SOCIAL STUDY
Social Interaction:
Tell us about yourself and your family. Where were you in the birth order? Where did you live in your early childhood (home, neighborhood…)? Answers:
I grew up in a commune. My father was its patriarch and leader; my mother his companion and best friend. During my childhood years, my “family” consisted of about 150 people, of which probably 50 were children. It is kind of an amorphous number as there was a lot of coming and going as people during the sixties experimented with different kinds of life styles.
In the birth order, I guess you could say I was somewhere in the middle. My father had twelve children of his own, with several different mothers. My mother had three children with three different fathers. The many other children in the family were also brothers and sisters to me. In some ways, there was not a lot of focus on blood relations. We were meant to see the adults as our parents and the other children as our brethren. This was of course as difficult as it was idyllic. Things were meant to be equal between us all, but in reality this is very difficult to achieve.
I was kind of the “princess.” Since my father was the leader and my mother the matriarch and I the only child of both, I had sort of an unspoken status. I had things the others didn’t have; I had privileges they did not. I very much identify with Sarah from “The Little Princess,” whose creativity and generosity lead the other children to gather round her and share her things. It was a lonely place to be at times. I had a great deal of internal responsibility, to my parents, to the other children.
As for my neighborhood, it was really my family’s many properties. We had homes in Los Angeles, Kansas, Boston, and Martha’s Vineyard. I grew up in all these places and none. I lived within the gated walls of our compound. These were beautiful safe places with much room for exploration, but as I grew older, they became smaller and smaller. I was home-schooled until the age of seventeen.
What are your earliest memories concerning social interaction with parents, other adults, and other children (including siblings). For instance, recall how you were treated or spoken to (particularly parents/adults) and how you communicated with others. Some key words might be: confident, fearful, verbal, non-verbal, angry, passive, aggressive, compliant, competitive, shy, outspoken, soft-spoken, loud, respectful, respected, patient, anxious… Answers:
There were always two houses, the “big house” where the adults lived and the “kids’ house” where the children and a few adults lived. The adults in our environment were pretty hard on us. I was not a rebellious child and hence was hardly ever punished. But in general, depending on the child care provider, there was a lot of yelling and excessive discipline. At times, we lived in a dream, where I wandered through the woods with my older siblings, creating imaginary worlds or playing day long capture the flag games. At other times, we lived in an environment of fear, where a solemn feeling dominated the adult world and we had to be quiet and follow the rules. In general children were certainly not treated with respect, especially as Montessori would have defined it. It was a serious adult world and we were meant to respect it, understand it, and imitate it. In fact, all of us wanted to grow up as fast as we could so we could join our parents in their exciting and important world. And we did.
Our environment was certainly not “nonverbal.” In fact, there was no privacy. Everyone’s feelings and thoughts were brought to the table, literally. Deep internal introspection was always encouraged. In some ways it was incredible to live in such an “open” environment and in other ways it was terrifying. Public humiliation was inevitable.
But I did have a silent relationship with my father. He was the great man; I would watch him go by. I was always silent and yielding as he passed. I hoped that he would look at me, and yet I was terrified of those piercing blue eyes that might see all the way to my little soul. I longed to grow up and join him in his world. I longed to give him a chance to love me. When he died, it broke my heart because I knew he never would.
Despite these difficulties, I was a confident and creative child. I made a wonderful world for the other children to enjoy and the many hours we passed together are my fondest memories. In the places we grew up, we had opportunities to fish in the rivers and ocean and to truly experience outdoor life. We would travel across country two times a year and camp out for days. Although we had a lot of responsibilities or chores, we also had a lot of freedom just to wander and be together. In this way, my childhood was very Montessoriesque. We were truly given the freedom to explore our environment.
Try to recall specific positive or negative incidents or examples and elaborate. Do you remember how you felt about these incidents then? How do you feel about them now? How do you think your experiences are reflected in your attitudes and interactions with others today… both adults and children? Answers:
The happiness of my childhood was the other children. Once I was old enough to gather all the younger children and take them out on adventures and make up elaborate games for them, I felt secure in my home. My home was all of them. So many of my “siblings” didn’t live with their parents and there was a deep need in all of them to be “mothered,” to be loved. This need was deep inside me as well and it gave me a place in life to be that. Perhaps that is part of the reason I am so happy now in an environment of children. To be surrounded with children is still where I find my home today.
Loneliness is certainly the predominant feeling that shadows my childhood memories. Although there were always other children about and many adult child care providers, the absence of my mother was a gnawing cavity in my soul. My mother was very occupied with the work of my father and his quest to change the world. When I was 18 months, she had her third child, my little sister and her attention was focused on the new baby. I was moved out of my mother’s house when I was two years old. I remember standing in my crib and crying out into the darkness. This feeling of loneliness and abandonment is probably the part of my childhood that most influences my treatment of children, both as a young person and now. I have a need to always make children feel secure and loved. And in turn, they feel this in me and have a tendency to call me “mommy.” This feeling has also made me clingy to my own children. I can’t bear for them to experience loneliness, even for a moment. Although I’ve certainly grown as a mother, I couldn’t bear to let my first daughter cry. Her cry in the night would startle my soul as I rushed to pick her up.
Emotional Development
How does the adult in the Montessori environment encourage self confidence and security? Answers:
I believe that the adult in a Montessori environment or really any nurturing environment encourages self confidence and security in the child through respect. The adult respects the child as a growing and miraculous little being, our present and our future. The child is given freedom to discover his world and learn through experimentation. This does not mean the child can do whatever she wants. Rather she is guided toward activities that encourage learning. The adult demonstrates but is not overbearing. Ideally the adult lets go of his own ego in order to be a pure observer of the child’s development and needs. The adult lets the child work at his own pace and does not interrupt his concentration. The child develops self confidence through her own successes and feelings of achievement. He conquers his world one step at a time. When a child has confidence in himself and is given the freedom to learn at his own pace and follow his own interests, he feels secure. Also the adult should be warm and loving toward the child and make her feel loved.
What are your thoughts involving stages of your own emotional development beginning as early as you can recall. Consider, for example, if you cried a great deal and when this behavior may have changed. Other key words might be: angry, happy, sensitive, independent, fearful… Site some specific examples of emotional well being and emotional difficulties. Answers:
As I mentioned previously, I began to cry a lot when I was separated from my mother at the age of two. Shortly thereafter, I don’t recall exactly when, I became ashamed of crying and only did so in private, under beds or in the backs of closets. I developed a pride issue with pain that I carry to this day. I prefer to think of it as dignity. Although I am emotional and demonstrative in many ways, I would say I’m not a person who wears my heart on my sleeve. I prefer not to cry in front of people and if I’m suffering about something, I tend not to show it. I remember when my little sister moved over to the kid’s house and how she would cry for our mom. Although her tears made me have to fight my own even harder, I managed to keep them down. When our mother would come to pick one of us up to spend the night at her house, the other would stand in the door and watch the car drive away. I’ll never forget the image of my sister through the rain one stormy night, tears streaming down her face. I felt such a pang of guilt as we drove off; I knew she was afraid of thunder.
As a child, I never cried over physical pain. Even when I broke my foot, several times, I never shed a tear. I became kind of known for being strong and I liked it that way. Even now I have to suppress my disgust when people are too emotionally demonstrative in public, especially over physical pain.
One overriding feeling of my childhood was the feeling of being special. I think it was something we all felt. We knew we lived in a different world from most children and that our world had a purpose and was somehow rebellious and wild. It made us feel we were a part of something big and important. We were proud of our live style. We were proud to be different. We were in many ways very similar to those Montessori children who when visitors came, “behaved with dignity and self-respect.” (Secret p.127)
The most beautiful part of my childhood was the music. Almost everyone in my family, including both of my parents, were musicians and playing music together was an integral part of our daily lives. Every time we were in a car together or taking walks together, all of us children would sing all the old folk songs we had learned from our parents. In the evenings, the instruments would come out, and the adults and children would sing and play together. We all were encouraged to play instruments and would practice for hours. Even today, singing with people, to join my voice with others is my deepest joy.
Also, consider changes in your interests or attitudes at times in your earlier years and whether or not these changes may have been the result of changes in your emotional development. Do you feel your emotional development was nurtured in your early childhood environment? How or how not? What are some lingering obstacles that spill into certain attitudes towards children today? Answers:
I can’t think of any particular changes in my interests or attitudes during my early years. Our lives were always changing. I think the biggest change that happened in my childhood was a little later. When I was nine years old, my father passed away and this left an indelible mark on my mother and all the other adults in the family. They never recovered actually. His death marked a deep change in the emotional well being of my family; it was like darkness was cast over our world.
Was my emotional development nurtured? Yes and No. I was lonely and my mother knew it. Although she couldn’t live with me in the same house, she always made sure I was protected and had someone who took a particular interest in me. I kind of had my own nanny. Lou, the woman who mostly took care of us all during my early years, was very special to me and loved me very much. I even got to live in the same room with her at times, away from the other children. So in this way, my mother always made sure I had a special place to be; it was something I deeply needed. On the other hand, I did live in a world of too many children and not enough adult attention. I broke my foot over and over again as a quest for attention from my mother. My childhood was certainly a combination of the emotional absence of adults and the protection and love of my powerful mother.
One lingering obstacle that effects my attitude towards children today may be my repugnance for parents who don’t discipline their children. I am at times disgusted when I see children blowing tantrums or hitting other children or in general acting out and their parents don’t seem to mind. I do respect a certain strictness we had growing up. I don’t think children should grow up in a world where they feel they are the center of all things. I feel there has to be something bigger in their consciousness than themselves, whether its some kind of god or meaning or purpose. I grew up in a world where high ideals and larger than life figures were such a part of daily life and I still believe that a certain amount of that is good for children.
What emotional difficulty or difficulties have you noticed in children in early childhood that you may have observed? Cite specific examples and convey your personal feelings about your observations. Answers:
In speaking with my siblings and friends about their childhoods, some reoccurring emotional difficulties were prominent throughout the discussions. Those themes were transitions, powerlessness, separation, change, fear, ownership, freedom, power and respect. As one friend noted, “Power and respect; that’s the holy grail.”
The emotional difficulty I am most acutely aware of in children is a feeling of insecurity. It seems a young child’s environment is devastatingly important and any weaknesses in it can easily lead to instability within the child. I have seen so many examples of this that it is hard for me to name one. But in general this insecurity can even result from the lack of one or more parents, an insecure mother, an emotionally distant parent, aside from the more obvious examples of fear and violence. On the other hand, I am not a person who believes we should blame all our adult problems on our childhood. I think childhood can act as a crutch for our lack of success or current devious behavior. Although childhood greatly influences who we are, we are also responsible for part of our journey through life.
I once knew a boy named Alex. He was eighteen when I met him, recently out of a juvenile prison where he had spent the last five years. At first glance, he was your typical young criminal, dressed in baggy homeboy style with a “don’t **** with me” gait and a fight on the tips of his fingers. Although I was only in my early twenties, I quickly developed a very maternal feeling for him and “adopted” him into my life. He would ring my doorbell in the middle of the night to bring me grapes or strawberries (which he had stolen from the Korean street vendors):, and talk to me for hours about his experiences. Then he would often lay his head on my lap and cry for endless hours over his mother. I was able to help him get his life back together. We reconnected him to an aunt that agreed to take him in; we got him a job, we kept him going to his parole officer, etc. We even visited his estranged mother in the projects. He seemed pretty happy for awhile. But the criminal in him was insatiable. It was too late. I had to throw him out of my house when he started to steal from me. I still tried to take care of him, but it would have taken all of my life to save him. I couldn’t do it. He is now serving a life sentence for murder. This is the heartbreak that I carry inside of me.
Alex is my inspiration. I know he was a magic child. He did strange things like walk on telephone wires. He was El Salvadoran but he felt a mystical connection to the Chinese, and everyone called him “Chinito.” He actually studied Chinese in prison and could write it beautifully. He was a martial artist as well. His mother did not protect him from his abusive father. She put him in a home at a young age. He was raised as another faceless hopeless child, a product of the rehabilitative system. He was a serious criminal and a young child who never grew up. In his emotional development, he remained in a dark corner crying for his mother. He had a heart of gold. He was never given a chance. And I see Alex everywhere. There are so many thousands of beautiful little souls that will not be nourished. If I could take the hands of even just a few, I would do my part on earth.
