killah820’s BodyBlog

So this update has been long overdue!  I haven’t been coming on here because it’s my senior year of college and quite frankly I haven’t had time to breathe.  I am back for very selfish reasons however and hoping that someone can help…

I’ve been "bulking" now for a few months.  I can feel the muscle underneath my fat and I’ve built more muscle than I ever have in the past.  I’m having one slight problem…  I can’t seem to shed the fat.  I’ve been eating less, and have cleaned up my diet significantly but I need to shed at least 2 inches off my thighs and waist by May 1st.  I want to look gorgeous in my graduation dress (which I haven’t bought yet).  That’s the selfishness coming in right there.  I also want to look the way I did alst year around this time and I was doing everything the same way which is why I don’t understand why I don’t look the same yet.  I’ve cut out alcohol completely from my diet (except for an occasional glass or tasting of wine).  I’ve also cut out as much sugar short of me going crazy as I could have (I’m a huge sweet tooth).  I’ve always had problems with diet so I was wondering if anyone could give me some pointers on how I should start eating.  What I should be eating, what I should definitely stay away from, what cheat items I can have??   I just really want to start cutting and fitting into all my jeans that I used to fit into.  Ideally by end of May I’d love to have lost an extra inch off my thighs than I have in the past.  Any advice or help anyone can give would be amazing!  Thanks all….

I’m doing something wrong… If i knew what it was then I’d fix it and be happy.  and maybe I’m shallow for thinking that I’ll be happy based on what I look like but its been a constant struggle my entire life and I just want to finally have the things I’m working so hard for.  Maybe I’m not working hard enough for them.  Something’s wrong, something is off, something is just not right.  I walk everywhere, I am at the gym either lifting, swimming or doing both at least 5 times a week, I eat sweets every once in a while but I’ve cut out breads, pasta’s, and all things to drink except tea (which is hot water) milk (occassionally after a work out) and water… I feel like a complete failure… maybe this isnt the place to write this but to be hoenst, I dont know where else to go… I just dont feel like myself.  For a while I held onto the belief that things were going to change… well they havent been!  I’ve been working my ass off for almost 8 weeks now, that’s 2 MTHS!!  and nothing, if anything I think I’ve gained more weight.   and please dont say "well you probably gained muscle and the fat will melt off"… last time it wasnt this hard.  I swim! for 35-55 mins each time! Swimming helped me lose fat last year… whats wrong now then?  Why is nothing nothing nothing working?  Why can’t i stop craving food?  Why can’t I stop thinking about food?  Why am I wanting to eat all the time?  Why is this just a constant struggle with myself?

I’m just so tired of it… I’m tired of struggling with myself… its getting to be just way too hard and i’m just not happy and I haven’t been….

thanks guys to all those who replied to my last blog….  let me clarify a bit so people don’t think I’m depressed or anything

I’ve gotten really frustrated with the way things have been going for me lately.  There are certain things that I really really want right now and no matter how hard I try I feel like nothing’s changing which gets frustrating after a while.

I know that I shouldn’t stop eating, and I won’t stop eating, I love food too much and I feel that’s the problem because I just want to keep eating whether I’m hungry or not and I’m not sure how to change that.  I just want to cut out all the bad stuff in my diet and not eat that much after like 8pm but for some reason i ended up giving in every single time, or if I dont give in then two days later I binge.

Next thing is that I know I’ll add the muscle back on before I end up cutting down the fat and I’m completely fine with that because I’m not checking the scale, I’m checking how the clothes fit and they dont.  That’s the frustrating part because I’m putting in the effort, I’m killing my body every time I go to the gym, pushing it as much as possible, although I am still taking days off to let me body regenerate but it just doesn’t seem to work as well as it did last time.  Its frustrating because last year I was a lot less active and managed to lose the weight and this year I’m constantly on the go and constantly busy and managing to go to the gym and still not seeing many results.  I guess all in all i’m frustrated!  Putting on jeans that about two months ago fit and now dont is just sad for me.  I’ve always had an issue with my weight since I was young and I don’t want to be a little skinny girl with a size 0 or something like that but I would like to feel good and feel like i look good.   Its intimidating with all these women on here that have these great bodies.  I’m no where near that and I dont want to be ripped to shreds but it would be nice for once to wake up with a flat stomach and have that flat stomach all day long.

I just want to be in shape again.  I look at my profile picture and look at pictures now and its a completely different person.  I reverted back to the old me even tho I’ve changed mentally.  I just want the physical me to reflect the mental me as well.  I’m getting ready to go into the professional world since I’m graduating and its hard because I know a lot of people are biased meaning if a fatter person and a skinnier person applied for the same job, most of the time the skinnier person will get the job because of their looks even tho the fatter person may be better qualified.  Hard to believe and I know some may argue with that but I know its true.  I’ve seen it happen, not necessarily to me but to friends.  I just want to have that will power and even tho each week I tell myself this week is going to be the week i change everything and I constantly get fed up each week, I cant seem to change myself.  Any suggestions?

I know, take things one day at a time but its also hard when all your friends and people around you are eating whatever they want and you have to refuse… or you have a piece of chocolate just staring you in the face or you cant stand the idea of eating cottage cheese again for the 10th time in a row.  argh… any advice??

i hate myself right now and the way i look and what I’ve become and I’m trying to change it but I can’t seem to no matter what I do.  Change is supposed to happen when you really want it right?  well I do want it, so why is it not happening?  Why am i still putting carbs and sweets into my mouth when I hate the fact that none of my pants fit anymore… Why can’t I accept the person I was becoming in april and am reverting back to the old me?  Why is this sounding like a psychology session?  I need to lose weight… I’m trying to eat clean, as clean as possible at least and Ive been doing a pretty good job of it so far for the past 10 days or so… and I know its all about time, I get that but I dont have time… I have 3.5 weeks to go back to the way I was and short of not eating anything and only working out, I dont know what else to do.  I lift three times a week, swim about 5 times a week, am eating pretty clean (sweets have almost been completely eliminated, this week they should be gone completely) and I’m still not losing the weight and my legs still look like tree trunks (and the picture that’s up on my profile is form last summer, not this past summer but from 2006 when I actually looked good, now I just look hideous) and I’m constantly self conscious and self aware and self loathing but for some reason that wont make me stop eating…. why can’t i just stop eating?  why don’t I have any will power or self control!?

very frustrated right now!

so this post isnt about training or nutrition or anything else… its going to be me asking a simple question to all the guys out there….

boys, what the hell possesses you to either cheat or lie about being with another girl to your gf or choose another girl over your gf?  espeically when your gf if a great girl that does and would do just about anything for you and doesnt withhold sex or anything like that…  please explain this to me if you can…  why would you boys ruin a great thing?  and then after you’ve ruined it why don’t you do something about it???

if you havent figured it out, i’m against men as relationship figures at the moment… and I think Samantha from Sex & the City got it right to not get attached…  maybe its just better that way….

im having the worst fat day…  i feel like my legs look like those of a whale (even tho whales dont have legs, but each individual leg looks like a whale). it’s horrible and I hate feeling this way! Why can’t I be one of those type of people that can wait for results to happen and that can be patient?   Instead I’m the type that needs them now (as I’ve said in earlier posts).  Today is just bad… I’m literally afraid to put anything in my mouth.  It just sucks because I feel that with the way I’ve changed my diet over the past two months, I should be seeing some kind of results but low and behold, none!  Instead I’ve gone from being around 144 to 148…. now that may not be much to anyone but the fact of the matter is that its a lot to me when I’ve been struggling with weight my entire life.  I never seem to be able to lose it.  No matter how hard I work.  i’m dedicated to the gym, I’m dedicated to my diet more than ever and Ive even stopped eating chocolate and ice cream, my two favorite things! Yet I still see no results!!  WHY?!?!  ARGH, I hate fat days……