killah820’s BodyBlog

So this update has been long overdue!  I haven’t been coming on here because it’s my senior year of college and quite frankly I haven’t had time to breathe.  I am back for very selfish reasons however and hoping that someone can help…

I’ve been "bulking" now for a few months.  I can feel the muscle underneath my fat and I’ve built more muscle than I ever have in the past.  I’m having one slight problem…  I can’t seem to shed the fat.  I’ve been eating less, and have cleaned up my diet significantly but I need to shed at least 2 inches off my thighs and waist by May 1st.  I want to look gorgeous in my graduation dress (which I haven’t bought yet).  That’s the selfishness coming in right there.  I also want to look the way I did alst year around this time and I was doing everything the same way which is why I don’t understand why I don’t look the same yet.  I’ve cut out alcohol completely from my diet (except for an occasional glass or tasting of wine).  I’ve also cut out as much sugar short of me going crazy as I could have (I’m a huge sweet tooth).  I’ve always had problems with diet so I was wondering if anyone could give me some pointers on how I should start eating.  What I should be eating, what I should definitely stay away from, what cheat items I can have??   I just really want to start cutting and fitting into all my jeans that I used to fit into.  Ideally by end of May I’d love to have lost an extra inch off my thighs than I have in the past.  Any advice or help anyone can give would be amazing!  Thanks all….

thanks guys to all those who replied to my last blog….  let me clarify a bit so people don’t think I’m depressed or anything

I’ve gotten really frustrated with the way things have been going for me lately.  There are certain things that I really really want right now and no matter how hard I try I feel like nothing’s changing which gets frustrating after a while.

I know that I shouldn’t stop eating, and I won’t stop eating, I love food too much and I feel that’s the problem because I just want to keep eating whether I’m hungry or not and I’m not sure how to change that.  I just want to cut out all the bad stuff in my diet and not eat that much after like 8pm but for some reason i ended up giving in every single time, or if I dont give in then two days later I binge.

Next thing is that I know I’ll add the muscle back on before I end up cutting down the fat and I’m completely fine with that because I’m not checking the scale, I’m checking how the clothes fit and they dont.  That’s the frustrating part because I’m putting in the effort, I’m killing my body every time I go to the gym, pushing it as much as possible, although I am still taking days off to let me body regenerate but it just doesn’t seem to work as well as it did last time.  Its frustrating because last year I was a lot less active and managed to lose the weight and this year I’m constantly on the go and constantly busy and managing to go to the gym and still not seeing many results.  I guess all in all i’m frustrated!  Putting on jeans that about two months ago fit and now dont is just sad for me.  I’ve always had an issue with my weight since I was young and I don’t want to be a little skinny girl with a size 0 or something like that but I would like to feel good and feel like i look good.   Its intimidating with all these women on here that have these great bodies.  I’m no where near that and I dont want to be ripped to shreds but it would be nice for once to wake up with a flat stomach and have that flat stomach all day long.

I just want to be in shape again.  I look at my profile picture and look at pictures now and its a completely different person.  I reverted back to the old me even tho I’ve changed mentally.  I just want the physical me to reflect the mental me as well.  I’m getting ready to go into the professional world since I’m graduating and its hard because I know a lot of people are biased meaning if a fatter person and a skinnier person applied for the same job, most of the time the skinnier person will get the job because of their looks even tho the fatter person may be better qualified.  Hard to believe and I know some may argue with that but I know its true.  I’ve seen it happen, not necessarily to me but to friends.  I just want to have that will power and even tho each week I tell myself this week is going to be the week i change everything and I constantly get fed up each week, I cant seem to change myself.  Any suggestions?

I know, take things one day at a time but its also hard when all your friends and people around you are eating whatever they want and you have to refuse… or you have a piece of chocolate just staring you in the face or you cant stand the idea of eating cottage cheese again for the 10th time in a row.  argh… any advice??

i hate myself right now and the way i look and what I’ve become and I’m trying to change it but I can’t seem to no matter what I do.  Change is supposed to happen when you really want it right?  well I do want it, so why is it not happening?  Why am i still putting carbs and sweets into my mouth when I hate the fact that none of my pants fit anymore… Why can’t I accept the person I was becoming in april and am reverting back to the old me?  Why is this sounding like a psychology session?  I need to lose weight… I’m trying to eat clean, as clean as possible at least and Ive been doing a pretty good job of it so far for the past 10 days or so… and I know its all about time, I get that but I dont have time… I have 3.5 weeks to go back to the way I was and short of not eating anything and only working out, I dont know what else to do.  I lift three times a week, swim about 5 times a week, am eating pretty clean (sweets have almost been completely eliminated, this week they should be gone completely) and I’m still not losing the weight and my legs still look like tree trunks (and the picture that’s up on my profile is form last summer, not this past summer but from 2006 when I actually looked good, now I just look hideous) and I’m constantly self conscious and self aware and self loathing but for some reason that wont make me stop eating…. why can’t i just stop eating?  why don’t I have any will power or self control!?

very frustrated right now!

it’s been quite a while since Ive posted…  sorry!! not that anyone really reads these….  as for an update, here goes…

so far so good!  I’m actually making strides!  I’ve started swimming again as my cardio and try to get to the pool at least 3 times a week and then do another day or two of elliptical or treadmill cardio…  I’m still lifting the way it says on my profile, four times a week.  My back is starting to show improvements as are my shoulders and arms… my abs are very very VERY slowly starting to show something… not yet on the definition but I can feel some of the tightness that I’ve wanted starting to set in…. my legs however are a different story which is why I’m hoping swimming will help… they seem to have gotten bigger instead of smaller, not something i wanted but I’ve been told that it happens usually at first when you’re starting to build your legs… i just want that definition… they can be big, as long as when I’m in my bikini, they look hot!  (am I too vain?)

As for food and diet… well, i’ve been pretty good.  I tend to slack off in the mornings figuring i can give myself leeway to have a choc chip pancake or a waffle every once in a while as long as its after swimming or i know I’m going to the gym later that day.  other than that I’ve been taking in as much protein as I can and I’ve been trying to cut down on carbs a bit… except that I’m not really sure what cutting down on carbs would be and what is completely off limits on those days, any suggestions??

sooo my workouts are going great!  and i’m making progress that i can actually see which is great for me…. except that its not where i want it… the progress seems to be only in my back, arms and shoulders… but i want to see it in my legs and ass! ARGH!

i haven’t been doing so well with the diet… oops… i know i know, the only way i can see progress that way is to keep on top of my diet… but it seems if i slip even a bit then i slip farther down and it doesnt end… im trying, really hard… i guess the will power will be tested…

I’ve noticed something though… after this whole 300 movie came out everyone is either quoting the movie or saying they’re doing their spartan workout or referencing Spartans somehow… what is up with that?  is it the fact that just because this one guy did it in 8weeks makes everyone all of a sudden motivated to look like him?  I don’t understand what this obsession is with the 300 and Spartans… especially with the boys?!?! someone explain this please!

so after about a week and a half almost two weeks of not working out… i started yesterday again on sunday…. i went straight into a hardcore leg workout… boy am i beating myself today… i thought my legs would buckle under me when i was walking…   i did squats, lunges, deadlifts and calf raises, along with an ab workout that actually didnt leave me sore which i guess is good…

im so tired of not seeing results… its frustrating and i know ive said that before…  i just hope i start seeing them soon… and i know ive been giving myself way too much leeway with cheat meals/days…. i guess i just have to cut those out completely for right now and maybe then ill start seeing more results…  or at least quicker results…

for now im off to the gym for my chest and shoulders workout.. no cardio because i dont feel my legs… cardio tomorrow!

so ive decided to change my workout routine a bit… im tired of complaining about not making many gains.. altho i have slightly lost an inch or so here and there… but… notgood enough for me of course… sooo here’s the new routine if anyone wants to comment on it….

Mon - Heavy Leg Day (Lunges, Squats, Deadlifts and Seated Calf Raises — all very heavy weight)

Wed - Chest & Shoulders (emphasis on the shoulders)

Fri - Leg Day (Leg Curls and Extensions, Adductor & Abductor, Seated Calfs)

Sat - Back & Arms (emphasis on the back)

Mon -> Thurs — Cardio (30-45mins)

Sat — Sprints (20-30mins)

Mon, Wed, Fri - Ab circuit + Ab bends (M) + Side Bends w dumbbells (W) + Broom Twists (F)

Sun –> full day off + cheat day with food

hopefully this will help tone up my legs faster and help me see results so i dont think im a complete failure… ill keep posting updates on how this is going… im trying to get "fit" by end of may/june… we shall see

so its been about 4 weeks since i started getting serious about everything… my diet is still not where i want it to be but i can’t seem to stop snacking late at night (altho now the snacking is much healthier) and i can’t seem to cut out certain things… i just break down, esepcially during breakfasts and ill have cinnamon toast crunch or ham and cheese with my omelette…  its just frustrating because i keep feeling like i dont have the will power or strength to keep a clean diet even tho my diets cleaned up so much since this time last year.  maybe i’m being stupid.  I don’t know.

I’ve been trying to stay motivated but it’s getting harder and harder.  I love going ot the gym, don’t get my wrong but when you go and do all this and then you come back and end up snacking and then feeling liek it was all for nothing it doesn’t help your motivation.  I’m also a now person and these results take time.  I just don’t want to go back home and have my mother sitting there telling me i need to lose weight after everything I’m doing.  Why does will power have to be such a b*tch?  I just wish I could control myself more but it just seems like I have no control!!!

i am soooo sore its unbelievable… i haven’t been this sore in god knows how long and I have no idea why.  I stretch a lot pre and post workout… my hamstrings have been killing me for a good week….  i just started capoeira, that could be it but honestly when they first started being sore (i think it was a combination of doing leg day the same day that I started capoeira) i could barely walk…  i really hope they loosen up soon…

on the bright side…. i was really bad this weekend with my diet but come monday i cleaned up again and ive been doing well… my goal is to eat as clean as humanly possible till next friday… my bf is taking me out to dinner somewhere for valentine’s (i know its a couple of days after but I have classes and he works so its all good) so i plan on splurging on that meal espeically since ill be depriving myself for so long which is not easy considering im such a sweet tooth!  itll be a triumph over my body tho…

So I’m starting my diet, my new exercise routine and hopefully the transformation of my body.  This has been a long time coming.  I’ve been wanting to lose weight and tone up and "look hot" for ages but I never had it in me to start someplace to make it happen.  Now I’m putting the "pedal to the metal" so to speak and am going to make a change.

It’s hard.  First off, I live in a dorm, I don’t have my own kitchen therefore I can’t make my own food which sucks. So I have to resort to food from the dining hall, which I have no idea what’s in.  Secondly, because of the dining hall you constantly see desserts and you’re constantly watching your friends eat chocolate brownies or icecream sundaes or other goodies and all you can do is sit there and imagine that the grapefruit you’re snacking on is some delicious bowl of sorbet from some great restaurant.  Thirdly, you gotta hate all those girls that are thin as s**t and you watch them eat these cookies and all you want to do is beat them down with a stick because they can eat the stuff you can’t and stay extravagantly thin and gorgeous while you’re sitting there eating a grapefruit and bland, unseasoned stuff because you want to look like that and its not doing anything.  I’ve been "on a diet" for a year now.  I’ve lost close to 20 pounds which I’m proud of and I’ve put on muscle.  Granted my diet consisted of me cheating a bit here and there and having those snacks twice or three times a week but I just didn’t understand why I couldn’t get my stomach to flatten out

My goal is to flatten my stomach (to the point where it stays flat thru the majority of the day or it has a light bulge just in the front from eating a bit too much).  I want to have a tight stomach and very toned and somewhat defined legs.  I want to be able to go to the gym, in booty shorts that cling to my ass and a wear a wife beater that shows of my belly without caring that others are staring at me.  It still bothers me to walk into the gym wearing yoga pants because I feel like my legs and ass are much too big.  I want to be able to walk into the gym with confidence, start working out and take off my shirt in the middle of my workout because I’m hot or sweaty and have guys stare at me and girls get jealous of my body.  I want others to feel about me the way I do about everyone else now.  It sounds vain, it probably is, but Im tired of being the girl with the cute hot friends and never being the cute hot friend.  Guys stare at all my girl friends, but i never catch them staring at me.  It sucks to be honest.  I also want to feel comfortable putting on a bikini and going to the beach because I never have before.  And lastly, I want to get my mother off my back who, since I was 13 yrs old, has been telling me I’m on the "fat" side and need to lose weight.

This has been quite the first post.  Sorry to have written so much and probably sound like a conceited and sex appeal drive girl.  But fitness is all about that, looking good and I’m sure it’s crossed everyone’s minds.  So….. my journey begins.

p.s.–i didnt have any dessert today!