Don't know where I am going with this.. but must get some things off my chest. Right now, I must admit, I am more lost than ever. I thought I knew exactly where I was going, or at least WHERE I wanted to be headed, but now I feel like I am just stuck. A bit frustrated, a little discouraged and so damn confused on EVERYTHING.
Where is this all coming from? Well, from competing. From my perspective of competing. And more than anything, just from myself. I know I will get over it. I know this is what I really want to do, but I feel like I'm being torn down right now, which I know is coming just from myself. I remember writing a blog almost similar to this one about three months back when I started the Optimum Challenge. I just realized as I write these exact words, I am my own worst enemy. lol. Never knew I was a perfectionist until recently. Just always expect everything to turn out so perfect and when I'm NOT the best, I start freaking out.
This is something that I am going to work hard for. This time around in life, things are not just gonna get handed to me, like how they always have been. I am DEFINITELY not the best in my class. The thing that REALLY gets to me, is that I am, in fact, the weakest. The one that needs the most work. I am so used to being the center of attention, the one that stands out.. that it KILLS me that everyone is better than me. But guess what? I promise you I am going to work my damn hardest to get there someday. Not to be better than the others, but to achieve it for myself. In order to compete again the best, you must learn to compete against yourself first. And the fighter inside of me is learning to use this frustration as a fuel to become better than I've ever been. I am so determined now it's crazy.
Also wanted to vent about my confusion with body image but must get some rest now. Will blog about it next week. It's something I've been pondering about for days so really want to sit and write it down. I notice when I write, it's almost therapeutical. Anyways, tomorrow is my cheat day! I'm inviting my old trainers over for dinner. We're gonna have some good ole bbq and drinks! Can't wait! Have a great weekend everyone! Thanks for listening to me vent!!!