s a bad thing. I think Bob is just  stuck in a rut, and as the saying goes, the only difference between a rut and a  grave is depth.
The way out of the rut is to make major changes in your  life, most of which won’t be too pleasant in the beginning. The opportunity to  make those changes seldom comes as bluntly as I put it to Bob. Most  of the time, that opportunity knocks very softly. What I did was basically give  Bob a verbal slap in the face. You can react two ways to a  slap. You can get angry at the person doing the slapping, or you can realize  that he was just trying to get you to wake up and focus on what you really want  and, more importantly, what it’ll take to get it.
If you’re a regular  T-mag reader, I doubt you need to  be called out like Bob. But maybe you’ve caught yourself  slacking a little here lately. Maybe you’ve missed a few workouts or maybe you  started a little too early on the usual holiday feasting, like, say, back in  September. Just remember that the time to start working on that summer body is  now. The time to get rid of those bad habits that hold you back in the gym is  now. You want to look totally different by next Christmas? Start now. This isn’t  because of the holidays or any corny New Year’s resolutions either. The best  time is always now.
Christmas  day I want you to enjoy being with your family and friends. I want you to open  presents, sip a little eggnog and have a good meal. But if your regularily  scheduled workout happens to fall on December 25th, what will you be doing at  six o’clock that morning?
That’s what separates us from guys like  Bob.

Monday: Chest and 20 minutes of cardio.

Tuesday: Quads and calves No cardio

Wednesday: Back and 20 minutes of cardio

Thursday: Hamstrings and shoulders, No cardio

Friday: Arms ( tries and bies) and 20 minutes of cardio.

Saturday and Sunday: Rest

I do about 4 exercises per body part for 4 set of 8-10 reps.

Upper body exercises I only rest about 45 seconds between sets and 90 seconds for quads and hamstrings.

Stay focused

John La Bello